Friday, March 29, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Regina George, the Alpha Bitch

The Bitch that started it all.

Regina George. Does this even require an explanation? The Bitch of the Week is Regina George. And you should just fucking understand what that means because Regina George is the epitome of the Bitch of the Week. But I'll go on, because no breath should be spared when it comes to celebrating a bitch.

In the world of Mean Girls, the Plastics reign supreme. And as the plastic pack master, Regina is la crème de la fucking crème of bitches. Her skills are boundless. From three-way phone calls to making her parents trade rooms with her, there's nothing Regina cannot do. Of course, her most notable triumph is the burn book and its subsequent distribution throughout school. Seriously, making the entire junior class think that they were talking mad shit about each other? #brava

As with many Mean Girls characters, Regina is full of the greatest one-liners, only hers are dripping in bitchery. Read and learn.
  • "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"
  • "Get in, loser. We're going shopping." 
  • "I love her. She's like a Martian."
  • "I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend. So just promise me you won't make fun of her."
  • "I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a lesbian."
  • "Because that vest was disgusting!"
  • "I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. God, Karen! You're so stupid."
  • "Boo, you whore!"
  • "Who does she think she is? I like invented her, you know what I mean?"
Clearly, bitchery comes to Regina as easily as breathing. Sure, she has her Achilles heal. I mean, it was way too easy for Cady to trick her into gaining weight. But then she survived being hit by a fucking bus. It goes to show you that you can knock a bitch down, but you can't keep her down. She's a bitchy as the best of 'em, and it's only appropriate that she enjoy her reign as the current Bitch of the Week.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 2

It was all downhill from here.
Two months ago, I compiled a list of the top ten performances from the first season of Glee and expressed my sadness over its decline in quality. Season 2, while still miles ahead of what has since followed, marked the beginning of the end of Glee in terms of story quality. However, in my opinion, the season had the best music thus far. And Darren Criss, the best thing to happen to the show and life in general, joined the series this season as Blaine. So, yeah. Like a million bonus points. Let's see what made the cut in the Best of Glee, Season 2.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Chris Brown

Stings, don't it?
It was only a matter of time before Chris Brown received the title of Cunt of the Week. With Rihanna being the first recipient and Justin Bieber recently opening up the award to all genders, Chris just seemed like the next logical choice. Of course, I hardly have to tell you what's so cunty about him. But where's the fun in holding back?

Chris Brown didn't start off so bad. In fact, he was pretty clean cut when he first hit (too soon?) the scene. He signed with Jive Records in 2005, a decision he made based on the label's success with artists like Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Clearly, Chris possessed what we in the biz call common sense. If you're able to recognize Britney has the ideal everything career, you might just deserve to follow in her footsteps.

Chris was making great progress with his career, releasing jams such as "Gimme That" and "Kiss Kiss", scoring the occasional acting gig, and maintaining a squeaky clean rep. Hell, he was like Usher and vintage Michael Jackson rolled into one. He was great. He was on top. Nothing could stop him!

But then...

On February 8, 2009, Chris beat the shit out of Rihanna. Like real bad. Overnight, Chris became Public Enemy #1. (Rihanna maybe should have become some sort of martyr, but nobody seemed to care too much about her.) His reputation was ruined and his career was ruined. I, like most of us, could do nothing but ask HOW. How could this baby-faced singer sing something so sentimental as "With You" and then also be a woman-beater?

But before anybody could really assess the sitch, Chris did some immediate damage control. He made a few heavily scripted and severely unconvincing video messages to the public and broke down while performing a cover of "Man in the Mirror". It was all pretty transparent, but at least he was trying. It was all probably for the best, except for when he compared himself and RiRi to Romeo and Juliet, because that's fucking disgusting to say, even for a non-violent person. Most disturbing, however, was the slew of teenage girls who said shit like:
Chris Brown is sooo hawt! I'd let him hit me!
That actually happened. Like, there was a news story on it. And if those are the kinds of fans you have, you bet your ass you're a cunt.

Now, if this was a one-time mistake for Chris, I supposed that he maybe wouldn't have gotten Cunt of the Week. After all, he's not the first celebrity to make a mistake, and if Rihanna can forgive him, beaver first, why can't the rest of us? But the thing is, Chris kept cunting it up. Let's see how...
  • He and Rihanna are currently together again. It's fucking stupid on both their parts, but why Chris was able to tolerate her in the first place, I'll never know.
  • He goes on endless Twitter rants and public tirades, throwing around racist and homophobic slurs like they're going out of style.
  • In March 2011, he threw a TV out of his dressing room window after filming an interview for Good Morning America.
  • That same month, nude pictures of him hit the internet. Shit, even Rihanna has yet to be that classless.
  • Also that month, he bleached his hair and looked like a total douche. March 2011 was a big month for Chris.
  • In June 2012, he got into an altercation with Drake at a New York bar.
  • In September 2012, he got a neck tattoo that looks suspiciously like a bruised Rihanna post-smackdown.
  • In February 2013, he allegedly assaulted Frank Ocean.
It's clear that Chris Brown is nowhere near finding his path to recovery. Sure, he's still successful, but he's arguably the most hated man in America and has done little to fix his reputation. Maybe if we stopped buying his music, he'd realize he had to clean up his act. Until then, however, I hope that the next time you hear him on the radio, you think to yourself, What a cunt!

