Friday, November 9, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Raven Baxter

Yup, that's me!
Today, Raven Baxter, the one and only teen psychic on Disney Channel, joins the prestigious ranks as Bitch of the Week; however, perhaps a more fitting title is Troll of the Week. We're all familiar with the incredibly formulaic plot of That's So Raven. Raven has a vision, grossly misreads it, and does her best to keep the vision from being fulfilled, usually with a wacky costume and in an elaborate and ill-fated plan. Pretty simple... Or is it? I personally think that Raven is the ultimate troll, getting off on nothing more than fucking shit up for everyone else. And that is positively bitchy.

What reason could Raven have for being such a troll? Well, let's see: (1) her friends were Eddie, a deadbeat pussy with anger issues, and Chelsea, who seemed to get dumber and prettier as the years progressed; (2) school bullies such as the Latina Cheetah Girl and Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century, relentlessly tormented her; (3) brother Corey was a selfish little bastard who constantly got her into trouble; (4) her parents clearly had an unstable marriage, as Tanya was literally never around and then moved to fucking London for the final season (like wtf.) So it's not at all unbelievable that Raven would be acting out, purposely screwing up the lives of those around her for her own amusement.

While there are 100 episodes worth of examples as to how great of a troll Raven was, I'll focus on some of the notable ones:

Remember the one where Raven has a vision Chelsea and Eddie are dating behind her back, but it turns out they're just salsa dancing and don't want her controlling ass to be a part of it? Like any bitch, Raven isn't about to become a third wheel. When C and E are prepping to make their ballroom debut at the Chill Grill talent show, Raven confronts them about sneaking behind her back. "I don't even wanna think about y'all's moves!" she shouts when Eddie tells her they'll be busting out their moves on stage. She continued to berate them: "My dad runs a clean respectable business, not having you and your nasty-" (Who knows where this would have gone had she not been cut off.) When Raven sensed there love brewing, she knew a potential Eddie/Chelsea hook-up would pull focus from her, so she acted on her bitchstincts, to which I say brava.

One of the most important and influential quotes of all time.
And do you recall the one where she goes camping with Chelsea and the school nature club? With a tent-in-a-tube, her trademark skunk boots, and some Fabreeze to combat the smell of nature, Raven does everything in her power to fuck things up for the band of mountain-dwelling hippies. A true friend supports their friends' interests, but true bitch will try and soil those interests if said interests are fucking gross, i.e. camping. There's no reason why she should have to like nature just because Chelsea does!

Lastly, who could forget the classic episode in which Raven dresses up as her mother for a parent-teacher conference? Raven knew her parents' marriage was on the rocks, and bitch absolutely hated Tanya's desperate attempts to remain hip and fun, so she did anything she could to drive her mother out of the house.

When Raven wasn't busy fucking things up on purpose, she was designing her own clothes and calling people nasty. Bitch knew just how to handle just about every situation. Trolling came as naturally to her as being black. Though the series ended shy of Raven's high school graduation, we can only imagine she's out there, somewhere in the real world, fucking shit up for an entirely new group of people. #OhSnap

Honorable mention for Bitch of the Week goes to the real-life Raven-Symoné, whose last name is Pearman (lol). Since That's So Raven ended, she hasn't done much except become a lesbian. (It's no wonder Raven Baxter could never hold on to her man for long!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

regarding her parents' marital problems: so true!
disney should have had a show that faced the problems of divorce head on - having raven be a child of divorce and still maintain her sassy lifestyle could have helped so many children in need of role models!