Friday, November 30, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Angelica Pickles

The ultimate bitch lifestyle.
If you're name is Angelica Pickles, you have two options: you can either let people bully you because you're name is lame or you can own that shit because your name is the best thing ever. At the young age of three, Angelica knew to take the latter route in Rugrats, one of the greatest cartoons of all time.

Angelica is a grade A bitch. No matter how mean she is to cousin Tommy and his ragtag group of friends, which included a ginger and two lopsided incestuous twins, they always wanted her approval. And who wouldn't? She gets everything she wants, usually a cookie; she has her parents, and most other adults, wrapped around her fingers; she knows how to defend her turf from the nuisance that is Susie Carmichael from down the street; hell, she even understands the value of a Barbie Cynthia doll over some stupid Godzilla knock-off. Simply put, Angelica is an inspiration, a Regina George in training, if you will.

Always the center of attention, Angelica serenades the gang.
Can we just look at how fucking pressed Susie is?
Angelica's bitchery is evident in almost every episode of the show. Remember the time she convinced Chuckie that a watermelon was going to grow inside him since he swallowed a seed? Or what about the time she broke Tommy's clown lamp but held a trial and tried to blame that shit on one of the babies? And who could forget when she stole Aunt Didi's identity to order delivery over the phone?

Angelica in one of many Christmas specials, proving that
bitchery is never seasonal.
Perhaps it was Rugrats in Paris in which Angelica was shining at her brightest. Bitch wanted a float in the Euro Reptarland parade and was willing to go to any lengths to fulfill that wish. So she promises to help Coco Labouche con Chuckie's dad into marrying her. Amazing, the refined bitchery of which Angelica was capable at such a young age. We should all look at her as a prodigy and an inspiration.

It's no wonder she went rogue, though. Imagine if your familial and social circles were constantly being bombarded by outsiders. First, Susie moves her sorry ass into the neighborhood and continually tries to wigsnatch Angelica. Then, Stu and Didi are unable to control themselves and soon enough Angelica has to deal with a new cousin, Dil, who is a HUGE pain in the ass. And then Chuckie gets an Asian stepsister named Kimi! KIMI! What the hell is that? Is that even a name?

Angelica has taught us many things, the most important of all being that you are never too young to be a bitch. I implore you all, as you start your families and raise your children, to encourage them to embrace this lifestyle. You won't be disappointed.

I couldn't not put this in here.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera

Too dirrty to clean my act up.

A wise man, aka me, once said that Christina Aguilera was "like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy." The singer, whose song "Your Body" is a former Jam of the Week, is an atrocity. The anti-Britney, and therefore the anti-Christ, has been cunting it up for fucking ever. Well guess what, bitch? The genie's out of the bottle. Because today, you're officially the Cunt of the Week.

How cute! Well, everyone except for Christina.
Christina began poisoning the minds of innocent Americans in 1991 when she joined The Mickey Mouse Club alongside Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Even as a child she was a major pain in everyone's ass and she earned the nickname "the Diva" on set. Sure, they said it was because of her amazing vocal talents, but we all know it's because she was cunting it up like no other. Luckily, she faded into obscurity when the show was cancelled three years later. That is, until...

In 1998, Aguilera was so desperate for work that she had no choice but to go to her former employer, the Walt Disney Company. They were all like, "Not this bitch again." But she was like, "Yeah, I'm back" and forced them to let her sing "Reflection" for the film Mulan. Had they known that the song would launch Xtina into super stardom, I bet the Disney execs wouldn't have let her sing it. But we cannot prevent what we cannot predict.

Luckily, Britney Spears was beginning her own singing career at the same time (although she didn't have to go through Disney to do it). And while Britney was perfecting her adorably sexy Lolita act, Christina was just being a blunt slut with songs like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants", in which she begged for us to rub all up on her barely-legal body.

It's called being a cunt.
But even that wasn't trashy enough for Floptina, as she made a point to re-invent her image and become an even bigger whore. Her song "Dirrty" (because two r's are better than one) became her life motto, and the world was subjected to an entire era of cuntitude. But don't worry, because she assured everybody that "I'm not just another bimbo."

It was around this time that everybody stopped caring about Christina. Did you know that Madonna kissed Xtina during the same performance in which she infamously locked lips with Britney Spears? Probably not. Nobody does.

Soon enough, however, Christina was bored again and realized that people don't respond well when she basically gives blowjobs on stage. So she decided to class up her act by becoming a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. I fully and solely blame Christina for launching this generation of girls' belief that Marilyn Monroe is the most inspirational woman who ever lived and for allowing said girls to think that if they post the same fucking MM quote in their Facebook status as someone else did ten minutes before, it somehow makes them special and deep.

In the past three years, Christina has released two albums: Bionic and Lotus. Never heard of them? Yeah, there's a reason. They're awful and they sold like four copies each. During this time, she somehow found some sucker to marry and father her child, got a divorce, fucked up the national anthem at the Super Bowl, got arrested for being drunk as fuck in public, embarrassed herself to no-end as the pressed judge on The Voice, and pretended to be an actress in Burlesque.

It's not secret that Christina has always been a cunt, and I'm thankful that people are finally starting to catch on. It gives me great pleasure to award her Cunt of the Week. I'll leave you with this. In her song "Beautiful", Christina sings "words can't bring you down." But damn, has she definitely tried! Click here to take a look at all the celebrities she's dissed and all the ones who have recounted the nasty things she's done to them!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Review: Liz & Dick

Is she high? They can't even photoshop her to sobriety.
This past holiday weekend, I gave thanks to Lifetime for providing me with the opportunity to watch Lindsay Lohan make her comeback in the highly coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor. You see, sometime last year, LizzieTay said, "It's my dream to have my life's story told on the silver screen with the aid of the most talented and respected actors Hollywood has to offer." So Lifetime, known for its cinematic mastery, said okay and cast Lilo, who is known the world over for her refined acting skill, reliability, and clean bill of health. And then Elizabeth Taylor died.

The film chronicles the controversial marriage of Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler), starting with their affair on the set of Cleopatra. What follows is an epic shitshow, with choppy scenes, crappy writing, and cringe-worthy acting. Lindsay did her best to keep Liz's faint British accent, but she couldn't stop herself from slipping back into her natural husky valley girl voice that kind of makes you wish the last Rihanna song you heard just annihilated your ability to hear once and for all. And while Richard was an actor trained in Shakespearean theater, I don't he really talked like he was from the fucking 1400s. "I've got an entire ocean in you." Yuck! The only thing you have with Lindsay is a brick of cocaine. #SorryBoutIt

As Elizabeth and Richard's affair progresses, they break ties with their respective spouses, which prompts Richard's wife to attempt suicide and guilt him into staying with her. So what does Lindsay as Liz do? The same thing. "I won't live without you!" she screams as she downs a handful of sleeping pills with a vodka chaser. "This shouldn't take too long." Nice.

Later, Liz takes a break from both her career and the affair. While attempting to bond with her children, she just screams, out of nowhere, "I'm bored! I'M SO BORED!" It truly is amazing how eloquently she conveyed the audience's opinions. And from there, everything is kind of a blur. At one point, Liz & Dick are living on a boat, slipping deeper into alcoholism, and calling each other fat (or, more specifically, "Miss Pudgy Digits"). They get divorced and then remarried in Botswana. And then divorced again.

Oh, and then this happened. Lol at the shitty aging make-up.
The most deplorable element of Liz & Dick, however, is its mockumentary aspect. Reality-style confessionals of the two titular characters are randomly interspersed throughout the film. The writer clearly didn't know how to convey the characters' emotions in the script's dialog, so he just decided to have them break the fourth wall and literally just tell the audience how they feel. How neat. It was all too confusing as well, as Lindsay and Grant are playing the characters at their ages in the beginning of the film, yet they're reminiscing about events that took place almost two decades later, like Dick's death. Is this some sort of quasi-heaven?

In all honesty, the film is not that bad. In the grand scheme of things, it's at least on par with much of what Lifetime usually barfs out. But everything was working against it. One of the most controversial stars today was portraying one of the most controversial stars in history. Everybody expected it to be memorable but also made up their minds ahead of time that it would be horrible. I'm not saying Lindsay deserves an Emmy for this, and her skill has definitely suffered in the hazy years between now and her Mean Girls hay day, but shouldn't we be commending her for at least attempting to get her life back on track?

Nah. This was total garbage and she should be ashamed of herself. You can bet your bottom dollar the Elizabeth Taylor is probably having a fucking seizure in her grave over this mess. I think Linday should star in a crappy CBS sitcom or something. That will keep her working consistently and (hopefully) out of rehab or jail and off the roads!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Jam of the Week: "Snake Charmer" by Jessica Lowndes

The current Jam of the Week also takes the title for being one of the most ridiculous tunes I've heard in a while. The song is "Snake Charmer" and the artist is Jessica Lowndes. You're probably thinking, wtf is a jessica lowndes? Well, she's the oval-faced bitch who plays Adrianna Tate-Duncan on 90210 (the uber shitty but incredibly addicting reboot, not the glorious original).

To understand why this song exists, we must first delve into the complex character that is Adrianna Tate-Duncan. (She has a hyphenated last name, so you know her life is just that complicated.) She begins the series as a former child actress with a serious drug addiction. By her seventeenth birthday, she's already gone to rehab and given up her baby for adoption. In the second season, Adrianna gets a second chance at fame when a foreign pop star named Javier asks her to tour with him. Unfortunately, they're involved in a car accident. Javier dies, and Adrianna doesn't even have a scratch on her. She's so uninjured, in fact, that she's able to steal Javier's book of song lyrics, which she uses to advance her solo career. Once her deception is discovered, she becomes the most hated woman in America (think Casey Anthony or Kristen Stewart). At this point, Adrianna gets a reality show.

By the fourth season, Adrianna is working as a waitress and it's as if she was never famous. But, as luck would have it, her new bf Dixon is also into music and together they start making waves in the industry. However, their partnership takes a bad turn and pretty soon Adrianna is back to her solo career, which, in a very Taylor Swift-esque move, she decides will be in country music. Um okay, because Beverly Hills bitches know so much about country music.

And here we are. Adrianna releases "Snake Charmer", which sounds like three awful dance songs rolled into one. It honestly makes no fucking sense. Like so much else on the show, the writers don't bother explaining why a country singer decided to release this song. So why is it Jam of the Week? Well, because it's so bad that it's actually kind of amazing. Take a listen and hear for yourself!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez

If I were her, I'd throw slushies at
people too.
Glee has no shortage of bitches. From cruel coach Sue Sylvester to the selfish and vain Quinn Fabray, you can't throw a rock out a damn window at McKinley High without hitting a tried and true bitch. However, the bitchiest bitch of them all, and therefore the best one suited for Bitch of the Week, is Santana Lopez.

