Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.
  1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
  2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
  3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
  4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
  5. Gluten-free health shit.
  6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
  7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
  8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
  9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
  10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
  11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
  12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
  13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
  14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
  15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
  16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
  17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
  18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
  19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
  20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks
Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

2013: A Year in Review

As we close out another year, it's important to celebrate the past twelve months we've spent with Tommy Time. Without further ado, here are your Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year for 2013, as voted by you faithful readers...

Jam of the Year

It's no surprise that One Direction takes home the title, but it's puzzling that their new singles "Best Song Ever" and "Story of My Life", which were both nominated, were beat out by this album cut. Still, "Rock Me" is an epic and timeless jam full of thinly-veiled sexual innuendos. Doing us dirty proud, boys!

Cunt of the Year

Lady Gaga is, without a doubt, the biggest cunt in the music industry. Thankfully, you all recognized it. Together, we saw through the elaborate makeup, meat dresses, and equality anthems and saw this mediocre song-stealer for what she truly is. May all of Artpop's commercial and critical shortcomings haunt Lady Gag-me for all eternity.

Bitch of the Year

It's with an almost prohibitive reluctance that I thrust this honorable title among Jennifer Lawrence. As the comments on her Bitch of the Week post indicate, many readers fail to understand that the title is a sacred and celebratory one. Thus, I have no idea how those who voted for JLaw actually feel about her. That issue aside, Jennifer's saucy attitude and legend-in-the-making status are more than enough to secure the title. Well done!

And now, just for the sake of nostalgia, here are the most-viewed Tommy Time posts from 2013.
  1. Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano
  2. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210
  3. Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber
  4. Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence
  5. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends
  6. Where Are They Now?: Lalaine
  7. Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck
  8. Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch
  9. This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato
  10. Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nuh! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #11

"I really wanna lose 3 pounds."

Thing I Love #11: Bitch Cliques

Not in real life, of course. That shit can get annoying. But there's nothing more delicious than watching a pack of manipulative, self-serving bitches light up the screen. Whether it be the Pink Ladies, the Heathers, or the Plastics, there's no shortage of inspiration.

Are you really surprised, though? This blog celebrates the bitchiest of the bitches.

Thing I Hate #11: Assigned Reading

In high school, assigned reading was all about boring-ass novels that nobody liked, and if someone said they did, they were lying. In college, assigned reading is all about text books and shit. I don't have time for either, so I would appreciate it if teachers adjusted their expectations based around my schedule and willingness to put in effort. Thanks!

Jam of the Week: "Human" by Christina Perri

If you can gleam anything from "Jar of Hearts" and that Twilight song, it's that Christina Perri has a musical formula that works and she sticks to it. Whether or not that's a good thing is for you to decide.

But the Jam of the Week? That's for me to decide. And this week, it goes to Christina's latest single "Human", a song about, well, being human. She sings about being capable of intense love but of the occasional mistake as well.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Love Don't Die" by the Fray

Remember the Fray? Surely you do. "How to Save a Life" was basically the world's anthem back in the day. But you might not know that they're still making music. Well, they are! And their newest single, "Love Don't Die", is the Jam of the Week.

Lone gone are the band's signature piano ballads. "Love Don't Die" is a grimy, Southern rock-infused number that makes you feel like you've just stepped foot in a seedy dive bar. It's too fun and worth a listen! But then again, what Jam of the Week isn't?

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Scooby Doo

You wanna solve mysteries? You betta work, bitch!

While the Scooby Doo franchise has been reincarnated countless times for each generation, nothing quite beats the show that started it all: Scooby Doo, Where Are You?

From the instantly recognizable theme song to the five protagonists who would eventually become some of the most prolific cartoon characters of all time, this incredibly formulaic series was a staple in my childhood and continues to be a major part of my life.

The show focused on Mystery, Incorporated: leader and Rube Goldberg aficionado Fred Jones; chic and vain Daphne Blake; homely and intelligent Velma Dinkley; cowardly and hungry Shaggy Rogers; and, of course, Scooby, the dog with a speech impediment.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Cannonball" by Lea Michele

I've been waiting five years for Lea Michele to launch a solo career and that time has FINALLY come. Glee's leading lady has been working on her debut album for over a year now, and if its lead single and Jam of the Week, "Cannonball", is any indication, it's going to be amazing.

Lyrically, "Cannonball" is similar to "Roar", "Firework", and a slew of other Katy Perry songs in that it speaks about self-empowerment. But while Katy's songs are vague pick-me-ups, Leas "Cannonball" definitely seems to be about her overcoming her grief after Cory Monteith's death. It's spectacular, even if she does pronounce "cannon" a little oddly.

Have this ish on repeat.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Beauty and the Beast

  1. Beauty and the Beast is the first animated Disney film to use a screenwriter, rather than using the traditional process of developing the story from storyboards. Linda Woolverton was selected to write the script. It was her first film, and her most prolific prior credits were writing episodes of Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers.
  2. Attempts to develop the famous fairy tale into a Disney movie date back to the 1930s after the success of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Additional efforts were made in the 1950s, but the story proved too challenging for Disney's writers.
  3. Jodi Benson, who voices Ariel in The Little Mermaid, was strongly considered to play Belle, but Broadway actress Paige O'Hara was cast instead, as the filmmakers wanted their heroine to sound more like a woman than a girl.
  4. Beauty and the Beast was the first animated film to be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture, but it lost to Silence of the Lambs. Since then, only Up and Toy Story 3 have scored nominations in that category.
  5. The film was also the first animated movie to gross more than $100 million at the box office.
  6. Regis Philbin auditioned for the role of the Beast.
  7. "Be Our Guest" was originally going to be sung to Maurice, not Belle, until producers decided it was too good to be wasted on a secondary character.
  8. The monstrous sculptures that adorn the castle are actually inspired by early concept art for the Beast's character design.
  9. The film's title song was originally written as a rock song. It was rewritten into the romantic ballad for Angela Lansbury, who voiced Mrs. Potts, but she was hesitant to record it because she felt like she was not suitable. Ultimately, she recorded it in one take.
  10. Julie Andrews was the first choice to play Mrs. Potts, while Cogsworth was written specifically for John Cleese, who turned down the role.
  11. Howard Ashman and Alan Menken, who have penned some of Disney's biggest songs, worried that their work on Beauty and the Beast would end their careers at Disney, as they opted to go against the successful pop formula of The Little Mermaid's soundtrack in favor of a more Broadway-style of songwriting.
  12. Paige O'Hara and Robby Benson, who voiced the Beast, recorded their dialog together to enhance their performances, even though this is more costly in both time and money.
  13. Originally, Chip had only one line in the entire film. Producers liked Bradley Pierce's voice so much that they expanded his role. (I don't know, I feel like one line would have been plenty.) A musical box character who could only communicate through music notes was cut as a result.
  14. Belle and the Beast's Prince Adam's finale dance in the film uses recycled animated from Aurora and Phillip's finale dance in Sleeping Beauty. This was done because the filmmakers were running out of time.
  15. Belle's character design was inspired by Julie Andrews' appearance in The Sound of Music and Judy Garland's appearance in The Wizard of Oz.
  16. Many dark scenes, including one in which Gaston visits an asylum and the Beast drags the carcass of a dead animal behind him, were cut from the film.
  17. Jackie Chan voices the Beast in the Chinese dubbed version of the film.
  18. Paige O'Hara concerned producers when she actually began sobbing while recording her dialog during the Beast's "death" scene.
  19. The Broadway musical version of the film is the eighth-longest running Broadway show of all time, racking up over 5,000 performances from its debut in 1994 to its closure in 2007.
  20. In 2011, Disney replaced Paige O'Hara as the voice of Belle with Julie Nathanson. O'Hara was greatly upset by the news, but admitted that it had become increasingly difficult to perform the part because of the way her voice has changed over the 20 years.

Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Monday, December 9, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Say Something" by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

The reigning Jam of the Week might seem mellow, but it's a jam no less. "Say Something" is the breakout hit of indie band A Great Big World. It's all about a reluctant break-up in which the singer begs his lover to "say something, I'm giving up on you."

The original version features just the band itself, but Christina Aguilera's presence on the re-release is what made the song such a big hit, and that's the version that wears the Jam of the Week crown.

One big question this song begs: is Christina's solo career over? Her last biggest hits, "Moves Like Jagger" and now this song, were with other bands, and neither Bionic or Lotus yielded any smashes. Just saying...

Friday, December 6, 2013

Bitch of the Week: The Girls Next Door


Bitch of the Week is traditionally awarded to one individual, but this week, the title is shared amongst a group of fierce bitches, the Girls Next Door. No, not the "cool babysitty" who lived kitty corner from you. I'm talking about the blindingly blonde, big breasted, bimbo brained Playboy bunnies that starred on the reality show The Girls Next Door.

The show followed Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends and their exploits while living in the Playboy Mansion. They were basically sorority girls who refused to grow up, but while that kind of shit annoys me to end, it totally works here. Let's take a closer look at the girls, shall we?

She knows all the tricks.

Firstly there's Holly Madison, Hef's number one girl (or former number one, but we'll get into that later). She's blonde and enjoys being domestic. It was obvious she didn't like sharing her "Puffin" with the other girls, but hey, she's the one that "got" to sleep in his bed. After the show ended, Holly revealed that she and Hef had been broken up for someone and maintained a fake relationship for the cameras. She then moved to Las Vegas, headlines her own burlesque show on the strip as well as her own reality show, and is now a mother.

Pretty much my mantra.

Then there's Bridget Marquardt, who is also blonde. As the "smart" one (she went to college or something), she's pretty fucking stupid. But that's fine, because she is also hilarious, but definitely the least famous girlfriend. Once she got the opportunity to film Bridget's Sexiest Beaches around the world, she was out of that mansion faster than you can say "c'mon ta my house, to my house, I'm gonna give you ca-an-dy!" Maybe she was the smart one!


Lastly but not leastly, there's Kenda Wilkinson, the youngest and blondest of the girls. She marches to the beat of her own drummer and often think she's black. It's quite entertaining, and once she ditched Hef for hubby Hank Baskett, she continued her cray antics on her own show. She's now a mother, too. In fact, she might have two children.

So what makes these girls so wonderfully bitchy? Well, they made a fortune off of being pretty. They can't act, they can't sing, and they can't even really call themselves credible reality stars, because they never seemed in on the joke. They were simply good looking enough to enter the intriguing world of the Playboy Mansion, which then made them celebrities.

And what could be more bitchy than that? If you can make hella coinage for doing close to nothing, you are everything Bitch of the Week stands for. So well done, Holly, Bridget, and Kenda. Bitch on, ladies!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Merida

If you had the chance to be a cunt, wouldja?

The general public seems genuinely incapable of finding anything wrong with Pixar films, but let me assure you, the flaws are rampant. So in the summer of 2012, when I wasted 93 fucking minutes of my precious time watching the studio's "next hit" Brave, I was beyond pissed. The film, heralded as Pixar's first with a female lead, sucked some serious ass. There was hardly any plot, the antagonist was almost non-existent, and the main character was a cunt for the books.

Merida is a 16-year-old Scottish princess who prefers to run around in the dirt rather than live a life of luxury. So essentially, right off the bat, this bitch is on my bad side. When she's not busy playing bow and arrow, she likes defying her parents by refusing to get married. Considering this movie is practically set in the beginning of time, and pretty much every other Disney princess gets married at 16, I don't know what the fuck her problem is. Sure, maybe she's a free spirit. But she's also a fucking princess with an entire fucking kingdom to rule. She has certain responsibilities. Rebelling against those responsibilities and putting her own desires ahead of the good of the people doesn't make her a powerful woman, it makes her a selfish, raging cunt.

So then Merida decides, Fine, if I can't have my way, I'll just place a fucking curse on my mom. So she wanders around the woods, following some gross floating blobs of light, and stumbles upon a witch (an elderly Boo, if you're one of those Pixar conspiracy theorists). She asks the witch to change her mother's mind, but instead, the curse turns the Queen into a monstrous bear, which just so happens to resemble the creature that once attacked the family and ate off the King's leg. Awesome. Way to go, Merida!

The rest of the movie revolves around Merida's slapstick attempt to keep her mother's transformation a secret. In short, it's basically an elongated, bad episode of Wizards of Waverly Place, but at least the Disney sitcom had the always delightful Selena Gomez to keep me entertained. Merida is far from delightful.

Somehow the curse is broken. I forget how. Who cares? It culminates in a nude mother-daughter scene. And Merida is fucking celebrated for all the fuckery she caused. OKAY. Because that's fair.

