Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Cunt of the Week: Paige, the Other Lesbian from Pretty Little Liars

A haircut like this practically begs for Cunt of the Week.
Paige McCullers from Pretty Little Liars is the latest cunt to join the famed Cunt of the Week club. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it centers around four teenage girls who try to solve the murder of their best friend Alison while dodging bullets (both literal and figurative) sent their way by a mysterious blackmailer called A. One of our primary antagonists is Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell), who is arguably the prettiest of all the liars. Emily succeeds mostly in two things: (1) being a lesbian, and (2) fucking up absolutely everything because she is incredibly stupid.

The only character on the show who is more of a lesbian and more of a screw-up that Emily is her on-and-off girlfriend, Paige, portrayed by Lindsey Shaw. (Sorry, Maya comes in third place.) Don't know who Lindsey Shaw is? Kill yourself! She rose to fame playing budding lesbian Moze on Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. Good shit.

Paige is initially introduced in Pretty Little Liars as Emily's homophobic nemesis. "We all know what team you really play for," she snaps. (You see, Paige is incredibly original.) She and Emily are constantly duking it out for captain of the swim team. At one point, Paige tries to drown Emily. #Justified

Eventually, things get really heated, which thrilled me, because I love shit revolving around sports. Eventually, Paige shows up at Emily's doorstep in the pouring rain and apologizes for being such a major cunt. On her way home, she gets in a bicycle accident. That's right. A junior in high school rides her bike across the entire fucking town in the middle of a hail storm. Ever heard of a car, bitch? Later, Paige and Emily go for a "casual swim" together whilst Selena Gomez's "I Won't Apologize" plays. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. It's the perfect song for lesbians.

At this point, Paige isn't out of the closet but she's certainly reaching for the doorknob. All it takes is her father to embarrass her at school and she comes FLYING out, practically raping an unexpecting Emily in her car. I'm pretty sure it was raining then, too. As time passes, Paige continues to be a raging cunt while Emily bounces between Paige and every other lesbian in Rosewood. First Paige is like, "Yeah, I'm a lesbian." Then she's like, "Nope. I'm straight as an arrow." Then she's all like, "Yeah, maybe." In actuality, she says: "Sorry, Emily — I’m not looking to join a club and ride down Main Street on a rainbow chopper." And then she kind of goes away for a while.

By the third season, Paige is solidifying her position as the biggest cunt in town. (And with Ella around, that's hard to do.) Not only does she take advantage of an intoxicated Emily, but Paige gets drunk and makes a fool of herself at Jenna's birthday party.

Then this happens.
Later that season, Emily's friends suspect that Paige might be A, since she's psycho as all fuck and basically tried to kill Alison back in the day. You see, they had an intense rivalry because Alison would always call Paige "pig skin." #TeamAli

They soon eliminate that theory. I'm not sure how. A lot of crap happens on this show and it's hard to keep track of. But after that, they welcome Paige in as part of the gang and she's always there. I'm sorry, but if I suspected someone of having been a murderer, I don't know if I'd be buddy-buddy with them even after my suspicions were invalidated. Not only that, but why would Paige want to hang out with people who once thought she killed their best friend?!

Most recently, Paige decides to dispel lesbian stereotypes and show up to a Halloween party in a tuxedo. Then she fights off a costumed A who is trying to choke Spencer (one of the liars). You know what this means... She's gained even more of their trust and will practically be the fifth fucking pretty little liar! Ugh.

So, in summary. Paige is a cunt because she has pig skin and she took out her internal struggles on innocent, albeit annoying, lesbians like Emily. Then she became a rapist.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Jam of the Week: "We Own the Night" by Jessie and the Toy Boys

Fannequins unite! To add some color to this desolate Monday, I've selected "We Own the Night" by Jessie and the Toy Boys as the Jam of the Week. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the band, it consists of lead singer Jessie Malakouti and a bunch of mannequins (the boy toys).

I first fell in love with Jessie and the Boy Toys when I stumbled upon one of their songs several years ago. Then, in June 2011, I saw them in concert when they opened up for the legendary Miss Britney Spears. As the saying goes, if Britney deems somebody worthy of opening for her on tour, you best listen to 'em!

"We Own the Night" is the perfect jam to get you through the week. With lyrics like "Hey! You ready for the rock show?/Hey! Bling bling in a limo/We boom boom like an echo/Come come come to the floor, yo," there is no shortage of Eurotrash dance floor energy here!

If the song sounds familiar to you, it's probably because it was used to advertise The CW's fall line-up a few years back.

Mannequins + Britney + CW = Perfection.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Bitch of the Week: The High School Musical Golden Trio

Bitches on parade.
What time is it? Bitch of the Week time! Or in this case, bitches of the week. That's right: this time around, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Tisdale are working hand-in-hand to prove that sometimes the best bitchery comes from teamwork.

High School Musical is credited for many things, including boosting Disney Channel to a new level of popularity, making musicals cool again, and for defining tween pop culture for three years. Everybody loved the trilogy, and if you didn't, well you can just go fuck yourself. Most notably, however, the film series launched the careers of the three aforementioned bitches. (Wtf is a corbin bleu?) They were so influential for like 3 years, and while their respective careers may have fizzled out, their bitchery has remained in tact. Let's take a closer look at the individuals.

Just Zac.
Zac Efron
Well, fuck. All you have to do is look at Zac Efron to know why he is just all kinds of right. Disney Channel's first legit heartthrob, Zac could spend the rest of his life getting by on his looks. Even though that would be the bitchy thing to do, he's committed to his craft, which I guess is pretty respectable. He tries his best to be a dramatic actor while still playing to an audience of teenagers and desperate single women in their late 20s. That's how he ended up in a Nicholas Sparks movie. As far as I'm concerned, Zac can do whatever the hell he wants and I'll still buy a ticket.

The good guy also knows who he is and has stood by his morals while dealing with a little thing called fame. "I'll never try to put on a fake image," he has said. "I'm just Zac." Oh, and that's all we want you to be, Zac! Mr. Efron has a lot of courage, braving criticisms on his legitimacy as an actor as well as rampant gay rumors in order to star in all three High School Musical films, as well as Hairspray. You have to respect a bitch who doesn't take shit from anybody else.

Vanessa Hudgens
Mmhmm, I know what you're thinking. But no, this is not a mistake. Baby V will not be getting Cunt of the Week, despite the fact that her name is listed in the thesaurus as a synonym for cunt. Because of her tireless contributions to the best musical trilogy in history, I'll spin her cuntitude into bitchery. For starters, Vanessa had to have done something right to land Zac Efron. She's pretty and all, but also whiny as fuck. Or so it appears. And she's like not a real person. I remember reading interviews with all the stars of the film. They were asked what their favorite food was. While most answered sushi or pizza, Vanessa answered Flaming Hot Cheetos. Um... Well, alright.

Bitch or cunt?
Then there's the whole nude picture thing. That was totally fine. She apologized, so it was like whatever. It was for Zac, meant to be private, etc. Then it happened again. This is when, like a true bitch, she claimed the photos were taken when she was underage and had that shit taken down. Ladies and gents, that's the way to handle a nude photo scandal!

