Thursday, February 7, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Desperate Housewives

It's been 9 months since America bid farewell to our favorite housewives. Seriously, it's been so long; I could have had a baby in that time. I mean, not really. But kind of. Now, Desperate Housewives is nothing but a memory. But I'm here to keep Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle, and company alive in our hearts forever by taking a stroll down memory Wisteria Lane with the top 10 This is What Made This Show Fucking Amazing's.

10. Juanita Solis
On a show where the children were generally intolerable, Juanita Solis showed a bitch what's what several times. Sassy and supersized, Juanita is the only one who was a worthy opponent for her mother, the ever-bitchy Gabrielle. (So what if they weren't biologically related? #season7problems am I right?) She's also probably one of the only good things that came out of the five-year jump.

9. Katherine Goes Bonkers
It was the summer of 2009 and everyone was wondering just who was Mike Delfino's mystery bride? Was it the love of his life, or the new girlfriend? Well, when Desperate Housewives returned for its sixth season, Mike went with choice A and married Susan for the second time, sending Katherine into a tailspin. Bitch went legit cray. Like, "let me stab myself in the stomach and accuse Mike of attacking me" cray. Still, it was entertaining!

8. The Others
One of the greatest things about Desperate Housewives is that it kept its four stars for all eight seasons. We always had Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gaby. But other characters definitely helped round out the cast. Between the four housewives, they had about 16 husbands and major boyfriends and at least two children a piece. Not to mention the revolving door of fifth housewives: Mary Alice, Edie, Betty, Katherine, Angie, and Renee. And of course, the other neighbors. Whether it was Mrs. McCluskey being candid as fuck or Bob and Lee sassing it up with the best of them, there was no shortage of fun on Wisteria Lane.

7. Bree and Gabrielle
If there was ever an odd couple on the show, it was Bree and Gabrielle. These bitches were polar opposites, and whenever their storylines intertwined, hijinks were sure to ensue. Remember when Gaby moved in with Bree when she and Carlos were having issues? Hilarious. Or when Chuck caught them stealing Alejandro's car? Doubly hilarious.

6. Flashbacks
I fucking love flashbacks. No matter how unnecessary they are or how much they screw up continuity, I just think they're a lot of fun. And Desperate Housewives certainly did not shy away from this particular narrative device. In fact, several episodes were devoted to flashbacks, most notably the season two finale that showed each woman on move-in day and the one hundredth episode that depicted how a previously-unseen handyman had affected each of their lives.

5. Lynette's Battle with Cancer
In its eight years, Desperate Housewives left no stone unturned. Health crises were a dime a dozen on Wisteria Lane, but when it came time to give one of the housewives cancer, nobody could have done it better than Felicity Huffman (Lynette). She brought both humor and heartache to the storyline, making it definitely one of the most memorable plots in the show's history.

Frenemies for life.
4. Susan and Edie
To continue the earlier theme of odd couples, Susan and Edie's relationship never ceased to crack me up. No matter how much they hated each other (and we're talking house-burning kinda hatred), they always seemed to get stuck with each other. Whether they were duking it out for Mike's affections, sleuthing around Mary Alice's house, or getting trapped in a basement together, they were constantly at each other's throats.

3. "Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?"
There would be no Desperate Housewives if Mary Alice hadn't killed herself over some deep dark secret. Her death and the yearlong unraveling of the mysterious details surrounding it basically opened up the Pandora's Box of Wisteria Lane, allowing for eight seasons of utter chaos. The mystery was so intricate and well thought-out that it's no wonder subsequent seasons didn't measure up. Even better, Mary Alice's suicide continued to play a major role in the series for the rest of its run, particularly in the final two seasons.

2. Bree's Meltdown
The show's second season is the epitome of a sophomore slump. With most of the storylines lagging, even the yearly mystery, it was Bree's downward spiral that kept the audience enticed. After the passing of her husband, she dates the man whom she later discovers murdered him. Her son actively attempts to destroy her life, even sleeping with her boyfriend, while her daughter openly defies her and gets involved with the eerie family across the street. All the while, Bree is drinking away her problems and develops a serious case of alcoholism. Just when you thought she hit rock bottom, Bree would fall even further. But it was always entertaining. The show was always at its best when Bree was at her worst.

1. "Bang"
Desperate Housewives was known for its annual disaster episodes. Over the years, the residents of Wisteria Lane found themselves dealing with all sorts of cray shit, from a tornado to a nightclub fire and everything in between. The best disaster episode, and best episode of the show overall, was "Bang". The third season episode found several Wisterians held hostage in a grocery store. It is physically impossible to relax during this episode, no matter how many times you've seen it, because this is some edge-of-your-seat shit right here! From Carolyn's unhinged rants to Lynette's rage over Nora's death, there is nothing about this episode that isn't fucking amazing. And who doesn't tear up just a bit when the survivors finally emerge from the supermarket?

Obviously, Desperate Housewives is so much more than these ten things. It remains one of my favorite shows of all time and every Sunday, my body aches in anticipation for a new episode that won't come. Who knows, though. Maybe in the future we'll get a reunion special. Or a movie! Or a Desperate Housewives 2.0 with Julie, Danielle, a new group of girls taking over the lane? Think about it.

Kiss them goodbye.


Madeleine Wills said...

this post has made me decide to rewatch the series - I never saw seasons 1 and 2 in full!

MKlass said...

Hahah. I'm glad Mikayla isn't the only one who measures time in pregnancies!

Taylor Tanton said...

"Oh Mary Alice! What did you do?" LOL

I miss them all! Susan was my homie!