Friday, September 28, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!

Still ruling the 90210 zip code after all these years.
Happy Friday! The weekend is finally upon us, and what better way to celebrate its arrival than with the Bitch of the Week. You may be questioning what exactly is the difference between Bitch of the Week and Cunt of the Week. The answer is simple: while a Cunt of the Week is someone who just sucks ass, a Bitch of the Week rocks the shit out of life. It's a highly prestigious title, and it gives me great honor to present it to the great Jennie Garth.

Photographic proof that Jennie has been
making the ultimate bitch face since 1992.
Jennie rose to fame in the 90s while starring in Beverly Hills, 90210 as Kelly Taylor, a self-absorbed bitch with a slutty reputation to boot. Anyone who knows me will tell you that any character fitting such a description is usually my fave, so I was instantly drawn to Kelly, and to Jennie by default. Though Kelly was originally a supporting role on the show, playing second fiddle to a couple of flannel-clad twins from the Mid West, it didn't take Jennie long to outshine the resident hag, who is occasionally referred to as Shannen Doherty, and become the show's female lead. There was so much alleged tension between Jennie and Shannen as the former's character began eclipsing the latter's that it was reportedly one important factor in Shannen losing her job. Other reasons include her excessive partying and legendary cuntitude. Jennie & Co. would have none of that! Here's Jennie being passive aggressive as fuck about Shannen's departure to Entertainment Weekly:
We were friends at work, and I miss her most of the time. We were all uncertain about how it would be (without her). But now that we're back, it's like she was never here.
Beautifully said, J! But like a true bitch, Jennie didn't go without feuding for long. When Tiffani Amber Thiessen dragged her sorry ass from Saved by the Bell to BH90210 for the fifth season, Jennie let that Brenda Walsh wannabe know her place immediately. While the women eventually became friends, Jennie soon shut her out again. Loving the whole "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer and then banish them" attitude! The cat fight is still making headlines as of this past May, which is just too delicious!

Soon enough, Jennie was queen of the set, basically carrying the whole fucking show by herself and continued to do so for ten seasons. (Let's face it, it's not like Ian Ziering and Tori Spelling could really do shit.) So important was Jennie's portrayal of Kelly that she even launched an entire fucking spin-off, the famed Melrose Place, and would later reprise her role in the 2008 90210 reboot. Can you imagine having the foundation of an entire franchise on your shoulders? Of course not. You ain't Jennie Garth!

Since the BH90210's finale in 2000, Jennie's career has flagged quite a bit, but that hasn't stopped her from being the ultimate bitch. She starred in the underrated sitcom What I Like About You from 2002 to 2006, during which time Jennie reportedly got into yet another feud with her co-star, a pre-meltdown Amanda Bynes. Then she danced the shit out of Dancing With the Stars in 2007 and reached the semi-finals. (Side note: Shannen Doherty also did the show and was eliminated in the first week. Lol!) That same year, she taught me and my entire health class all we needed to know about AIDS in the Lifetime movie Girl Positive. Oh, and she was also married to that Twilight guy for a bit. They had a couple of kids and then he cheated on her. Guess some men can't handle a true bitch!

It's clear that Jennie Garth is, has always been, and will continue to be a bitch. Whether it's picking fights with co-stars or just being an all-around BAMF, Jennie knows who she is and she is not apologizing for it. You go, girl!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Rihanna, the Ultra-Cunt

Ugh. This bitch.
It has always been a goal of mine to make "cunt" a more socially acceptable word. My reasoning is that sometimes people can be such cunts, that there's really no other word to describe them. To aid me in this journey toward a society with more relaxed linguistics, I'll be condemning a new cunt each week. Without further ado, let's go to our first Cunt of the Week.

Who is more of a cunt that Rihanna? In case you live under a rock, Rihanna is a singer that Barbados got sick of and sent over to America as a practical joke. Since then, she's been known for pulling shitty album after shitty album out of her ass left and right and for being just an all-around cunt.

Why, you may ask, is Rihanna such a cunt? I'll tell you. Let's start with her so-called talent. A brilliant professor I once had described Rihanna's vocals so eloquently that I was completely blown away by her brevity, beauty, and accuracy. "Rihanna," my professor said. "The young woman who sounds like a dying mongoose." Preach! If Rihanna has any vocal ability, she's sure good at hiding it. Just take some nasally gawks, slap them against a flavor-of-the-month beat, and BAM! You got yourself a Rihanna song.