Personally, I think V is just the ultimate troll. She just does shit for the sake of stirring the pot, which is a total bitch thing to do. The key to accepting Vanessa as a bitch is to just find the humor in what she does and says. For example:
  • On her career ambitions: "I'd like to win an Oscar."
  • On her hobbies: "I just love lip gloss."
  • On fashion: "I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky!"
  • On her fans: "Right now, I do not like kids at all. I mean, I love my fans and everything, but when you have kids following you around all day, it's like, "Ugh, kids!" Maybe that will change when I get older."
Other bitches ain't shit.
Ashley Tisdale
Ah, yes. Ashley Tisdale, my personal fave of the bunch. Where to start with Ashley? Real talk: For about a year, I was a Tizbyterian, meaning I followed Ashley Tisdale religiously. I thought she was just the greatest thing since sliced bread. And who can blame me? She was the best thing about The Suite Life, and she played Sharpay Evans in HSM, and that's about as bitchy as Disney will let you get. Then she proceeded to launch a music career with jams such as "He Said She Said", "Be Good To Me", and "It's Alright, It's OK". There was no shortage of reasons to convert. I even devoted part of a fucking school project to her.

Since then, however, I got over it. #Britneyology This is mostly because the Tiz has made some rather unfortunate career decisions. Hellcats, anybody? And she also abandoned her music career to focus on acting, which is like Santa getting high on meth on Christmas instead of delivering presents. Still, Ashley retains the bitchiness that made me fall in love with her in the first place, so we good now. Here are some fun quotes illustrating her bitchiness:
  • "I don't drink and I don't smoke. It's a personal preference."
  • "I love pink, it's so girly!"
  • "Zac Efron would make us feel guilty for eating big dinners. He'd say 'Do you really want to eat all those carbs?' It was like, thanks a lot!" (Oh Zac, you bitch!)
So while these three stars' career may have wavered, and while we'll probably never get High School Musical: The College Years, it's safe to say Zac, Vanessa, and Ashley will always be the G-rated bitches they were meant to be. Or R-rated, in Vanessa's case.

    Thursday, October 25, 2012

    Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney

    It's Eve, bitch.

    To the Jews, there's only the Old Testament. To Christians, there's a sequel and that shit's called the Bible. To Mormons, there's a third book (which I only know because of The Book of Mormon #SorryI'mNotSorry). But to Britneyologists, there's a fourth book and in its entirety, it reads: "It's Britney, bitch." That's right, Britney is pretty much like Jesus fucking Christ himself. Think about it: just as he died for our sins, Britney paid for our insatiable obsession with celebrities. I can't think of a more beautifully poetic analogy.

    To celebrate Britney's many talents, which range from singing jam after jam to turning water into Starbucks coffee, I've compiled a list of the best Britney Spears singles (note: I limited myself to singles not songs; shit would get cray). Naturally, there isn't such a thing as a bad Britney song, so this was really hard. But I was up for the challenge!

    Wednesday, October 24, 2012

    Cunt of the Week: Katherine Heigl the Ungrateful

    She's got a face you just want to slap!
    Oh man, am I over this week's Cunt of the Week? Katherine Heigl has unfortunately been forever ingrained in the public consciousness. However, if you're unfamiliar with the name, it may be because you know her better as the ungrateful cunt who trashes everything that makes her famous.

    Katherine started her career in the 90s, most notably with the Disney Channel movie Wish Upon a Star. Yup, that's her. I was disgusted when I learned that, as well. While that will forever be the pinnacle of her career in my mind, her true breaktout came in 2005 when she landed the role of Dr. Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy. As her character's name was Izzie, you just knew some annoying shit was about to go down.

    I never committed to the series, but apparently Katherine did well, earning an Emmy and SAG Award in addition to various other accolades. Fun story: When she won her Emmy, Katherine, being the basic bitch that she is, said "shit" during the live broadcast and also whined about someone pronouncing her name wrong. I remember watching this and not knowing who she was. "Who the fuck is this bitch?" I believe were my exact words. Luckily, it wasn't all fun and games for Katherine. Around the time of Grey's premiere, she starred in Zyzzyx Road. Never heard of it? Yeah, it only made $30 at the box office and is considered the lowest grossing film of all time. Ha!

    Come on. How can this not be the
    most desirable woman in America?
    Nevertheless, Katherine's successful stint as a model-turned-doctor on the medical drama launched her into stardom. Despite being a chain smoker and looking a decade older than she actually was, she was consistently ranked as one of the most desirable women in men's magazines. In 2007, she starred in Knocked Up as a television journalist who lowers her standards and sleeps with Seth Rogen. The movie was a huge success. This is where Katherine first made her cuntitude so evident. Ever the feminist, Katherine called Knocked Up "a little sexist," explaining that it "paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys." Um... Did you ever think that you're just so fucking unlikable as a human being that it's impossible for you to portray any of your characters as anything other than shrews? Probably not. Thankfully, the public did not react well to these comments and called Katherine an ungrateful hypocrite, among other things. She tried to backpedal her statement, but ain't nobody got time for her bullshit.

    The cunt struck again in 2009 when Katherine withdrew her name from Emmy submissions, claiming that she had not been given good enough material on that season of Grey's Anatomy to warrant a nomination. UM... (1) Perhaps it wasn't the material that was lacking, but your ability as a fucking actor; (2) Maybe you should thank your lucky stars that despite your atrocious so-called acting, you got an Emmy nomination out of it anyway. Katherine had hoped to pass off this fuckery as an act of professional integrity, but everybody understood that it was a passive aggressive attack on the show that made her famous. Showrunner Shondra Rhimes stated that while she wasn't offended by Katherine's decision, the lack of what Katherine would consider Emmy-worthy material was due to the fact that Katherine herself had requested a light work load to focus on her film career. Yeah, because if you're not given challenging material on Grey's Anatomy, you're sure to find it on films such as 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, and Killers.

    In the 2009-10 season of Grey's Anatomy, Izzie Stevens appeared only sporadically, despite ABC's announcement that Katherine was expected to remain on board for the entire season. Being the class act that she is, Katherine stopped showing up for work halfway through the season without warning. Bitch was immediately let go from her contract. Honestly, what a professional. We should all be more like Katherine. Earlier this year, Katherine expressed interest in returning to the show. #Desperate #Flop

    There are many ways to be cunts, but the worst cunts are those who are ungrateful for the blessings in their life. In other words, don't look a gift cunt in its mouth.

    Monday, October 22, 2012

    Jam of the Week: "Love Like Mine" by Hayden Panettiere

    Until recently, I subscribed to the popular belief that Hayden Panettiere is super annoying; they don't call her Hayden Pain-in-the-ass for nothing! However, that all changed when I tuned into Nashville, a new show on ABC. The series stars Connie Britton as Rayna James, a country superstar whose career begins to stall. Hayden plays Juliette Barnes, a country-pop crossover artist and teen sensation. Her hobbies include being a royal bitch, snatching Rayna's wig, and sleeping with people to get what she wants. Obviously, I'm all about her! And on top of being great, the character is clearly an unflattering parody of Taylor Swift, which makes her even better!

    As Nashville is a music-centric show, the cast releases original songs for each episode. Today, Jam of the Week goes country! Enjoy Hayden's "Love Like Mine", which manages to be better than half the shit Taylor Swift releases. I challenge you not to enjoy this jam!

    Friday, October 19, 2012

    Bitch of the Week: Andy Cohen

    He can rest easy knowing that his reality TV
    legacy has forever damaged the collective
    American IQ.
    It's a horrible misconception in today's society that men cannot be bitches. To remedy this baseless double standard, I've decided to award Bitch of the Week to a man. Kudos to Andy Cohen for becoming the first dude to get the title.

    In case you're unfamiliar with Andy, he's a gay Jew who took over the Bravo network. He is not at all unlike Oprah. Except he's not black or a lesbian. He's the mastermind behind The Real Housewives franchise and hosts all of the reunions, during which he enjoys starting shit between the easily irritable women.

    How many other people can say they gave fame to a previously unnoticed breed of catty upper class women? If it weren't for him, we wouldn't have guidettes flipping their shit (and sometimes, tables), former prostitutes just off of their nineteenth engagement, Paris Hilton's alcoholic aunts bickering all the fucking time, or batshit crazy New York socialites who believe their hypocrisy and pathological lying prove their ever-evolving nature.

