Friday, November 2, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf

Portrait of a bitch.
If you've ever watched Gossip Girl, you know that the Upper East Side is rule solely by one bitch: Blair Waldorf. The character, who is brought to life by none other than Leighton Meester, is all about remaining top bitch in the inner circle of Manhattan's most privileged young adults, making her the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week.

So why is Blair a total bitch?

A true bitch always admits it.
Let's see. Blair begins the show as the queen bee of the uber-exclusive private high school Constance. (Literally, her nickname is Queen B.) She's all about eating froyo, wearing headbands, and bossing around her maid Dorota and a group of mindless hoes, whom she unaffectionately calls her minions. Unfortunately, B plays second fiddle to Blake Lively's Serena Van Der Woodsen, at least initially. You see, after being a whore and coke addict, Serena returns from a year of boarding school and attempts to recapture her place in the social hierarchy of the Upper East Side. But Blair is having none of that, because while Serena gets everything handed to her on a fucking platter and breezes through life without consequence, Blair actually has to work for what she gets. (It's mostly due to the fact that she is a professional bitch and the plebeians don't get it, so she has to try extra hard.) With Serena out of the picture, Blair was allowed to shine like the flourishing bitch that she is.

This leads us to another reason why Blair is the perfect bitch. She has the art of frenemyship down to a tee. I can't count the number of times she and Serena have had a falling out, but their incessant arguing has always been a strong point in the series. Since Season 2 onwards, Blair has supplanted Serena as the lead character of the series. And rightfully so! Watching Serena's scenes is like waiting for the whiteout on your paper to dry. (Remember whiteout? Such a flop.) Unlike S, Blair has real problems, like the fact that she's bulimic, her mother hates her, and her father left them for a male model.

Think like a bitch, talk like a bitch.
Walk like a bitch.
My next point brings us to Blair's fabulous lifestyle. While her relationship with Chuck Bass is arguably the heart of the show, Blair is the only girl in the cast to have dated all three leading male characters; the Blair/Nate/Serena and Dan/Blair/Chuck love triangles have been the source of some of the show's best storylines. But between all those Park Avenue princes, Blair also managed to date a royal or two. In fact, she was briefly the Princess of Monaco. What else can you expect from a girl who actively attempts to live like Grace Kelly and has dreams of living in Audrey Hepburn movies? Unfortunately, she doesn't retain her royal title for long. She (or, rather Chuck) pays a hefty fortune to get out of her two-month marriage to Prince Louis. But she gets a hell of a lot of media attention for doing so! #TotalKardashianMove

Blair has had countless feuds over the years and has banished her enemy from Manhattan on more than one occassion. And they actually listen! (You don't see Taylor Momsen running around, do you?) Only a true bitch could get away from taking full ownership of one of the most populated cities in America. To further illustrate Blair's incomparable bitchiness, here are a few fun quotes:
  • "I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
  • "Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here."
  • "Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut."
  • "You know, I always knew you were a whore. But I never thought you were a liar."
  • "Signs are for the religious, the superstitous, and the lower class."
Like the show itself, Blair has fallen by the wayside. She has become weak and a tad bit whiny. However, there's no arguing that she embodies everything a bitch should be. Well done, B. Gossip Girl herself would be proud!


annieveliina said...

Great writing! 100% true! Blair is a total bitch but I do still love her.

Itsmikaylahun said...

Blair is a total betch im like mad proud of her.well even though she has kind of sort weakened its sad really. check me iv just done an article that includes her FemaleBetchPersonalities i bow to:Television edition 1----Blair is on #1