Santana is about as ghettoliciously bitchy as it gets. She explained her upbringing beautifully: "I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face." Perhaps one day I'll write a dissertation on how bitchiness is hereditary, but for now, this will do.

In the beginning of the series, Santana was a bitchy cheerleader who, alongside Coach Sue, Quinn, and Brittany, plots to take down the glee club. But just because she was part of a four-woman conspiracy doesn't mean Santana didn't have her own agenda. The audience got their first taste of true bitch when Santana stole Puck from Quinn after some steaming sexting. ("Sexting?" Quinn asked. "Sexy texting!" Santana explained. "Seriously, what era are you from?")

Eventually, it came time to destroy the relationship between the glee co-captains, innocent but self-absorbed Rachel and dim-witted Finn, because if their romance crumbled, so would the entire club. Taking a page from the ultimate bitch's handbook, Santana decided to seduce Finn. "Everything about you screams 'virgin,'" she tells him. "You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you." When Santana wasn't busy plotting, she was keeping up with her daily bitchery, usually by harassing Rachel about her wardrobe and calling her Yentl, dwarf, midget, or whatever other fun nickname popped into her head. #inspiration

A Bitch and a Blonde.
As the series progressed, Santana was truly a bitch in heat, unable to remain celibate for long. She and Brittany embarked on a fling, and although Brittany wanted something more, Santana was in it purely for the sex. "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food."

However, it wasn't until the writers began peeling back the many layers of Santana when I finally truly understood her and related to her. In a second season episode, she confessed: "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it." THANK YOU. Omg, welcome to the club! It's not our fault people can't handle the truth! Santana's allegiance to the truth can best be summed up in her quote from the episode "Born This Way":
Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.
Sorry haters can't handle her spilling some mad truth tea, okay!

Shit gets real when Santana starts coming to terms with her feelings for Brittany. "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." #holler While the two enjoy a steady relationship, Santana never let her personal happiness eclipse her responsibility of destroying the happiness of those around her.

As with most things Glee-related, Santana isn't as fun as she used to be. Hell, now that she's in college, she's barely on the show! But she will forever remain one of the bitchiest TV characters of all time. Love her!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Amanda Bynes, Because It Was Only a Matter of Time

"Thaaaaat's me!"
If you're feeling down this holiday season, I suggest a healthy dosage of Cunt of the Week to ease your troubles, because this week's cunt is the most ridiculous person I've ever heard of.

Remember when Amanda Bynes was the shit? She was like Hilary Duff, but the Nickelodeon version. She was part of the bitchin' original cast of All That, headlined her own self-titled variety show, and showed her stuff in films like Big Fat Liar, She's the Man, and Hairspray. Well, as it turns out, like so many lovely ladies on our television screen, Amanda is a total cunt. Her cuntitude can best be conveyed in a timeline.

2002 - 2006: Amanda follows up her teenage success with a show called What I Like About You. For four years, Amanda reportedly had a huge ego, slutted in up like no other, and constantly antagonized her co-star Jennie Garth. Oh Mandy. Putting yourself in direct conflict with a former Bitch of the Week practically seals your fate as a cunt.

June 2010: Amanda announces that she's retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24. "Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem," she tweeted. "If I don’t love something anymore, I stop doing it. I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it." AKA she can't find work and gives up. That is, until...

July 2010: Amanda declares that she's "unretired" only a month after calling it quits. Eyebrows were raised - oh, were they raised - but if anything, she just comes off as reckless and immature.

September 2010: Easy A, Amanda's final pre-retirement project, hits theaters. Although it's funny as fuck, Amanda has an inexplicable case of chipmunk cheeks. Wtf?

March 8, 2012: A police officer pulls Amanda over for talking on her cell phone while driving. He goes to his squad car to write the ticket, but the actress flees the scene before he can give it to her. Showing some semblance of responsibility, she picks up her citation at the police station later in the day.

April 6, 2012: Amanda is arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood after crashing into a police car. She refuses to let authorities take a blood test and later goes on to publicly claim that she was not drinking. Millions of 90s children lose their role model.

Literally, within 24 hours of being arrested, Amanda goes clubbing again, but is denied entry into The Stanford club because of her arrest.

April 10, 2012: Amanda is allegedly involved in a hit-and-run after swiping another car on the 101, fleeing the scene, and blowing through a red light.

She's probably scheduling a hair appointment. I would if
that was my hair.
April 12, 2012: Photographers catch Amanda texting while driving. And then she backs her car up a sidewalk. (Picture to the right.)

April 15, 2012: Amanda decides to hold up traffic on a busy West Hollywood street while attempting to make a 3-point turn. This is after she forgets to pay a valet earlier in the day.

May 4, 2012: A fucking police helicopter chases Amanda's ass after she allegedly committed a hit-and-run. When she is finally pulled over, she swears to the police that she didn't realize she had hit another car.

June 6, 2012: Shortly after being officially charged for her DUI, Amanda tweets President Obama and asks him to fire the cop that arrested her. Okay now. That is some Lindsay Lohan-level cray.

August 4, 2012: After a relatively quiet summer, Amanda hits yet another car and then flees the scene once she realizes she would have to exchange information with the victim. In her defense, this is the first car accident she doesn't run away from right away, so she probably doesn't know the proper protocol!

August 20, 2012: Amanda gets rear-ended. At least it's not her fault this time.