I personally prefer the "After."

As if the movie wasn't bad enough, controversy arouse when Merida was redesigned upon her induction into the Disney Princess line-up. (You can see the comparison above.) Critics noted that she was made skinnier and just generally sexier. Feminists flipped their shit. Now I consider myself a feminist, but this is a fucking CARTOON CHARACTER people!! Jesus Christ. The amount of drama this animated redheaded shit managed to start just proves what a cunt she is.

Here's hoping there's never a fucking Brave 2 or I will flip my shit.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Love Is Everything" by Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande is sitting pretty at the top of the world. Her hit song, "The Way" with Mac Miller, dominated the radio this summer, and now she's being groomed to be the next Mariah Carey. So it's no wonder she wasted no time releasing new music.

The Nickelodeon star just released two Christmas songs. One is a cover of "Last Christmas" that I'm still making my mind up about; the other is "Love Is Everything", a fun urban song full of holiday cheer. It's such a jingle jam. Listen for yourself!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #10

I'd put a picture of the actual Bonnie & Clyde, but they frighten me.

Thing I Love #10: Bonnie & Clyde-Themed Songs

Bonnie and Clyde may have been terrible people (and awful bank robbers, as it turns out), but there's no denying that their legacy is purely fascinating. Countless fictional portrayals aside, I love when songs reference the dynamic duo. We all know Jay-Z and Beyoncé's "03 Bonnie & Clyde", but what about more subtle allusions, like Britney's "Criminal"? Mama, I'm in love with a criminal...

Thing I Hate #10: Loud Eaters

I'm sorry, are you chewing gum or firing a machine gun? Is that a cookie you're eating or a block of fucking cement? Ladies and gentlemen, close your damn mouths and minimize the amount I have to hear you satiate your appetite, because it really makes me lose mine.  

Friday, November 29, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Kitty Wilde

Full time diva.

The third season finale of Glee was a sad one, indeed. The show was barely on solid ground and it was about to go through a major rehaul that could make or break it. Half the New Directions graduated and departed for parts unknown. Finn forced Rachel to leave him behind and follow her dreams to New York while he enlisted in the army; she obliged because she knew it was time. At the time, nobody knew quite what it meant. Who was staying with the show? How would we keep up with characters who were dispersed across the country? But for me, the most important question was, will we keep Quinn Fabray?

The answer was, essentially, no. Dianna Agron reprised her devious role a meager three times in the fourth season and, in the midst of rumors that her frequent challenging of the show's creative direction got her ousted by head honcho Ryan Murphy, she hasn't been seen since. Unacceptable. BUT, thankfully the creative team behind Glee has realized they can't go far without a blonde, bitchy cheerleader in their ring.

Enter Kitty Wilde. Upon her debut in the season four premiere, Kitty is described a young Quinn Fabray, "except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair." And indeed, she's a lot like Quinn. Dare I say, she's better? She's a thousand times meaner and can sing a hell of a lot more than Q.

At first, Kitty's friends with the glee kids, who are finally popular after winning nationals. But when they realize what a fabulous bitch she is, the pussies peace out. Whatever. Kitty don't care. She's got hottie Jake Puckerman on her arms. Until he leaves her for that cunt Marley for the same reasons her friends ditched her.

Kitty doesn't take this kind of bullshit sitting down and does what any bitch would. Step 1: repeatedly alter Marley's costumes for the school musical so that she'll think she's gaining weight. Step 2: suggest an eating disorder as a cure. And so continues the bulimia-induced love triangle that, unfortunately, Kitty doesn't win. But kudos to her for scoring glee alum Puck.

Eventually, the writers decided that Kitty shouldn't be a total raging bitch, so they softened her up a bit, paired her with Artie the paraplegic, and made her a supportive friend. I didn't like any of these changes, but I'm grateful that Kitty still retains her quick wit and bitchy quip. Here are some of my favorites:
  • "My iced latte is too cold."
  • "We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew."
  • "The Left Behind Club accepts everyone, even losers and lezzies."
  • "See, [Jesus has] got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody."
  • "To quote Shakespeare, 'There's no small parts, only fat actresses.'"
  • "Now excuse me because just thinking about me and you dating makes me dryer than the cast of Hot in Cleveland."

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?
I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.
Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.
The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"
Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.
I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.
Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.
The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.
There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.
All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’
Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.
I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.
And some more...
Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 
David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?
No! Fuck no! He's so gross.
There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.
As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:
I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.
Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Britney Jean is Triumphant

Since announcing her eighth album, Britney Spears has promised that it would be her most personal one yet. With this reputation preceding it, one would expect Britney Jean to delve intimately into her public meltdown or divulge juicy details behind her split from Jason Trawick earlier this year, but that's not the case. The album is not an autobiography; instead, it's a musical experimentation on which Britney takes risks and distances herself from her previous body of work.

At this point in her career, Britney has nothing to prove. While pop tarts like Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Miley Cyrus compete to be the raunchiest and most provocative singer out there, concurrently letting whatever talent they have fall to the wayside, Britney is letting her music speak for itself, completely gimmick-free.

Britney Jean is very much like the singer's other self-titled album, Britney (2001), in that it's a transitional album. But while her third album took the "not yet a girl, not yet a woman" from teen queen to the dance diva, delivering club-ready jams with which she has since become synonymous, Britney Jean exposes a vulnerable, more mature side of the icon that could signify a major turning point in her career. It fits, given that she'll turn 32 the day before the album's December 3 release.

The album opens up with an airy mid-tempo called "Alien", one of its strongest tracks. "There was a time I was one of a kind/Lost in a world of me, myself, and I," she coos at the beginning of the space-age song. Upon first listen, "Alien" seems to talk about Britney finding herself in a lover, but the track could easily be a commentary on the singer's fame. After all, what Britney album would be complete without its own "Lucky" or "Piece of Me"?

Singles "Work Bitch" and "Perfume" follow the opener, and their interaction speaks to the album's versatility. The former is an aggressive, bass-heavy club banger devoid of any melodic substance; the latter is a vulnerable 80s-inspired ballad about insecurity and jealousy in a relationship. Together, they span the diverse pop spectrum Britney has covered in her career, but still manage to be fresh and unlike anything the singer has put out before or anything you're likely to hear on the radio.