P.S. Let this be a lesson to us all. If you hate a bitch, blog about it. Don't hit her!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato

Only one will be laughing in the end.
For about two solid years, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the reigning teen queens of Disney Channel. Miley Cyrus was already making deals with the devil, so the position of Alpha Bitch at the Mouse House was wide open. For a while Semi, biffles since they met on the set of Barney & Friends, shared the title. But as time went on and the girls grew apart, it was clear, perhaps only to me, that there could only be one victor. Who will it be? Let's find out with Tommy Time's This or That.

Acting careers
I've already established that both Demi and Selena got their starts as toddlers on Barney & Friends, which I've never seen, but I imagine to be the poor man's Mickey Mouse Club. It took a while for either to achieve their Disney-level fame. Selena's turn came first in 2007. After guest starring in a few of the channel's most popular shows and landing roles in a couple of pilots that ultimately weren't picked up, Selena landed her breakout role in Wizards of Waverly Place. The popularity of the show led to a steady line of work for Selena and eventually a few starring roles in feature films. While some of these films are the devil's pornography, there's no denying Selena is successful. Additionally, while pigs will fly in the frozen tundra that is Hell before she gets an Academy Award, Selena is considerably more talented than most of her Disney peers.

Demi, on the other hand, would be nothing without Selena. Did you know that after Selena found herself in Disney executives' good favor, she asked them to consider hiring Demi? Yup, that's right. I imagine the first thing the big boss told Demi was to fix the gap between her two front teeth. In the meantime, they stuck her on that shitty two-minute long show As the Bell Rings. Luckily for Demi, however, she soon found herself in the lead roles of the TV musical movie Camp Rock and her very own show Sonny With a Chance. Although she would go on to star in Camp Rock 2 and Princess Protection Program (alongside Selena), Demi's acting career would never see the light of day outside the Mouse House. And that's probably a good thing, because she fucking sucked. This round goes to Selena!

Music careers
In accordance with Disney law, Demi and Selena launched recording careers. Demi is clearly the more talented vocalist and is a favorite among critics, who compare her to Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera like there's no tomorrow. However, Selena is the more successful artist. She has sold almost over one million more albums than Demi and has enjoyed mainstream radio airplay since her second single, "Naturally", in 2010; it wasn't until 2012's "Give Your Heart a Break" that Demi finally broke the barrier from Radio Disney and entered the real world. So one has the talent, the other has the success. This round is a draw!

Personal lives
I've already assessed Demi Lovato's personal life once before, but allow me to recap. Bitch dated Joe Jonas, went fucking cray on cocaine, punched her back-up dancer, and went to rehab for an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and other such issues. She's currently rumored to be engaging in an on/off relationship with That 70's Show star Wilmer Valderrama, who may be a catch, but he's 13 years her senior. Gross!

Selena's personal life is drug-free, as far as we know. However, she gets major fines for being best friends with Taylor Swift, as well as for her dating history, which includes Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and of course, Justin Bieber. I've lost a lot of respect for Selena in these past two years. This round is a draw, and not in a good way.

The Feud: Who was right and who was wrong?
It's no secret that Demi and Selena are no longer the best friends they used to be. Rumor has it that when Demi was circling the drain, Selena did her best to reach out but eventually gave up. As Selena grew closer to Taylor Swift, Demi grew closer to Miley, who had publicly made fun of Demi's gap-toothed smile only a year prior. Demi was so fucking pressed about Saylor's friendship that when a fan asked her how Selena was, she passive aggressively replied, "Ask Taylor." According to Demi, she and Selena hadn't spoken "in a while" until S reached out to her when she went to rehab. So Selena is obviously the better friend. This round goes to Selena.

Lightning round!
  • Demi's first album was written and produced almost exclusively by the Jonas Brothers. Only a fool would put their musical debut in the hands of a mediocre-at-best boy band. Point for Selena!
  • Selena was so insistent on not being a solo artist that she and Disney came up with a compromise: she could have a band so long as it was named after her. Thus, Selena Gomez & The Scene was born. However, as Selena transitioned from pop-rock to dance music, her band members became nothing but stage props. Now, for her fourth album, Selena will be completely Scene-less. All that arguing with the label for nothing. Point for Demi!
  • Selena talks about how much she looks up to Britney Spears, but only Demi got to work with her on The X Factor. Point for Demi!
  • Demi recorded "Skyscraper", a horrific song about her struggles that she had no hand in writing. Point for Selena!
Well, it would appear that the points are weighted very much in Selena's favor. Can you really say you're surprised? Demi might have the voice, but Selena has pretty much everything else. Congratulations, Selena! I love you like a love song.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Can We Talk About This Ford Ad?

I bet Kris is behind this.
Now I'm not a big car person. If it works, great! I'll take it. But Ford's most recent ad campaign has me excited in a way I never thought automobiles would.

JWT India has produced several images for the Ford Figo's "leave your worries behind" slogan, and one such picture (above) pokes fun at a historically infamous celebrity feud. It show Paris Hilton in the drivers seat of the car with Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé Kardashian bound and gagged in the trunk. Hilarious! Aside from the rather rude caricature of Khloé, I think the ad is fucking phenomenal. So topical, so smart. I'm in love.

