Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Princess Peach

"Who, me?"
I'm not an avid video game player, but my game of choice is usually something in the Mario family. This comes despite the fact that the Super Mario series is responsible for creating one of the biggest cunts known to the gaming community: Princess Peach Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom. In case her name alone isn't enough to make you want to slap her, I'll delve into all the reasons why she is the perfect candidate for Cunt of the Week.

Yeah, she's good at ice
skating too.
For the majority of her early appearances, all Peach was good for was getting captured by Bowser so that a fat Italian plumber with a superiority complex could have something to do. At some point you have to wonder why she didn't hire more mushroom people to guard her ass. (Sidebar: Why the hell would Peach, who allegedly possesses legendary beauty and is royal as fuck, settle for Mario? At least go for Luigi, you dumb bitch!)

Eventually, Peach started partaking in the various activities that occur in the Mario games. Kart racing, tennis, seemingly random violence: she did it all, and usually annoyingly so, with an umbrella and a high-pitched voice that just makes you sick. What's frustrating about this is that she's actually good. At everything. We've all been there: you're innocently trying to enjoy the game, as Yoshi or whichever character tickles your fancy, and then Peach and her pink ass come out of fucking nowhere and beat you! You'd be lying if you said this hasn't happened to you. For someone who can't seem to defend herself against abduction, an occurrence so frequent that it's practically like Swiss clockwork, she sure has an disproportionately high aptness in various sports.

"Here, let me."
#TotalCuntMove
Much like former Cunt of the Week Minnie Mouse, Peach has a best friend named Daisy whom she treats like utter shit. Daisy is just trying to make her way in this world, but how can she when she's constantly compared to Peach? I mean, seriously. Why should Peach get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smooshed under her big feet? What's so great about Peach, hm? Daisy is just as cute as Peach. Daisy is just as smart as Peach. People totally like Daisy as much as they like Peach. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what the Mushroom Kingdom is about. We should totally just stab Peach! Anytime Daisy gets the slightest bit of attention, Peach hands herself over to Bowser so that the focus is once again on her.

It's clear that Peach's inability to remain unkidnapped, her unexplainable talent at everything, and her disgustingly high self esteem place her at the top of the cunt list. I hope that I've opened your eyes to her cunting ways. The next time you pick up a Wii controller, make it your goal to kick Peach's sorry toadstool.

2 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

first of all, the peach/daisy + mean girls comparison: brilliant.

secondly, I totally understand what you're talking about with regards to peach's role in the mario games. I love me some mario brothers video games, but it always disgusted me that the entire premise was saving peach -- I'm really glad to know that this is another reason to add to the enormous list of why we're friends.

Taylor Tanton said...

Daisy is pretty cunty herself