The next track, "It Should Be Easy", marks the third time Britney has teamed up with will.i.am. The robotic dance song is fun and surprisingly sentimental, but it also proves that the two singers are quickly becoming a tiresome duo.

The fifth song, the T.I.-assisted "Tik Tik Boom", is energizing and extremely catchy; in short, it's a true jam. When Britney harps, "Not too slow and not too quick/Baby make me tik tik boom!", the song immediately demands radio airplay. "Body Ache", crafted by David Guetta, is the perfect successor. It's a simmering mid-tempo on which Britney wants to dance to the night away.

"Til It's Gone", another top speed dance song, is probably the most forgettable song on the album, especially as it follows two prime dance tracks that leaves it in the dust. "Passenger", the guitar-driven, Katy Perry-penned track, follows. Britney letting her hair down while her lover take the wheel: "I've never been a passenger, no/But we'll see more without a map." There's so much potential in this song; not only could it be a hit single, but it could open the door for a pop-rock oriented album in the future.

One of the most bizarre tracks on the album is "Chillin' With You", Britney's duet with sister Jamie Lynn. It's equal parts synthetic and twangy, a unique combination that stands out, but probably not in the way it's supposed to. "Don't Cry", which opens with a haunting Western whistle, closes the album as Britney bids her lover a last goodbye. Still, it's hard not to think of this song as Britney's farewell to her fans. "Pack my bags, can't take no more/Adios, I'm out the door/Hide your tears and dry your eyes/Cause I don't wanna see you cry," she sings. With her Las Vegas residency, we shouldn't expect another album from Britney for another few years, but a longer hiatus wouldn't come as a surprise.

At 10 tracks, the standard edition of Britney Jean is much too short. But every song is unique in its own right, and together, they prove that a legend of Britney's standing doesn't need to cater to the demands of the beat-hungry public. This isn't the album of a pop star, this is the album of a true artist.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Princesses

Disney's Frozen will hit theaters this holiday weekend, and its two protagonists, Anna and Elsa, will then be inducted into the over-exploited-yet-somehow-still-prestigious Disney Princess line. These bitches are gonna bring the total to 13 motherfucking princesses. Yeah, and in case you're wondering, Merida is in the fucking line-up.

Let's be honest. That shit is begging to be ranked. So, without further ado, here are Tommy Time's picks for the top 5 Disney Princesses.

5.  Cinderella

Even though people like to argue that personality didn't exist in a Disney princess pre-1989, Cinderella was being sassy as fuck way back in the 50s. Girlfriend did her chores, but always with a biting sass and defiance that just lit up the room. Not to mention she was always looking out for the underdog and talked smack behind everybody's back. Well done, C!

4. Ariel

Flippin' your fins might not get you that far, but it sure makes for a bitchin' good time! As fickle and gullible as she may be, she knows how to have a good time, seahorsin' around and shit. She's always dta (down to adventure) and she still manages to be somewhat fun in the sequel, even though she has Melody as a cunt of a daughter.

3. Tiana

Fuck southern hospitality! With Tiana, you'll get a cup of truth tea so hot it'll burn the roof of your mouth. Coming in at number 3 is the frog princess herself. Even though I totally objected to her amphibian form, Tiana is like the Belle 2.0, because she discovers the value of inner beauty and all that shit, but she neither willingly sell her freedom for men nor engages in bestiality.

2. Jasmine

While I struggle to relate to Jasmine's desire to be poor, I can definitely get on board with her sass. She walks around with her fucking pet tiger, totally owning her body like #whowantsit, but doesn't let men treat her like a prize to be won! On top of all that, she has a flying carpet and a genie at her disposal, so she can pretty much just do whatever the fuck she wants.

1. Aurora

Every modern-day feminist claims that Aurora is too passive, but let's be fucking real for a second. Aurora is the alpha bitch in terms of Disney characters. She's blonde, beautiful, and royal as fuck. But she also lived the first 16 years of her life in seclusion and poverty, meaning she's also humble. And can we just acknowledge that she nabbed the hottest prince and gets to spend all her time sleeping? Don't hate her cuz you ain't her, biiiitch.

And there you have it: the only ranking that matters. Here's hoping that Anna and Elsa give these girls a run for their money!

Jam of the Week: "Work" by Iggy Azalea

While I love Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, I wasn't feeling her latest effort, "Work", until I saw Selena Gomez perform it live in concert. Then I went back and listened to the song again and fell in love. Once again, Iggy comes off as a less glittery Ke$ha (which is a compliment!) as she sings about her teenage years living away from her family while trying her hand at rap.

It's the perfect jam to listen to while you're work-work-work-work-working on your shit.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Jam of the Week: "4 Carats" by Kelly Clarkson

As we get closer to the holiday season, I think it's time to ring in Christmas with some carols and shit. Kelly Clarkson recently dropped her new Christmas album, Wrapped in Red, and boy does it have some holiday jams. My personal favorite is "4 Carats", which is like a combo of "Santa Baby" and "Material Girl" by Madonna.

In the song, Kelly asks Santa to bring her some bling: "Oh my diamond ring/Just a little something from Tiffany's/Or a big ruby/You know red has always looked good on me."

Because, at the end of the day, we know that's what the holidays are all about!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #9

I hope one of the birds shits on her.

Thing I Love #9: Christmas Albums

Whether you believe Christmas music should only be listened to on the actual holiday or you blast that merry music the day after Halloween, there's no denying that feeling of cheer it brings you. While the first Glee Christmas album remains my all-time favorite, this holiday season I've been digging Kelly Clarkson's Wrapped in Red.