September 9, 2012: The roads of LA are safe once again, as Amanda's license is suspended because she can't drive for shit.

The same exact day her license is suspended, Amanda is pulled over for driving... with a suspended license... at night with no headlights.

At least she wore her glasses!
September 13, 2012: Paparazzi trail Amanda for hours as she drives with a suspended license and repeatedly takes pot hits from a pipe. (Picture to the left.)

That same night, Amanda whips up her special, which is getting into another car accident.

September 14, 2012: Amanda gets into another fucking car accident. She was driving with a suspended license. With a scarf around her head.

September 16, 2012: Amanda is pulled over for driving aimlessly around Burbank Airport, ticketed for driving with a suspended license, and her car is impounded.

September 17, 2012: Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda for being a total fuck-up. Wow... If Lindsay Lohan, who is probably the co-founder of the ALC (American League of Cunts) thinks you're even worse off than she is, you are absolutely fucked.

Meanwhile, Amanda shops at a West Hollywood clothing store and locks herself in a dressing room for almost two hours. When she finally emerges, she purchases several items, including a bathing suit she forgets she's wearing underneath her clothes. She then proceeds to sit in a Starbucks by herself for an additional three hours. Clearly, she had a lot to do that day.

September 18, 2012: Amanda decides that she doesn't want a single day to go by without her fucking something up, so she goes to a gym and partakes in a 50-minute spinning class. Eventually, she gets bored and starts wandering around the room aimlessly. And then she takes off her shirt, revealing a black lace bra, not a sports bra. And then she leaves to reapply her make-up for 10 minutes, at which point the instructor throws her sorry ass out.

September 19, 2012: Amanda insists, "I'm doing amazing" before saying that she's retired from acting again, plans to launch a fashion design, and then claiming that she doesn't drink. Ah, hellz naw!

September 21, 2012: After multiple attempts to reach out to their client, Amanda's manager, agent, and publicist all drop her. It's sad when even the people who get paid to keep celebrity's lives together don't even want to deal with her.

September 24, 2012: Amanda is spotted in New York City, taking her cuntitude coast-to-coast. She tells friends that her impromptu trip is so she can "be alone"... in one of the most populated cities in the country.

September 26, 2012: Still fucking shit up in the Big Apple, Amanda strikes again and locks herself in the bathroom of a cupcake shop. After 30 minutes, the employees and patrons grow concerned and start checking on her, but she doesn't reply. They call the police, who arrive 15 minutes to break down the door. Amanda then said, "Excuse me. I was doing my make-up." UMM...

Thankfully, Amanda's most recent issues have been within the confides of a courthouse. And that's not as fun as her getting into a car accident every day, so I'm not going to write about it. My point is, if you're feeling blue or just looking for a reason to be thankful, just be glad you ain't this bitch!

Penelope Taint is most certainly not be Amanda's number-one fan anymore, please.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Jam of the Week: "Scream & Shout" by and Britney Spears

This week's Jam of the Week is "Scream & Shout" by featuring the legendary Miss Britney Spears. If you've already heard the song, which leaked this weekend but doesn't receive its official release until later this week, you know that it's not the best song in the world. In fact it does a lot of things wrong. Firstly, it's by, who is like a pressed version of Timbaland; he's barely tolerable in the Black Eyed Peas, but now he has a solo career? Secondly, the song is just bad. From its forgettable lyrics ("When you hear us in the club/You gotta turn this shit up" and "When we up in the club/All eyes on us") to its basic dance beat, the song does little to distinguish itself from everything else out there.

However, the one thing that this song does right, the one thing that earns "Scream & Shout" the title of Jam of the Week, is BRITNEY. True, she's not in the song a ton; true, she sings in a British accent for most of her solo; true, this song is so decidedly un-Britney that could have had just about anyone else sing her part. But at the end of the day, it's Britney, bitch. She even says it in this song, too! So turn up the volume because we about to scream and shout with Britney!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Review: Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Explicit content indeed.
The summer of 2011 was quite eventful. With Britney Spears on tour, it was damn near impossible to focus on anything else. But it was during those hot months that the artist formerly known as Lizzie Grant starting making waves in the music scene. Lana Del Rey's debut single, "Video Games", put her on the map and she had many people buzzing that she was the savior of pop music; however, she's since experience the ugly side of fame. After two atrocious appearances on Saturday Night Live, critics brutally attacked her debut album Born to Die and wrote her off as quickly as they had originally embraced her.

But that shit ain't gonna keep Lana down. This week, she released her latest work, Paradise. Overall, the album lacks the diversity that made Born to Die so great (where's the quasi-rapping, Lana?), but proves that her debut album was more than just a fluke; she may be a little annoying, and incredibly haunting, but she is talented!

Paradise opens with former Jam of the Week "Ride". As I stated in that post, the song is quintessential Lana, as she sings about wandering through life, looking for love to give her a purpose. "Ride" sets up the album perfectly. "I've been trying too hard with one pretty song," she sings, most likely referencing the single that made her famous. I'm loving the autobiographical content, Lana.

"American", the second track, is one of Lana's prettiest songs. To be honest, I'm not sure what this song accomplishes other than expressing Lana's fondness for Americana, but something meaningful must exist within the lyric "Be young, be dope, be proud/Like an American," a line which is followed by excessive cooing. While I don't know what this song means, I know how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like I should be rolling around in an American flag while high off shrooms.

