Friday, November 23, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez

If I were her, I'd throw slushies at
people too.
Glee has no shortage of bitches. From cruel coach Sue Sylvester to the selfish and vain Quinn Fabray, you can't throw a rock out a damn window at McKinley High without hitting a tried and true bitch. However, the bitchiest bitch of them all, and therefore the best one suited for Bitch of the Week, is Santana Lopez.

Santana is about as ghettoliciously bitchy as it gets. She explained her upbringing beautifully: "I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face." Perhaps one day I'll write a dissertation on how bitchiness is hereditary, but for now, this will do.

In the beginning of the series, Santana was a bitchy cheerleader who, alongside Coach Sue, Quinn, and Brittany, plots to take down the glee club. But just because she was part of a four-woman conspiracy doesn't mean Santana didn't have her own agenda. The audience got their first taste of true bitch when Santana stole Puck from Quinn after some steaming sexting. ("Sexting?" Quinn asked. "Sexy texting!" Santana explained. "Seriously, what era are you from?")

Eventually, it came time to destroy the relationship between the glee co-captains, innocent but self-absorbed Rachel and dim-witted Finn, because if their romance crumbled, so would the entire club. Taking a page from the ultimate bitch's handbook, Santana decided to seduce Finn. "Everything about you screams 'virgin,'" she tells him. "You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you." When Santana wasn't busy plotting, she was keeping up with her daily bitchery, usually by harassing Rachel about her wardrobe and calling her Yentl, dwarf, midget, or whatever other fun nickname popped into her head. #inspiration

A Bitch and a Blonde.
As the series progressed, Santana was truly a bitch in heat, unable to remain celibate for long. She and Brittany embarked on a fling, and although Brittany wanted something more, Santana was in it purely for the sex. "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food."

However, it wasn't until the writers began peeling back the many layers of Santana when I finally truly understood her and related to her. In a second season episode, she confessed: "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it." THANK YOU. Omg, welcome to the club! It's not our fault people can't handle the truth! Santana's allegiance to the truth can best be summed up in her quote from the episode "Born This Way":
Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.
Sorry haters can't handle her spilling some mad truth tea, okay!

Shit gets real when Santana starts coming to terms with her feelings for Brittany. "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." #holler While the two enjoy a steady relationship, Santana never let her personal happiness eclipse her responsibility of destroying the happiness of those around her.

As with most things Glee-related, Santana isn't as fun as she used to be. Hell, now that she's in college, she's barely on the show! But she will forever remain one of the bitchiest TV characters of all time. Love her!

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