Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Cult of the Frenemy

We love them. We hate them. We all have them.

Who else could I be talking about other than the frenemy? A frenemy, for those basic bitches who don't know, is that one friend you want to kill but tolerate for whatever reason. The best frenemyships have a wicked sense of rivalry as well. Biffles one minute, mortal enemies the next. It's a beautiful thing. Let's look at some examples, shall we?

Who wore it best? The answer is neither, but let's just say
Kelly because she didn't wear the fugly gloves.
5. Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor
Imagine you've just moved to Beverly Hills from Bumfuck, Minnesota and instantly befriend the most popular girl in school. Sounds too good to be true, right? It is. Brenda Walsh learned that life just isn't that easy in Beverly Hills, 90210. She became fast friends with Kelly Taylor, who wasn't outwardly bitchy but definitely showed little to no consideration for others. Pretty soon, however, their friendship took a sour turn and evolved into frenemyhood.

Whether she's leaving Brenda stranded at the beach without a ride or sleeping with her boyfriend, Kelly proved that she truly dgafed when it came to her friend's feelings. That's not to say Brenda is innocent. She took a serious toll on Kelly just by being her gross, obnoxious self, and commented on how stuck-up and spoiled Kelly was on a near-episodic basis. Despite the constant downs, the girls remained friends, even in the 90210 reboot, on which they also continued arguing.

Brenda and Kelly's frenemyhood is unique, however, because the characters were played by real-life frenemies Shannen Doherty and Bitch of the Year Jennie Garth. It's common knowledge that the actresses did not get along, but since then, they've each individually stated that they've "renewed" their friendship and got along "most" of the time on set. We all know that ain't true. #TeamJennie

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and
your frenemies as close as possible.
4. Judy Garland and Lana Turner
Proving that this phenomenon is as old as time, Judy Garland and Lana Turner began their frenemyship in the dark ages of the 1930s. Both actresses were signed to MGM as teenagers and were forced to deal with one another 24/7, whether they were working on a film together or not. By most accounts, they got along fairly well and there was little animosity. There was, however, some mad jealousy on JGar's part. Judy, openly criticized for her looks, was forever branded the platonic girl next door and was given roles that suited this image. Meanwhile, the beautiful Lana was lionized into a sex symbol.

Judy had a major inferiority complex when it came to Lana, which was only fueled by the men they shared. Lana had an affair with their mutual costar, Mickey Rooney, for whom Judy had strong feelings. Later, Lana eloped unexpectedly with Judy's boyfriend, bandleader Artie Shaw. A regular friendship would have ended by this point. However, like true frenemies, the women remained friends for the remainder of their lives, even though Lana's beauty withstood the test of time while Judy became considerably more trollish. If there's something to be learned here, it's that good-looking people really do have it better. Good news for me!

3. Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael
In her Bitch of the Week article, I detailed why Angelica Pickles is just the most. Good girl Susie Carmichael from down the street couldn't keep up, so they could never be friends. They could, however, be frenemies. No longer babies, but far away from the world of adulthood, the 3-year-olds were constantly forced to be with one another at neighborhood gatherings, pre-school, etc. Angelica and Susie turned everything into a competition, even winning the loyalty of the babies. Because Angelica's only skill was her bitchery, she often lost. But she always put up a good fight! And what's important is that the girls remained friends, as seen in the atrocious Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up.

For more on Angelica and Susie's frenemyship, watch this short yet amazing clip from The Rugrats Movie.

2. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian
There are no better frenemies than those that are also famous socialites. This scientifically proven fact is perhaps best illustrated by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. There was a time when the girls were just friends, but that was back when Paris was the iconic blonde of her generation and Kim hadn't yet learned how to pluck her eyebrows.

Paris made a rookie mistake of teaching Kim her ways. Once Kim's sex tape was floating around the internet, her star shined even brighter than Paris' when she made the same move. Kim then hollered with a reality show, the famed Keeping Up with the Kardashians, just as Paris had done with The Simple Life. The difference? Kim was smart and enlisted her family as her costars. Paris went with the unreliable selection of another frenemy, Nicole Richie, so it's no wonder that didn't last long. The golden rule of frenemyhood is never work with a frenemy. #duh

The joke is on Paris, however. Between a clothing store chain, countless perfumes, 4 reality shows, a 72-day marriage, and a much-hyped-about baby on the way, Kim is far more famous and overexposed than Paris ever was. The two debutantes still claim to be on good terms with one another, except for occasional hijinks, like the time Paris said Kim had a butt like cottage cheese.

Delusions of grandeur: one of the warning signs of a frenemy.

Frenemies may also have
homosexual tendencies.
1. Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf
No show in the history of television has better demonstrated the cult of the frenemy better than Gossip Girl, which basically chronicles the frenemyship of Upper East Side teens Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. The former breezes through life despite her attempts to rehabilitate* her image; the latter is a narcissist who works for everything she gets. The two couldn't be more unalike, and therefore could never be just plain ol' friend friends. Thus, they were frenemies!

The show begins with Serena returning from a year of boarding school, during which time she chose to cut off all contact with Blair and their friends. Naturally, Blair took over as the "it" girl and head bitch in their social circle and was none-too-pleased that Serena had made a comeback. What ensued was six years of the most beautiful frenemyship known to man. As friends, they supported one another unconditionally, helped the other achieve her goals, and schemed to take down mutual foes. As enemies, they fought over boys, social status, and loyalty. In some of their best arguments, they attempted the thwart the other's chances at getting into college, and at one point Blair even banished Serena from New York City when S refused to rekindle their friendship.

* Perhaps a poor choice of words, given that she's a fucking coke addict.

So there you have it. Five flawless examples of frenemies. We can learn something from each of these dynamic duos, because we all have frenemies. If you think you don't, you're either delusional as fuck or just plain stupid. Either way, you're screwed because you don't know how to handle LIFE.


Madeleine Wills said...

I like that the nickname "JGar" works for both Judy Garland and Jennie Garth.

Taylor Tanton said...

Ummmm Daisy and Minnie?? ELLO!

MKlass said...

How did our frenemyship not make this list?!