Friday, October 19, 2012

Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Villains

Like most of you, I loved myself a good Disney movie when I was a youngster. I would pop in those VHS tapes like there was no tomorrow. Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King were my top picks, but I would watch anything that opened with that classic triumphant tune and the boring-ass striped castle against that unflattering blue backdrop.

While Disney films were designed to teach us about right and wrong with plots that were dripping with sexism and racism, I always found myself rooting for the villain. This probably should have been a warning flag to my parents, but who cares. I was all about the evil bitches who were just trying to live their lives uninhibited by other people's crap, and I turned out absolutely fine.

Anyway, since Halloween is just around the corner, I've decided to celebrate these BAMFs by counting down the Top 5 Disney Villains. I just know you'll agree.

I love bitches who stick to their own color palette. And
damn, would you look at those feathers? Snaps!
5. Lady Tremaine and her two bitchin' daughters
Who knew being ugly could make you look so good? Cinderella's wicked stepmother and stepsisters are super fabulous, mostly due to the fact that they aren't really evil, just bitchy as hell. In fact, if you think about it, they didn't really do anything wrong. Lady Tremaine just married rich, which is fine. If you find someone who's willing to put a ring on it and they've got a bank account to boot, there ain't nothing wrong with hopping on that gift horse! Nobody said she didn't love him. And when he died and left Lady T all his money, well, you don't know that she killed him. You have no proof.

Then there's her daughters, Anastasia and Drizella, who belt out beautiful tunes such as "Sing Sweet Nightingale" and specialize in making Cinderella's life a living hell. And brownie points to Drizella for having a sick name. These three women are experts in bossing people around, and they use their skills on Cinderella, who is bipolar and borderline schizophrenic. If you ask me, bitch was asking for a lifetime of indentured servitude. It's not as if she's rotting in the basement eating nothing but crumbs. She's well fed and has an entire fucking tower to herself. So if she could be just appreciate what she has and not wigsnatch her stepsisters every fucking chance she gets, that'd be great. And who didn't just revel in the classic dress-ripping scene? Lol. All that dress did was prove mice suck at fashion design. The only bad thing about these ladies is Anastasia. She goes soft in the sequels, falls in love with a baker, and aligns herself with Char-face. All of that goes against bitch code!

I bet this is a serious sexual fetish for some people.
4. Jafar
I'm not sure what it is about Jafar. Maybe it's his sick cobra cane and wise-cracking parrot or perhaps it's his badass facial hair ("And your beard is so... twisted"), but he is just absolutely amazing. I love the fact that he's considered a trusted, respectable royal adviser when he's dressed like a fucking demon and looks absolutely baked at all times. And there's nothing better than a social-climber who's willing to lie, cheat, steal, and kill to get what he wants.

As I child, I identified with Jafar. Not only did we both recognize that Jasmine is a total slut, but we shared the same passion for harassing the homeless. (Those damn street rats!) And when he turned Jasmine into his sex slave and then became a giant ass snake, I was like, Yeah, Jafar. You go! Though Jafar loses out in the end, true to Disney's standards, he demonstrated that he is the absolute shit, and he didn't need a fucking magic carpet to prove it.

Totally casual.
3. Ursula
Whether Ursula is a squid or an octopus is still a hotly debated issue, but one thing that's clear is that she is the best villain the seven seas have ever seen. Ursula has been in the business of helping poor unfortunate souls for, like, ever (her white hair provides evidence that she's old as fuck). Are you longing to be thinner? Do you want to get the girl? Well Ursula will hook you up. This big, bad sea witch is all about helping people achieve their goals, and it's not her fault if you don't know how to read the fine print.

Some may say she took advantage of Ariel when she was all like, "Gimme your voice and I'll make you human, but then I'll take your soul if you don't wow the humans." However, I say it was a fair trade. And if you ask me, that ginger bitch deserved to be screwed over! She was nothing but an angsty teenager who hoarded shit and wasn't grateful for her life. Ursula is the one who's been banished from the palace and is "wasting away, practically starving!" Her only company are two incestuous eels with speech impediments. You don't see her complaining, do you? No, she just wants to give back. And you bet your ass she'll come after you if you don't uphold your end of the bargain. But what true professional wouldn't?

