Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Beyoncé

Tyra, is that you?
Before everybody loses their shit, let me assert that I realize this is certainly one of the more controversial selections for Cunt of the Week. But let's all remember that having different opinions is one of the great things about being human! I won't deny that Beyoncé talented; however, I will object to her self-imposed alter ego Sasha Fierce and other such displays of narcissism. I won't trash her for no reason, but I will detail why she is so fucking overrated and, more importantly, why she's a cunt.

We all know Beyoncé got her start in Destiny's Child, which changed band members so much that it makes the Pussycat Dolls look like the most stable and consistent girl group in music history. So why have four women quit the band? It wasn't because they suddenly wanted quiet lives back on the farm in Kansas. No, it was because Beyoncé is a DIVA. And not the good kind of diva that she purports to be in her aptly-titled song, "Diva". She's just a raging cunt and most people can't stand to be around her. Even Michelle Williams, basic and pressed as she is, still talks shit about how awful Beyoncé is.

Though Destiny's Child might as well have been called Beyoncé Knowles & Co., Bey wasn't satisfied with being one of the most successful girl groups of all time. So she decided to embark on a solo career. #TotalCuntMove

All the while, she was dating Jay-Z. All I'm gonna say is that somebody should have put a stop to that shit ASAP. They are two of the biggest egos in the music industry and there aren't words to describe what happens when two people like them get together. Actually, there is a term for it. It's called Blue Ivy.

Beyoncé is undeniably successful as a solo artist. And I'll admit she's talented. "Crazy in Love" is a classic. "Single Ladies" is a jam. "Irreplaceable" is an anthem. But she has done nothing to reinvent the pop/R&B crossover world. Nothing she does is new, which would be fine if people didn't act like she was the goddamn mecca of music. And overtime, she has become increasingly less creative. She once contributed lyrics to every song on an album, but now contributes to barely half, most of which are major snoozers. What she lacks in artistry she makes up for with smoke and mirrors. She's not an artist, she's a performer. Which, again, would be fine if people recognized that.

My biggest problem with Queen B, as she's known to her fans, is not that everybody thinks she's so fucking great. It's that SHE thinks she's the greatest thing to bless this planet since Jesus the motherfucking Christ himself! Who the hell calls themselves Sasha Fierce? Who unnecessarily splits up their 11-song album onto two discs? What kind of sicko announces their pregnancy at an awards show in the middle of a tribute to Britney Spears?! Who stores everything used in their productions, even something as simple as a technical light, in a warehouse so nobody else can use it? What kind of person closes off half a hospital to have their one baby? (Screw the other expectant mothers, I guess.) And who not only lip syncs the national anthem at a presidential inauguration, but makes the grandiose gesture of ripping out her earpiece to fool people into thinking she's singing live, unaided by a track?

Beyoncé, that's who.

But the worst is yet to come. Check this shit out:
I don't feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I'm an adult. I'm grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That's why I've worked hard.
THIS irked me to no end. Listen up, Beyoncé. Being an adult is not stomping around, doing and saying whatever you feel like. And you may have worked hard, but considering retirement at age 31 is beyond ridiculous. Yeah, you worked hard and just so happen to have made a gazillion dollars from it. But most people work much harder, and for much longer. And if music is really your passion, you should consider yourself lucky to still have a fan base that will support your career and allow you to continue living your dream. You wouldn't retire just because you have enough money to live off of for 70 lifetimes.

I know many of you are probably still shitting glitter from her Super Bowl performance, but I hope I successfully alerted you to some of the problems with her. It's only halfheartedly that I give her the Cunt of the Week; in truth, I think she's just overrated. But dgaf. She's getting it anyway!

5 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

The only main critique I have of your post is that some of the criticisms you make of Beyonce could easily be made of other artists. You keep acknowledging the fact that her lack of original songs and reliance on over-the-top performances isn't a problem in and of itself, but is a problem because her fans don't recognize that it's a problem. Now, I'm certainly not one to fall at Beyonce's feet, but I don't think it's really fair to single her out as a terrible person just because she has fans who thinks she's great.
Also, I'm sure that she's probably pretty self-absorbed, but again, I think that's a claim that could be made about a lot of celebrities, and Beyonce's not the only one who gets away with it.

All that to say: I don't disagree with your post, but I don't think that a lot of what you wrote applies solely to Beyonce.

Taylor Tanton said...

You did bring up very valid points.

Taylor Tanton said...

No one can argue this!

Anonymous said...

She is Wilbur and Mr. Ed's love child, which explains her dance moves..........

Anonymous said...

She's good looking with a good voice. She moves pretty well too. She's not that special. She
isn't bad. But I think it is fair to say she has been very fortunate in her career. As far as her cuntiness is concerned, that whole business is filled with attention whore dingbats. She's not special in that regard either. I didn't realize however that she was so hard to get along with. That was interesting.