    Eventually, Andy decided to just give himself his own show, like any other bitch would. It's called Watch What Happens Live. It's basically him wearing appropriately flamboyant outfits, drinking, and making fun of people, usually with a B-list celebrity at his side. There is nothing about that of which I disapprove.

    Andy quite possibly might be the bitch of life, because he already has an Emmy and is friends with all the right celebrities. The only thing that could possibly make him more awesome is if he were responsible for the Kardashian empire. Sorry, those kudos go to Ryan Seacrest. Still, Andy knows what it takes to be a Bitch of the Week and he will never stop. So, bravo! (Lol.)

    Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Villains

    Like most of you, I loved myself a good Disney movie when I was a youngster. I would pop in those VHS tapes like there was no tomorrow. Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King were my top picks, but I would watch anything that opened with that classic triumphant tune and the boring-ass striped castle against that unflattering blue backdrop.

    While Disney films were designed to teach us about right and wrong with plots that were dripping with sexism and racism, I always found myself rooting for the villain. This probably should have been a warning flag to my parents, but who cares. I was all about the evil bitches who were just trying to live their lives uninhibited by other people's crap, and I turned out absolutely fine.

    Anyway, since Halloween is just around the corner, I've decided to celebrate these BAMFs by counting down the Top 5 Disney Villains. I just know you'll agree.

    I love bitches who stick to their own color palette. And
    damn, would you look at those feathers? Snaps!
    5. Lady Tremaine and her two bitchin' daughters
    Who knew being ugly could make you look so good? Cinderella's wicked stepmother and stepsisters are super fabulous, mostly due to the fact that they aren't really evil, just bitchy as hell. In fact, if you think about it, they didn't really do anything wrong. Lady Tremaine just married rich, which is fine. If you find someone who's willing to put a ring on it and they've got a bank account to boot, there ain't nothing wrong with hopping on that gift horse! Nobody said she didn't love him. And when he died and left Lady T all his money, well, you don't know that she killed him. You have no proof.

    Then there's her daughters, Anastasia and Drizella, who belt out beautiful tunes such as "Sing Sweet Nightingale" and specialize in making Cinderella's life a living hell. And brownie points to Drizella for having a sick name. These three women are experts in bossing people around, and they use their skills on Cinderella, who is bipolar and borderline schizophrenic. If you ask me, bitch was asking for a lifetime of indentured servitude. It's not as if she's rotting in the basement eating nothing but crumbs. She's well fed and has an entire fucking tower to herself. So if she could be just appreciate what she has and not wigsnatch her stepsisters every fucking chance she gets, that'd be great. And who didn't just revel in the classic dress-ripping scene? Lol. All that dress did was prove mice suck at fashion design. The only bad thing about these ladies is Anastasia. She goes soft in the sequels, falls in love with a baker, and aligns herself with Char-face. All of that goes against bitch code!

    I bet this is a serious sexual fetish for some people.
    4. Jafar
    I'm not sure what it is about Jafar. Maybe it's his sick cobra cane and wise-cracking parrot or perhaps it's his badass facial hair ("And your beard is so... twisted"), but he is just absolutely amazing. I love the fact that he's considered a trusted, respectable royal adviser when he's dressed like a fucking demon and looks absolutely baked at all times. And there's nothing better than a social-climber who's willing to lie, cheat, steal, and kill to get what he wants.

    As I child, I identified with Jafar. Not only did we both recognize that Jasmine is a total slut, but we shared the same passion for harassing the homeless. (Those damn street rats!) And when he turned Jasmine into his sex slave and then became a giant ass snake, I was like, Yeah, Jafar. You go! Though Jafar loses out in the end, true to Disney's standards, he demonstrated that he is the absolute shit, and he didn't need a fucking magic carpet to prove it.

    Totally casual.
    3. Ursula
    Whether Ursula is a squid or an octopus is still a hotly debated issue, but one thing that's clear is that she is the best villain the seven seas have ever seen. Ursula has been in the business of helping poor unfortunate souls for, like, ever (her white hair provides evidence that she's old as fuck). Are you longing to be thinner? Do you want to get the girl? Well Ursula will hook you up. This big, bad sea witch is all about helping people achieve their goals, and it's not her fault if you don't know how to read the fine print.

    Some may say she took advantage of Ariel when she was all like, "Gimme your voice and I'll make you human, but then I'll take your soul if you don't wow the humans." However, I say it was a fair trade. And if you ask me, that ginger bitch deserved to be screwed over! She was nothing but an angsty teenager who hoarded shit and wasn't grateful for her life. Ursula is the one who's been banished from the palace and is "wasting away, practically starving!" Her only company are two incestuous eels with speech impediments. You don't see her complaining, do you? No, she just wants to give back. And you bet your ass she'll come after you if you don't uphold your end of the bargain. But what true professional wouldn't?

    What it do, bitch?
    2. Maleficent
    How could someone who's known as the Mistress of Evil not make this list. Coming in at number 2, Maleficent is an evil fairy who has made a career of being mischievous. An expert in the art of passive aggression, Maleficent crashes the baby shower of Princess Aurora (what a horribly obnoxious name, btw). "Oh, dear, what an awkward situation," she says after that blue bitch Merryweather says M wasn't invited on purpose. "I had hoped it was merely due to some oversight." To show that she's not offended and means no ill will, Maleficent bestows upon the princess the gift of a great life until her sixteenth birthday, when she'll basically die after pricking her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. While I think this is just too great for words, Maleficent does make a rookie mistake by putting that "true love's kiss" detail in there. Personally, I wouldn't have thought that anybody could truly love Aurora, since she's as bland as a vanilla milkshake. But still, Maleficent shouldn't have risked it.

    For the next 16 years, Maleficent has her army of goblins scouring the land for any signs of the princess, who has assumed the identity of Briar Rose and is fucking around in the forest somewhere. The trolls prove to be as useless as an Olsen twin, so our horned bitch sends out a raven who gets the job done. Maleficent then hypnotizes Aurora and brings her to the castle where the whole spinning wheel prophecy is fulfilled. But Prince Phillip is having none of this and braves Maleficent's thorny forest to rescue his beloved BR. I was so conflicted as a child, because I was totes Team Phillip and Team Maleficent at the same time. However, my allegiance to Maleficent was sealed when she transforms herself into a bitchin' dragon. True, she dies. But whatever, she went out in style.

    He about to slap a bitch!
    1. Frollo
    It's the 1400s. Shit isn't going well. Gypsies be sneakin' into Paris like Taylor Swift into a Kennedy wedding. Judge Claude Frollo is just trying to do his thing, being a minister of justice and all, but of course everyone needs to get in his way. With no other option, he bashes a gypsy's head into the pavement and attempts to drown her deformed baby in a well until a fat priest orders him to raise the little fucker as his own. What is Frollo, a fucking orphanage? Hell no. But out of the goodness of his heart, he lets the baby live in Notre Dame's bell tower and becomes his surrogate father.

    Fast forward 20 years and the gypsy baby has grown into a hunchback known as Ginnifer Goodwin Quasimodo. Frollo tells Q he can't leave the church because he is a monster and would be rejected by society. And that's totally probably true, so all Frollo was doing was trying to protect him. It's called tough love, damn it. But Quasimodo, true to form, decides to be disobedient as all fuck and goes into the city anyway. People boo, they throw things, just like Frollo said they would. On top of that, there's a gypsy bitch named Esmeralda who's practically giving blow jobs on the street. Like every other man in Paris, Frollo is all about nailing Esmeralda. In "Hellfire", quite possibly the best Disney song ever, Frollo attempts to deal with his burning sexual desire. He prays to God to either give Esmeralda to him or let her burn in hell. And let's be honest, who hasn't made those kinds of prayers?