Of course, a bunch of people got super pissed about it and since Ford has no backbone, the company issued an apology and removed the ads from digital distribution. Too bad, I would have totally purchased the car solely based of this campaign, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Jam of the Week: "Follow Your Arrow" by Kacey Musgraves

It's sad, but we live in a world in which country music has become synonymous with whiskey, flannel, and Taylor Swift. But it's so much more diverse than that, and oftentimes, it takes someone like Kacey Musgraves to remind us of that.

In this Jam of the Week, the resident hipster of country music encourages us to follow our path. "Follow Your Arrow" is funny and laced with many play on words, like "If you save yourself for marriage, you're a bore/You don't save yourself for marriage, you're a hor-rible person."

Even if you don't like country music, I highly suggest you give this a listen because it is most certainly a JAM.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Don't Be Fooled! Spring Breakers Will Mindfuck the Shit Out of You!

It had so much potential to be such trashy fun.

On the surface, Spring Breakers seems like a fun, raunchy teen comedy about slutty college girls letting go of their inhibitions and kicking back in Miami for a week. And I believe this is what they wanted us to think. They wanted you to think you were seeing a guilty pleasure flick about former Disney Channel stars drinking or taking a hit from a bong for the first time. BUT THAT IS NOT AT ALL WHAT THIS FILM IS ABOUT. Now I won't tell you not to see it, but I will let you know exactly what you're in store for. (Don't worry, I'll try not to spoil anything.)

Spring Breakers stars Disney darlings Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens, Pretty Little Liar Ashley Benson, and some bitch who I've never heard of, but she's apparently married to the director, as four college girls. (Their names are all really weird and said so few times in the film that one couldn't possible learn them.) I'm not sure where the fuck these girls are from, but apparently it's so goddamn unbearable and they're just so bored because all they do is see the same things and people every day. Um, yeah. That's called life, dip shits. Also, where is this college? It doesn't look southern, but y'all sure say "y'all" a lot.

Anyway, the girls decide to go on a last-minute spring break vacay to Miami, where they get entangled with a drug dealer named Alien (James Franco) and hijinks ensue. So far, it sounds like a hilarious teen comedy, right? You couldn't be more wrong, because that is literally the plot. Nothing else happens. Allow me to explain.

On top of being filmed from weird angles, Spring Breakers has the most screwy narrative structure I've ever seen. Scenes are spliced and intercut with one another all over the goddamn place. Several are revisited several times. In general, they're shown in sequence, but the film often jumps backward or leaps forward, barely bothering to fill in what happens in the middle. If it were to be re-edited linearly, the 93-minute flick would probably only last half that running time. Spring Breakers tries too hard to be innovative and artistic, that it loses any semblance of an actual film in the process. It's as if an overeager film student was given the resources to create his idea of a masterpiece.

Three shitty dye jobs should be reason enough not to see this.

Consequently, there's hardly any dialog. You like Selena Gomez? That's too fucking bad. Not only does she barely speak, but she only appears in the first half of the film. And as much as Selena likes to brag about this film as a sign of her maturation, she plays the least interesting and cleanest-cut girl of the bunch. Her role doesn't exactly require any talent, and she totally blows the only dramatic scene she had to prove herself. Her performance is a painfully transparent attempt at shedding her Disney image, and it totally backfires.

As for the other girls, well, they're fucking tacky and insane. There's nothing redeemable or likable about any of these characters. The only mildly interesting character is James Franco's Alien, but even he comes off as a creepy uncle fresh out of jail for fondling an underage girl. Everything is so unsettling, even disturbing at some points. These characters are criminals, completely devoid of any humanity.

In short, the film only succeeds at making the audience uncomfortable by try too hard and exploiting its stars. It does, however, gets bonus points for its boundless colors and its mad appreciation for Britney Spears (as disturbing as it is to hear her beautiful ballad "Everytime" score a montage of unsavory activity). And if you've ever wanted to see your favorite teen starlets engage in beer-guzzling, pot-smoking, girl-kissing, gun-wielding fun, then maybe this film is for you. But just be warned you're in for some avant garde bullshit.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

6 Reasons Why I'm Not Your Gay Best Friend

Exactly what I'm not.
It's my personal opinion that the relationship between a girl and a gay is one of the most powerful on this planet, especially if that girl is black. It's platonism at its finest and it's a role I've played many times in my life. I think it's great. However, I've recently learned that certain things are expected from me to fulfill the "gay best friend" archetype. Bitches be expecting me to be the Will to their Grace? Mm. I immediately saw it as a prime blogging opportunity. So here we go. Six Reasons Why I'm Not Your Gay Best Friend...

1. I hate fashion. Don't get me wrong, I know what looks good and what doesn't. If your outfit sucks, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll tell you, in excruciating detail, what's wrong with it. (The opposite isn't true, however. I'll rarely compliment an outfit I like.) But make no mistake, I will not go shopping with you to pick out new clothes. I don't think I've experienced any torture greater than watching a woman shop.

2. I'm not your therapist. I encourage all my friends, female or otherwise, to come to me for emotional support. We should be comfortable reaching out to one another in times of need, but this isn't high school. I can't give you an all-night therapy session. And while I'm at it, I'll just dispel another misconception, which is that just because gay men are men who like men, doesn't mean they have special insight into your relationship problems.

3. I'm not an accessory. The very term "gay best friend" implies a trendy accessory, but to quote Rachel from the pilot episode of Friends, "what if I don't wanna be a shoe?" Don't expect me to be as cooperative as a purse, because I won't be, especially if I can tell that's what you want.

