Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Dorothy and Her Gang of Misfit Fuck-Ups

That's right, I'm talking to you fuckers!
The Wizard of Oz is heralded as a cinematic masterpiece, a timeless classic that has remained a fixture in American pop culture for over 70 years. While I enjoyed the film as a child, I now struggle to accept its indelibility for two reasons: (1) it's long and boring as fuck, and (2) Dorothy and her ragtag bunch of idiots are cunts, plain and simple.

The film opens with Kansas farm girl Dorothy Gale pissing off her neighbor and singing about wanting a better life. No fucking shit. It's 1939. You're in the middle of the Great fucking Depression. Obviously you want a better life. Who doesn't? Instead of singing in a barn, why don't you get off your pigtailed ass and help out around the farm so the bank doesn't foreclose the hell out of you!

"Work? Yeah, right!" Dorothy replies. Then she runs away in the middle of a damn tornado and tries to go to Europe with a pedophile posing as a fortune teller on the side of the road! Eventually, she makes her way back home, and what do you think happens? She gets hit in the head and dreams that the tornado transports her, her dog Toto, and her house to a magical land called Oz. At this point, I'm ready to slap a bitch!

This is far scarier than any horror film.
Dorothy's first encounter in the Land of Oz is with the Munchkins. Anybody who has the ability to dream up these creepy ass little people has to be one sick cunt. Honestly, what kind of mind would conjure up such a disturbing species that lives in giant flowers and sings while wearing mismatched patterns and colors? Anyway, after killing one witch and robbing another, Dorothy embarks on a journey to the Emerald City, where she plans to enlist the help of the Wizard of Oz in returning to Kansas. She does so by following the Yellow Brick Road... Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road. She says it about 18,000 more times, in case the directions don't sink in the first few times.

Along the way, she meets the biggest group of losers you can imagine: a dumb-as-shit scarecrow, an in-the-closet tinman, and a creepy man-lion hybrid. They all decide that this great wizard can bestow upon them a brain, a heart, and courage, respectively. Honestly, they were all perfectly fine, living their lives without complaint, until Dorothy came cunting in and her greediness rubbed off on them. Now they're all demanding shit! And seriously, do they all have to sing the same song and dance around like buffoons? It's like, okay, we get it! Just get on with it already. If you're at all like me, at this point in the film, you are so far over it that you're hoping the Wicked Bitch of the West comes in and annihilates all their asses.

Anyway, after Dorothy perfects her high-pitched yelp and the Tinman rusts another seven times, they finally reach the Emerald City's gates. I cannot tell you how fucking fed up I was with this pathetic band of morons when they took six hours to read, aloud and in unison, "Bell out of order. Please knock." I know the Scarecrow is a bit slow on the uptake, but do they ALL have to be so fucking dim?!

The answer is yes, because they spend the rest of the film being incompetent as all fuck. When they finally get to see the Wizard, Dorothy squeals, "I'll be home before supper!" BITCH. That better not be your only objective. I did not watch you skip around like a jackass for an hour and a half just because you didn't want to miss out on Auntie Em's shitty porridge.

Soon after, they're sent to kill the Wicked Witch and retrieve her broomstick; only then will the Wizard grant their wishes. On their way, however, they're attacked by a fleet of flying monkeys. The severity of these creatures' creepiness almost rivals that of the munchkins; once again, one must wonder what kind of sick shit Dorothy was up to if this is where her mind goes. One must also question how four full-grown individuals, one of which is a lion and another has an axe, are overtaken by three-foot-tall monkeys? Fucking hell.

What ensues is a bunch of fuckery before Dorothy finally (and famously) melts the Wicked Witch, bringing her total murder track record up to two. Then the gang discovers (again, famously so) that the Wizard is nothing more than a creepy old dude behind a curtain. (That's some pretty tight security.) Then she clicks her heels together three times and this happens:

I bet Dorothy's no stranger to having men come in
through her windows. That cunt.
The best thing about the end of the film is the fact that it was over and there was no sequel. (Not an official one, anyway.) While it's nice to known that 3 out of our 4 cunts were just a product of Dorothy's schizophrenia, it's discomforting that Dorothy probably spent the rest of her life cunting it up like no other.

The Wizard of Oz is a classic and will forever be known as the first colored film and the movie that launched pill-popper Judy Garland into stardom. However, there's no denying that, in its very essence, the story is one of four cunts who will never be satisfied with what they have. I would use the age-old "the grass is always greener" analogy, but it doesn't seem appropriate, as Kansas be gray as fuck! I challenge you to rewatch this film and not say to yourself, "Oh god, what a bunch of cunts!"

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