    Naturally, things don't go Frollo's way because Quasimodo is hellbent on proving that outer ugly equals inner beauty and then some jackass with a bowl cut named Phoebus gets added into the mix. A bunch of shit goes down, and Frollo decides that it's high time to set the whole city aflame, which is totally understandable. Unfortunately, he totally ends up burning in the hell that he's created. It's called poetic irony and I love it.

    Wednesday, October 17, 2012

    That One Time I Met Hilary Duff

    I've always been a Hilary Duff fan, and who can blame me? As an actress, she brought alive the ever-so-relatable Lizzie McGuire, and also starred in hits such as The Lizzie McGuire Movie, A Cinderella Story, and The Perfect Man, amongst others. As a songstress, she bestowed upon us jam after jam, including (but certainly not limited to) "What Dreams Are Made Of", "So Yesterday", "Come Clean", "Fly", and "Stranger". In short, she defined my generation, and unlike Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and the other celebrities who came about in my youth, she managed to keep a low profile life free from controversy. She also blazed the trail for the "Disney tween queens," allowing us to enjoy gems such as Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez for all of prosperity. (Or, in Miley's case, until they get a fugly haircut.)

    Funny thing is that Hilary was definitely on the short list for future Bitches of the Week, because she's just so awesome. However, after meeting her in person, I totes decided to blog about her now. Yesterday, Hilary came to speak at my school. I basically planned by whole week around the event, as did many of my colleagues. I did everything I could to ensure I would have an optimal experience, which included being seventh in a line of like 500 people and buying her book at the event so I would be guaranteed her autograph. Me being pressed as all fuck when I saw other people getting better access to the Disney darling was also a recurring sitch throughout the day.

    At approximately 4pm PST on October 16, 2012, life began. Like Jesus Christ rising from the grave, Hilary floated on stage. She spoke about everything from her career to her humanitarianism to her new life as a wife and mother. (She also brought up several times how great her sister is. Guess we can't agree on everything! Though it was fun to watch her eloquently dance around the fact that Haylie is a major flop.) Some questions stumped her, especially the ones asking about her biggest failures or regrets. UM. She doesn't have any. She's Hilary fucking Duff. However, she did say that she did a string of independent films that "only like 9 people saw." Guess who was one of those 9 people? This bitch!

    After about an hour, the Q&A session ended and it was time for the book signing. The dick who was in charge of the event told us we were absolutely not allowed to take pictures with Hilary. I was like, BITCH! I did not pay 19 dollars for her book just to stand next to her and not document the beautiful, life-changing moment. Thankfully, Hilary realized this guy had a major stick up his ass and took pictures with everyone anyway! You go, Hil!

    As I waited in line, I contemplated what I would say to Hilary. "I love you!" was too generic, but "Me and my friend have Hilary Duff marathons all the time" was just too specific. Could I ask a question? Naturally everybody wants to know what the fuck went down with Lalaine, but I didn't want her to think I was only interested in idle gossip. And would she appreciate me asking what she thinks Lizzie is up to these days? I couldn't be sure. Then it hit me: I'll tell her I've seen those independent movies that nobody else had seen. She was so proud of (most of) them and I could tell her how much I loved them.

    So I hollered right on up to her and said, "Hey, Hilary! How are you?" Totally casual. Then she was like, "Hi, Tommy." I was like OMG she knows my name. (I totally forgot that they had us write our names on a post-it note so she knew how to spell them.) She continued, "I'm good. My cheeks hurt because I've been grinning so much!" I started freaking out because I thought this was her nice way of saying "I don't want to take anymore pictures." Luckily, she took one anyway! I then told her how I was one of the 9 people who saw those movies, and how much I loved According to Gretta. She lit up and said, "Oh, good! Thank you so much!" I then brought up War, Inc. which was a steaming pile of shit. But I didn't say that. I just mentioned that I had seen it. Her response: "Oh God, you stayed awake during that?" #Honesty

    I decided to flatter her some more and say, "Only for you! You were hilarious!" (because she was). Then she told me I was sweet and asked me if I liked her song in the film. At this moment, I contemplated telling her I owned every song she's ever recorded. Then I thought, better not. So I just said "Of course!" and my time was up. I thanked her, she thanked me, and that was that.

    Naturally, I had to sit down after such an experience. I'm no stranger to meeting Disney Channel stars; three years ago, I met two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers. However, this wasn't just running into Joe and Nick at a restaurant and timidly asking for a picture. This was like the fucking rapture! This was Hilary fucking Duff asking me if I liked her song and joking about her flop movies! Oh my Hilary, she is is just too fun.

    If you haven't already, I highly encourage you to try and meet Hilary. She's great and meeting her is life.

    Cunt of the Week: Ginnifer Goodwin, a Royal Pain

    Ginnifer was born to an elf couple in the North
    Pole. Santa was tired of her shit and had her
    shipped to America, where she continued to be
    a giant pain in the ass for all humanity.
    The turn of the century was a big effing deal for many reasons. It brought upon us many changes, both good and bad. The latter can best be summed up by the career beginnings of one Ginnifer Goodwin. For over a decade, Ginnifer has been annoying the shit out of pretty much everyone, and that makes her a golden candidate for Cunt of the Week.

    Those who are not familiar with Ginnifer (and even those who are) might be thinking, What the hell kind of name is Ginnifer? It sounds like the sound a plumber would murmur as he died in a jar of mayonnaise. But apparently it's a legit name, as evidenced by the fact that as I'm writing this, spell check ain't got no problem with the word "Ginnifer." However, this does not, by any stretch of the imagination, make the name any less disgusting. What's even grosser is that our Sour Patch Kid-faced starlet was actually born Jennifer Michelle Goodwin. Yup, she had a normal name for a while. But she was unable to resist the urge to cunt it up like no other and changed her name to Ginnifer to respect the proper Southern pronunciation of her birth name. Gag me.

    Ginnifer thinking she's all that. Bitch!
    You ain't even the bag of chips.
    For the beginning of her career, Ginnifer did well for herself, landing roles in films like Mona Lisa Smile and Walk the Line, but it wasn't until 2009's He's Just Not That Into You that she became a bona fide celebrity. Unfortunately, the film that launched Ginnifer into mega stardom is also the film that lobotomized millions of movie-goers across the world. I mean, seriously! That movie blew some serious ass. In it, Ginnifer acts as a needy, desperate, clingy, bitch who hasn't a clue about life; however, I don't really think it's fair to call it "acting" when you're just being yourself. The movie might as well have been called The Ginnifer Diaries.

    Life got even more real for Ginnifer when fairy tales became the absolute shit and ABC began developing Once Upon a Time, which follows a bunch of small town flops who are/were secretly fairy tale characters in an alternate universe. The show is absolute trash, which is probably why Ginnifer was attracted to it. Upon hearing that she would be in Once Upon a Time, I assumed she would be playing Quasimodo. To my surprise, she was cast as Snow White, who's supposed to be beautiful and likable. (Talk about casting against type!) I felt like that was a low blow; Snow White already has a reputation for being annoying as all hell, and now she has a whiny cunt named Ginnifer portraying her? She just can't catch a break.

    In summary, Ginnifer is an actress whose annoyance and cuntitude practically leaps off screen and molests the audience. Additionally, she voluntarily totes around the name Ginnifer. Some people might give her props, but I prefer to give her Cunt of the Week. Congrats, girl!

