Monday, September 24, 2012

Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: Why It Probably Won't Work Out

Behold, the world's most beautiful specimens.
Like so few others, I cried when I heard the news that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively got married earlier this month. And while I couldn't be certain as to whether I was shedding those tears out of joy or depression, I knew one thing for sure: this marriage probably won't work out. And here's a few reasons why:

1. Green Lantern is the foundation of their relationship
Ryan and Blake first met while filming Green Lantern, which is undoubtedly the shittiest super hero film in recent history. This film had so many problems, starting with the fact that Blake was a brunette in it. #BlondesHaveMoreFun Additionally, the film attempted to be both a comic book spectacular and an action comedy. It was neither; I did not "ooh" nor "aah" nor lol. I was totally bored. I think the most fun I had during that viewing experience was when the film ended with a cliffhanger that set up for a potential sequel, because I laughed to myself and said, "Ain't nobody coming back for seconds." It turns out I wasn't alone; Green Lantern was a critical and commercial flop. If this film is the foundation of Ryan and Blake's marriage, we can count on a divorce by 2014.

2. Once a cheater...
While I wouldn't go as far as to accuse Ryan of adultery, it is a little suspicious that he divorced his first wife, Scarlet Johansson, soon after filming Green Lantern, only to begin dating Blake a few short months later. I wonder if the pattern will repeat itself when Ryan stars alongside another TV starlet like, say, Miley Cyrus or something.

3. Blake is an idiot
Ryan was engaged to Alanis Morissette and married to Scarlett Johansson, both of whom are very well-spoken and seemingly educated. I would probably put Blake at the opposite end of the spectrum. I've collected some quotes from Blake to illustrate my point:
  • "I feel like a tranny a lot of the time." - Blake to Allure magazine
  • "I eat cupcakes and I don't work out ... I don't even drink water. It's terrible." - Blake to Us Weekly magazine
  • "I've kissed just three people in my life, other than stuff I've done for TV or movies. I know, I'm weird. I hope Brad Pitt doesn't hear this. He's never going to want to marry me." - Blake to OK! magazine
I'm hoping she's kidding, but I'm sure she's not. Ryan likes his women smart and it's only a matter of time before he gets fed up with her stupidity. Could she be any more of a Serena?

4. Beauty fades
Ryan and Blake are just both too damn beautiful and are probably the most attractive people of their respective genders. In that regard, they deserve one another because beautiful people are beautiful and should have beautiful lives that are beautiful. However, like with most things in life, beauty fades. We already know Blake is no stranger to plastic surgery (see below), but there's only so much you can do to combat the work of time. And Ryan's got nine years on Blake, so it's only a matter of time before he stops oozing sex appeal.

Blake's nose job: from beak to chic.
5. It just can't work!
I simply will not stand for it! I cannot fathom a world in which these two live happily ever after. If I could rewrite this whole sitch, you bet your bottom dollar I would make Ryan single. Let's face it: he's quite the catch, but his appeal instantly went up when he cut loose the ol' ball and chain that is ScarJo. As for Blake, I'd get her back with Penn Badgley. #DanAndSerena4Ever

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