Thursday, October 25, 2012

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney

It's Eve, bitch.

To the Jews, there's only the Old Testament. To Christians, there's a sequel and that shit's called the Bible. To Mormons, there's a third book (which I only know because of The Book of Mormon #SorryI'mNotSorry). But to Britneyologists, there's a fourth book and in its entirety, it reads: "It's Britney, bitch." That's right, Britney is pretty much like Jesus fucking Christ himself. Think about it: just as he died for our sins, Britney paid for our insatiable obsession with celebrities. I can't think of a more beautifully poetic analogy.

To celebrate Britney's many talents, which range from singing jam after jam to turning water into Starbucks coffee, I've compiled a list of the best Britney Spears singles (note: I limited myself to singles not songs; shit would get cray). Naturally, there isn't such a thing as a bad Britney song, so this was really hard. But I was up for the challenge!

10. "Gimme More"
"Gimme More" has an interesting reputation. It's best known for introducing the line "It's Britney, bitch," which is still a pop culture phenomenon. However, its success was overshadowed by Britney's disastrous personal life, a lackluster career comeback, a boring music video, and the infamous VMA performance. Still, with its provocative lyrics and catchy hooks, the song is a classic and deserves to make the top ten.

9. "3"
I totally wanted to make this #3 on the list, but I had to prioritize my religious integrity over my OCD. In "3", Britney proves that counting can be fun. Why should sex be restricted to two individuals? Why not three? Or four... on the floor? It's a spiritual question that only the legendary Miss Britney Spears dares to ask. She also uses folk band Peter, Paul, and Mary as sexual slang which is fucking hilarious. Additionally, the music video is simple and understated: a refreshing change of pace for the singer. Kudos all over, B!

8. "Piece of Me"
She's Miss American Dream since she was 17, and now everybody's up her ass trying to get a piece of her. It don't get anymore autobiographical than this. While Britney has dealt with the topics of fame and paparazzi on numerous occasions, she did it best with "Piece of Me". While the music video leaves much to be desired (it was filmed at the peak of her breakdown, so yeah...), the song is a smash.

7. "...Baby One More Time"
How could the song that launched Britney into super stardom not make the cut? For over a decade, people wondered what exactly "hit me baby one more time" meant. While many agreed that it was sexual slang, there was no concrete evidence. Some Debbie Downers even suggested it was about domestic violence. #ugh More important than the complex mysterious surrounding the song's deep meaning is the iconic music video that accompanied it. Britney's record label originally wanted the clip to be animated and portray her as a super hero. "Hell fucking naw, y'all" was her response. Instead, Britney conceptualized the slutty school girl idea all on her own and history was made. Concurrently, the music video satisfied the sexual fantasies of innumerable Japanese businessmen.

 6. "Hold It Against Me"
Britney is no stranger to double entendres ("If U Seek Amy" anyone?), so if she said she wants your body now, would you hold it against her? This song holds a special place in my heart, as I listened to it on repeat for like 3 weeks and it exceeded 200 plays in my iTunes within three days. A lesser Britneyologist would be embarrassed, but I'm damn proud! On top of that, the music video is killer and reflects Britney's life and career in a super artistic way. Pop it like a hood!

5. "Circus"
In 2008, all eyes were on Britney. After a messy divorce, endless custody battle, stalled career, and a very public meltdown, everybody was curious as to whether or not the pop princess could make a comeback. There were nay-sayers for sure, but Britney put those cunts to shame when she released her sixth album, Circus. Its titular song is a personal favorite of mine and is just one of many jams that reflect her life as a superstar, with lyrics such as "All eyes on me/In the center of the ring/Just like a circus."

4. "Oops!... I Did It Again"
And did it again she did! In what is arguably her most famous song, Britney perfects her Lolita act, once again portraying the virginal whore that she played so well in the early years of her career. Britney is a serial heartbreaker, and you know what? Anyone who can pull of a red latex catsuit can be whatever the hell they want! The song's Titanic reference is just as famous as the music video's extraterrestrial setting. There's no shortage of fun here!

3. "Toxic"
This hardly requires an explanation. "Toxic" is quite possible Britney's best known song, and for obvious reasons. It's as creepy and unnerving as it is catchy and classic Britney. Screw feminism, because Britney is all about getting drunk on love at first sight, to which I say "holla." Plus the music video is definitely Britney's best and is one of the most influential music videos in modern pop music. Hell, even Lana Del Rey is all about that shit. Personally, I think this song is a great Halloween jam! 'Tis the season, am I right?
2. "Till the World Ends"
It's an apocolypse. The world is fucking ending. Whatcha gonna do? Well, if you're Britney Spears, you're going out in style. Bitch knows that the only way to spend the last minutes in this world as we know it is to get all nasty in an underground party filled with only attractive people. "Till the World Ends" is an undeniably perfect dance floor anthem. And why wouldn't it be? It was written by Ke$ha, who later joined Britney and Nicki Minaj in a killer remix. It's also the theme song for the new version of Twister, so you know it's a timeless classic.
1. "Everytime"
For those who say Britney isn't talented, I bring to you her finest song and #1 on my countdown. Britney wrote all the lyrics to "Everytime" by herself and the result is a beautifully chilling ballad chronicling her break-up from Justin Timberlake. (wtf is cry me a river?) Not only is the song Britney's most popular ballad, but its music video received significant attention for its religious imagery and its predictions of the singer's future struggles with fame. She really is like Jesus!

Like I said, this was super hard. If your favorite didn't make the cut, it was probably very close. Just for fun... Runner-ups included "If U Seek Amy", "Lucky", "Stronger", "Break the Ice", "Sometimes", "I'm a Slave 4 U", and "(You Drive Me) Crazy".

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