    Monday, October 15, 2012

    Jam of the Week: "Your Body" by Christina Aguilera

    If you were to look up the definition of "pressed" in the Tommy dictionary, you'd find a picture of Christina Aguilera. Not the dirrty Xtina, but the Floptina who looks like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy. She is so unbelievably basic that something tells me she might be Cunt of the Week soon.

    But cunts can have jams, and oh, is "Your Body" a jam! After spending the past few years of her career flopping hardcore, Christina is back with a vengeance, and she's abandoned her former need to be different. In this song, there's very little that sets her apart from the dozens of other pop stars releasing dance floor anthems, and that's exactly how I like it! To hell with originality and individuality! #AllForOne

    "Your Body" is particularly enjoyable because you don't need to know too many words. "All I want to do/Is love your body/Ooooooohhh/Tonight's your lucky night/I know you want it/Ooooooohhh," our songstress sings. While part of me is sad the lyrics aren't "fuck your body," which I swore I heard upon my first listening experience, I can deal. Sometimes you gotta think of the kids. Not that I ever do, but at least she does.

    What makes this song even better is the music video, which showcases Christina in her natural habitat: various white trash locations, including a cheap motel, a seedy bar, and a trailer park. It's always nice to see celebrities returning to their roots. The music video also lots of colors and I like colors.

    So while Christina may be a raging cunt, and while she'll never be Britney Spears, she sure knows how to release a good jam! Hope you enjoy, and remember: always love your body. (See, there are so many layers to this song, including a message about positive body image!)

    Saturday, October 13, 2012

    When Allegedly Good Movies End Up Sucking Ass: The Dark Knight Rises

    Looking down into the hell that was my viewing experience.
    Yeah, you heard me, Christopher Nolan!

    I realize that The Dark Knight Rises plagued theaters three months ago, but my anger toward the film has yet to subside. Any atrocity that inflicts months-long damage certainly deserves to be commented on.

    Like so many citizens of this blue planet, I was both ecstatic and somewhat skeptical of the concept of a rebooted Batman film series. It would take something out-of-this-world amazing to erase the stain that was Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman playing an evil ice cream man and a drag queen with a plant fetish, respectively. But Christopher Nolan had a fresh vision for Gotham City and its famous citizens. In 2005's Batman Begins, he introduced a gritty and reality-based universe and it was just fantastic. The Dark Knight, which was released in 2008, was even better. These movies made a ton of money and everybody loved them. So naturally, this year's The Dark Knight Rises, the third and final film in the series, was one of the most anticipated cinematic events in a super long time.

    Too bad it fucking blew ass.

    There were so many things wrong with The Dark Knight Rises, starting with its title. What the FUCK does The Dark Knight Rises even mean? I don't recall seeing Batman (Christian Bale) rise from anything. What I remember is his debilitated ass being thrown in some underground prison in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and spending pretty much the whole movie there. If "rising" means he eventually managed the strength to get out of the hole, then fine, I'll permit that (even though it's complete bullshit). What I won't tolerate is having to watch him fail, struggle, and train to get out of that prison; it was literally the first movie all over again.

    Then there's Nolan's commitment to keeping the film grounded in reality. That's funny, I can't recall the last time I went to the nearest city and saw someone flying around a fucking space ship like Batman does in this film. It's okay, though. Whatever sense of realism this film had is tossed out the window when the moment some environmental air-cleaning machine that somehow gets turned into a bomb comes into play. (I'm a little fuzzy on specific plot details; I spent the majority of my viewing contemplating the existence of God; I concluded that if there really was a god, I wouldn't have had to sit through this shit!)

    Tom Hardy doing his usual: looking
    pretty and acting like shit.
    Who, you may ask, is turning air filters into bombs? Why, that would be Bane (Tom Hardy), this super muscular dude who pops out of nowhere to start shit. However, you didn't hear his plan to make these bombs from him, because you can't even understand what the fuck he's saying. You see, something's wrong with him, so he has this magical gas mask that alleviates some intense pain (yet another example of Nolan's uncanny ability to replicate the real world in his films.) Anyway, this mask prevents him from speaking clearly, so any scene he's in, he's usually making a bunch of raspy noises while grasping his lapel.

    So while Batman is being useless as all fuck, rotting in a prison somewhere in the Middle East ("like, such as The Iraq"), Bane takes over all of Gotham City, blows up some bridges, releases some rapists and serial killers from prison, and generally just raises hell. Oh, and he makes that bomb I was talking about. I think he also robs a bank. Don't remember. I also don't remember why he's doing all this. I'm not sure if I ever knew to begin with. Like I said, he's pretty hard to understand.

    However, the real fuckery starts when Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) rears her obnoxious head. The character is never actually referred to as Catwoman in the film itself; rather, she is called Selina Kyle. That make's sense, though. Space ships, air-cleaning bombs, and magical gas masks are totally fine, but a sociopathic jewel thief who calls herself Catwoman? That just crosses the line. The biggest problem here is the decision to cast Anne Hathaway. I've never been able to enjoy this bitch in anything other than The Princess Diaries, yet she insists on being in everything. I'm surprised she hasn't filmbombed the Twilight series yet.

    Damn it, Anne! Go back to Genovia.
    Casting aside, the "Not Catwoman" Catwoman character is one of the biggest cunts to hit the streets of Gotham City. Everything she says oozes with an "I'm a witty bitch and I'm ten times better than you" attitude. I usually live, love, and learn from these kinds of characters, but something about Catwoman just doesn't sit right with me. Is it the fact that she wears goggles that vaguely resemble cat ears when atop her head? Or is it the time when the aforementioned bomb is about to blow up the entire fucking city and she decides it's a good idea to make-out with Batman, who's trying to save all their asses? Perhaps it's her pathological role-playing?

    No, I think my "okay, bitch" moment came when Catwoman is arrested and getting perp walked to her cell. When a male prisoner reaches out to touch her, she grabs his hand and does some acrobatic flip to twist his wrist. And the fucking prison guards just stand there and say "Oh, she'll be just fine here!" *Wink* *Cue laugh track* Like what the ever-loving fuck is this shit? You just let this crazy bitch flip around the prison and chalk it up to "She's just being Selina!"? I hate her.

    Believe it or not, I've only begun to address my grievances with this monstrosity of a film. I also took issue with the annoying cop (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that runs around and becomes Robin or something like that, as well as with that random ass bitch who's just kind of there (Marion Cotillard). Alas, these problems aren't even worth getting into. I think the issues I explored in greater detail more than illustrate what a disastrous clusterfuck this film was. All I can say is thank the heavens there won't be a fourth one!

    Friday, October 12, 2012

    Bitch of the Week: Edie Britt, the Bitchiest Wisterian in History

    A throne fit for a queen bitch.
    For the first television season in eight years, Desperate Housewives is unfortunately not gracing small screen across the world. But there's no reason why we cannot celebrate the show in all its glory! And what better way to do so than with Bitch of the Week? I can think of no character better suited for the title than Edie Britt.

    For five seasons, Edie Britt majorly bitched it up on Wisteria Lane and didn't dare apologize for doing so. Whether it was screwing someone's ex-husband or being candid as absolute fuck, Edie never held back. Let's count all the ways that made Edie fantastically bitchy.

    So sudsy.
    1. She was the ultimate frenemy
    Everyone knows that the funnest kinds of friendships are the ones that marry love, support, and trust with jealousy, rivalry, and animosity. Edie was the ultimate frenemy, acting as both friend and foe to the series' leading ladies - Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle - who formed a little clique that pretty much nobody else was allowed to join. (No matter how hard she tried, Katherine was never anything more to these women than the psychotic hag with lesbian tendencies.)

