Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Angelina Jolie

One of the few times you'll see her smiling.
Cunt of the Week Angelina Jolie belongs to a rare breed of cunt, one that masks its cuntitude behind critically-acclaimed performances and selfless charitable work. Obviously, individuals like Angelina are sick bitches who need to be committed. Unfortunately, Angelina is no stranger to the looney bin and it seems like no amount of psychotherapy will slay this dragon.

For those of you who are unaware, Angelina Jolie is a home-wrecking whore and collector of the finest infants Africa has to offer. She occasionally moonlights as an actress as well. She began cultivating her acting ambitions as a moody-as-fuck teenager. From age 14, she enjoyed experimenting with any drug she could find, running off with her boyfriend of the week (many of which lived with her and her mother -- nice), and playing with knives. She got along well with her mom, but couldn't forgive her father's infidelity (keep this in mind). She also felt alienated from her peers, particularly when she began attending Beverly Hills High School.

WAIT. You mean to tell me that this bitch got to go to Beverly Hills High, which is like my dream, and she spent the entire time complaining?! Omg. I can't.

As her career began to take off with Girl, Interrupted and other films I couldn't give two shits about, she decided that being bisexual would be a fun trend to set, so she did that. She also made out with her brother at the Academy Awards in 2000.

Around the same time as her career breakout, Angelina began dating Billy Bob Thornton. Ever the embodiment of class that everyone thinks she is, Angelina wasn't shy about the relationship and spoke publicly about how they had sex in limos on their way to premiere events. And there was something else... What was it? Oh yeah. They wore viles of one another's blood around their necks. Even vampires wouldn't be into that shit. The couple got married, probably shopped around the Sahara desert for a couple of kids, and then divorced three years later. I, like most, was shocked because if that wasn't a stable marriage, I can't tell you what is.

The most famous love triangle in history.
More famously, Angelina cunted it up on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith in 2004 and stole costar Brad Pitt from his then-wife, Jennifer Aniston. UMM. Isn't this the same bitch who complained about her dad cheating on her mom? Seems like Angie has a major case of BlackKettleitis. As if ruining one of Hollywood's golden marriages wasn't enough, Angelina decided to further inflate her own ego and insult the intelligence of the public by saying that she and Brad didn't fall in love until after he divorced Jen and would refuse to comment on the nature of their relationship thereafter, even though they were producing and adopting like 38 children all the while. #TeamJen

As far as we know, Brangelina is still going strong. They decided they wouldn't get married until everybody had the legal right to do so, but got bored with waiting for that and are currently planning a wedding. Here's hoping Brad gets cold feet and leaves this basic demonic bitch as the altar.

Still hoping to repair the damage done to her reputation when she decided to become a whore, Angelina does a bunch of charity work. Additionally, she tries desperately to cling to her youth, as her appearance is one of the few things that people like about her. Hers is the kind of beauty that make people like Octomom neglect their children and pay gross amounts of money to duplicate. It's nice to know Angie has such a positive influence.

And there you have it. Angelina Jolie: actress, humanitarian, and grade-A cunt. So the next time you're channel surfing and come across one of Angelina's movies, please change the channel to a Friends rerun. Let's stick it to the bitch!

19 comments:

MKlass said...

Hahah, "blackkettleitus". TEAM JENNIFA 4 EVA

Anonymous said...

This is an old article but since it was written, Jolie has continued to live up to her reputation. She ruthlessly uses whoever she pleases in order to get herself ahead. She's a phoney and a shill. Beware ladies, her cancer doc DID NOT remove her lymph nodes as they would do you for a cancer that 99% of women are most likely not to get. Shill for the pharmaceutical industry and also, I hear lied sorely about the Serbs (stirring old tensions) with outright lies in her crappy film In the Land of Blood and Honey. She's a classic, cunning fake.

Anonymous said...

Angelina is a homewrecking whore. I CANNOT believe she has her hooks in Brad Pitt...she is disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Fugly tattoed junkie WHORE

Anonymous said...

Angelina may be a cunt...but I'm betting she can spell "vials".

cheryl said...

people cant be stolen. brad pitt made the choice to leave his wife for angelina. i know girls dont want to admit they got dumped for somebody else, but yeah. thats what happened. you got dumped. nobody got stolen. so quit with that shit.

Anonymous said...

Brad Pitt is a cunt-whore too. An ugly, greasy one. God he is so gross.

anarchyasphyxia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anarchyasphyxia said...

Cheryl I don't believe that calling her a cunt is right, but to be fair, most of her high profile relationships have started when she and/or the other person were in committed relationships, and no you can't "steal" anyone from their relationship, but you can behave inappropriately and with callous disregard for the feelings of others, and that is something that she seems to have a pattern of doing without remorse.

anarchyasphyxia said...

And it's especially insensitive and hypocritical considering infidelity is one of the main reasons for her disdain and resentment for her estranged father.

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaaaand divorce. Announced few days ago. I feel truly sorry for that blond clueless fuck. I realy hope he gets joined custody. Pour dude.

Anonymous said...

And my phone corected pore... U get the point though.

Anonymous said...

Not pour or pore... that'd be *poor* though I agree with the sentiment... in a sense. He did it to himself though, by getting involved with someone like her.

Anonymous said...

My daughter contacted me from college in New York and said"'Mom, you can finally say 'I told you so' - Brad and Angelina are getting divorced." - Angelina is the craziest looniest bucket of nasty I have ever seen - her entire being oozes puss! Brad Pitt, unfortunately now has the same puke worthy look oozing out of his pores from direct contact with her. NOTHING about him is even remotely attractive anymore - I think her yuck rubbed off all over him! they need to stick together before some other un-assuming clean person gets caught-up in their web of nasty.

Anonymous said...

she had her breasts cut off because she was so afraid of getting cancer ... now i heard she has ovarian cancer...I guess her fears are becoming realized... I hope her hair falls out and nobody will hire her

Anonymous said...

Jolie is just another sick psychopathic cunt that shouldn't be allowed to destroy children's lives by poisoning them with lies and delusions from her own sick and twisted mind. She will be another Joan Crawford when the history is written and those kids will have a life time of mental and other problems which will drive them to drug and alcohol abuse and suicide or crime. Jolie should be put down like any other rabid animal out of control. Anyone ignorant enough to believe that she is anything other than a monster with deep unresolved mental problems is equally diluted and lacks the capacity to see through her disguise.

Anonymous said...

There is little that can be said in favour of Jolie. She is hideous to look at, with exaggerated lips that would make Mick Jagger chunder and her constantly striking a peculiar pose which I assume is supposed to be more enticing than humorous. So, yup, ugly as a hat full of arseholes so far as I am concerned. Only expensive marketing convinced teen girlies that she has something worth copying... and that's the real pity of it.

As for acting ability? None. Zilch. I cannot even look at her films anymore. The one where she meets Johhny Dep on a train is a perfect example. I swear to almighty fucking god that EVERY time you see her face she has this silly frozen grin on it. Why? Is it her seductive look? Her mysterious one? Angry? Mischievous? Upset? Who the fuck knows because she only has ONE facial expression and no acting ability to give us hints. It would have been a good movie without her in it.

So, yes, it absolutely IS possible to be selfish, self-absorbed, talentless, tasteless and as ugly as sin and -- if you throw enough money at it -- still be regarded as a successful, talented, humanitarian, beautiful actress. Uggghhh.

Bumholemomhole said...

Wow - you really did just miss the world go by. I have in my head that you are obese and were bullied at school. Come on put me out of my misery - you are fuck ugly yourself right cunt?

Anonymous said...

She fucked satan and she took it off him up her dirty arse biggest cunt on tv