Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Amanda Bynes, Because It Was Only a Matter of Time

"Thaaaaat's me!"
If you're feeling down this holiday season, I suggest a healthy dosage of Cunt of the Week to ease your troubles, because this week's cunt is the most ridiculous person I've ever heard of.

Remember when Amanda Bynes was the shit? She was like Hilary Duff, but the Nickelodeon version. She was part of the bitchin' original cast of All That, headlined her own self-titled variety show, and showed her stuff in films like Big Fat Liar, She's the Man, and Hairspray. Well, as it turns out, like so many lovely ladies on our television screen, Amanda is a total cunt. Her cuntitude can best be conveyed in a timeline.

2002 - 2006: Amanda follows up her teenage success with a show called What I Like About You. For four years, Amanda reportedly had a huge ego, slutted in up like no other, and constantly antagonized her co-star Jennie Garth. Oh Mandy. Putting yourself in direct conflict with a former Bitch of the Week practically seals your fate as a cunt.

June 2010: Amanda announces that she's retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24. "Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem," she tweeted. "If I don’t love something anymore, I stop doing it. I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it." AKA she can't find work and gives up. That is, until...

July 2010: Amanda declares that she's "unretired" only a month after calling it quits. Eyebrows were raised - oh, were they raised - but if anything, she just comes off as reckless and immature.

September 2010: Easy A, Amanda's final pre-retirement project, hits theaters. Although it's funny as fuck, Amanda has an inexplicable case of chipmunk cheeks. Wtf?

March 8, 2012: A police officer pulls Amanda over for talking on her cell phone while driving. He goes to his squad car to write the ticket, but the actress flees the scene before he can give it to her. Showing some semblance of responsibility, she picks up her citation at the police station later in the day.

April 6, 2012: Amanda is arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood after crashing into a police car. She refuses to let authorities take a blood test and later goes on to publicly claim that she was not drinking. Millions of 90s children lose their role model.

Literally, within 24 hours of being arrested, Amanda goes clubbing again, but is denied entry into The Stanford club because of her arrest.

April 10, 2012: Amanda is allegedly involved in a hit-and-run after swiping another car on the 101, fleeing the scene, and blowing through a red light.

She's probably scheduling a hair appointment. I would if
that was my hair.
April 12, 2012: Photographers catch Amanda texting while driving. And then she backs her car up a sidewalk. (Picture to the right.)

April 15, 2012: Amanda decides to hold up traffic on a busy West Hollywood street while attempting to make a 3-point turn. This is after she forgets to pay a valet earlier in the day.

May 4, 2012: A fucking police helicopter chases Amanda's ass after she allegedly committed a hit-and-run. When she is finally pulled over, she swears to the police that she didn't realize she had hit another car.

June 6, 2012: Shortly after being officially charged for her DUI, Amanda tweets President Obama and asks him to fire the cop that arrested her. Okay now. That is some Lindsay Lohan-level cray.

August 4, 2012: After a relatively quiet summer, Amanda hits yet another car and then flees the scene once she realizes she would have to exchange information with the victim. In her defense, this is the first car accident she doesn't run away from right away, so she probably doesn't know the proper protocol!

August 20, 2012: Amanda gets rear-ended. At least it's not her fault this time.

September 9, 2012: The roads of LA are safe once again, as Amanda's license is suspended because she can't drive for shit.

The same exact day her license is suspended, Amanda is pulled over for driving... with a suspended license... at night with no headlights.

At least she wore her glasses!
September 13, 2012: Paparazzi trail Amanda for hours as she drives with a suspended license and repeatedly takes pot hits from a pipe. (Picture to the left.)

That same night, Amanda whips up her special, which is getting into another car accident.

September 14, 2012: Amanda gets into another fucking car accident. She was driving with a suspended license. With a scarf around her head.

September 16, 2012: Amanda is pulled over for driving aimlessly around Burbank Airport, ticketed for driving with a suspended license, and her car is impounded.

September 17, 2012: Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda for being a total fuck-up. Wow... If Lindsay Lohan, who is probably the co-founder of the ALC (American League of Cunts) thinks you're even worse off than she is, you are absolutely fucked.

Meanwhile, Amanda shops at a West Hollywood clothing store and locks herself in a dressing room for almost two hours. When she finally emerges, she purchases several items, including a bathing suit she forgets she's wearing underneath her clothes. She then proceeds to sit in a Starbucks by herself for an additional three hours. Clearly, she had a lot to do that day.

September 18, 2012: Amanda decides that she doesn't want a single day to go by without her fucking something up, so she goes to a gym and partakes in a 50-minute spinning class. Eventually, she gets bored and starts wandering around the room aimlessly. And then she takes off her shirt, revealing a black lace bra, not a sports bra. And then she leaves to reapply her make-up for 10 minutes, at which point the instructor throws her sorry ass out.

September 19, 2012: Amanda insists, "I'm doing amazing" before saying that she's retired from acting again, plans to launch a fashion design, and then claiming that she doesn't drink. Ah, hellz naw!

September 21, 2012: After multiple attempts to reach out to their client, Amanda's manager, agent, and publicist all drop her. It's sad when even the people who get paid to keep celebrity's lives together don't even want to deal with her.

September 24, 2012: Amanda is spotted in New York City, taking her cuntitude coast-to-coast. She tells friends that her impromptu trip is so she can "be alone"... in one of the most populated cities in the country.

September 26, 2012: Still fucking shit up in the Big Apple, Amanda strikes again and locks herself in the bathroom of a cupcake shop. After 30 minutes, the employees and patrons grow concerned and start checking on her, but she doesn't reply. They call the police, who arrive 15 minutes to break down the door. Amanda then said, "Excuse me. I was doing my make-up." UMM...

Thankfully, Amanda's most recent issues have been within the confides of a courthouse. And that's not as fun as her getting into a car accident every day, so I'm not going to write about it. My point is, if you're feeling blue or just looking for a reason to be thankful, just be glad you ain't this bitch!

Penelope Taint is most certainly not be Amanda's number-one fan anymore, please.

No comments: