Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano

Yikes.
She's an original Disney teen queen. She brought to life Shia LaBeouf's nark sister and a firecrotch crime fighter, and she appeared in a highly successful trilogy of ABC Family original movies. Call her, beep her, if you wanna reach her. She's Christy Carlson Romano.

If you were a fan of the Disney Channel during its golden era, you don't need a fucking explanation as to who CCR is. She simply is and that's good enough for you. However, I think we're all a little lost as to what homegirl is up to these days. But to look at the present, one must first look at the past.

Where she's been
Christy was a Broadway baby, appearing in national tours of hit musicals throughout her childhood. Her breakout, however, came in Y2K when girlfriend was cast in Even Stevens, a Disney show that most of look back on fondly. Christy, who insisted on using her entire fucking name professionally, played Ren Stevens, an uptight eighth-grader, for three years. Yes, at age 19, she was still playing an eighth grader.

It wasn't long before she was pulling double duty as the voice of Kim Possible. Between these two shows, the hit TV film Cadet Kelly co-starring Hilary Duff, and random ass music videos like "Teacher's Pet" and "Could It Be" playing on Disney Channel every fucking second, it seemed like CCR was truly going to make it far, right?

Wrong. While Hilary went off to do great things with her career, Christy never could break free from Disney. Even Shia, who did next to nothing else while portraying fucktard Louis on Even Stevens, made a name for himself. All Miss Romano could land was a role in The Cutting Edge ice skating movies on ABC Family. That's just fucking embarrassing.

True, Christy has starred in a few Broadway shows, including as Belle Beauty and the Beast, and has made a few television guest appearances here and there, but her career has pretty much gone down the crapper. Even her attempt to launch a music career failed. (REALLY?! You couldn't even get a fucking record deal from DISNEY, who hands them out like candy?!)

So, where is she now?
So what is CCR up to these days? Pretty much nothing. Her only credit since 2010 is on a webseries called MyMusic (again, WHAT music?!). She's even more irrelevant than the dude who played The Famous Jett Jackson. I can only imagine she spends her days in the gym, trying to keep herself in tiptop shape for the job that will never come. In between jogs and rounds on the elliptical, she calls whoever she thinks can help her get the ball rolling on a Cutting Edge 4. Soon, you'll probably see her in a T-Mobile or bubble gum commercial. All the while, she probably writes and records music and posts them on YouTube, MySpace, and other such embarrassing venues.

She hasn't been able to hold down a relationship because her requires all her lovers to help her carry out some sick Ren/Louis role play. Every once in a while, Shia LaBeouf gets a phone call at 2AM from a hysterical Christy crying about her failed career. The next morning, she calls him again with a renewed faith in her talent and apologizes for her meltdown. You see, she's been toiling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for some time now. Poor Christy. Maybe if you hadn't gotten greedy and spread yourself too thin with your shitload of Disney projects in the early 2000s, you wouldn't be in this predicament. But there's no knowing that for sure. What's done is done!

11 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

fun! Is "where are they now?" going to be an ongoing series?

Taylor Tanton said...

Ooo this totally should be an outgoing series! This is great! I'm dying to read more like it!

MKlass said...

To be fair, though...if I had to work with Shia LaBeouf for extended periods of time, I'd probably quit the business too.

LoveAngel said...

I want to be her Pookie.

Anonymous said...

She lives in my town in milford, CT... heard shes a bitch

Yoann Bohbot said...

She's actually very nice and lots of fun

Anonymous said...

After your scathing review and comments about CCR, I have to wonder, what have you done that is noteworthy beside criticize others? You're a real winner!!

Anonymous said...

She's married now so...

Anonymous said...

You missed CCR's nude scene in Mirrors 2. Check it out, it's quite embarrassing. Clearly fake boobs on an anorexic body.

Anonymous said...

Is this supposed to be funny? If you check Wikipedia, you would see she has been up to a lot of things!

Bruce A. Frank said...

If you are going to do this type of trash, at least get your facts correct. Is this how a failure like YOU gets their kicks. Go crawl back into your toilet, sewer mouth!