"My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola," Lana sings at the top of "Cola", the funniest song on the album. The track tells the story of a teenage girl seducing an older married man, which a theme I can really support because it's hilarious. What else is comical? When she says, "Drugs suck it up/Like vanilla Icees/Don't treat me rough/Treat me really nicies." Lana's songs are no strangers to baby-talk, but this really takes the cake for its ridiculousness. After listening to this song, I ask you two questions: (1) Between "Cola" and "Diet Mountain Dew" from her debut album, what's up with Lana's cold pop fixation? And (2) What carbonated beverage does your pussy taste like?

"Body Electric" is the next song, and it opens with the lines, "Elvis is my daddy/Marilyn's my mother/Jesus is my bestest friend." The rest of the song is, unfortunately, a let down. The entire chorus consists of Lana simply saying, "I sing the body electric." What the fuck is the body electric? I'm not sure, but I don't like Lana making up shit to sing about.

Lana's cover of "Blue Velvet" is, quite frankly, disturbing. If you've seen any of Lana's H&M commercials, this is the song playing. It truly makes me feel as if I'm about to get married in some seedy motel or something. I don't like it. At all. Moving on.

"Gods & Monsters" is a great song, if for nothing else but its title. Keeping with the overall theme of the album, the song is about sex. "In the land of gods and monsters/I was an angel looking to get fucked hard," she sings. And apparently, she gets her wish, as additional lyrics go: "Fuck yeah, give it to me/This is heaven, what I truly want." I just wonder if she nailed a god or a monster.

The next song, "Yayo", makes me want to die. Seriously, even Lana sounds like the life is being drained from her as she sings. I'm not sure what a yayo is, but I'm applying the "Body Electric" principle here. I don't like songs about made-up shit!

The final song on the standard edition, "Bel Air" is wonderful because the music makes me feel like I'm driving down Wisteria Lane on a bright spring day. The song successfully conveys the opulence of its namesake, and I'm all for things about rich people.

If you get the album on iTunes, you'll be treated to the bonus track "Burning Desire". It might as well be titled "Ride Part II", as it is incredibly similar to the opening song, at least in theme. One one hand, this makes it a great finale for the album; on the other hand, it seems rather excessive.

In conclusion, Paradise is classic Lana. She exudes the same sex-crazed, love-starved fragility that was at the heart of Born to Die. It proves that Lana is more than a one-hit wonder, but also reminds us all, with its many flaws, that she isn't the savior of pop music as she was once heralded.

Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone

One of the cardinal rules of being a Bitch of the Week is to not be a redhead. There are only three exceptions to this rule: Marcia Cross, Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo, and Emma Stone. Today, I welcome the latter, a blonde-dyed-ginge, to the Bitch of the Week family.

Emma has come a long way since her debut film role in Superbad, which remains one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. Who could forget the classic scene of her attempting to be sexy by wetting her crotch at a sorority car wash in The House Bunny? ("I can't expect everyone to have seen The House Bunny," she's said. "Oh God. I am having such waves of internal embarrassment, which now I'm admitting on a tape recorder. This is so one of the things I should keep in my head.") And Easy A is arguably one of the best teen comedies to ever grace this earth. ("I've still never seen it," she once confessed.)

However, fame didn't come overnight for Emma. "I was a stepsister in a local production of Cinderella," she said of her early career. "I had crazy red hair in a cone shape and lots of blue eye shadow. I had braces at the time, so whenever I smiled it was all red lipstick on my teeth, which was really attractive." Since then, between The Help, Crazy, Stupid, Love, and The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma has proven that she is a great actress, and everything that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be.

We love you too!
Emma has also excelled in her personal life, as she landed Andrew Garfield. They just make the best couple. They're both funny, attractive, and well-dressed. One of my favorite activities is to search them on tumblr. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. If they work really hard, they could be the next Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (although, I think E&A have a better chance at survival).

Emma is young, as is her career, so she still has a lot of bitching up to do. But I think she's doing an excellent job and I hope her status as a Bitch of the Week gives her the encouragement to continue doing what she does best!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?
It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Princess Peach

"Who, me?"
I'm not an avid video game player, but my game of choice is usually something in the Mario family. This comes despite the fact that the Super Mario series is responsible for creating one of the biggest cunts known to the gaming community: Princess Peach Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom. In case her name alone isn't enough to make you want to slap her, I'll delve into all the reasons why she is the perfect candidate for Cunt of the Week.

Yeah, she's good at ice
skating too.
For the majority of her early appearances, all Peach was good for was getting captured by Bowser so that a fat Italian plumber with a superiority complex could have something to do. At some point you have to wonder why she didn't hire more mushroom people to guard her ass. (Sidebar: Why the hell would Peach, who allegedly possesses legendary beauty and is royal as fuck, settle for Mario? At least go for Luigi, you dumb bitch!)

Eventually, Peach started partaking in the various activities that occur in the Mario games. Kart racing, tennis, seemingly random violence: she did it all, and usually annoyingly so, with an umbrella and a high-pitched voice that just makes you sick. What's frustrating about this is that she's actually good. At everything. We've all been there: you're innocently trying to enjoy the game, as Yoshi or whichever character tickles your fancy, and then Peach and her pink ass come out of fucking nowhere and beat you! You'd be lying if you said this hasn't happened to you. For someone who can't seem to defend herself against abduction, an occurrence so frequent that it's practically like Swiss clockwork, she sure has an disproportionately high aptness in various sports.