Thing I Hate #9: Sofia the First

If you're unfamiliar with who the fuck Sofia the First is, consider yourself lucky. This miserable little brat is Disney's latest effort to completely tarnish their princess franchise. Sofia is a princess-in-training, if you will, and her television series focuses on her learning how to be royalty, with the occasional support of the real Disney princesses like Cinderella and Belle. Not only is Sofia annoying as all shit, but she's also supposed to be the first Latina princess. You look at that pale-ass skin and blue eyes and tell me if that shit's Latina.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Rugrats


  1. Rugrats was created in 1989 by Gábor Csupó and Arlene Klasky, who were animators for The Simpsons at the time. The based the show's concepts off of their observations of their own children and submitted it to Nickelodeon, which had just announced their own line of animated shows called Nicktoons. "Tommy Picks and the Great White Thing", the original, unaired pilot only featured Tommy, Phil, and Lil. Chuckie and Angelica were added as characters when the show debuted in 1991.
  2. The show debuted alongside Doug and The Ren & Stimpy Show, making it one of three original Nicktoons. Rugrats is the only one of the bunch not to have eventually gone to another network; Doug was aquired by Disney and a raunchier version of Ren & Stimpy made its way to MTV.
  3. Klasky often felt that the Angelica character was too mean and that the babies acted too old for their age, which created tension between her and the series writers. Csupó often acted a mediator, but the writers usually won out. Klasky would often call upon child psychologists to work on the show. The writers mocked her actions by introducing Dr. Lipschitz, whom the parent characters often refer to.
  4. Steven Spielberg called Rugrats "sort of a TV Peanuts of our time," citing it as one of the best animated programs of all time.
  5. The series is a four-time Emmy winner and a five-time nominee.
  6. In 1994, after 65 episodes, Rugrats was effectively canceled. Two specials aired between 1995 and 1996, "Passover" and "A Rugrats Chanukah", both of which received critical acclaim. This prompted Nickelodeon to renew the series and commission the first film. Rugrats returned to television in 1997 and The Rugrats Movie was released the following year.
  7. Reptar, a dinosaur character who appears in various forms throughout the series and its films, was introduced in part as a social commentary of the increasing influence of Japanese pop culture in children's entertainment. 
  8. There's a popular internet conspiracy theory that states the baby characters are all figments of Angelica's imagination. According to the theory, Tommy was a stillborn, and Stu now spends all his time in the basement, designing toys for the kid he never had. Chuckie died along with his mother, which is why Chaz is such a mess. Betty had a miscarriage; Angelica wasn't sure if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl, so she made both Phil and Lil.
  9. Early episodes imply that Chuckie's mother is alive. It isn't until the 1997 Mother's Day episode that it's established she died.
  10. The Rugrats never age, but over the course of the show, they celebrate 3 Christmases, 1 Chanukah, 1 Kwanza, 2 Halloweens, 1 Thanksgiving, and 1 Valentine's Day.
  11. Though All Grown Up is the only spin-off that made it to air, there were actually two others planned. The first was one that would follow the family of Susie Carmichael as they move to Atlanta #slightracism, but it was never picked up. The second, Preschool Daze, focused on Angelica and Susie's (you guessed it!) preschool days. Four episodes were produced in a notably different animation style, but the series was eventually shelved. The episodes were eventually released on DVD.
  12. Dionne Kwan, who voices Kimi Finster, is legally blind, and thus her scripts were written in Braille.
  13. In the series, it is stated that Tommy was born early.
  14. Chuckie's appearance is based on Mark Mothersbaugh, who composed the music for the series.
  15. Amanda Bynes had a recurring role in the later episodes of the series as Taffy, the babysitter.
  16. Rugrats Go Wild, the third film and cross-over with The Wild Thornberries, was originally going to be a three-part TV special, but it was shelved and redeveloped as a feature film.
  17. Rugrats aired its 172nd and final episode on June 8, 2004, making it the longest running Nicktoon until SpongeBob SquarePants aired its 173rd episode. #nothereforthat
  18. In 2002, TV Guide ranked Angelica as the seventh best cartoon character of all time, putting her above the likes of Bart Simpson and Mickey Mouse.
  19. Rugrats is the first and so far only Nickelodeon series to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
  20. From 1997 to 2001, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade featured a Rugrats balloon of Tommy and Chuckie mounted on Spike. It was the first balloon in parade history to feature three characters, as well as Nickelodeon's first balloon in the parade.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Story of My Life" by One Direction

One Direction is back, y'all! And this time, they're getting super emotional.

"Story of My Life" is the band's latest single, off their upcoming album Midnight Memories omgicantwait. I've always preferred their faster songs, but this mid-tempo jam is simply to die for.

The song is all about that extra baggage we carry around and how the ones we love might not be able to handle it. It's deeper and more cynical than their previous work. Our boys are growing up!

Enjoy the song AND the music video, which is adorable and sad at the same time.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Perfume" by Britney Spears

Sorry if you're still recovering from "Work Bitch" slaying your life but Britney is back and she's going to bulldoze you with more jams! Girlfriend just dropped "Perfume", the second single off her upcoming album Britney Jean.

Britney promised this album would be her most personal yet, and "Perfume" seems to be a step in the right direction. Co-written by Britney and Sia, the song is dripping in paranoia and insecurity, as the singer worries that her man's ex is moving in on him.

"I hide it well, hope you can't tell, but I hope she smells my perfume," Britney sings flawlessly while making history for being fucking unstoppable and you cry because it's so beautiful and you'll never do anything as great with your life.

Now that the song's out, we can look forward to the new music video #hellaFantasyproductplacement! And of course Britney Jean, which drops on December 3!!

Blessed be this song!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Tina Cohen-Chang

#notcute #tryingtoohard

Gleeks are quite possibly the hardest television fans to satisfy. In fact, nobody hates Glee more than gleeks. If you peruse through the interwebs, you'll find a myriad of complaints about the show. And as expected (or not, depending on how you look at it), a lot of them have to do with the Cunt of the Week, Tina Cohen-Chang. Why doesn't Tina have more solos? They've ruined Tina's character! She never gets any screen time. Blah blah fucking blah!

When the show begins, Tina is a friendless Asian goth who sings "I Kissed a Girl" and pulls a pelvic thrust/thigh slap during her audition for the glee club. Okay, that's fine. She gets in and starts speaking with a stutter. Again, it's whatever, neither here nor there. But then, Tina starts dating Artie, the paraplegic, and reveals that she doesn't actually have a stutter, and simply used it to keep others at bay. Artie breaks up with her but they reconcile. Soon after, she became a martyr for dressing however you want at McKinley. At this point, I was over Tina. But she wasn't a cunt. She was innocuous. She was, as Sue Sylvester put it, the Asian. And we were all fine with that.

It's not until the second season when she starts showing her true colors (lolz, a joke for gleeks). Her wardrobe goes from goth to punk. She breaks up with Artie and starts dating "other Asian," Mike Chang. By the third season, she's dressing like a fucking gogo dancer and bitches non-stop about not getting any solos. She constantly antagonizes the true star, Rachel Berry, though they become friends right before Rachel graduates. I know what you're thinking. What gives Tina the right to be such a heartbreaker?