4. I'm not a surrogate boyfriend. I don't exist to fill the void in your life. Don't convince yourself you don't need a man because you have me. And even more crucially, don't blame me if you don't have a man.

5. I don't need a qualifier. I'm not your gay best friend, your tall best friend, your male best friend, or your best friend from high school. I can be your best friend. And let's be honest, you'd be lucky to have me in that role.

6. I'm not a supporting role in your imagined cinematic narrative. Nobody would pay to see a movie based on your life with me marginalized as the gay best friend. I'm the fucking star, and don't you forget it.

I'm sorry if this is at all disappointment, but I really do think it was for everybody's own good. It's worth restating that these six rules aside, I think the girl/gay relationship is sacred and errbody can stay pressed.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About The Wizard of Oz

Ancient shit.
  1. The Library of Congress recognizes The Wizard of Oz as the most-watched film in history, mostly due to its annual television broadcasts prior to the advent of home video release.
  2. Walt Disney originally tried to secure the film rights to L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz for an animated adaptation before MGM got them.
  3. Despite the success of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, other fantasy films had not fared well at the box office, and many of the magical elements of the story were toned down or eliminated in early drafts of the script. Various writers were attached to the script at different production phases, and although only 3 writers received credit for the script, at least 17 other writers contributed to the final product. Additionally, while Victor Flemming is credited as the sole director, 5 other uncredited directors worked on the project.
  4. Often referred to as the first color film, much consideration went into how each color would be used. It took producers a week alone to decide on the shade of yellow for the Yellow Brick Road. Additionally, Dorothy's magic slippers, which are silver in the original novel, are ruby in the film in order to take advantage of the color.
  5. The original novel is episodic in nature, so the film cut much of its content to create a cohesive story. A village of people made of china, an army of field mice, and an elongated sequence in which Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion are imprisoned in the Witch's castle were all eliminated. Additionally, the characters of Glinda, the Good Witch of the South, and the unnamed Good Witch of the North were combined into the Glinda we see in the film in order to simplify the story.
  6. For the role of Dorothy, MGM initially hoped to get Shirley Temple on loan from 20th Century Fox. The studio was hesitant to cast Judy Garland in the role because of her lack of experience as a lead.
  7. Judy Garland, 16 at the time of filming, wore a corset and had her breasts bound during filming in order to portray the 12-year-old Dorothy Gale. Additionally, the famous blue checkered gingham dress was chosen for its blurring effect on Judy's figure.
  8. The set was a hostile working environment, especially for Garland. The film's leading men—Frank Morgan (The Wizard), Ray Bolger (The Scarecrow), Bert Lahr (The Cowardly Lion), and Jack Haley (The Tinman)—were concerned that the young actress would upstage them and shunned her. Director Victor Flemming bullied her into obedience by reminding her she was the second choice for the role and telling her she was neither pretty nor talented. He even reportedly slapped her across the face when she could not get through a scene without laughing. Ironically, the only friend Judy had on set was Margaret Hamilton, who played the Wicked Witch.
  9. In addition to the aforementioned rewrites and director swaps, The Wizard of Oz was riddled with production issues, many of which stemmed from the new technology and elaborate costumes and make-up. Most notably, Buddy Ebsen, who was originally cast as the Tinman, was hospitalized after breathing in too much of his aluminum-based make-up, and production halted while a replacement was found. Margaret Hamilton was also severely burned while filming the Munchkinland scenes. She later refused to film any more scenes involving fire, so a stand-in was hired. That stand-in was also severely burned.
  10. "Over the Rainbow" was almost cut from the film, as studio heads felt that the Kansas sequence was too long, the song's content went over the audience's head, and having a movie star sing in a barnyard was degrading. Additionally, many of the Wicked Witch's scenes were cut because test audiences reported that they were too scary.
  11. An urban myth claims that a Munchkin actor can be seen hanging himself in the background while Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tinman sing "We're Off to See the Wizard". However, the object in question is actually a crane or emu, which were rented from the Los Angeles Zoo to populate the forest scenes.
  12. Originally, Judy Garland wore a blonde "baby doll" wig and heavy make-up for Dorothy and was instructed to act in an exaggerated fashion. George Cukor, one of the uncredited directors, made the changes we see in the film today and told Judy to "be herself."
  13. Many of the Munchkin actors were refugees of Nazi Germany who fled the country once Hitler sought to eliminate the "undesirables." Over 100 unique costumes had to be fashioned for the munchkins, who were extensively photographed so their hair, make-up, and ensemble could be recreated each day of filming
  14. Terry, the dog who played Toto, received $125 a week.
  15. As white is often difficult to film, Dorothy's blouse is actually pink but appears white on film.
  16. At least five pairs of ruby slippers were made for the film, but the exact number is unknown. They varied in sizes, as Judy's feet would swell as the shooting day progressed.
  17. Though a beloved classic today, the film originally underperformed at the box office and did not turn a notable profit until after several re-releases.
  18. For her performance, Judy Garland received a non-competitive Oscar Juvenile Award, which she referred to as the Munchkin Award later in her life. It's the only Oscar she ever got, though she was nominated for Best Actress in 1955 for A Star is Born.
  19. Though the original novel is public domain, much of the iconography of the 1939 film is copyrighted by Warner Bros. For this reason, Disney's 2013 film Oz the Great and Powerful, an unofficial prequel to the original film, was forbidden from using ruby slippers, the swirling design of Munchkinland's Yellow Brick Road, or the likeness of any of its actors. Mila Kunis' Wicked Witch could not use the same chin mold as Margaret Hamilton's and the shade of her green skin had to be legally approved.
  20. Like Judy Garland herself, The Wizard of Oz is heavily associated with the LGBT community. "Friend of Dorothy" is slang for gay man and refers to the Scarecrow, the Tinman, and the Cowardly Lion—Dorothy's misfit, or queer, friends that she encounters in Oz. The song "Over the Rainbow" is often cited as the inspiration for the gay pride flag.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Teen Idle" by Marina & the Diamonds

