Thursday, November 15, 2012

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?
It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

10. "Double Dutch Bus" by Raven-Symoné
Fe Fi Fo Fum! Well I'll be done, here Raven comes! It's unclear to me if Raven's singing career actually ever existed, or if she was self-financing various music videos a la Rebecca Black and paying for ad space on Disney Channel to air them to millions of children around the country. Regardless of the legitimacy of her singing career, there's no denying that her cover of "Double Dutch Bus" isn't a jam. With lyrics such as "Wizzo izzay izzle in da double dizutch," you just know that you're taking a bus ride straight to audio heaven.

9. "Naturally" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Remember when Selena Gomez was like, "I'm gonna have a music career but I'm not gonna be a solo artist. I'm gonna have a band because that makes it legit, unlike this Miley Cyrus bullshit"? Well, I'm paraphrasing, but the point is she made a big deal about not being a solo artist... So she proceeded to hire four (Five? Three? I don't even know) guys to literally do nothing. They don't write any songs and, given that Selena's jams are mostly synthetic dance songs, they probably don't even play instruments. No matter how screwed-up the formula is, it produced "Naturally", which launched Selena's music career and, three years later, has proven that it will NEVER get old. The music video leaves much to be desired, but the song more than makes up for it.

8. "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Despite her rather unfortunate career and hair-related decisions recently, Miley Cyrus is the pinnacle of Disney Channel stardom. Remember when she was basically running this shit like a club? Well, it all comes back to "See You Again". In 2007, after a year of Hannah Montana caca, Miley decided it was time to ditch the blonde wig and embark on musical journey all her own. The fact that this song was Miley's (14 at the time) first non-HM song should have been an indication of the salvia-smoking slut she would eventually blossom into. It's mature, but not explicitly inappropriate. Miley knew what was up! "See You Again" also gave birth to the beloved phrase, "She's just being Miley!" And indeed she is just being Miley. Indeed she is.

7. "Say OK" by Vanessa Hugens
Back when she still insisted on using her middle name, Vanessa Anne Hudgens was high on her High School Musical fame. Everyone wanted to sign her and her co-stars to record deals, and she knew she had to strike while the iron's hot. The result? "Say OK", a wonderful jam about being whiney and constantly needing reassurance and validation from a lover. (I'm assuming it's autobiographical.) The music video is just as much a treat as the song, as it acted as the "coming out" of Vanessa and Zac Efron as a couple. #RIPZanessa

6. "Send It On" by Disney's Friends for Change
Disney must have been feeling pretty bad about their ecological footprint, because in 2009, they gathered their biggest stars to sing about how we need to take better care of our planet. The theme of "Send It On" is buried in some weird message about shining lights. Nevertheless, it was the first and only time Miley, Selena, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers all collaborated on a song. (They were collectively billed as Disney's Friends for Change, which is just gross.) It's so deliciously wonderful to watch Miley play nice with Selena and Demi, as it was common knowledge at the time that they didn't get along. Equally as entertaining is how the stars are paired off: former lovers Miley and Nick, future lovers Demi and Joe, and then Selena and Kevin, the ones who can't sing.

5. "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato
If anyone is the exception to the Disney mold, it's Demi Lovato. Not only does she have actual raw talent, but bitch is intense! She went to rehab for being an addict and all-around hot mess (more on that for her inevitable Cunt of the Week post). I have all of Demi's albums, as is the case with most of the people on this list, and I fell in love with "Give Your Heart a Break" when Unbroken came out over a year ago. Basically, I liked it before it was popular. #Hipsterology

4. "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale
Similar to her High School Musical homegirl, Ashley Tisdale wasted no time milking the opportunities the movie's success afforded her. However, since she didn't sign with Disney's label Hollywood Records, she was allowed to be as big a slut as she wanted. In "He Said She Said", Ashley comes off as a Britney wannabe, but she makes it work. (It was so naughty, in fact, that she had to come out with a clean version so she could get airplay on the all-too-powerful Radio Disney.) The song is a lovely blend of Ashley rapping, "singing," and then cooing like a baby. Love it!

3. "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff
Let's be honest: my best friend Hilary Duff has released many a jam over the years and it was hard to narrow it down to just one for this list. I selected "So Yesterday" because it says so much about life. "If it's over, let it go" is, like, the best advice. So while the song may not tell us what dreams are made of, encourage us to take a crazy chance, or rally us to wake up on a Saturday night, it certainly holds its own as an insatiable HilDuff jam. Also, just try not to enjoy the music video.

2. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Making their second appearance on the list, Selena Gomez (and the Scene, I guess) proves that when the topic of love has been exhausted in innumerable songs, the best solution is to write a song about it. "Love You Like a Love Song" is pretty much one of the best songs ever written so when you're done being pressed as fuck, you can enjoy the music video. It's really fun!

1. "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
As if there was any doubt that this would be the top song! "Party in the U.S.A." is probably what was playing in God's head when he made the human race, because this song is the epitome of life. It's catchy, talks about cardigans, and even has a Britney reference. The best part of the song is its patriotic message. Yeah, it is a party in the U.S.A. Though my several attempts to get the song inducted as our country's national anthem have flopped, I will not rest until children all across this merry land are saluting the majestic flag, all decked in red, white, and blue, while singing, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town."


Madeleine Wills said...

excuuuuse me? Naturally at number 9?! you best be joking.

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding?! What about Aly& Aj?