Friday, October 12, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Edie Britt, the Bitchiest Wisterian in History

A throne fit for a queen bitch.
For the first television season in eight years, Desperate Housewives is unfortunately not gracing small screen across the world. But there's no reason why we cannot celebrate the show in all its glory! And what better way to do so than with Bitch of the Week? I can think of no character better suited for the title than Edie Britt.

For five seasons, Edie Britt majorly bitched it up on Wisteria Lane and didn't dare apologize for doing so. Whether it was screwing someone's ex-husband or being candid as absolute fuck, Edie never held back. Let's count all the ways that made Edie fantastically bitchy.

So sudsy.
1. She was the ultimate frenemy
Everyone knows that the funnest kinds of friendships are the ones that marry love, support, and trust with jealousy, rivalry, and animosity. Edie was the ultimate frenemy, acting as both friend and foe to the series' leading ladies - Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle - who formed a little clique that pretty much nobody else was allowed to join. (No matter how hard she tried, Katherine was never anything more to these women than the psychotic hag with lesbian tendencies.)

Edie spent most of her time terrorizing Susan, the klutzy quintessential nice girl. Some days, she was content with making backhanded compliments on Susan's appearance. ("Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.") On more ambitious days, Edie would take to burning Susan's house to the ground or stealing her comatose boyfriend. Eventually, she got bored with Susan (as did many fans) and decided to blackmail Bree and cockblock Gabrielle (see #4). Good times were had by all, and no matter how aggressive or offensive Edie got, she always managed to get back into the ladies' good graces. That, my friends, is the work of a true artist.

2. She knew how to sell a house
Edie was all about closing the deal, in more ways than one. As Wisteria Lane's primo realtor, Edie managed to sell any house, no matter how many murders, suicides, or acts of enslavement took place in it. How did she do that? Semantics. Do you think Edie Bitch was about to disclose the fact that Mary Alice shot herself in the living room of the Young House? Hell no. "You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die," she advised. And when Edie wasn't giving tours to potential buyers, she was inviting over potential fucks for a kicky round in the beds of perfect strangers. This is her town bitches. Show some respect!

3. She was candid as fuck
Ain't nobody got time for people who hold back their true feelings and opinions out of respect for others. Edie was all about telling it as it is. Examples:
  • On Susan Mayer: "She's a little hard to stomach, but she means well."
  • On Orson Hodge: "I am not interest in Orson. That would be like having sex with PBS!"
  • On sex with Carlos: "I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
  • On Susan Mayer (again): "I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer!"
  • On Gabrielle's weight gain: "What the hell happened to you? Look at you. Your clothes, your hair... Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't."
  • On Susan's homelessness: "I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one."
  • On the Susan/Mike break-up: "Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Delfino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Oh, come on, trot her on out. She's fun to watch."
And those are some of the nicer things she's said!

4. She liked fucking shit up for Gabrielle and Carlos

Only a true bitch would wear this to
a funeral.
Edie spent a lot of time on the show's back burner; however, she really shined in seasons three and four when she started dating Carlos, Gabrielle's ex-husband. At first, their relationship was just about sex. Eventually, Edie fell head over heels for Carlos, and when she realized he didn't feel the same way, she decided to use her son as a means for winning Carlos over. #MomOfTheYear And when that stopped working, Edie pretended like she wanted to have a baby with Carlos. She swore off birth control, or so she told him. When he discovered she was secretly still popping those pills with more frequency than Lindsay Lohan, he broke up with her. Do you think Edie quit right then and there? Absolutely not. She decided it was high time to stage a suicide attempt, forcing him to stay with her out of sheer guilt. Only a true bitch would undergo therapy for false suicidal tendencies in order to keep a man in her bed.

Carlos and Gabrielle began having an affair soon after. Well versed in all acts of bitchery, Edie suspected as much and hired a private investigator to tail their asses. When she got photographic proof of their infidelity, she passed along the snapshots to Gabrielle's husband, Victor, and attempted murders ensued. Elsewhere, Edie probably sat at home laughing her ass off like a true bitch. But do you think things really stopped there? Fuck no. She also fucked up Carlos' secret bank accounts, ensuring that his new life with Gabrielle would begin in poverty. Then, for shits and giggles, she decided to spill the beans to Gabrielle that Carlos was blind when he was too chicken to do it himself. We should all be so bitchy.

5. She was played by real-life bitch Nicollette Sheridan
Behind every fictional bitch is usually a bitch so real it's unreal. Nicollette Sheridan gave life to Edie Britt, and with two L's in her name, you know she knew a thing or two about how to be a bitch. In the 80s, a pre-botox Nicollette was her generation's tabloid princess. Though her career and relevancy waned, her inner bitch most certainly did not. When Edie was killed off Desperate Housewives during its fifth season, NS didn't hesitate to sue the shit out of series creator Marc Cherry, accusing him of a plethora of things, including wrongful termination, assault and battery, and gender discrimination. What followed was a lengthy court battle that proved more juicy than the twisted show itself. Even though I was royally pissed that Nicollette got herself banned from ever reprising her role as Edie in flashbacks or dream sequences, I have to give her kudos for being such a bitch!


Taylor Tanton said...

Your blog makes my week!

MKlass said...

YOU'RE candid as fuck, Mr. Ryan. I like that.