Hey there jammers! Tis the season of midterms, finals, spring break, etc. And there's no better time of year for an absolute jam. This week's reigning song is "Teen Idle" by Marina & the Diamonds. (Yes, it's "idle;" that's not a typo.)

The song is very Lana Del Rey-esque and talks about wasting one's youth being good and is an obvious analogy for the dark side of fame, which is a favorite theme of mine. Enjoy this song and let it guide you through your week, whatever may be in store for you!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Betty White

Like you're really surprised!

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people change. As such, many of our former Bitches of the Week may not be worthy of the title days, months, or years from now. Yes, only the baddest bitches withstand the test of time, and at 91 years old, I think it's safe to say that our next BoW will forever live in bitchery. It's Betty Fucking White.

Betty has been famous basically since Hollywood got started. She was a mega radio star but catapulted into fame with her roles in The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Golden Girls. Ever since then, errybody wants a piece of her. She be winning awards left and right, guest starring on shows up the wazoo, and writing books like crazy. She even has a calendar of her pictured with various animals. If that's not bitchery, I don't know what is.

Since Betty is so old, she can get away with doing and saying a bunch of shit that your average, pre-menopause bitch couldn't. And it just makes her all the more amazing. For example...
  • "Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."
  • "All creatures must learn to coexist. That’s why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can’t mate or the mice would explode."
  • "I may be a senior, but so what? I'm still hot."
  • "I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I'm up and down those stairs all the time. That's my exercise."
  • "People have told me, 'Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends.' At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board."
Clearly, Betty is a classic bitch and you all can deal. She is fantastic and would totally win the Lifetime Achievement of Bitchery Award if I had one. (Idea!)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Throwback Thursday: When Chelsea Lately Was Still Good

The Queen of Comedy
There's no denying that former Bitch of the Week Chelsea Handler has always been and always will be fucking hilarious. Part of her indelible humor is her apathy; however, it seems that her show is suffering because of it. In its hay day, Chelsea Lately was rofl-worthy because in addition to making fun of celebrities, Chelsea and her gang put together some great skits. In the past few years, however, the skits have been nonexistent, and the show has sucked as a result. That's why, on this beautiful Thursday, I want to throw it back to some of my favorite skits from the early years of Chelsea Lately.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Kim K's Divorce Drama Prompts the Question: Does Reality TV Really Need to Be Real?

True love.
This morning, news broke that Keeping Up With the Kardashians producer Russel Jay's deposition could ruin Kim Kardashian's case in her never-ending divorce proceedings with Kris Humphries. In his depo, Jay reveals that Kim knew about Kris' "surprise" proposal beforehand and reshot her reaction. (No duh. You'd have to be a fucking moron to think her apathetic, not-at-all-shocked reaction was genuine.) Jay also alleges that Kim uses "tear sticks" to cry on camera and that some scenes were created from scratch.

Though Jay's deposition prove that Kris partook in a false representation of his relationship with Kim, Kris' lawyers will inevitably use it as an attack on Kim's character to further their argument that the marriage was fraudulent and that she "tricked" him into it. (He is pretty dumb, so...)

This sucks for Kim, but what I'm more interested in is the PUBLIC'S reaction to this. Whether or not Kim's marriage was for realz, I don't understand why people get so pissy when reality television proves to be fake. Yes, the name is a bit deceiving; reality programming implies that it's real. And it is. It's real people in real situations. The catch is that those real people are performing as parodies of themselves and those situations may or may not be created by producers.

Each week, we see the the 30 to 60 best minutes of every 50-plus hours of filming. That's what makes it interesting. Nobody would actually tune into a show that followed somebody in their natural everyday life, no matter who that person is -- it would be totally boring! Reality stars ham it up for the audience, and reality programming is not a whole lot different than scripted shows in that regard.

So instead of bitching about how "fake" the Kardashians/bachelors/teen moms/Jersey Shore degenerates are, just appreciate them for the entertainment value. Follow Kim and Kris' rocky divorce as you would a soap opera. Watch Khloé's cray antics as if they were a sitcom. Indulge in Kourtney's monotony like you would a documentary on the formation of the Rocky Mountains. In short: get over it! Am I right?

You Know What's Definitely NOT the Jam of the Week?

 Selena Gomez's "Rule the World".

While Selena, who's reportedly ditched "the Scene" and is flying solo, has yet to make any official announcement about her next album or its lead single, a song she recently recorded made its way to the internet today. And it's some shit.

"Rule the World" is allegedly aimed at her ex, Justin Bieber, but I don't see it. It sounds like the least personal song she's ever recorded. The one-time pop princess has regressed to a very Rihannaian formula of repetitive lyrics atop a shitty dance beat.