What it do, bitch?
2. Maleficent
How could someone who's known as the Mistress of Evil not make this list. Coming in at number 2, Maleficent is an evil fairy who has made a career of being mischievous. An expert in the art of passive aggression, Maleficent crashes the baby shower of Princess Aurora (what a horribly obnoxious name, btw). "Oh, dear, what an awkward situation," she says after that blue bitch Merryweather says M wasn't invited on purpose. "I had hoped it was merely due to some oversight." To show that she's not offended and means no ill will, Maleficent bestows upon the princess the gift of a great life until her sixteenth birthday, when she'll basically die after pricking her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. While I think this is just too great for words, Maleficent does make a rookie mistake by putting that "true love's kiss" detail in there. Personally, I wouldn't have thought that anybody could truly love Aurora, since she's as bland as a vanilla milkshake. But still, Maleficent shouldn't have risked it.

For the next 16 years, Maleficent has her army of goblins scouring the land for any signs of the princess, who has assumed the identity of Briar Rose and is fucking around in the forest somewhere. The trolls prove to be as useless as an Olsen twin, so our horned bitch sends out a raven who gets the job done. Maleficent then hypnotizes Aurora and brings her to the castle where the whole spinning wheel prophecy is fulfilled. But Prince Phillip is having none of this and braves Maleficent's thorny forest to rescue his beloved BR. I was so conflicted as a child, because I was totes Team Phillip and Team Maleficent at the same time. However, my allegiance to Maleficent was sealed when she transforms herself into a bitchin' dragon. True, she dies. But whatever, she went out in style.

He about to slap a bitch!
1. Frollo
It's the 1400s. Shit isn't going well. Gypsies be sneakin' into Paris like Taylor Swift into a Kennedy wedding. Judge Claude Frollo is just trying to do his thing, being a minister of justice and all, but of course everyone needs to get in his way. With no other option, he bashes a gypsy's head into the pavement and attempts to drown her deformed baby in a well until a fat priest orders him to raise the little fucker as his own. What is Frollo, a fucking orphanage? Hell no. But out of the goodness of his heart, he lets the baby live in Notre Dame's bell tower and becomes his surrogate father.

Fast forward 20 years and the gypsy baby has grown into a hunchback known as Ginnifer Goodwin Quasimodo. Frollo tells Q he can't leave the church because he is a monster and would be rejected by society. And that's totally probably true, so all Frollo was doing was trying to protect him. It's called tough love, damn it. But Quasimodo, true to form, decides to be disobedient as all fuck and goes into the city anyway. People boo, they throw things, just like Frollo said they would. On top of that, there's a gypsy bitch named Esmeralda who's practically giving blow jobs on the street. Like every other man in Paris, Frollo is all about nailing Esmeralda. In "Hellfire", quite possibly the best Disney song ever, Frollo attempts to deal with his burning sexual desire. He prays to God to either give Esmeralda to him or let her burn in hell. And let's be honest, who hasn't made those kinds of prayers?

Naturally, things don't go Frollo's way because Quasimodo is hellbent on proving that outer ugly equals inner beauty and then some jackass with a bowl cut named Phoebus gets added into the mix. A bunch of shit goes down, and Frollo decides that it's high time to set the whole city aflame, which is totally understandable. Unfortunately, he totally ends up burning in the hell that he's created. It's called poetic irony and I love it.


Charity said...

I ran across this totally by accident -- and it's magnificent. I laughed my whole way through it. (I'd add Scar to the list, but that's just me -- he's awesome.) Brilliant!

alexis westerholm said...

Actually maleficent does not add the true loves kiss into it, the good fairy does. If you watch the movie maleficent comes right before the last fairy could bestow a gift.