Saturday, December 15, 2012

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.
In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...
  1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
  2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
  3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
  4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
  5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
  6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
  7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
  8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
  9. You've never seen The X Factor.
  10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
  11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
  12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
  13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
  14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
  15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
  16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
  17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
  18. You've ever been Team Christina.
  19. You think she's a bad role model.
  20. You think she's a bad mother.
  21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
  22. You don't know who Sabi is.
  23. You've never seen Crossroads.
  24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
  25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
  26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
  27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
  28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
  29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
  30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.
There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.


Madeleine Wills said...

"However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you."
Damn - guess we can't be friends anymore!

Taylor Tanton said...

People can learn a lot from your wisdom! I just learned I'm super basic.