"Here, let me."
Much like former Cunt of the Week Minnie Mouse, Peach has a best friend named Daisy whom she treats like utter shit. Daisy is just trying to make her way in this world, but how can she when she's constantly compared to Peach? I mean, seriously. Why should Peach get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smooshed under her big feet? What's so great about Peach, hm? Daisy is just as cute as Peach. Daisy is just as smart as Peach. People totally like Daisy as much as they like Peach. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what the Mushroom Kingdom is about. We should totally just stab Peach! Anytime Daisy gets the slightest bit of attention, Peach hands herself over to Bowser so that the focus is once again on her.

It's clear that Peach's inability to remain unkidnapped, her unexplainable talent at everything, and her disgustingly high self esteem place her at the top of the cunt list. I hope that I've opened your eyes to her cunting ways. The next time you pick up a Wii controller, make it your goal to kick Peach's sorry toadstool.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Jam of the Week: "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding

This week's jam is "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding. Ellie is the latest British pop star making waves in the United States. She rose to fame with her song "Lights", which was playing EVERYWHERE this summer, forcing me to ask: (1) This song has been out forever, why is it just not getting popular? And (2) What the fuck is wrong with her voice? Indeed, good ole E.G. sounds like she's getting strangled after years of smoking four packs a day. But her voice is incredibly fascinating at the same time.

In fact, her voice is so enchanting, that "Anything Could Happen" sounds like a song that would play as you entered a magical world of fairies who all started singing a super catchy, albeit unintelligible, chorus of heavy breathing. The video is equally as interesting as in it doesn't make a lick of sense. Like so many pop stars these days who try so hard to be indie and artsy, Ellie attempts to make a sophisticated music video. I personally think my fairy land idea would've made a better plot line, but whatever.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Raven Baxter

Yup, that's me!
Today, Raven Baxter, the one and only teen psychic on Disney Channel, joins the prestigious ranks as Bitch of the Week; however, perhaps a more fitting title is Troll of the Week. We're all familiar with the incredibly formulaic plot of That's So Raven. Raven has a vision, grossly misreads it, and does her best to keep the vision from being fulfilled, usually with a wacky costume and in an elaborate and ill-fated plan. Pretty simple... Or is it? I personally think that Raven is the ultimate troll, getting off on nothing more than fucking shit up for everyone else. And that is positively bitchy.

What reason could Raven have for being such a troll? Well, let's see: (1) her friends were Eddie, a deadbeat pussy with anger issues, and Chelsea, who seemed to get dumber and prettier as the years progressed; (2) school bullies such as the Latina Cheetah Girl and Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century, relentlessly tormented her; (3) brother Corey was a selfish little bastard who constantly got her into trouble; (4) her parents clearly had an unstable marriage, as Tanya was literally never around and then moved to fucking London for the final season (like wtf.) So it's not at all unbelievable that Raven would be acting out, purposely screwing up the lives of those around her for her own amusement.

While there are 100 episodes worth of examples as to how great of a troll Raven was, I'll focus on some of the notable ones:

Remember the one where Raven has a vision Chelsea and Eddie are dating behind her back, but it turns out they're just salsa dancing and don't want her controlling ass to be a part of it? Like any bitch, Raven isn't about to become a third wheel. When C and E are prepping to make their ballroom debut at the Chill Grill talent show, Raven confronts them about sneaking behind her back. "I don't even wanna think about y'all's moves!" she shouts when Eddie tells her they'll be busting out their moves on stage. She continued to berate them: "My dad runs a clean respectable business, not having you and your nasty-" (Who knows where this would have gone had she not been cut off.) When Raven sensed there love brewing, she knew a potential Eddie/Chelsea hook-up would pull focus from her, so she acted on her bitchstincts, to which I say brava.

One of the most important and influential quotes of all time.
And do you recall the one where she goes camping with Chelsea and the school nature club? With a tent-in-a-tube, her trademark skunk boots, and some Fabreeze to combat the smell of nature, Raven does everything in her power to fuck things up for the band of mountain-dwelling hippies. A true friend supports their friends' interests, but true bitch will try and soil those interests if said interests are fucking gross, i.e. camping. There's no reason why she should have to like nature just because Chelsea does!

Lastly, who could forget the classic episode in which Raven dresses up as her mother for a parent-teacher conference? Raven knew her parents' marriage was on the rocks, and bitch absolutely hated Tanya's desperate attempts to remain hip and fun, so she did anything she could to drive her mother out of the house.

When Raven wasn't busy fucking things up on purpose, she was designing her own clothes and calling people nasty. Bitch knew just how to handle just about every situation. Trolling came as naturally to her as being black. Though the series ended shy of Raven's high school graduation, we can only imagine she's out there, somewhere in the real world, fucking shit up for an entirely new group of people. #OhSnap

Honorable mention for Bitch of the Week goes to the real-life Raven-Symoné, whose last name is Pearman (lol). Since That's So Raven ended, she hasn't done much except become a lesbian. (It's no wonder Raven Baxter could never hold on to her man for long!)

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Dorothy and Her Gang of Misfit Fuck-Ups

That's right, I'm talking to you fuckers!
The Wizard of Oz is heralded as a cinematic masterpiece, a timeless classic that has remained a fixture in American pop culture for over 70 years. While I enjoyed the film as a child, I now struggle to accept its indelibility for two reasons: (1) it's long and boring as fuck, and (2) Dorothy and her ragtag bunch of idiots are cunts, plain and simple.