    Edie spent most of her time terrorizing Susan, the klutzy quintessential nice girl. Some days, she was content with making backhanded compliments on Susan's appearance. ("Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.") On more ambitious days, Edie would take to burning Susan's house to the ground or stealing her comatose boyfriend. Eventually, she got bored with Susan (as did many fans) and decided to blackmail Bree and cockblock Gabrielle (see #4). Good times were had by all, and no matter how aggressive or offensive Edie got, she always managed to get back into the ladies' good graces. That, my friends, is the work of a true artist.

    2. She knew how to sell a house
    Edie was all about closing the deal, in more ways than one. As Wisteria Lane's primo realtor, Edie managed to sell any house, no matter how many murders, suicides, or acts of enslavement took place in it. How did she do that? Semantics. Do you think Edie Bitch was about to disclose the fact that Mary Alice shot herself in the living room of the Young House? Hell no. "You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die," she advised. And when Edie wasn't giving tours to potential buyers, she was inviting over potential fucks for a kicky round in the beds of perfect strangers. This is her town bitches. Show some respect!

    3. She was candid as fuck
    Ain't nobody got time for people who hold back their true feelings and opinions out of respect for others. Edie was all about telling it as it is. Examples:
    • On Susan Mayer: "She's a little hard to stomach, but she means well."
    • On Orson Hodge: "I am not interest in Orson. That would be like having sex with PBS!"
    • On sex with Carlos: "I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
    • On Susan Mayer (again): "I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer!"
    • On Gabrielle's weight gain: "What the hell happened to you? Look at you. Your clothes, your hair... Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't."
    • On Susan's homelessness: "I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one."
    • On the Susan/Mike break-up: "Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Delfino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Oh, come on, trot her on out. She's fun to watch."
    And those are some of the nicer things she's said!

    4. She liked fucking shit up for Gabrielle and Carlos

    Only a true bitch would wear this to
    a funeral.
    Edie spent a lot of time on the show's back burner; however, she really shined in seasons three and four when she started dating Carlos, Gabrielle's ex-husband. At first, their relationship was just about sex. Eventually, Edie fell head over heels for Carlos, and when she realized he didn't feel the same way, she decided to use her son as a means for winning Carlos over. #MomOfTheYear And when that stopped working, Edie pretended like she wanted to have a baby with Carlos. She swore off birth control, or so she told him. When he discovered she was secretly still popping those pills with more frequency than Lindsay Lohan, he broke up with her. Do you think Edie quit right then and there? Absolutely not. She decided it was high time to stage a suicide attempt, forcing him to stay with her out of sheer guilt. Only a true bitch would undergo therapy for false suicidal tendencies in order to keep a man in her bed.

    Carlos and Gabrielle began having an affair soon after. Well versed in all acts of bitchery, Edie suspected as much and hired a private investigator to tail their asses. When she got photographic proof of their infidelity, she passed along the snapshots to Gabrielle's husband, Victor, and attempted murders ensued. Elsewhere, Edie probably sat at home laughing her ass off like a true bitch. But do you think things really stopped there? Fuck no. She also fucked up Carlos' secret bank accounts, ensuring that his new life with Gabrielle would begin in poverty. Then, for shits and giggles, she decided to spill the beans to Gabrielle that Carlos was blind when he was too chicken to do it himself. We should all be so bitchy.

    5. She was played by real-life bitch Nicollette Sheridan
    Behind every fictional bitch is usually a bitch so real it's unreal. Nicollette Sheridan gave life to Edie Britt, and with two L's in her name, you know she knew a thing or two about how to be a bitch. In the 80s, a pre-botox Nicollette was her generation's tabloid princess. Though her career and relevancy waned, her inner bitch most certainly did not. When Edie was killed off Desperate Housewives during its fifth season, NS didn't hesitate to sue the shit out of series creator Marc Cherry, accusing him of a plethora of things, including wrongful termination, assault and battery, and gender discrimination. What followed was a lengthy court battle that proved more juicy than the twisted show itself. Even though I was royally pissed that Nicollette got herself banned from ever reprising her role as Edie in flashbacks or dream sequences, I have to give her kudos for being such a bitch!

    Wednesday, October 10, 2012

    Cunt of the Week: Taylor Swift, Giving Country a Bad Name

    Bitch will take any award thrown her way,
    even if it's Cunt of the Week.
    Cunts come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and musical genres. Taylor Swift is this week's cunt. She's what some may call a country singer, but I like to call her either a glorified Miley Cyrus or a cheap Carrie Underwood knock-off; either one fits, just take your pick! Let's learn a little bit more about Taylor and the underlying reasons for her cuntitude will surely speak for themselves.

    Like all true country artists, Taylor was born and raised in Pennsylvania. She spent her entire childhood bitching about how she didn't have a record deal. She also dealt with a shitload of heartbreak, probably because she's clingy and clueless as fuck. At some point, she started pussyfooting around in Nashville and was frustrated with how slowly success was coming her way. Sorry, Taylor. Excuse the record labels that didn't want to invest time, money, and energy into a frizzy-haired 13-year-old with an obnoxious whimper for a singing voice. Eventually, the stars aligned and she signed with Big Machine Records, a brand new independent label. She couldn't believe that they were willing to take such a gamble and sign her! Yeah, because it's so unimaginable that a no-name label without any other singers on its rosters would be desperate enough to sign you, you stupid bitch. Then Taylor became a huge international superstar, seemingly overnight, and made music that can most accurately be described as country by Radio Disney's standards.

    Taylor has conjured up a musical persona that's incredibly annoying. She's a dainty little princess with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old and a fragile heart that you can break just by looking at her. Most of her songs deal with mean boys or unrequited love. She likes to write songs about specific lovers and then call them out either directly in the lyrics (Drew, the poor bastard, in "Teardrops On My Guitar") or on national television (anyone famous with a penis). Because, you know, that's the mature thing to do. Most importantly, Taylor likes to remind everyone that she's the victim in every situation. Going off that, let's take a look at the slut's romantic history.

    This crazy girlfriend meme was partially inspired by Taylor.
    • In 2008, she dated a Jonas Brother. It doesn't matter which one, but it was Joe, for the sake of accuracy. Obviously shit is gonna go down when you're dating Joe Jonas, who was like the Justin Bieber of 2007-08. Well, Joe got real tired of Taylor's inability to be anything other than a cunt and broke up with her in what she claims was a 27-second phone call. (I say that's about 10 seconds too long!) Rather than swallow her pride and be the mature adult she purports to be, Taylor went on Ellen and called him out on it. That merciless cat-eyed bitch!
    • The following year, Taylor dated Taylor Lautner. The duo met while filming Valentine's Day. (Yes, Tswift moonlights as an actress, which is an entirely different problem.) Anyone with half a brain could have said, "Hey, Taylor. How 'bout you not date someone with the same fucking name as you." But the little harlot was so obsessed with the cute nickname Tay Squared that she went for it anyway. Then she discovered she had to have a lot more in common with a man than a name, so the relationship fizzled out.
    • Two shakes of a lamb's tail later, Taylor was suddenly dating John Mayer, 12 years her senior. This relationship illustrates how truly desperate and idiotic Taylor is. Not only is John fucking disgusting, but he also proved what an asshole he was in his relationships with Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, etc. Well, imagine nobody's surprise when this romance went up in flames. Poor little Taylor wrote a song called "Dear John" and confessed her heartache. "Don't you think I was too young messed with/The girl in the dress cried the whole way home," she sings. Boo hoo! I have some lyrics of my own, and they go like this: "You should've known better, bitch!" (Thank you.)
    • The slutwagon in which Taylor travels brought her to the doorstep of Jake Gyllenhaal next. I got over this shit so fast I barely even acknowledge it happened at all. All I know is that this relationship inspired "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", one of Taylor's worst song to date. Earth to Taylor, you delusional bitch: nobody wants to get back together with you. Like, ever.
    Currently, Taylor is crashing weddings and annoying the fuck out the Kennedy family because she's convinced herself that she's dating RFK Jr.'s son, Conor. So anybody who submits to the belief that Taylor is America's sweetheart and a good role model, please review her fuck list and you'll see she's no better than a serial slut in cowboy boots!

