Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Minnie Mouse, Walt Disney's Biggest Regret

Only a true cunt would think she could get
away with this fugly color combo.
Our latest Cunt of the Week is none other than Minnie Mouse. Before you ask, yes, animated characters can absolutely be cunts. In fact, cartoon cunts are oftentimes much more poisonous to the collective public sanity than real-life cunts. It's mostly due to the fact that fictional beings, especially those that are drawn, have to try so much harder to be offensive, that when they pull it off, you know they're bad news.

The original nip slip.
Minnie has been cunting it up since 1928, when she appeared shirtless on Steamboat Willie. For the past 80 or so year, Minerva has found many ways to express her boundless cuntitude. For starters, she's a tease. She has been leading poor Mickey on for decades now, and I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't intend on marrying him. Cunts, in their very nature, cannot make such a monogamous commitment anyway. Rather than set Mickey free so he's able to date someone who knows how to treat a mouse, Minnie keeps him under her spell. She toys with him, and just when she thinks he's coming to his senses, she does something drastic to keep him interested, like flirt with his nemesis Mortimer or change the color of her polka-dot dress. Fortunately for Minnie, Mickey is a complete dumbass, as evidenced by the fact that he found anything appealing about Minnie in the first place, so he falls for such tricks time and time again.

Secondly, Minnie is an absolute attention whore (and just a whore in general; see below). I ask you, when's the last time you went to Disneyland without that cunt being shoved down your throat? I personally hit up the Happiest Place on Earth last week, and lemme tell ya, I was not happy when I saw Minnie FOUR times in FOUR different locations, each time in a DIFFERENT outfit. We get it! You're here. And you have an extensive wardrobe. We don't give a fuck. Go home and stop perverting the nation's youth by hiking up your skirt while signing autographs, you little slut!

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! What kind of cartoon
mouse poses for this?!
Minnie's inability to refrain from being the center of attention at all times comes at a price. Daisy Duck, whom Minnie calls a friend but treats like shit, is consequently no where to be found. She's not in the parks, she's not on the merchandise; hell, she's barely in the cartoons! Daisy has been left in the dust, tragically so, but do you think her "best friend" Minnie gives a fuck? Absolutely not. A cunt like Minnie has no time for friendship, especially if it might lead to competition for the public's attention. Let's face it: all red-blooded Americans would prefer Daisy's fabulous bitchery to Minnie's Lolita bullshit. Sadly, most Americans probably don't even know who Daisy is. And for that we can blame Minnie. #TeamDaisy

Finally and most importantly, Minnie's voice alone makes her a cunt. I mean, seriously. Minnie's voice sounds like the noise a coked-up Snow White would make if she were getting fondled by Dopey. It's not pleasant to listen to, yet Minnie insists on talking non-fucking-stop. It's almost as bad as a Rihanna song in how much it makes you want to cut off your ears.

It's behavior like this that makes Minnie a complete and utter cunt. If you're still not convinced, I'll leave you with this video, which sums up in three minutes just how much of a cunt she is. Not only does Minnie open up a fucking bow shop, but she manages to make Daisy's birthday all about her, and she is also able to magically hang shit that even the tallest person in the room can't. Walt would be turning in his grave if he knew the kind of shit Minnie was pulling these days. Seriously, what a cunt.

1 comment:

Taylor Tanton said...

I nominate Daisy Duck for a Bitch of the Week entry!