Take a listen for yourself and prepare for some disappointment. Trust me, you ain't gonna be putting this on repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat.

Cunt of the Week: Kendall & Kylie Jenner

The poor man's Kardashians.
In 2007, something beautiful happened. Pseudo-celebrity Kim Kardashian's sex tape leaked, and just like that, Paris Hilton's camera-ready bestie became a star in her own right. It didn't take long for the E! Network to exploit that shit with Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which made Kim and her family mega-famous almost overnight. For the most part, this was a good thing. America was introduced to the monotonous and uncaring Kourtney, the loud and crude Khloé, and the controlling and mentally unstable Kris. However, with the good comes the bad, and we were also subjected to this weeks cunts, Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

At first, it wasn't that bad, because they were both under the age of 13 and kept in the background (save for a really disturbing episode when they attempted to re-enact Girls Gone Wild). But damn, as soon as those brats hit their teens, all fucking hell broke loose. Sometimes, Kylie would wear too much make-up, which would make Papa Bruce angry. Other times, Kendall would secretly get a dog, which would also infuriate Bruce. They both started having delusions of grandeur and started acting like they were the stars of the show. With every new season of the Kardashians would come a declaration from the half-wits that they would be getting more screen time.

And more screen time they got. Whether it was Kylie running away from home or Kendall casually jetting off to Las Vegas without her parents' knowledge to get a tattoo on the eve of her sixteenth birthday, it became damn near impossible to watch an episode of the show without these cunts fucking shit up. I'm sorry, but when I'm watching a show called Keeping Up with the KARDASHIANS, I except to be kept up with the KARDASHIANS, not two tweens who have deluded themselves into thinking they're an integral part of the show. What's worse is that the girls are professional models and, as was the case for The Hunger Games premiere, occasional reporters. They think they're full-blown celebrities. Ever checked out their instragrams? They post selfies like every 11 seconds. You don't even have to follow them to see their photos, because they frequently hack into their siblings' accounts and post additional selfies from there. It's a great time.

While the girls spend their time bitching and raiding their older sisters' closets, the sad truth is that they are sort of Kardashians, meaning they are somewhat immune from this title. Even still, I know that when any of us tune in to reality TV's royal family and we're forced to endure Kendall and Kylie, we'll be thinking, God, what cunts!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This or That: Ryan Gosling vs. Ryan Reynolds

Only one can win.
In today's pop culture, there is not just one, but two Ryans that dominate. And while there may be room for both of them, Tommy Time's This or That only allows for one winner. So let's get started, shall we?

The Basics
Both Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds are Canadian, so whether that's good or bad, it's ultimately innocuous. They're both charitable and have relatively clean records, but I'll deduct a point from each: RyGos for his DUI charge in 2005 and RyRey for most likely cheating on his wife with Blake Lively. Ryan Gosling gets a bonus point for having worked alongside a young Britney Spears on The Mickey Mouse Club, while Ryan Rodney Reynolds obviously has the better name. So what I'm getting at is this round is a draw!

Talent and career
Neither is exactly regarded as the actor of their generation, but Ryan Gosling is the more respected actor by far, and he even has the Oscar nomination to prove it. And I'd be damned if I didn't mention The Notebook somewhere in this post. Meanwhile, with films like Dick and The Proposal, Ryan Reynolds obviously has quite a few classics under his belt; however, other films like The Green Lantern do more than enough to undermine his career. This round goes to Gosling!

Personally, I'm #TeamReynolds here. And I'm not alone. Though both actors consistently rank on "most attractive celebrities" lists, RyRey is the only one who has nabbed the title of People's Sexiest Man Alive. But the "hey girl" status of Ryan Gosling's popularity, which is frankly out of fucking control, proves that he has quite a fan base. Still, my opinion is the most important here, so score one for Ryan Reynolds!

Personal lives
Both Ryans are private individuals and have dated some of the most beautiful and desired women in Hollywood. RyGos' many high-profile relationships have made me dizzy. Meanwhile, RyRey likes commitment and has only had three serious relationships throughout his fame. Currently, Ryan Gosling is with Eva Mendes, who I find incredibly annoying. Meanwhile, Ryan Reynolds is with Blake Lively, and that's some legit shit. This round goes to Ryan Reynolds!

Well, based on this scientific formula, it's clear that Ryan Reynolds is indeed the better Ryan. I hope RyGos fan girls have learned a valuable lesson here. Just because they have the same name, doesn't mean they're equals. Stay pressed.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Love Me or Leave Me" by Kerli

Today's Jam of the Week is brought to us by Estonian pop star Kerli. That sentence along should be enough to validate my decision, but nevertheless, I'll go on. "Love Me or Leave Me" is sung from the perspective of a woman who sees the end of her relationship on the horizon and begs her lover to make a decision on its fate. It sounds like Sia meets Demi Lovato, so it's super fun. Enjoy!

