Friday, January 25, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Khloé Kardashian

We all know she rarely looks like this.
It's about high time we got ourselves another Kardashian up in this bitch. Bitch of the Week, that is. Khloé is the youngest Kardashian kid, unless you count Rob, which most people don't. But her fewer years on Earth hasn't made her any less bitchy. In fact, Kim couldn't even hold a candle to Khlo, and with Kourtney popping out children like a Pez dispenser pops out candy, Khloé is being groomed to be the family's Ultrabitch.

Khloé spent her entire childhood being known as the ugly, fat sister. Any weak-minded, faint-hearted unbitch would go completely bonkers if they were in her shoes. But not Khloé. She sat back and let her sisters get all the attention. Ever the calculating mastermind, she was waiting for the right time. And that time came in 2007 when Kim's sex tape leaked all over the fucking place and the entire family was offered their own reality show. Koko, as she's known, knew that this was her opportunity to outshine her sisters and show America what a bitch she truly is.

In 2009, Khloé showed her bitchiest colors when she married basketball pro Lamar Odom exactly one month after meeting him. And despite tabloid rumors to the contrary, the couple seems to still be going strong. That's right, the marriage is going on four years. Hear that, Kim? FOUR YEARS.

This isn't to say that Khloé hasn't had her trials and tribulations. Her struggles to have a child has been well-documented on her various reality shows and several of her father's ex-wives have come out of the woodwork claiming that Khloé isn't Robert Kardashian's biological daughter. She also was arrested for a DUI (but like a pro bitch, she only served three hours of her 30-day sentence). Additionally, she's been sued a shitload of times.

But she never lets that get her down. For every obstacle she comes across, Khloé launches another DASH store. She combats the sticks and stones with unnecessary products like a unisex fragrance or a novel.

She did this, too.

To further illustrate Khloé's bitchery, here are some fun quotes:
  • On Kim's relationship with Reggie Bush: "Seriously, the Bush and the Tush, that was like iconic for me."
  • On life: "Hi guys. Shake your tits! Oh yeah, they jiggle, baby."
  • On the human body: "I have a nipple obsession and personally love when women show their nipples— perhaps I was a member of a nudist colony in my last life."
  • On golfing: "I think maybe I could hit them better if they were black balls."
  • On bitchery: "Sometimes a bitch snaps."
Say what you want about Khloé Kardashian. Say she's fat or ugly or the worst Kardashian sister. But don't ever say she's not a bitch. Because, actually, she's Bitch of the Week. She even has a fucking accent in her name, and that's about as bitchy as it gets. Deal with it.

3 comments:

Taylor Tanton said...

My personal favorite sister! I wish for nothing more than for her happiness!

Madeleine Wills said...

The Bush and the Tush! Lol!

MKlass said...

She's my favorite too. Mostly, because she's the NBA groupie that I wish I could be!