    Miss Swift is also biffles with Selena Gomez. One might ask, "Say, Taylor. Why don't you have any friends your own age?" That's probably because people Taylor's age don't like to pretend they're fighting dragons in castles. Even Selena is probably getting tired of that bullshit. Still, Taylor managed to squeeze her ass into the E! News special devoted to Selena. She recounted the hilarious adventures they've had together as great friends. If you missed it, it went something like this:
    Selena and I went to a college football game. We just wanted to blend in because we're so famous and didn't want to pull focus from the game. But we were like, how do we fit in? Because neither of us go to college because college is for idiots and we're famous, so we had no idea how the plebeians behave in public. So we got all the college garb and wore it but we totally stood out. We didn't know people don't wear college paraphernalia from head to toe, lol! It was sooo awkward. I know this is a special about Selena, so sorry for taking up like 8 goddamn minutes about one insignificant anecdote that probably only happened in my head. Joe Jonas broke up with me in a 27-second phone call. Also, I'm from Pennsylvania, so southern shit is really near and dear to my heart.
    It's fuckery like this that makes me think Kanye West had the right idea. #AmIRight? Currently, Taylor is prepping for the release of her fourth album, Red. In an effort to prove what a true country singer she is, she's incorporated autotune and dubstep into the album. I shit you not. It's there. And when you hear it, you know you'll be thinking, What a cunt!

    Monday, October 8, 2012

    Jam of the Week: "Die Young" by Ke$ha

    Start swishing a bottle of Jack and break out the glitter, because the new Jam of the Week is brought to you by none other than Ke$ha. In her latest single, "Die Young", Ke$ha explores new musical depths while proving yet again that she is the baddest white female sorta rapper of all time. (Sorry 'bout it, Kreayshawn!)

    Thematically, "Die Young" is not at all unlike Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream", as both songs explore youthful invincibility from different perspectives. However, there's nothing youthful about Ke$ha's new lease on music!  The last thing I ever expected her to do was grow up, but "Die Young" certainly reflects the beard aficionado's growth as not only a true artist, but also as a person.

    In true brat fashion, Ke$ha used to demand, "Just show me where your dick's at" ("Blah Blah Blah"). However, in her latest endeavor, she is more respectful and reserved, opining, "That magic in your pants is making me blush (fo sho)." And gone are the days when she needed to be plastered as fuck to have a good time. In "Die Young", all she needs is the comfort of some other girl's man to make the night worth while. I'm impressed with your maturity, Kes$ha. Utterly impressed.

    Take a listen to this glorious jam and live this next week like you're gonna die young!

    Friday, October 5, 2012

    Bitch of the Week: Kourtney Kardashian, the Ultimate Calabitch

    Mirror, mirror on the wall,
    Who's the biggest bitch of all?
    The Kardashian family is built on a lineage of strong, independent Armenian bitches, so the fact that Kourtney Kardashian is the Bitch of the Week doesn't even require an explanation. But here it is anyway. Kourtney is the eldest of the Kardashian sisters, meaning she has been bitching it up since before Kim and Khloé even left the womb. For 33 years, Kourtney has been DGAFing hardcore about many things, particularly other people's feelings. She has built up a beautifully monotonous speaking pattern, which has given her the ability to conceal any emotion or sign of humanity that may be lying beneath the surface.

    Kourtney had a relatively normal childhood, except she was rich as fuck and her parents were biffles with OJ Simpson. She then graduated from the University of Arizona with degrees in theatre arts and Spanish, but like a true bitch, Kourtney forsook those useless skills and opened up a chic boutique in Calabasas called DASH. And long before Kim's porno made the whole fam famous, Kourtney dipped her toe in the reality television waters by appearing in Filfthy Rich: Cattle Drive, which was just about a bunch of rich people's children competing for charity. I like everything about that except the whole charity aspect.

    Kourtney passes down her bitchery to the next generation.
    Since then, Kourtney and her sisters have all become major bitches and tabloid queens. But it's Kourtney who proved time and time again that she could outbitch her sisters any day of the week. She started dating Scott Disick, a metro douchbag and her personal sperm bank. Whether it's Scott's alcoholism and philandering tendencies or Kourtney's emotional unavailability, the couple's turbulent relationship has been well documented and serves to remind us all that a real bitch doesn't lead a boring life. (She even refused to give birth to her children in the typical plebeian manner and pulled those suckers out of her vadge all by herself!) In fact, she makes sure not a damn minute goes by that she's not in the living rooms of millions of Americans, prompting her to star in not only Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but also Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York as well. When's the last time you took two cities? Probably never, because you ain't Kourtney K.

    To further prove what a grade A Bitch Kourt is, I've compiled a list of her best quotes:
    • On working with photographer Ashley Paige: "Ashley Paige is insane. I'm ready to shove a taco up her ass."
    • On self-reflection: "I think I have mental problems."
    • On Kim crying after losing an expensive earring: "Kim, there are people that are dying."
    • On food: "I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry, like stone cold biatch."
    • On being a mother: "I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth and I loved it."
    • On self-image: "Whenever I look at my old pictures… I look so ugly and my eyes look weird."
    It's safe to assume that Kourtney will be a bitch for all of prosperity. Thankfully, there are about a dozen different Kardashian reality shows to capture her in all her glory!

    Thursday, October 4, 2012

    The Cult of the Other Sister

    For hours now, I have been fascinated by the societal phenomenon known as the other sister. This term refers to the sister of someone super famous and successful. The other sister is typically a major flop at life and pressed as fuck when it comes to her sister's fabulous life. I've compiled a list of the most notably pressed other sisters to help give the term legs.

    Haylie sucks in her stomach. If looking skinnier
    than Hilary is all she can get, then so be it!
    1. Haylie Duff
    Imagine being the older sister to the girl who revolutionized Disney Channel at the ripe age of 13 and remained famous well into adulthood for doing close to nothing else. This is the plight of Haylie Duff, whom you may know better as "Hilary's embarrassingly desperate sister." It's so easy to forget that Haylie is also in show business. Her career highlights include a supporting role in the overrated film Napoleon Dynamite and covering "Our Lips Are Sealed" with Hilary. Other than that, Haylie has mostly just stayed behind the scenes, writing and producing songs for her sister while Hilary soaks up all the attention and fame.

    Most of Haylie's attempts to secure acting roles have been met with the response "Oh, we thought you were Hilary. Umm. Don't call us, we'll call you." She even tried to get her own recording career started, until Paris Hilton stole her song and people decided that they just didn't want to deal with Haylie anymore. C'est la vie! Just think, Haylie, had you been born just two years later, you could have been Lizzie McGuire!

    I know what you're thinking. No, this is not
    Paris taking her horse out to the pasture.
    That's her sister, Nicky!
    2. Nicky Hilton
    Speaking of Paris Hilton, did you forget that she had a sister? I often do. In fact, the only thing I really knew about Nicky is that she got screwed in the name department. (Imagine having a sister named Paris while you're saddled with a name like Nicky, which just sounds like a bunch of gibberish!) Anyway, through my research, I learned something new: Nicky is actually younger than Paris. I always assumed she was older; she sure looks like it!

