Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Paige, the Other Lesbian from Pretty Little Liars

A haircut like this practically begs for Cunt of the Week.
Paige McCullers from Pretty Little Liars is the latest cunt to join the famed Cunt of the Week club. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it centers around four teenage girls who try to solve the murder of their best friend Alison while dodging bullets (both literal and figurative) sent their way by a mysterious blackmailer called A. One of our primary antagonists is Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell), who is arguably the prettiest of all the liars. Emily succeeds mostly in two things: (1) being a lesbian, and (2) fucking up absolutely everything because she is incredibly stupid.

The only character on the show who is more of a lesbian and more of a screw-up that Emily is her on-and-off girlfriend, Paige, portrayed by Lindsey Shaw. (Sorry, Maya comes in third place.) Don't know who Lindsey Shaw is? Kill yourself! She rose to fame playing budding lesbian Moze on Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. Good shit.

Paige is initially introduced in Pretty Little Liars as Emily's homophobic nemesis. "We all know what team you really play for," she snaps. (You see, Paige is incredibly original.) She and Emily are constantly duking it out for captain of the swim team. At one point, Paige tries to drown Emily. #Justified

Eventually, things get really heated, which thrilled me, because I love shit revolving around sports. Eventually, Paige shows up at Emily's doorstep in the pouring rain and apologizes for being such a major cunt. On her way home, she gets in a bicycle accident. That's right. A junior in high school rides her bike across the entire fucking town in the middle of a hail storm. Ever heard of a car, bitch? Later, Paige and Emily go for a "casual swim" together whilst Selena Gomez's "I Won't Apologize" plays. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. It's the perfect song for lesbians.

At this point, Paige isn't out of the closet but she's certainly reaching for the doorknob. All it takes is her father to embarrass her at school and she comes FLYING out, practically raping an unexpecting Emily in her car. I'm pretty sure it was raining then, too. As time passes, Paige continues to be a raging cunt while Emily bounces between Paige and every other lesbian in Rosewood. First Paige is like, "Yeah, I'm a lesbian." Then she's like, "Nope. I'm straight as an arrow." Then she's all like, "Yeah, maybe." In actuality, she says: "Sorry, Emily — I’m not looking to join a club and ride down Main Street on a rainbow chopper." And then she kind of goes away for a while.

By the third season, Paige is solidifying her position as the biggest cunt in town. (And with Ella around, that's hard to do.) Not only does she take advantage of an intoxicated Emily, but Paige gets drunk and makes a fool of herself at Jenna's birthday party.

Then this happens.
Later that season, Emily's friends suspect that Paige might be A, since she's psycho as all fuck and basically tried to kill Alison back in the day. You see, they had an intense rivalry because Alison would always call Paige "pig skin." #TeamAli

They soon eliminate that theory. I'm not sure how. A lot of crap happens on this show and it's hard to keep track of. But after that, they welcome Paige in as part of the gang and she's always there. I'm sorry, but if I suspected someone of having been a murderer, I don't know if I'd be buddy-buddy with them even after my suspicions were invalidated. Not only that, but why would Paige want to hang out with people who once thought she killed their best friend?!

Most recently, Paige decides to dispel lesbian stereotypes and show up to a Halloween party in a tuxedo. Then she fights off a costumed A who is trying to choke Spencer (one of the liars). You know what this means... She's gained even more of their trust and will practically be the fifth fucking pretty little liar! Ugh.

So, in summary. Paige is a cunt because she has pig skin and she took out her internal struggles on innocent, albeit annoying, lesbians like Emily. Then she became a rapist.

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