Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Ginnifer Goodwin, a Royal Pain

Ginnifer was born to an elf couple in the North
Pole. Santa was tired of her shit and had her
shipped to America, where she continued to be
a giant pain in the ass for all humanity.
The turn of the century was a big effing deal for many reasons. It brought upon us many changes, both good and bad. The latter can best be summed up by the career beginnings of one Ginnifer Goodwin. For over a decade, Ginnifer has been annoying the shit out of pretty much everyone, and that makes her a golden candidate for Cunt of the Week.

Those who are not familiar with Ginnifer (and even those who are) might be thinking, What the hell kind of name is Ginnifer? It sounds like the sound a plumber would murmur as he died in a jar of mayonnaise. But apparently it's a legit name, as evidenced by the fact that as I'm writing this, spell check ain't got no problem with the word "Ginnifer." However, this does not, by any stretch of the imagination, make the name any less disgusting. What's even grosser is that our Sour Patch Kid-faced starlet was actually born Jennifer Michelle Goodwin. Yup, she had a normal name for a while. But she was unable to resist the urge to cunt it up like no other and changed her name to Ginnifer to respect the proper Southern pronunciation of her birth name. Gag me.

Ginnifer thinking she's all that. Bitch!
You ain't even the bag of chips.
For the beginning of her career, Ginnifer did well for herself, landing roles in films like Mona Lisa Smile and Walk the Line, but it wasn't until 2009's He's Just Not That Into You that she became a bona fide celebrity. Unfortunately, the film that launched Ginnifer into mega stardom is also the film that lobotomized millions of movie-goers across the world. I mean, seriously! That movie blew some serious ass. In it, Ginnifer acts as a needy, desperate, clingy, bitch who hasn't a clue about life; however, I don't really think it's fair to call it "acting" when you're just being yourself. The movie might as well have been called The Ginnifer Diaries.

Life got even more real for Ginnifer when fairy tales became the absolute shit and ABC began developing Once Upon a Time, which follows a bunch of small town flops who are/were secretly fairy tale characters in an alternate universe. The show is absolute trash, which is probably why Ginnifer was attracted to it. Upon hearing that she would be in Once Upon a Time, I assumed she would be playing Quasimodo. To my surprise, she was cast as Snow White, who's supposed to be beautiful and likable. (Talk about casting against type!) I felt like that was a low blow; Snow White already has a reputation for being annoying as all hell, and now she has a whiny cunt named Ginnifer portraying her? She just can't catch a break.

In summary, Ginnifer is an actress whose annoyance and cuntitude practically leaps off screen and molests the audience. Additionally, she voluntarily totes around the name Ginnifer. Some people might give her props, but I prefer to give her Cunt of the Week. Congrats, girl!

4 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

I'll happily take the credit for filling you in on the jennifer-ginnifer name change so that New Yorkers would pronounce her name like Southerners do.

Anonymous said...

Because the southerners don't realize there is a difference between e and i she picks a name that I see as gin as in gig not gin. That irks me enough nevermind her acting.

Kat g said...

what the heck happened to her face???

Kat g said...

what happened to her face?