Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Aly & AJ

If I were their parent, I'd probably kill myself.
Over the course of its existence, the Disney Channel has created many a star. From The Mickey Mouse Club's Britney Spears and Ryan Gosling, to the current crop of triple-threats ranging from Selena Gomez to Zac Efron, the network is at least partially responsible for giving us endless celebrities to obsess over. Unfortunately, there are always the occasional bad apples that stink so much they nearly ruin the entire harvest for everyone. Case in point: Aly & AJ.

For those with a Disney-deprived childhood, sisters Alyson and Amanda Joy Michalka are amongst the earliest prototypes in the Mouse House's experiments, a process which has yielded the likes of Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus. In 2004, Aly made her debut on Disney Channel's Phil of the Future as Keely Teslow, a piece of gypsy trash without a clue. The show barely lasted two years because it was really shitty. Nevertheless, it launched Aly into tween stardom and it wasn't long before Disney was throwing other acting and musical opportunities her way. Not one to be forgotten, AJ quickly hopped aboard the Exploitation Express, a pattern all too common in their sisterhood, and thus Aly & AJ were born.

As a "band," the girls released some admittedly catchy jams. "Into the Rush" and "Potential Break-up Song" were where it was at for any Disney Channel fan circa 2005-07. They even starred in their very own Disney Channel Original Movie called Cow Belles, and that's when you KNOW you've made it. But it wasn't long before the cunting began. Pretty soon, you couldn't go anywhere without them cramming their shit down your throat. Rumor has it they would glide through life yelling things like:
HERE'S OUR CHRISTMAS ALBUM! HERE'S OUR SONG IN THIS MOVIE! HERE'S OUR SONG IN THAT MOVIE! HERE ARE OUR BARBIE DOLLS, THEY SING! HERE'S OUR NEW MOVIE! HERE WE ARE ON DISNEY 411! HERE'S OUR NEW ALBUM!
That shit might work if you're a backwoods slut-in-training in a blonde wig or a High School Musical cast member, but it ain't a cute look on Aly & AJ.

Their favorite thing to cram down people's throats, however, is their Christian beliefs, though they'd never admit it. The following are actual quotes they've barfed out in regards to their religion:
  • "I think that's kind of disrespectful, anything that has to do with anybody's beliefs on religion, that should stay out of the classroom. I mean, I think people should be able to pray in school, if people were into that. Everybody should just do their own gig." - Aly
  • "Evolution is silly. Monkeys? Um, no." - AJ
Bravo, ladies.

In addition to being sisters, they're also lovers.
In 2009, Aly & AJ decided to rename themselves 78violet for whatever goddamn reason and promised to deliver edgier, rockier music. Four years later, that hasn't happened. And Disney dropped them. In the meantime, they started working separately as actresses. You may remember AJ from critical and commercial smashes such as Secretariat and Salem Falls.

Elsewhere, Aly was playing a slut in almost every movie she appeared in, including Easy A and The Roommate. Wonder how Jesus would feel about her playing a character whose nickname is Bits, or Big Tits. She had the starring role in Hellcats before that shit circled the CW drain. Forever mooching off her sister, AJ briefly joined the cast as well. If nothing else, her appearance on the show is what probably made viewers lose interest.

And there you have it. A brief history in the cuntitude of sisters Aly & AJ. As 78violet, they probably aim to be even bigger cunts, if that's even possible. Until that actually happens, keep a lookout for these two in any LA bar, where they'll likely be getting hammered together, fiddling with their crucifix necklaces and recounting the glory days of their breakout hit Super Sweet 16: The Movie.

1 comment:

Taylor Tanton said...

I thought there debut album was the best thing ever when I was young! It's too bad they've landed where they are now!