In the fourth season, Tina's cuntitude is in full force. She literally bitches non-stop about solos and roles in musicals and all this other bullshit. Then she falls in love with Blaine, a very openly gay glee club member. On one hand, it's like, girl we've all been there. Who hasn't fallen for someone who couldn't possibly reciprocate the feeling? On the other hand, get it the fuck together, Tina. He's gay and wears bowties to school. Luckily, Tina eventually accepts this and settles for being his friend.

In the fifth season, Tina campaigns for prom queen but is total fucking cunt about it. She turns down a charitable invite to the dance by resident hottie Sam simply because he wasn't nominated for king. She's awful, which is why when she gets Carried and a bloody red slushi gets dumped on her when she accepts her crown, it's hard to feel bad for her. And after Finn dies (RIP Cory Monteith!), and Tina's biggest problem is she doesn't want to wear black to mourn the loss because she worked so hard to move past her goth days, you just want to cut the bitch.

Don't get me wrong. While I hate Tina, I feel bad for Jenna Ushkowitz, the actress who plays her. Jenna was one of the original cast members, and not only does she get shoved into the background more and more each time a new cast member is added, but they made her character a spiteful, callous cunt. Luckily the bitch is supposed to graduate soon, and we might finally be rid of Tina once and for all. One Glee problem down, 417 more to go.

Monday, October 28, 2013

It's Britney, Witch!

Britney Spears participated this GIF-tastic Halloween video and it's #lulz all around.

Jam of the Week: "Still Into You" by Paramore

I've always hated Paramore because Hayley Williams is an annoying troll and the band is indirectly responsible for tainting the first Glee tribute episode to Britney Spears. I wasn't even really sure what their music was... I knew they had a song in Twilight, and that's hardly a recommendation.

BUT they've finally crossed over to Top 40 radio, and that's something that gets my attention. "Still Into You" is all about a love that shouldn't work but does. It has hardcore Paramore fans split, but it definitely gets the Tommy Time seal of approval. #Jam

Friday, October 25, 2013

Bitch of the Week: The Daughters of Triton

Strength in numbers.

With each passing day, it seems like the public fascination with Disney Princesses grows by two-fold. And don't get me wrong, I support that shit. But what about those Disney characters who are just as deserving of all the love? Specifically, what about the other princesses who are often ignored simply because they aren't part of the official line up? More specifically, what about the Daughters of King Triton?

As Ariel's other sisters, these six mermaids are all at least one step closer to the throne than Ariel, and are therefore are a little more royal than Ariel. But nobody cares because they don't have an interest in the human world. I bet they have pretty cool hobbies, but we'll never find out.

So what makes Aquata, Arista, Andrina, Atina, Alana, and Adella Bitch of the Week material? Well, let's start with their fun-as-fuck musical number in The Little Mermaid. It may be brief, but it shows that they all yearn for the limelight and command the stage, both of which are important traits for BoWs.

Secondly, there's their general appearance. Not to throw any shade at Ariel or anything, but girlfriend does not know how to match her shells to her fin. At least her sisters have that shit on lock, and they style their hair with chic sea accessories, something Ariel could also benefit from.

Over the years, we've learned a lot about these sisters, and much of that information contradicts one another. The eldest sister changes so often it's hard to keep track of, not that we can really remember which one is which anyway. The animated TV series randomly made one of the sisters overweight.

And The Little Mermaid 3: Ariel's Beginning really fucked things up when it attempted to give the sisters individual personalities. I mean, it was fun to learn that one of them is boy crazy and another doesn't like to dance, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. I want to know what makes these girls tick. What are their insecurities? What are their talents aside from singing? Were any of them touched as children? (It may seem irreverent, but it is important!)

While we'll never learn the answers to these questions, we can still celebrate what we know about these girls, which is that they are simply the bitchiest mermaids around. Ariel knew she couldn't take the heat so she got out of the ocean. Bow down to the Daughters of Triton!

Monday, October 21, 2013

This or That (or That): The Miley/Demi/Selena Showdown of 2013

They're all pretty fucking content with themselves.

So basically for like all of 2013, I've been talking about how pretty much every pop princess is doing whatever it takes to be alpha bitch of the music scene. And while Britney is going to slay all these bitches come December 3, one cannot deny that there are several contenders deserving of second place.

Three horses in the running — Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez —are also involved in their own competition (or so I'd like to think) to see who can come out as the most successful Disney star. So, in a special edition of This or That, let's take a closer to look to see who came out on top.

Jam of the Week: "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry

Katy Perry's third album (fourth, if you count her Jesus freak album that sold 100 copies) Prism drops tomorrow, and while lead single "Roar" quickly lost its novelty and promo tracks like "Dark Horse" and "Walking On Air" failed to impress altogether, the latest song to debut off the album has just what it takes to be a Jam of the Week.

"Unconditionally", said to have been inspired by John Mayer, is all about loving someone uninhibitedly. As per usual, Katy hardly offers anything new or groundbreaking, but it's still a fun song to listen to! Unfortunately, the amazing song comes coupled with a ratchet lyric video that's trying too hard to be simplistic and lesbian-friendly. Just ignore that and focus on the music!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Batman