Friday, March 8, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Desperate Housewives

Everybody has a little dirty laundry.
  1. Marc Cherry conceived the idea for Desperate Housewives while watching coverage of the Andrea Yates trials. Shocked that a woman could kill her own children, he discussed the issue with his mother, who told him about all her moments of desperation as a housewife.
  2. The series was originally written as a half-hour comedy, but Cherry's talent agent suggested turning it into a soap opera.
  3. ABC wanted to retitle the series Wisteria Lane or The Secret Lives of Housewives, but Cherry insisted on keeping its current title. Upon its announcement, the title was criticized by various feminist groups and organizations.
  4. Eva Longoria was the first actor cast in the series as Gabrielle Solis, a character that Cherry had never intended on being likable. According to Cherry, Longoria arrived to her audition having only read the scenes involving Gabrielle, which he considered to be in sync with the character.
  5. Teri Hatcher was cast as Susan Mayer after auditioning for ABC executives in what Cherry later called the best network audition he's ever seen. Many notable actresses were considered for the role, including Heather Locklear, Courteney Cox, and Mary-Louise Parker.
  6. Dana Delany turned down the role of Bree Van de Kamp three times, as she considered it too similar to her character on Pasadena. She later joined the series in the fourth season as Katherine Mayfair, who was somewhat of a Bree clone.
  7. Nicollette Sheridan originally auditioned for Bree but was cast as Edie Britt instead. The character was originally only going to recurring; however, producers were so fond of Nicollette, that they kept her around for five seasons.
  8. Desperate Housewives was filmed on a back lot set at Universal Studios. The set, which is officially called Colonial Street, was built in 1946 and has been used for various productions in the past, including Leave It to Beaver, The Munsters, and The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries. Desperate Housewives, however, was the first production to utilize the entire street at once. All the houses, which varied in architectural style, were refurbished to create a unified look.
  9. Almost all episodes of the show are named after songs or lyrics written by Stephen Sondheim.
  10. The character of Orson Hodge (Kyle MacLachlan) was initially going to be a con artist who was after Bree's money, but this idea was scrapped entirely between the second and third seasons.
  11. Tom Scavo (Doug Savant) was originally supposed to cheat on Lynette (Felicity Huffman) in the first season until the writers decided that Wisteria Lane needed at least one stable marriage.
  12. Because of the Writers Guild strike in 2007-08, the fourth season's episode count was reduced by seven, forcing the writers to cut certain storylines. Of these lost plot lines, at least two eventually made their way into later seasons in one way or another: Danielle taking back her baby from Bree and Gabrielle confronting her abusive stepfather.
  13. Rumors of on-set squabbling plagued the show since the beginning. Rumors that the other women were jealous of Teri receiving preferential treatment were fueled by their infamous 2005 Vanity Fair cover shoot, during which the women allegedly objected to Teri's red swimsuit and center placement. Reports of Teri and her co-stars not getting along continued throughout the show's run. Additionally, when Nicollette sued Marc Cherry for wrongful termination, she opined that the Desperate Housewives set was a hostile working environment, and claimed that there was animosity not only amongst the women, but between Cherry and certain cast members as well.
  14. Mike Delfino's (James Denton) death was leaked to the press when Marc mentioned it while in court for the aforementioned trial. Sources claim that he hoped the decision to kill off such an important character for creative reasons would debase Nicollette's wrongful termination lawsuit.
  15. Vanessa Williams joined the cast in season seven as Renee Perry. The actress was contracted to ABC for an additional two years following the cancellation of Ugly Betty, so the network insisted that Desperate Housewives take her in.
  16. Over the course of eight years, the Penny Scavo character was portrayed by six different actors, including two infant twin boys who split the role during the first season.
  17. The producers claim to have killed off at least 52 characters on the show. I'd count myself to double check, but I don't want to.
  18. Kathryn Joosten, who played Karen McCluskey, had a history of having her characters killed off television series, so Marc promised that he would not kill off Karen. However, the actress agreed to let Karen die of lung cancer in the series finale, so long as it was done realistically. Kathryn herself had been struggling with the disease and died just a few weeks after her on-screen death aired.
  19. Desperate Housewives is the longest-running one-hour American series with an all-female principal cast. (Jesus, could they get a little more specific please?) With 180 episodes, it surpassed Charmed by only 2 episodes.
  20. Marc Cherry intended to create a spin-off of the series entitled Vicious Cheerleaders, which would have been set at Fairview High, but it ultimately fell through. Additionally, ABC reportedly greenlit a spin-off revolving around Mrs. McCluskey, but nothing ever materialized.

Bitch of the Week: Darren Criss

Bitchin' shades for a bitchin' Bitch of the Week.
The Bitch of the Week list is, contrary to what some basic and illiterate dumbasses think, an honor. It's an incredibly prestigious and selective collection of life's biggest badasses. God was having a good day when bitches like Jennie Garth, Kourtney Kardashian, and Chelsea Handler were born.

That said, every once in a while, even amongst the greatest bitches of all time and space, one individual somehow stands out. Darren Criss is that individual. And rather than attempt to fully articulate what makes him one of my personal favorite BOWs, I think it would be most effective to just list 'em. Let us count the ways.
  • He makes Glee bearable. The show is currently a hot mess with a nice piece of eye candy who can sing like a canary. Without Darren, it would just be a hot mess.
  • Every inch of him is perfection.
  • He loves Disney, even enough to frequently cover "Part of Your World" at his concerts.
  • He is incredibly generous with time when it comes to his fans.
  • He's the mastermind behind the Harry Potter musical thing. Personally, dgaf. But it seems to bring people joy, so...
  • He speaks Italian.
  • He gave "Teenage Dream" new life.
  • Before he was famous, he lived in San Francisco and Hawaii. And in case you're wondering, the ethnic combination that created his beauty is Chinese, Spanish, Filipino, and Irish.
  • He does way more for the gay community that Chris Colfer (Kurt on Glee), who's actually gay.
  • His talents are boundless. He plays basically every instrument and he's even on Broadway!
  • He wears bow ties (only on Glee, but still). But he's a pretty swanky dresser in real life, too.
  • He's not afraid to act a fool.
  • He will star in Girl Most Likely with Kristen Wiig, which is like a wild fantasy come true.
If you're still not convinced...

