Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tips for the Casual Insomniac

Every night, tbh.

 If you're like me, sleeping comes as easily as a tolerance for Zooey Deschanel. I've spent many a night laying awake, usually without purpose, hoping that my insomnia would somehow magically cure itself. But nay; I would always remain wide awake. In this regard, I was not at all unlike a Katy Perry song.


Over the years, I have developed a series of methods designed to help one get a good night's rest. So, come hither, fellow insomniacs!

1. Pretend your famous. While planning my inevitable future as a beloved public figure and television personality consumes my everyday life, it's also what puts me to sleep. I can't count the number of times I imagined myself giving an interview on the Today show. What kinds of questions would they ask me? How would I answer? It's too much fun to think about, and even though it's fascinating beyond belief, it does help me sleep. I encourage you to do the same. (For some of you, it'll take some extra creativity to imagine why you'd ever be famous. Just sayin'!)

2. Text a friend. Ask him or her about their lives, their hopes and dreams for the future. That oughta put you out!

3. Download the Britney Spears lullaby album. Even though I have yet to find a time of day during which listening to Britney Spears is a bad idea, her parade of pure and utter jams will only inspire you to live life, not rock you to sleep. So what's the next best thing? Well, there's an album containing lullaby versions of Britney Spears songs courtesy Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star! That's right. Downloaded it last night. No regrets. Although it didn't put me to sleep; I was too busy singing along that I forgot I was tired. Still, it's worth a try! And if Britney doesn't do it for you, then (1) you're an abomination to the human race, and (2) Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star has innumerable lullaby albums dedicated to a wide range of artists, such as Maroon 5, Adele, and even legendary cunt Taylor Swift.

4. Plot the downfall of a nemesis. If you're at all like me, enemies are a dime a dozen. There's no shortage of people to channel your unwanted nighttime energy toward. If you're going to be awake, you might as well be productive and ensure that your daylight hours are free from the various fuckers who taint your everyday life.

5. Don't be addicted to caffeine. A lot of my insomnia could probably be cured if I didn't intake so much caffeine. Starbucks runs at 9pm? Yeah, not a good idea.

If these fool-proof suggestions don't help you regulate your sleeping schedule, then you are absolutely fucked. Best of luck to you. Everyone else, you're welcome.

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