  1. Though Bob Kane is credited with the creation of the Batman character, his right-hand man Bill Finger actually came up with the idea. Kane often relied on Finger to do most of the work and never received credit. Eventually, Finger left Kane's employment and worked for DC Comics directly and created characters like the Green Lantern.
  2. Batman debuted in 1939, but key elements of his mythos came later. The city of Gotham City was introduced in 1940 (with Batman having previously lived in Superman's Metropolis or just New York City), the Bat-Signal didn't come until 1942, and the Batcave finally made its first appearance in 1948.
  3. While Batman is known for never killing anyone or using firearms, the character did both in his early years.
  4. Robin was originally supposed to be a one-time character, but his debut issue in 1940 sold double what a typical issue sold, so they kept Robin around.
  5. Batgirl was created specifically for the 1960s TV show. Producers requested that the comic books come up with a female counterpart to the Caped Crusader, who they could then use in the show, which was in dire need of a ratings boost. The character appeared in both mediums in 1967. Her popularity on the TV show was impressive enough to almost get her a spin-off series, but couldn't save the show itself. It was canceled in 1978.
  6. In 2012, Forbes estimated Bruce Wayne's fortune at $6.9 billion, making him the eighth richest fictional character.
  7. In the 1950s and 60s, Batman stories shifted from a dark, violent tone to a lighter one that many called "camp" and associated with gay culture, a theory propelled in 1954 by psychiatrist Fredric Wertham, who often protested comics and the effects of mass media on children.
  8. Before Michael Keaton was cast as the lead in Tim Burton's Batman, the direction and Warner Bros. had considered Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Charlie Sheen, Pierce Brosnan, Tom Selleck, and Bill Murray for the role.
  9. Sean Young was originally cast as Vicki Vale in Batman but was forced to pull out after breaking her arm one week before filming. The actress auditioned for the role of Catwoman in the sequel, Batman Returns, and even wore a homemade costume on various talk shows to campaign for the role. Thankfully, it didn't work and Michelle Pfeiffer was cast.
  10. Prince was contracted to write two songs for Batman, but loved the film so much that he wrote an entire soundtrack, which was eventually scrapped altogether.
  11. Robin Williams turned down the role of the Riddler in Batman Forever because he felt it wasn't funny enough. The role eventually went to Jim Carrey.
  12. After Batman & Robin was panned by critics and was financially unsatisfying, Warner Bros. scrapped a fifth film that would have featured the Scarecrow and Harley Quinn as its villains. Instead, they developed several other proposals to continue the franchise, including a prequel, a live-action film based on the animated series Batman Beyond, and a Batman vs. Superman film, which will manifest itself in the 2015 Man of Steel sequel.
  13. Batman: the Animated Series not only established the long-running DC Animated Universe, which included several other series like Superman, Batman Beyond, and Justice League, but also won an Emmy and created characters like Harley Quinn that later became staples in the comics.
  14. For Batman Begins, the Gotham City license plates were made to look like Illinois plates so they would blend in during car chases scenes filmed in Chicago.
  15. When The Dark Knight was delivered to theaters, it was titled Oliver's Army to deter piracy.
  16. Heath Ledger locked himself in a hotel room for a month one to prepare for his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. The one thing he didn't initially plan as part of the character's psychotic idiosyncrasy was the constant licking of his lips and cheeks, which he did out of discomfort with the prosthetic make-up.
  17. Warner Bros. originally wanted Leonardo DiCaprio to play the Riddler in The Dark Knight Rises, before Christopher Nolan opted to use Bane and Catwoman as the villains. Leonardo was also considered for the role of Robin in Batman Forever but was beat out by Chris O'Donnell.
  18. Mr. Freeze was originally a comedic villain until Batman: the Animated Series created a tragic backstory in which his motivation is to save his cryogenically frozen wife, who suffers from a rare disease.
  19. Poison Ivy, initially a supporting villain, was promoted throughout the 1970s and 80s in response to the feminist argument that comic books needed more female characters. The continued characterization of Catwoman as sympathetic left room for Poison Ivy to be Batman's primary female antagonist.
  20. Though many Batman characters have inconsistent backstories and portrayals, none are as polarizing as the Penguin, who is sometimes portrayed as a grotesque and deformed outcast, and other times as a high-profile aristocrat.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Timber" by Pitbull & Ke$ha

In an EDM-dominated world, it's nice to hear pop music that uses real instruments. The usually club-friendly Pitbull and Ke$ha have teamed up for a honky-tonk jam that makes you just want to head out to the meth-stricken backwoods and do a hoedown.

"Timber" (like wood... a little naughty) is the first single from Pitbull's eighth (ugh, I know) album, but the real treat here is Ke$ha. While I love her as a solo artist, there's something refreshing about hearing her in a supporting capacity. It's a little reminiscent of "Right Round", no?

Swing your partner 'round and round. End of the night, it's going down!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian Kingdom

I miss the days when as long as you knew whether or not Kourtney and Scott were together, you were a Kardashian expert. I long for the episodes when going to Kim's house meant going to her chic townhouse, not a triple gated mansion in Beverly Hills. I'm nostalgic for the time when you didn't have to rely on TMZ, Perez Hilton, and other supplementary reading because the show covered just about everything you'd want to know.

Sadly, it's a different time for Kardashians, and by extension, their fans. They're one of the most famous and controversial families in the world, and they've been burned by the spotlight so many times that it seems like, for the first time since Kim's infamous sex tape leaked, they're playing it close to the vest.

In the words of Britney Spears, it's "another day, another drama" for the Kardashians. They're in the headlines every day, and it's not to see which sister wore it best. It's divorce, drugs, and other dirty deeds that even the most passionate fanatic can't possible keep up with. The current season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is leaving us with more questions than answers, especially in regards to oft-alluded-to-but-never-explicitly-explained drama from when Bruce left his second wife for Kris. But now with this tabloid storm surrounding the family, we're even more in the dark than we realized.

First, there's Robert Kardashian's widow, who claims to have his journals, which reveal, among other things, that Kris Jenner physically abused her children and Khloé isn't his legitimate daughter. Obviously the notion that Kris is abusive is a little far fetched, and it's something the entire family has denied. But the theory that Khloé isn't a Kardashian by birth certainly doesn't fall on deaf ears. It's something even she's wondered on camera.

Speaking of Khloé, how shocking was it to hear about Lamar's drug problem? His addiction culminated in DUI charges in August and a reported trip to rehab. Besides cryptic tweets and a vague and likely scripted scene on the show, there aren't many clues as to how Khloé is dealing with her crippling marriage, although most signs point to divorce.

Aaaannd speaking of divorce, Kris and Bruce seem to be headed in that direction. After months of speculation, they announced their separation. Kris claims it amicable, but insiders say that's not the case. Kendall's reportedly on her father's side, but Kylie is Team Kardashian.

Then there's Kim, who's taking a backseat to the drama for the first time in her life. After giving birth to baby Nori (gag me), Kim and Kanye surprised us all by forgoing the expected tabloid baby pictures, for which they would have pocketed millions. In fact, Kanye is reportedly urging Kim to step away from the limelight permanently and settle down with him in Paris.

But I think the most important question of all is how is Rob?? Has he lost the weight? How's the sock line going? These are the questions that keep me up at night!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Miley's New Album Bangerz Is Full of A-List Collabs, Liam Hemsworth, and Bangerz... But Is That a Good Thing?