How can you say no to this face?
Let's get some quotes up in this bitch, shall we?
  • At the Deathly Hallows premiere: "There's been a terrible mistake. Someone really screwed up and let my nutty ass in here."
  • On Kardashian Konfidential: "The Kardashians have a book? What the fuck?" (Clearly, he wasn't balking at the concept of the Kardashians as writers, but rather he was scandalized that he wasn't in the know about his fellow BOWs' projects.)
  • On his amazing bod: "I feel bad for people who don't have my body."
  • On the color purple: "Whether you're gay, straight, purple, orange, or dinosaur. I don't care."
  • On... Well, I'm not sure: "Ahoy, everybody! Hello, um... This is Darren Criss and I just wanted to let you know that you're listening to... Fuck, what was it called?"
And there we have it. A bitch of a different hue. Don't worry, I'll resume to honoring classical bitches soon enough, but I felt like it was really important to get Darren Criss in on this action. Have a bitchin' weeking, everyone. And remember...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Shannen Doherty

You can take the girl out of Beverly Hills... And then you realize she
shouldn't have ever been there in the first place.
As Jennie Garth was Tommy Time's first ever Bitch of the Week, it seems only appropriate that I give her ultimate foe, Shannen Doherty, Cunt of the Week. And oh is ShanDo a cunt. Her first major act of cuntitude is her name. An E and no O's? Mm. But it wasn't until the 1990s, when she was cast as Brenda Walsh in Beverly Hills, 90210, that the name Shannen Doherty became a household synonym with "major cunt-ass bitch." (Imagine the fun you could have by telling someone you hate that he/she is such a Shannen Doherty, and they would have no idea what you were talking about!)

Shannen's time as Brenda Walsh, who was a cunt in her own right, lasted only four seasons. By this time, everybody was sick and tired of her bullshit. Her inflated ego took a blow when the Walsh-centric drama was revamped into an ensemble teen drama and she was forced to share the spotlight with the supporting cast. She didn't hold back when it came to expressing her dissatisfaction.

The increased focus on the ensemble cast strained Shannen's already-tumultuous relationships with her co-stars, particularly Jennie. The girls' feud was notorious, and according to Tori Spelling, they frequently fought over wardrobe and even got into a fist fight once. Think Jennie's just as much to blame? She's not. Shannen was also known to argue with Gabrielle Carteris and break into Jason Priestley's dressing room. On one occasion, she allegedly crashed a car on set and blamed it on Ian Ziering. Even her on-screen boyfriend Luke Perry allegedly requested to work with Shannen as little as possible. Shannen had shown her true cunting colors and everybody hated her, as they should. So after she rebelliously cut her hair mid-episode, thus throwing off continuity, nobody spoke up when Aaron Spelling decided to fire her.

All of this was in ADDITION to Shannen's other monumental personal problems, including frequent and fleeting engagements, a secret and bizarre last-minute marriage, bar fights, evictions, a lawsuit for bouncing over 70 checks, and accusations from a former fiancé that the actress held him at gunpoint and threatened to hire men to sodomize him in her front yard.

Shannen was universally hated, on and off-screen, and her career took a hit. In quite possibly his biggest regret, however, Aaron Spelling gave her a second chance and cast the troubled cunt in his supernatural series Charmed. But it seems like Shannen didn't learn her lesson, because she began duking it out with co-star Alyssa Milano right off the bat. In 2001, after three seasons of on-set drama, Alyssa reportedly threatened to quit unless Shannen was fired. Guess who came out the victor of that ultimatum? That's right: Alyssa. Once again, Shannen was packing her proverbial bags and was on her way out of another Spelling Production.

Since then, Shannen seems to have cleaned up her act. She has admitted to being a pain to work with, and for instigating most of the on-set tension with her co-stars. Still, her career is practically non-existent. While she reprised her role as Brenda Walsh for a season of the new 90210 fourteen years after getting fired from the original show, she's basically been reduced to a part-time reality star who makes television movies called Gretly: The Witch Hunter. So, just let that sink in.

No matter what she does now, ShanDo will never be able to undo over a decade's worth of cuntitude. If there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, it's that you should never go up against Jennie Garth. You will lose and your life will be ruined.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato

2013 promised to be the year in which several Disney starlets returned to music. Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato each announced that their fourth albums would be released at some point in the post-Mayan Apocalypse year. So far, however, only Demi has delivered.

"Heart Attack" is the lead single off her still-untitled album and boy is it a jam! It's not her best, but it's certainly the next logical step in her transition from Disney darling to mainstream pop star. (In case any of you are wondering, because I was, Demi is still signed to Disney's Hollywood Records.) She comes off as the next Kelly Clarkson, which is a nice identify for her to embrace after spending her first two albums in a directionless limbo.

So let Demi's palpitating single score your week. (And keep your fingers crossed that you'll see some other Disney starlets on Jam of the Week in the near future.)