There's also the fact that she writes close to nothing. But come on guys, are you really surprised? She's far too busy smoking weed and ruining Jay-Z songs to actually write her own music. Lyrics such as "Where have you been/All my life, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life" are so intricate and thought-provoking that they must have taken months to write, and that's time that Rihanna just does not have.

My next point begs the question: When's the last time you turned on the radio and didn't hear a Rihanna song? I know that I personally couldn't get through a single day last year without being audibly assaulted by "We Found Love". (Where exactly did she find love again? It's still not clear.) That's simply because Rihanna does not understand the importance of taking the time to hone her craft. Once her current single starts dipping in radio airplay, she releases her next single. Once her album is bled dry of singles, she records her next album. Her seventh album is currently slated for a November 2012 release; it will be her fourth album in three years.

I didn't always hate Rihanna. In fact, it wasn't until after the whole Chris Brown incident that I realized how fucking annoying she is. Now I'm not defending Chris, nor am I advocating violence of any kind, but I gotta admit, thinking about Rihanna has made my fist curl once or twice. Anyway, after the showdown, Chris went on to release some great jams while his life and anger management skills continued to circle the drain. Totally acceptable.

Meanwhile, Rihanna just turned into a massive cunt. Her music became "edgy" and "dark" and she changed her hair color more times than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. Then for whatever reason, she reconciled with Chris and started recording duets with him like there was no tomorrow. And then, this summer, she had the audacity to proclaim her love for Chris in an interview with Oprah. If you haven't seen it, don't bother. It went something like this:
Opraaah, I just lav heem, Opraaah. He's da lav of my life, Opraaah.
Aside from her music and poor life decisions, Rihanna is a cunt for many other reasons. She's rather thuggish in nature, constantly picking Twitter fights and whatnot, and she seems totally oblivious to how much she sucks. Not only is she delusional enough to consider herself the Black Madonna, but she actually thinks her music is meaningful!

Nobody wearing that hooded sweater shitshow can be taken seriously.
Rihanna's songs leave me in tears, too. Sometimes the pain from blood pouring out my ears is just too much.

Full disclosure: While my hatred for Rihanna is as true as the day is long, I do own 23 of her songs (not counting her various duets with Jay-Z, Drake, Maroon 5, Coldplay, etc.). That's more than I would like to admit, but at the same time, it has become nearly impossible to function in today's world without a working knowledge of Rihanna's music.

However, I hope you are now enlightened enough to see what a shitty person and "artist" Rihanna is, if you hadn't yet reached that conclusion on your own. The next time she poisons the airwaves with her cat screetching, I know we'll all collectively be thinking, "Oh, Rihanna! What a cunt."

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Kelly Clarkson: Queen of Flops and Also Covers

Even she knows she's a flop!

Kelly Clarkson, to put it quite simply, puzzles me. Sometimes she's a star, sometimes she's a flop. Sometimes she's thin, sometimes she's, well, not. Sometimes I care, but most of the time I don't. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what her game plan in life is, but if she thinks she can just coast on the "prestige" of being the first American Idol, she better think again, because she may be the first American Idol, but Carrie Underwood will always be the best. As for the other winners, do you know their names? Do you even know how many there are? I digress slash rest my case.

Anyway, just when I think we're finally done with Kelly and that she's given up on her career, she comes flying out of the woodwork like a bat out of hell with catchy tunes such as "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" and then she thinks she's hot shit again, taking the whole country by storm and performing in semi-full, mostly outdoor venues. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. How she swallows her pride, musters up the courage to perform under such circumstances, and resists the humiliation of it all is beyond me! Of course, this all happens when she's not busy judging the smash hit singing competition Duets on ABC. (Haven't heard of it? Yeah, I haven't really either.)