    While Paris and Nicky stumbled into the spotlight together in the early 2000s, Paris swiftly realized that Nicky was holding her back, probably because she's about as interesting as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So Paris went ahead without her sister, made a sex tape, got a reality show, and the rest is history. Nicky was so pressed that she got a quickie Las Vegas marriage in 2004, hoping to earn some attention. Her plan didn't work out, and neither did her marriage, in case you were curious, which I'm sure you weren't. It's safe to assume that Nicky will spend the rest of her life in a Hilton Hotel room while Paris bathes in the spotlight. What's funny is that the Hilton sisters also have two brothers. At least Nicky can say she's more famous than them!

    Who's that basic bitch standing next to Anne?
    3. Mary Boleyn
    Other sisters have been plaguing humanity throughout history. A really long time ago, King Henry VIII was fucking, marrying, and killing any seemingly fertile woman that came his way. One such slore was Anne Boleyn, his second wife whose marriage to Hank basically changed the face of England for all eternity. But whatever. More importantly, Anne was a grade A bitch, if her portrayal in The Other Boleyn Girl is anything to go by. #NotHereForHistoricalAccuracy Even more importantly, she had a sister named Mary, who was about as basic and pressed as they come.

    Mary tried so hard to be like Anne, but she never did anything right. Anne's coy flirting and teasing eventually got her a throne and a tiara. Meanwhile, Mary put out for any king who glanced her way and all she got were a couple of bastard children who received no special royal treatment. Mary had such severe other sister syndrome that for centuries nobody cared about her, if they even knew she existed at all. In fact, nobody even knew when the hell she was born. It was only recently that people started giving a flying fuck about her, but that's mostly because our society has gotten more interested in King Henry, Anne, and the Tudor era in general and Mary was just kind of there (not at all unlike how Kevin Jonas is just kind of there with Nick and Joe, but that's for another day). The only good thing Mary had going for her is that she didn't get her head chopped off like Anne did. Then again, what a fabulously dramatic way to peace out. You go, Anne!

    The Spears sisters before they both fucked up.
    4. Jamie Lynn Spears
    While Jamie Lynn Spears is a pressed other sister through and through, I would almost classify her as her own breed. Unlike the other basic bitches on this list, I actually like Jamie Lynn! But that doesn't change the fact that every decision she's ever made seems like a calculated plan to outshine her sister, the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Jamie Lynn has been pressed since birth, mostly due to the fact that Britney got an actual name and all she got was a hybrid of her father and mother's names (Jamie and Lynn, respectively). Then, as Britney became the greatest thing to grace this desolate planet, Jamie Lynn was like, "Wait, me too!" Here's a run down of what happened next:
    • Britney got her start on The Mickey Mouse Club, so naturally Jamie Lynn had to squeeze her way into another kid-friendly variety show. She did so in All That - not the good All That with Kenan and Kel, the really shitty one that had people like Jamie Lynn.
    • Britney blew up the music scene with jam after jam. Good ole JL knew she couldn't compete in that arena, so she took the acting route and starred in Zoey 101, which I'll admit is a classic. But it didn't last long, because...
    • Britney's life was not going so well, so Jamie Lynn decided to fuck a guy from church and birth his baby at the ripe age of 16. "Any meltdown you can do, I can do better," Jamie Lynn warned.
    • Britney proved she was stronger than yesterday with the most successful comeback this world has ever seen, so Jamie Lynn also attempted a comeback, which so far has comprised of a grassroots effort to launch a music career in Nashville. Good luck. I mean it!
    They're both flops, but only one is pressed.
     5. Ashlee Simpson
    Anybody who devotes an entire song to living in her sister's shadow is obviously pressed as fuck. While Jessica Simpson is hardly someone to be jealous of, younger sister Ashlee just can't seem to get her shit together and therefore is practically the poster child for the other sister. Her life has just been a clusterfuck of thinly veiled attempts to replicate Jessica's life. Ashlee became a "singer," just like Jessica. Ashlee became an "actress," just like Jessica. Ashlee had a reality show, just like Jessica. Ashlee's controversial nose job, which she got after making some spiel about self-image, mirrors Jessica's scrutinized weight fluctuation. Ash even demonstrated that she is just as dumb as Jessica, first when she married Pete Wentz and then when she got caught lip syncing during a performance on Saturday Night Live, did an Irish jig to distract the audience, and then blamed it all on acid reflux. Jessica has had some pretty embarrassing TV moments, but at least they were never that bad! In trying to copy her sister's every move, Ashlee proved only two things: (1) The spelling of her name is fucking disgusting; and (2) playing dumb only works for blondes. Sorry 'bout it!

    Wednesday, October 3, 2012

    Cunt of the Week: Minnie Mouse, Walt Disney's Biggest Regret

    Only a true cunt would think she could get
    away with this fugly color combo.
    Our latest Cunt of the Week is none other than Minnie Mouse. Before you ask, yes, animated characters can absolutely be cunts. In fact, cartoon cunts are oftentimes much more poisonous to the collective public sanity than real-life cunts. It's mostly due to the fact that fictional beings, especially those that are drawn, have to try so much harder to be offensive, that when they pull it off, you know they're bad news.

    The original nip slip.
    Minnie has been cunting it up since 1928, when she appeared shirtless on Steamboat Willie. For the past 80 or so year, Minerva has found many ways to express her boundless cuntitude. For starters, she's a tease. She has been leading poor Mickey on for decades now, and I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't intend on marrying him. Cunts, in their very nature, cannot make such a monogamous commitment anyway. Rather than set Mickey free so he's able to date someone who knows how to treat a mouse, Minnie keeps him under her spell. She toys with him, and just when she thinks he's coming to his senses, she does something drastic to keep him interested, like flirt with his nemesis Mortimer or change the color of her polka-dot dress. Fortunately for Minnie, Mickey is a complete dumbass, as evidenced by the fact that he found anything appealing about Minnie in the first place, so he falls for such tricks time and time again.

    Secondly, Minnie is an absolute attention whore (and just a whore in general; see below). I ask you, when's the last time you went to Disneyland without that cunt being shoved down your throat? I personally hit up the Happiest Place on Earth last week, and lemme tell ya, I was not happy when I saw Minnie FOUR times in FOUR different locations, each time in a DIFFERENT outfit. We get it! You're here. And you have an extensive wardrobe. We don't give a fuck. Go home and stop perverting the nation's youth by hiking up your skirt while signing autographs, you little slut!

    WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! What kind of cartoon
    mouse poses for this?!
    Minnie's inability to refrain from being the center of attention at all times comes at a price. Daisy Duck, whom Minnie calls a friend but treats like shit, is consequently no where to be found. She's not in the parks, she's not on the merchandise; hell, she's barely in the cartoons! Daisy has been left in the dust, tragically so, but do you think her "best friend" Minnie gives a fuck? Absolutely not. A cunt like Minnie has no time for friendship, especially if it might lead to competition for the public's attention. Let's face it: all red-blooded Americans would prefer Daisy's fabulous bitchery to Minnie's Lolita bullshit. Sadly, most Americans probably don't even know who Daisy is. And for that we can blame Minnie. #TeamDaisy

    Finally and most importantly, Minnie's voice alone makes her a cunt. I mean, seriously. Minnie's voice sounds like the noise a coked-up Snow White would make if she were getting fondled by Dopey. It's not pleasant to listen to, yet Minnie insists on talking non-fucking-stop. It's almost as bad as a Rihanna song in how much it makes you want to cut off your ears.

    It's behavior like this that makes Minnie a complete and utter cunt. If you're still not convinced, I'll leave you with this video, which sums up in three minutes just how much of a cunt she is. Not only does Minnie open up a fucking bow shop, but she manages to make Daisy's birthday all about her, and she is also able to magically hang shit that even the tallest person in the room can't. Walt would be turning in his grave if he knew the kind of shit Minnie was pulling these days. Seriously, what a cunt.