Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Rihanna, the Ultra-Cunt

Ugh. This bitch.
It has always been a goal of mine to make "cunt" a more socially acceptable word. My reasoning is that sometimes people can be such cunts, that there's really no other word to describe them. To aid me in this journey toward a society with more relaxed linguistics, I'll be condemning a new cunt each week. Without further ado, let's go to our first Cunt of the Week.

Who is more of a cunt that Rihanna? In case you live under a rock, Rihanna is a singer that Barbados got sick of and sent over to America as a practical joke. Since then, she's been known for pulling shitty album after shitty album out of her ass left and right and for being just an all-around cunt.

Why, you may ask, is Rihanna such a cunt? I'll tell you. Let's start with her so-called talent. A brilliant professor I once had described Rihanna's vocals so eloquently that I was completely blown away by her brevity, beauty, and accuracy. "Rihanna," my professor said. "The young woman who sounds like a dying mongoose." Preach! If Rihanna has any vocal ability, she's sure good at hiding it. Just take some nasally gawks, slap them against a flavor-of-the-month beat, and BAM! You got yourself a Rihanna song.

There's also the fact that she writes close to nothing. But come on guys, are you really surprised? She's far too busy smoking weed and ruining Jay-Z songs to actually write her own music. Lyrics such as "Where have you been/All my life, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life" are so intricate and thought-provoking that they must have taken months to write, and that's time that Rihanna just does not have.

My next point begs the question: When's the last time you turned on the radio and didn't hear a Rihanna song? I know that I personally couldn't get through a single day last year without being audibly assaulted by "We Found Love". (Where exactly did she find love again? It's still not clear.) That's simply because Rihanna does not understand the importance of taking the time to hone her craft. Once her current single starts dipping in radio airplay, she releases her next single. Once her album is bled dry of singles, she records her next album. Her seventh album is currently slated for a November 2012 release; it will be her fourth album in three years.

I didn't always hate Rihanna. In fact, it wasn't until after the whole Chris Brown incident that I realized how fucking annoying she is. Now I'm not defending Chris, nor am I advocating violence of any kind, but I gotta admit, thinking about Rihanna has made my fist curl once or twice. Anyway, after the showdown, Chris went on to release some great jams while his life and anger management skills continued to circle the drain. Totally acceptable.

Meanwhile, Rihanna just turned into a massive cunt. Her music became "edgy" and "dark" and she changed her hair color more times than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. Then for whatever reason, she reconciled with Chris and started recording duets with him like there was no tomorrow. And then, this summer, she had the audacity to proclaim her love for Chris in an interview with Oprah. If you haven't seen it, don't bother. It went something like this:
Opraaah, I just lav heem, Opraaah. He's da lav of my life, Opraaah.
Aside from her music and poor life decisions, Rihanna is a cunt for many other reasons. She's rather thuggish in nature, constantly picking Twitter fights and whatnot, and she seems totally oblivious to how much she sucks. Not only is she delusional enough to consider herself the Black Madonna, but she actually thinks her music is meaningful!

Nobody wearing that hooded sweater shitshow can be taken seriously.
Rihanna's songs leave me in tears, too. Sometimes the pain from blood pouring out my ears is just too much.

Full disclosure: While my hatred for Rihanna is as true as the day is long, I do own 23 of her songs (not counting her various duets with Jay-Z, Drake, Maroon 5, Coldplay, etc.). That's more than I would like to admit, but at the same time, it has become nearly impossible to function in today's world without a working knowledge of Rihanna's music.

However, I hope you are now enlightened enough to see what a shitty person and "artist" Rihanna is, if you hadn't yet reached that conclusion on your own. The next time she poisons the airwaves with her cat screetching, I know we'll all collectively be thinking, "Oh, Rihanna! What a cunt."

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sistaaaaa, preach.

Anonymous said...

Dirty slut

Joshua Carrasquillo said...

I honestly and wholeheartedly wish she were dead. I loathe her rotten guts.

Joshua Carrasquillo said...

I honestly and wholeheartedly wish she were dead. I loathe her rotten guts.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about her makes your fist curl? You're not having a crafty hate wank are you?

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