I'm convinced that her career resurrection is only temporary, but not even I can deny that which launched Kelly into stardom in the first place: her voice. While her voice is usually wasted on her own songs, like the clumsy country wannabe shitfest "Mr. Know It All" as well as early hits like "Miss Independent" and "Walk Away" that have been exhausted to fucking death, Kelly also loans her golden pipes to other songs. You know, good songs. At every show of her Weaker Stronger Tour, bitch belts out a fan-requested cover like nobody's business. Below are some of my faves. If you've given up on Kelly like I had, perhaps these will help you flip a U-ie and holla back into her fandom.

"Everytime" by Britney Spears

"Someone Like You" by Adele

"Fix You" by Coldplay

Monday, September 24, 2012

Jam of the Week: "Jam (Turn It Up)" by Kim Kardashian

I'm a firm believer in kick-starting my week with a jam, one that will serve as an anthem as I go through hell before reaching the nirvana that is Friday. So every Monday, I will be posting the jam of the week. Everybody who's anybody will be listening to it.

What better song to serve as the first Jam of the Week than Kim Kardashian's "Jam (Turn It Up)", for the title alone if nothing else. Kim Kardashian joins the long line of reality-stars-turned-singers, a prestigious and elite group that celebrates the likes of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, and more!

The beauty of this song lies in its incongruity. It truly sounds like three songs rolled into one jam that flirts on the verge of being a tad too long. But leave it to a vocal pro like Kim K to unify those three songs with her bored, processed, and monotonous voice and turn it into a single, cohesive dance floor smash.

With lyrics such as "Turn me up, turn me up/Turn me, turn me, turn me up/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah," "On the fly, on the floor I can't stand still/And I'm going to work like I'm paying my bills, bills," and "Girls in the building, fellas in the club/The boys spending money, the girls looking good," how can you not just be all about this song?

I sincerely hope this song is stuck in your head all week, because that will give you the energy and positive attitude you'll need to make it to the weekend. And the next time you think, Boy, Kim Kardashian really doesn't do much, think back to this jam and how it revolutionized the music industry and your own life, if only for a week.

Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: Why It Probably Won't Work Out

Behold, the world's most beautiful specimens.
Like so few others, I cried when I heard the news that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively got married earlier this month. And while I couldn't be certain as to whether I was shedding those tears out of joy or depression, I knew one thing for sure: this marriage probably won't work out. And here's a few reasons why:

1. Green Lantern is the foundation of their relationship
Ryan and Blake first met while filming Green Lantern, which is undoubtedly the shittiest super hero film in recent history. This film had so many problems, starting with the fact that Blake was a brunette in it. #BlondesHaveMoreFun Additionally, the film attempted to be both a comic book spectacular and an action comedy. It was neither; I did not "ooh" nor "aah" nor lol. I was totally bored. I think the most fun I had during that viewing experience was when the film ended with a cliffhanger that set up for a potential sequel, because I laughed to myself and said, "Ain't nobody coming back for seconds." It turns out I wasn't alone; Green Lantern was a critical and commercial flop. If this film is the foundation of Ryan and Blake's marriage, we can count on a divorce by 2014.

2. Once a cheater...
While I wouldn't go as far as to accuse Ryan of adultery, it is a little suspicious that he divorced his first wife, Scarlet Johansson, soon after filming Green Lantern, only to begin dating Blake a few short months later. I wonder if the pattern will repeat itself when Ryan stars alongside another TV starlet like, say, Miley Cyrus or something.

3. Blake is an idiot
Ryan was engaged to Alanis Morissette and married to Scarlett Johansson, both of whom are very well-spoken and seemingly educated. I would probably put Blake at the opposite end of the spectrum. I've collected some quotes from Blake to illustrate my point:
  • "I feel like a tranny a lot of the time." - Blake to Allure magazine
  • "I eat cupcakes and I don't work out ... I don't even drink water. It's terrible." - Blake to Us Weekly magazine
  • "I've kissed just three people in my life, other than stuff I've done for TV or movies. I know, I'm weird. I hope Brad Pitt doesn't hear this. He's never going to want to marry me." - Blake to OK! magazine
I'm hoping she's kidding, but I'm sure she's not. Ryan likes his women smart and it's only a matter of time before he gets fed up with her stupidity. Could she be any more of a Serena?

