Monday, October 1, 2012

When Good Shows Become Steaming Piles of Unwatchable Shit: An Open Letter to Gossip Girl Showrunners

A pretty cast can only do so much when the show starts to suck ass.

Dear Gossip Girl so-called writers,

FUCK YOU.

Granted, I've only been an avid Gossip Girl fan for about two years now, but I have some serious grievances to address. But let us delve into some history first, shall we? I binge-watched the first four seasons in a few short months and fell head-over-heels in love. It had everything I stand for: beautiful and rich teenagers living like mini-adults and constantly getting into fights that usually stem from love triangles or the hunger for power in a rigid high school hierarchy.

Damn it, Vanessa. We all hate you!
For a good chunk of my life, I neglected social plans, academic obligations, and other duties to catch up on all the juicy twists and turns in the lives of the Upper East Side clique. Even though I found some decisions the show's writers made questionable, I stuck with it. I sucked it up when Vanessa Abrams (Jessica Szohr) came out of fucking nowhere, seemingly for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of everyone. I got over the monotonous drama of Blair and Chuck's (Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick, respectively) relationship, which was more on-and-off than Mariah Carey's weight. I accepted that Serena (Blake Lively) was basically just going to sit around and do nothing for seasons on end, much like the actress who plays her. I DGAFed when Nate's (Chace Crawford) only function became dating women who turn out to be major cunts. I didn't complain when Blair seemed to find a new royal to date every five seconds, nor did I throw a fit when Jenny (Taylor Momsen) started looking like a raccoon prostitute. I resisted copious eye rolling when there was an entire "Let's Kill Serena" conspiracy, headed by Melrose Place leftover Katie Cassidy. I even stifled my vomit when Dan (Penn Badgley) deemed Vanessa a worthy fuck. All of this and other such messes were a-okay for the first four seasons.

Then came the fifth season, which shall know be known as the Unspeakable Aberration. This miscarriage of entertainment saw innumerable story lines that exemplify the writers' fading creativity and general incompetence. Let's start with the fact that every single character decides, not explicitly so, that they were going to stop attending college. Then Nate, who can't be older than 20, takes over a fucking newspaper with no journalistic experience. Meanwhile, Dan was off somewhere becoming a world renowned author, also at the ripe age of 19 or 20. But none of this compares to Blair, who's about to marry a prince and become fucking European royalty. But wait, she still loves Chuck. And also Dan. So, rather than get her shit together, she sluts it up for half a season, becomes a pious Bible thumper for an episode and a half, and then resumes her role as a three-timing skank. It was the first time that I actually preferred Serena over Blair. But don't worry, that went out the window when Serena tricked Dan into cheating on Blair with her and then fell back on her cocaine habit. All the while, a con artist with a serious case of smoker's voice named Ivy Dickens (Kaylee DeFer) wastes our time masquerading as Serena's cousin, Charlie Rhodes. The real Charlotte Rhodes (Ella Rae Peck) shows up later and shit ensues. However, the award for Biggest "What the Ever Loving Fuck" Moment goes to when Chuck's father, Bart, turns up alive three years after the audience saw him die in a hospital.

It's sad when you long for the days
when this bitch was still crawling
around the Upper East Side.
Gossip Girl will begin its shortened sixth and final season next Monday with only a fraction of its once impressive audience. (Well, impressive for CW standards.) Many of my fellow GG fans jumped ship during Blair's aforementioned religious awakening. I stayed with the show, mostly due to my compulsive inability to abandon a series no matter how rank it gets. But let me tell you, I don't know if even I'll make it through the final ten episodes. What do we have in store for us? Dan, who began the fifth season with the publication of his scandalous book, will begin the sixth season with the publication of another scandalous book. Cool. I'm loving the creativity, versatility, and character arc development behind that decision. Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck will team up to take down Bart. Shouldn't be hard, since he's supposed to be dead and all. Serena will be in a coked-up state of irresponsibility and self-absorption, which is a refreshing departure from her usual sober state of irresponsibility and self-absorption. I'm not really sure what Nate will be up to, because I barely remember anything he's done since the first season.

So, in conclusion, Gossip Girl is just not a thing anymore. Cheers to the wonderful showrunners for mishandling a once-marvelous series, murdering its allure, beating it afterwards, burying it far below ground, and then digging up its corpse and letting it decompose in plain sight.

XOXO,
A so-called fan

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