The film opens with Kansas farm girl Dorothy Gale pissing off her neighbor and singing about wanting a better life. No fucking shit. It's 1939. You're in the middle of the Great fucking Depression. Obviously you want a better life. Who doesn't? Instead of singing in a barn, why don't you get off your pigtailed ass and help out around the farm so the bank doesn't foreclose the hell out of you!

"Work? Yeah, right!" Dorothy replies. Then she runs away in the middle of a damn tornado and tries to go to Europe with a pedophile posing as a fortune teller on the side of the road! Eventually, she makes her way back home, and what do you think happens? She gets hit in the head and dreams that the tornado transports her, her dog Toto, and her house to a magical land called Oz. At this point, I'm ready to slap a bitch!

This is far scarier than any horror film.
Dorothy's first encounter in the Land of Oz is with the Munchkins. Anybody who has the ability to dream up these creepy ass little people has to be one sick cunt. Honestly, what kind of mind would conjure up such a disturbing species that lives in giant flowers and sings while wearing mismatched patterns and colors? Anyway, after killing one witch and robbing another, Dorothy embarks on a journey to the Emerald City, where she plans to enlist the help of the Wizard of Oz in returning to Kansas. She does so by following the Yellow Brick Road... Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road. She says it about 18,000 more times, in case the directions don't sink in the first few times.

Along the way, she meets the biggest group of losers you can imagine: a dumb-as-shit scarecrow, an in-the-closet tinman, and a creepy man-lion hybrid. They all decide that this great wizard can bestow upon them a brain, a heart, and courage, respectively. Honestly, they were all perfectly fine, living their lives without complaint, until Dorothy came cunting in and her greediness rubbed off on them. Now they're all demanding shit! And seriously, do they all have to sing the same song and dance around like buffoons? It's like, okay, we get it! Just get on with it already. If you're at all like me, at this point in the film, you are so far over it that you're hoping the Wicked Bitch of the West comes in and annihilates all their asses.

Anyway, after Dorothy perfects her high-pitched yelp and the Tinman rusts another seven times, they finally reach the Emerald City's gates. I cannot tell you how fucking fed up I was with this pathetic band of morons when they took six hours to read, aloud and in unison, "Bell out of order. Please knock." I know the Scarecrow is a bit slow on the uptake, but do they ALL have to be so fucking dim?!

The answer is yes, because they spend the rest of the film being incompetent as all fuck. When they finally get to see the Wizard, Dorothy squeals, "I'll be home before supper!" BITCH. That better not be your only objective. I did not watch you skip around like a jackass for an hour and a half just because you didn't want to miss out on Auntie Em's shitty porridge.

Soon after, they're sent to kill the Wicked Witch and retrieve her broomstick; only then will the Wizard grant their wishes. On their way, however, they're attacked by a fleet of flying monkeys. The severity of these creatures' creepiness almost rivals that of the munchkins; once again, one must wonder what kind of sick shit Dorothy was up to if this is where her mind goes. One must also question how four full-grown individuals, one of which is a lion and another has an axe, are overtaken by three-foot-tall monkeys? Fucking hell.

What ensues is a bunch of fuckery before Dorothy finally (and famously) melts the Wicked Witch, bringing her total murder track record up to two. Then the gang discovers (again, famously so) that the Wizard is nothing more than a creepy old dude behind a curtain. (That's some pretty tight security.) Then she clicks her heels together three times and this happens:

I bet Dorothy's no stranger to having men come in
through her windows. That cunt.
The best thing about the end of the film is the fact that it was over and there was no sequel. (Not an official one, anyway.) While it's nice to known that 3 out of our 4 cunts were just a product of Dorothy's schizophrenia, it's discomforting that Dorothy probably spent the rest of her life cunting it up like no other.

The Wizard of Oz is a classic and will forever be known as the first colored film and the movie that launched pill-popper Judy Garland into stardom. However, there's no denying that, in its very essence, the story is one of four cunts who will never be satisfied with what they have. I would use the age-old "the grass is always greener" analogy, but it doesn't seem appropriate, as Kansas be gray as fuck! I challenge you to rewatch this film and not say to yourself, "Oh god, what a bunch of cunts!"

Monday, November 5, 2012

Jam of the Week: "Ride" by Lana Del Rey

I've never been so enthralled with a musician as I am with Lana Del Rey. Her music is cinematic, modern, and otherworldly all at the same time. I can't decide if I love her or just love to hate her. Regardless of the reason behind it, her music is fascinating. While it does get a little repetitive, and her vintage fashion doll "love-or-die" persona sets back the women's rights movement a decade or two, there's no denying that she's released a few jams.

In her latest effort, "Ride", Lana sticks to what she knows best: singing about a hard life she didn't actually experience. You see, Lana (whose real name is Elizabeth Grant) likes to pretend that she lived in 1960s America and traveled through the country looking for a man to complete her broke ass. In actuality, she spent her childhood on the Upper East Side and became an alcoholic at the ripe age of 14. I bet she was one of the glamorous alcoholics, too, not the whiny, trashy, or violent ones.

With lyrics such as "I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy," Lana knows just how to touch the souls of each of her 11 fans. "Ride" is classic Lana and, above all else, a jam (albeit a slow one at that.) If you're interested in just the song, use the video above. However, if you truly want to see what this cray bitch is all about, I suggest you watch the music video below. At 10 minutes, it's a bit long, but well worth it! You get to watch her whore herself out on a pinball machine. No, but really, it's artistic. I promise!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tips for the Casual Insomniac

Every night, tbh.

