Wednesday, January 30, 2013

This or That: Cinderella vs. Snow White

Who's the fairest of them all?
When it comes to Disney princesses, people seem to think of Snow White and Cinderella as the epitome of the term, which is weird, considering they're two of the shittiest princesses out there. But it got me thinking, what is it about these two that makes them the quintessential princesses? Even more important, WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES ONE BETTER THAN THE OTHER?! Once again, I'm here to answer that burning question with This or That!

A pre-1980s Disney princess having a personality is like the Black Eyed Peas having a good song. It simply does not happen. However, there are a few traces of characteristics in both Snow White and Cinderella. Snow White is stupid as shit. Pretty much everything scares her, from a friendly prince singing along to her melodies to a fucking tree. And she turns everything into a goddamn song. I don't think she has a word of spoken dialog in the entire film. Cinderella is a little more bearable, but is a major hypocrite. Right after singing about how fucking great dreams are in "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes", she yells at her dog for dreaming about chasing Lucifer the cat. Still, she has the sense of humor to talk shit about her stepfamily behind their backs. Furthermore, Cinderella can't even hold onto her shit and Snow White can't even eat an apple without passing the fuck out. Both of these bitches ain't shit, but this round goes to Cinderella.

Physical appearance
Cinderella's got the classic blonde look going for her. And girlfriend knows how to work any outfit, from unflattering rags to a bitchin' ballgown and the glass slippers to boot. Meanwhile, Snow White just can't seem to find the outfit that compliments her black hair and pasty skin. And wtf is up with her dress? Doesn't she realize that there are more than just the primary colors? The round goes to Cinderella.

Cinderella's sidekicks include some talking mice, as well as some birds and a dog, who can't talk, for whatever reason. She also has an elderly Fairy Godmother, but what good is that bitch when her magic has an expiration date? It's Snow Whites seven little friends who steal the show. I'm all about Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Dopey, as we all should be. On top of that, Snow White also has an army of forest animals ready to do her chores for her. Love it! This round goes to Snow White.

I've already expressed my love for Cinderella's wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters. Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella are awesome because they're not actually evil, just rude and passive aggressive as fuck, which is one of my personal favorite pastimes. Meanwhile, the Evil Queen doesn't make a lick of sense to me. She may have a cool magic mirror, but she is so fucking pressed that Snow White is better looking than her that she turns herself into an ugly ass old hag. What this accomplishes, I'm not quite sure. And is killing Snow White really necessary? I know she's annoying and all, but Lady T and her daughters were just as jealous of Cinderella, but at least they knew there was a fine line between keepin' her fugly and killing her. This round goes to Cinderella!

The prince
Snow White's prince, simply known as "The Prince," is a fucking creep. He stalks Snow White and then basically rapes her when she's dead. And as if his kiss is magical enough to wake her up. Puh-leaze. On top of all that, he looks like a girl. Cinderella's Prince Charming, however, is sassy as fuck, as evidenced by his excessive yawning during the ball. Though Prince Phillip would smoke these two bastards in a second, it's clear that this round goes to Cinderella!
"Ain't nobody got time for that."
Even Snow White is too good for this.
Other factors
  • Cinderella has a soft, endearing voice. Snow White sounds like Minnie Mouse on speed. Point for Cinderella!
  • Snow White is portrayed by Cunt of the Week Ginnifer Goodwin in Once Upon a Time. Point for Cinderella!
  • Snow White will always have the distinction of being the first Disney Princess. So, pity point for Snow White!
And there you have it. Snow White might have the better sidekicks, but there aren't enough dwarfs in the world to compensate for all her shortcomings. Meanwhile, Cinderella showed a bitch what's what, so I declare her the winner!


    Taylor Tanton said...

    One of my favorite post! The picture is to die for! How did you get so witty and clever? It's like you aren't even human!

    Madeleine Wills said...

    ooh this was just too fun! holla for cinderella, a classy bitch til the end.