Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Cult of the Other Sister

For hours now, I have been fascinated by the societal phenomenon known as the other sister. This term refers to the sister of someone super famous and successful. The other sister is typically a major flop at life and pressed as fuck when it comes to her sister's fabulous life. I've compiled a list of the most notably pressed other sisters to help give the term legs.

Haylie sucks in her stomach. If looking skinnier
than Hilary is all she can get, then so be it!
1. Haylie Duff
Imagine being the older sister to the girl who revolutionized Disney Channel at the ripe age of 13 and remained famous well into adulthood for doing close to nothing else. This is the plight of Haylie Duff, whom you may know better as "Hilary's embarrassingly desperate sister." It's so easy to forget that Haylie is also in show business. Her career highlights include a supporting role in the overrated film Napoleon Dynamite and covering "Our Lips Are Sealed" with Hilary. Other than that, Haylie has mostly just stayed behind the scenes, writing and producing songs for her sister while Hilary soaks up all the attention and fame.

Most of Haylie's attempts to secure acting roles have been met with the response "Oh, we thought you were Hilary. Umm. Don't call us, we'll call you." She even tried to get her own recording career started, until Paris Hilton stole her song and people decided that they just didn't want to deal with Haylie anymore. C'est la vie! Just think, Haylie, had you been born just two years later, you could have been Lizzie McGuire!

I know what you're thinking. No, this is not
Paris taking her horse out to the pasture.
That's her sister, Nicky!
2. Nicky Hilton
Speaking of Paris Hilton, did you forget that she had a sister? I often do. In fact, the only thing I really knew about Nicky is that she got screwed in the name department. (Imagine having a sister named Paris while you're saddled with a name like Nicky, which just sounds like a bunch of gibberish!) Anyway, through my research, I learned something new: Nicky is actually younger than Paris. I always assumed she was older; she sure looks like it!

While Paris and Nicky stumbled into the spotlight together in the early 2000s, Paris swiftly realized that Nicky was holding her back, probably because she's about as interesting as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So Paris went ahead without her sister, made a sex tape, got a reality show, and the rest is history. Nicky was so pressed that she got a quickie Las Vegas marriage in 2004, hoping to earn some attention. Her plan didn't work out, and neither did her marriage, in case you were curious, which I'm sure you weren't. It's safe to assume that Nicky will spend the rest of her life in a Hilton Hotel room while Paris bathes in the spotlight. What's funny is that the Hilton sisters also have two brothers. At least Nicky can say she's more famous than them!

Who's that basic bitch standing next to Anne?
3. Mary Boleyn
Other sisters have been plaguing humanity throughout history. A really long time ago, King Henry VIII was fucking, marrying, and killing any seemingly fertile woman that came his way. One such slore was Anne Boleyn, his second wife whose marriage to Hank basically changed the face of England for all eternity. But whatever. More importantly, Anne was a grade A bitch, if her portrayal in The Other Boleyn Girl is anything to go by. #NotHereForHistoricalAccuracy Even more importantly, she had a sister named Mary, who was about as basic and pressed as they come.

Mary tried so hard to be like Anne, but she never did anything right. Anne's coy flirting and teasing eventually got her a throne and a tiara. Meanwhile, Mary put out for any king who glanced her way and all she got were a couple of bastard children who received no special royal treatment. Mary had such severe other sister syndrome that for centuries nobody cared about her, if they even knew she existed at all. In fact, nobody even knew when the hell she was born. It was only recently that people started giving a flying fuck about her, but that's mostly because our society has gotten more interested in King Henry, Anne, and the Tudor era in general and Mary was just kind of there (not at all unlike how Kevin Jonas is just kind of there with Nick and Joe, but that's for another day). The only good thing Mary had going for her is that she didn't get her head chopped off like Anne did. Then again, what a fabulously dramatic way to peace out. You go, Anne!

The Spears sisters before they both fucked up.
4. Jamie Lynn Spears
While Jamie Lynn Spears is a pressed other sister through and through, I would almost classify her as her own breed. Unlike the other basic bitches on this list, I actually like Jamie Lynn! But that doesn't change the fact that every decision she's ever made seems like a calculated plan to outshine her sister, the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Jamie Lynn has been pressed since birth, mostly due to the fact that Britney got an actual name and all she got was a hybrid of her father and mother's names (Jamie and Lynn, respectively). Then, as Britney became the greatest thing to grace this desolate planet, Jamie Lynn was like, "Wait, me too!" Here's a run down of what happened next:
  • Britney got her start on The Mickey Mouse Club, so naturally Jamie Lynn had to squeeze her way into another kid-friendly variety show. She did so in All That - not the good All That with Kenan and Kel, the really shitty one that had people like Jamie Lynn.
  • Britney blew up the music scene with jam after jam. Good ole JL knew she couldn't compete in that arena, so she took the acting route and starred in Zoey 101, which I'll admit is a classic. But it didn't last long, because...
  • Britney's life was not going so well, so Jamie Lynn decided to fuck a guy from church and birth his baby at the ripe age of 16. "Any meltdown you can do, I can do better," Jamie Lynn warned.
  • Britney proved she was stronger than yesterday with the most successful comeback this world has ever seen, so Jamie Lynn also attempted a comeback, which so far has comprised of a grassroots effort to launch a music career in Nashville. Good luck. I mean it!
They're both flops, but only one is pressed.
 5. Ashlee Simpson
Anybody who devotes an entire song to living in her sister's shadow is obviously pressed as fuck. While Jessica Simpson is hardly someone to be jealous of, younger sister Ashlee just can't seem to get her shit together and therefore is practically the poster child for the other sister. Her life has just been a clusterfuck of thinly veiled attempts to replicate Jessica's life. Ashlee became a "singer," just like Jessica. Ashlee became an "actress," just like Jessica. Ashlee had a reality show, just like Jessica. Ashlee's controversial nose job, which she got after making some spiel about self-image, mirrors Jessica's scrutinized weight fluctuation. Ash even demonstrated that she is just as dumb as Jessica, first when she married Pete Wentz and then when she got caught lip syncing during a performance on Saturday Night Live, did an Irish jig to distract the audience, and then blamed it all on acid reflux. Jessica has had some pretty embarrassing TV moments, but at least they were never that bad! In trying to copy her sister's every move, Ashlee proved only two things: (1) The spelling of her name is fucking disgusting; and (2) playing dumb only works for blondes. Sorry 'bout it!

2 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

ha! this was hilarious, tommy.

MKlass said...

Wonderfully said. I think you should become a history teacher, just so you can use the phrase "fucking, marrying, and killing any seemingly fertile woman that came his way" more often.