 If you're like me, sleeping comes as easily as a tolerance for Zooey Deschanel. I've spent many a night laying awake, usually without purpose, hoping that my insomnia would somehow magically cure itself. But nay; I would always remain wide awake. In this regard, I was not at all unlike a Katy Perry song.

Over the years, I have developed a series of methods designed to help one get a good night's rest. So, come hither, fellow insomniacs!

1. Pretend your famous. While planning my inevitable future as a beloved public figure and television personality consumes my everyday life, it's also what puts me to sleep. I can't count the number of times I imagined myself giving an interview on the Today show. What kinds of questions would they ask me? How would I answer? It's too much fun to think about, and even though it's fascinating beyond belief, it does help me sleep. I encourage you to do the same. (For some of you, it'll take some extra creativity to imagine why you'd ever be famous. Just sayin'!)

2. Text a friend. Ask him or her about their lives, their hopes and dreams for the future. That oughta put you out!

3. Download the Britney Spears lullaby album. Even though I have yet to find a time of day during which listening to Britney Spears is a bad idea, her parade of pure and utter jams will only inspire you to live life, not rock you to sleep. So what's the next best thing? Well, there's an album containing lullaby versions of Britney Spears songs courtesy Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star! That's right. Downloaded it last night. No regrets. Although it didn't put me to sleep; I was too busy singing along that I forgot I was tired. Still, it's worth a try! And if Britney doesn't do it for you, then (1) you're an abomination to the human race, and (2) Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star has innumerable lullaby albums dedicated to a wide range of artists, such as Maroon 5, Adele, and even legendary cunt Taylor Swift.

4. Plot the downfall of a nemesis. If you're at all like me, enemies are a dime a dozen. There's no shortage of people to channel your unwanted nighttime energy toward. If you're going to be awake, you might as well be productive and ensure that your daylight hours are free from the various fuckers who taint your everyday life.

5. Don't be addicted to caffeine. A lot of my insomnia could probably be cured if I didn't intake so much caffeine. Starbucks runs at 9pm? Yeah, not a good idea.

If these fool-proof suggestions don't help you regulate your sleeping schedule, then you are absolutely fucked. Best of luck to you. Everyone else, you're welcome.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf

Portrait of a bitch.
If you've ever watched Gossip Girl, you know that the Upper East Side is rule solely by one bitch: Blair Waldorf. The character, who is brought to life by none other than Leighton Meester, is all about remaining top bitch in the inner circle of Manhattan's most privileged young adults, making her the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week.

So why is Blair a total bitch?

A true bitch always admits it.
Let's see. Blair begins the show as the queen bee of the uber-exclusive private high school Constance. (Literally, her nickname is Queen B.) She's all about eating froyo, wearing headbands, and bossing around her maid Dorota and a group of mindless hoes, whom she unaffectionately calls her minions. Unfortunately, B plays second fiddle to Blake Lively's Serena Van Der Woodsen, at least initially. You see, after being a whore and coke addict, Serena returns from a year of boarding school and attempts to recapture her place in the social hierarchy of the Upper East Side. But Blair is having none of that, because while Serena gets everything handed to her on a fucking platter and breezes through life without consequence, Blair actually has to work for what she gets. (It's mostly due to the fact that she is a professional bitch and the plebeians don't get it, so she has to try extra hard.) With Serena out of the picture, Blair was allowed to shine like the flourishing bitch that she is.

This leads us to another reason why Blair is the perfect bitch. She has the art of frenemyship down to a tee. I can't count the number of times she and Serena have had a falling out, but their incessant arguing has always been a strong point in the series. Since Season 2 onwards, Blair has supplanted Serena as the lead character of the series. And rightfully so! Watching Serena's scenes is like waiting for the whiteout on your paper to dry. (Remember whiteout? Such a flop.) Unlike S, Blair has real problems, like the fact that she's bulimic, her mother hates her, and her father left them for a male model.

Think like a bitch, talk like a bitch.
Walk like a bitch.
My next point brings us to Blair's fabulous lifestyle. While her relationship with Chuck Bass is arguably the heart of the show, Blair is the only girl in the cast to have dated all three leading male characters; the Blair/Nate/Serena and Dan/Blair/Chuck love triangles have been the source of some of the show's best storylines. But between all those Park Avenue princes, Blair also managed to date a royal or two. In fact, she was briefly the Princess of Monaco. What else can you expect from a girl who actively attempts to live like Grace Kelly and has dreams of living in Audrey Hepburn movies? Unfortunately, she doesn't retain her royal title for long. She (or, rather Chuck) pays a hefty fortune to get out of her two-month marriage to Prince Louis. But she gets a hell of a lot of media attention for doing so! #TotalKardashianMove

Blair has had countless feuds over the years and has banished her enemy from Manhattan on more than one occassion. And they actually listen! (You don't see Taylor Momsen running around, do you?) Only a true bitch could get away from taking full ownership of one of the most populated cities in America. To further illustrate Blair's incomparable bitchiness, here are a few fun quotes:
  • "I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
  • "Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here."
  • "Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut."
  • "You know, I always knew you were a whore. But I never thought you were a liar."
  • "Signs are for the religious, the superstitous, and the lower class."
Like the show itself, Blair has fallen by the wayside. She has become weak and a tad bit whiny. However, there's no arguing that she embodies everything a bitch should be. Well done, B. Gossip Girl herself would be proud!