4. Beauty fades
Ryan and Blake are just both too damn beautiful and are probably the most attractive people of their respective genders. In that regard, they deserve one another because beautiful people are beautiful and should have beautiful lives that are beautiful. However, like with most things in life, beauty fades. We already know Blake is no stranger to plastic surgery (see below), but there's only so much you can do to combat the work of time. And Ryan's got nine years on Blake, so it's only a matter of time before he stops oozing sex appeal.

Blake's nose job: from beak to chic.
5. It just can't work!
I simply will not stand for it! I cannot fathom a world in which these two live happily ever after. If I could rewrite this whole sitch, you bet your bottom dollar I would make Ryan single. Let's face it: he's quite the catch, but his appeal instantly went up when he cut loose the ol' ball and chain that is ScarJo. As for Blake, I'd get her back with Penn Badgley. #DanAndSerena4Ever

Glee's Britney Spears Tribute: Britney 2.0? More Like Britney 2.No Thank You!

It's Britney, bitch.
Britney Spears evokes many different connotations, from queen of pop to mentally unstable hasbeen and everything in between. But to me, the legendary Miss Britney Spears means only one thing: God. That is why I was so incredibly appalled by Glee's latest tribute episode to the pop star.

The episode, entitled "Britney 2.0", focuses on Brittany (Heather Morris) losing her way and subsequently attempting to make a comeback, much like her idol Britney Spears. The episode's plotline paralleled Britney's highly publicized breakdown and included jabs at the infamous head-shaving incident and disastrous 2007 MTV Video Music Awards performance, among other gems from Britney's colorful past in the limelight. They made a complete mockery of her, taking cheap and easy shots at the lowest point in her life all the while failing to express the fragility, confusion, and vulnerability the singer was experiencing at the time.

As if that wasn't enough, the episode featured eight of Britney's hits, and only three of them were done well. Morris completely butchered "Gimme More" and "Hold It Against Me" by trying to replicate Britney's sound rather than make the songs her own. The result is one not unlike karaoke day at your local middle school. The acoustic rendition of "3" had potential until Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) opened her mouth and decided not to hit a single note. She also tainted "Womanizer" with her vocals for absolutely no apparent reason other than to piss off anyone with ears. Show of hands: who actually wanted to hear Tina sing? Yeah, I didn't think so. She can stay silent in the background where she belongs.

Perhaps the most heinous performance was "Everytime", my personal Britney favorite. The song was performed by newbie Marly Rose (Melissa Benoist), who sings the lamenting ballad after ending a relationship with another new character that literally lasted half an episode. Why, please, was my favorite song wasted on a plotline about two characters I don't give a flying fuck about? What's worse is Benoist has absolutely no talent or conviction and is totally boring to watch and listen to. As far as I'm concerned, that Lea Michele wannabe bitch can sway in the background with Tina.

Luckily, the episode was somewhat redeemed with its covers of "Boys" and "(You Drive Me) Crazy", which were mashed up to unexpectedly great results with Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend" and Aerosmith's "Crazy", respectively. But the best performance, hands down, was the slinky rendition of "Oops! I Did It Again", performed by the always enjoyable Lea Michele, whom I commend for reminding everyone that you don't have to be pretty to be sexy! As a matter of fact, I've been listening to that shit on repeat while writing this. Watch the performance below and judge for yourself. If you didn't enjoy it, you didn't watch it right.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but Glee's egregious tribute to Britney wouldn't have been so problematic had it been the first tribute episode to Britney the show completely fucked up. Back in 2010, there was an episode entitled "Britney/Brittany", which was all about the Brittany character seeking inspiration from Britney. This episode benefited from Britney's involvement, who made various cameos hollering all over the screen and whatnot, and basically kissed her ass, which I appreciated. However, when they only performed five songs from Britney's extensive catalog (including "Me Against the Music" ... WTF?!) and decided to end the episode with Paramore's "Only Exception", I flipped a bitch. Who the FUCK wants to hear a Paramore song in a Britney-themed episode? Who the fuck wants to hear a Paramore song, period? "Not I," said basically everyone who saw the episode.

At the end of the day, Glee has really fallen by the wayside and is only a pale version of witty, charming beast it once was. Now, the franchise is overexposed and its audience is shrinking. The show can't afford to rip on people like Britney, especially not twice. Obviously, this is a sensitive topic for me, but I think my thoughts can be summed up best by Britney Spears herself.

Bravo! Couldn't have said it better myself.