RIP Hannah Montana

By the end of this year, some of the biggest women in music will have released new material, making 2013 the Hunger Games of pop music. And in this age of crowded radio airwaves, talent is not enough to win. Maybe that's why these pop princesses think if they show enough skin and cross enough lines, they're true artists. Nobody is guiltier of practicing this philosophy than Miley Cyrus, whose foam-fingering, tongue-wagging, ass-twerking debauchery has been the hottest topic on the planet for the past few months. Bangerz, her first album in three years and fourth overall, is the musical embodiment of her recent public transformation, which she has aptly labeled a "strategic hot mess."

But controversy does not equal talent, and while Bangerz is more or less unmistakably Miley, it's hard to ignore the fact that her new musical identity, which she swears is completely genuine, is a calculated cocktail made up of the best parts of Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna. At it's best, Bangerz showcases what the Disney darling has picked up from these women. At its worst, the album feels like a massive hangover. And though she fails in her efforts to be the ultra pop star and the album just might have what it takes to turn the singer into an actualized musician.

Oddly enough, the album opens with the ballad "Adore You", an undeniably romantic ode to Liam Hemsworth, "holy matrimony" and all. The song does a good job of preparing the listener for the innumerable lyrics clearly aimed at her ex-fiancé; however, it completely buries the lead. Even the second track, "We Can't Stop", is too tame sonically, although it does capture the carefree, smoked-out content that dictates the rest of the album.

The third track, "SMS (Bangerz)", a cheery rap-off with Britney Spears, sets the pace for what follows. The song is disjointed and loud, but when Britney comes in and is all, "Catwalk, slick talk, flirting with them big dogs," she instantly puts Miley's Ke$ha-wannabe speak-singing to shame. Miss Cyrus attempts unabashed rapping on "Do My Thang", on which she proclaims, "I'm a southern belle, crazier than hell." If anything, the song is a good argument that Miley should never rap again.

"#GETITRIGHT" is Miley's attempt at Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and oddly enough, both were crafted by Pharrell. In it, the singer exudes the same confidence she did while humping a wrecking ball completely naked: "I'm dancing in the mirror/I feel like I got no panties on/I wish that I could feel ya/So hurry, hang up that damn phone."

Every once in a while, Miley tosses out dramatic ballads. While "Wrecking Ball", the singer's first domestic number one single, stands out well on its own, it becomes quickly jaded and repetitive on the album when tracks like "Adore You", "Maybe You're Right", and "My Darlin'" capture the same sound and emotions.

Only twice on the album does Miley get experimental (a generous term for deviating slightly from her peers), and it yields mixed results. The Nelly-featured "4x4" is merrily infused with country elements. The duo takes on Bonnie & Clyde personas as they let their Southern twang run as wild as the high-speed chase they sing about. On "FU", Miley attempts to emulate Adele against a French Montana-produced EDM backdrop as she belts out, "I got two, two two letters for you/One of them's F and the other one's U". It's easily the most uninspired and blood-curdling song on the album.

Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good. Miley isn't doing anything that hasn't been done before her, and Bangerz is hardly the artistic statement she thinks it is, but this very well may be the record that legitimizes Miley as anything but Hannah Montana gone bad.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Demons" by Imagine Dragons

After "It's Time" was massacred by overplay and "Radioactive" bored me to tears, I was just about done with Imagine Dragons.

But then I see a trailer for some movie about sex addiction starring Mark Ruffalo and P!nk and Imagine Dragons' "Demons" starts playing. I loved the song so much that I didn't even mind it was by a band I passively hated.

So whether you're a fan of them or not, check out "Demons". It's quite a jam with a sort of uplifting message.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Once again, the Queen gets it.

Thing I Love #8: Fictional Love Triangles

Is there anything more delicious than when you're favorite characters are engulfed in a love triangle? I personally loved when two housewives were duking it out for the same Wisteria Lane hottie. Or when Bill and Eric (and everybody else, apparently) fights to the death for Sooki's fairy vagina. And I won't even go into the dissertation-worthy beauty that is the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Thing I Hate #8: People Who Can't Spell "Prerogative"

Yes, it's a tricky word. And yes, I tend to hate most typos. But this one drives me absolutely nuts. It may be your pRerogative to spell shit wrong, but don't do it on my time.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Tina Fey

Date night.

Tina Fey is the current Bitch of the Week and can we all say, FINALLY?! It's about time that the fucking Queen of Comedy got her Tommy Time dues.

I don't want to get the bras burning here, but Tina Fey has been a pioneering force for women in the entertainment industry, especially in the male-dominated world of comedy. Obviously, bitch got her start on Saturday Night Live as a writer in 1997 and was promoted to alpha bitch head writer two years later, becoming the show's first woman in the role.

Though she had appeared as an extra in previous sketches, Tina didn't become a main player for SNL until 2000, when she co-anchored the Weekend Update sketches with Jimmy Fallon. With Fallon's exit four years later, Tina was then paired with Amy Poehler. And the finest friendship in bitchstory was born.

In 2006, Tina departed SNL and went on to create and star in 30 Rock for seven seasons. But that didn't keep her away from the show that made her famous from long; who could forget her flawless Sarah Palin impressions?

Unfortunately, Tina's biography isn't nearly as funny or bitchy as the woman herself. So here's a little taste of why she's a Bitch of the Week in her own words...
  • On stardom: "One day last week when I was writing, I was in my sweatpants, exhausted, and I realized I’d just eaten six Kit Kats in 10 minutes."
  • On blondes: "Let’s admit it, yellow hair does have magic powers. You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it."
  • On glasses: "Glasses would make anyone look smarter. You put glasses on Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal and he’s an architect. You put a pair of glasses on Denise Richards and she’s a paleontologist."
  • On important social issues: "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."
  • On other important social issues: "Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of."
  • On the "women aren't funny" debate: "It’s one that now I feel free to opt out of because it’s just so boring. The fact that it’s still even talked about is just so, so boring and dumb."
  • On Playboy bunnies: "I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but every one of them — every single one — has those pencil-eraser nipples and an orangey-tanny body. I just don’t understand where the appeal is. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be original about it."
  • On being named one of People's 50 Most Beautiful People: "I’ve been reading the ‘50 Most Beautiful People’ issue for years, and there’s always one person on the list who makes you think, ‘Give me a fucking break.’ This year, I’m proud to be that person."