Saturday, March 23, 2013

6 Reasons Why I'm Not Your Gay Best Friend

Exactly what I'm not.
It's my personal opinion that the relationship between a girl and a gay is one of the most powerful on this planet, especially if that girl is black. It's platonism at its finest and it's a role I've played many times in my life. I think it's great. However, I've recently learned that certain things are expected from me to fulfill the "gay best friend" archetype. Bitches be expecting me to be the Will to their Grace? Mm. I immediately saw it as a prime blogging opportunity. So here we go. Six Reasons Why I'm Not Your Gay Best Friend...

1. I hate fashion. Don't get me wrong, I know what looks good and what doesn't. If your outfit sucks, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll tell you, in excruciating detail, what's wrong with it. (The opposite isn't true, however. I'll rarely compliment an outfit I like.) But make no mistake, I will not go shopping with you to pick out new clothes. I don't think I've experienced any torture greater than watching a woman shop.

2. I'm not your therapist. I encourage all my friends, female or otherwise, to come to me for emotional support. We should be comfortable reaching out to one another in times of need, but this isn't high school. I can't give you an all-night therapy session. And while I'm at it, I'll just dispel another misconception, which is that just because gay men are men who like men, doesn't mean they have special insight into your relationship problems.

3. I'm not an accessory. The very term "gay best friend" implies a trendy accessory, but to quote Rachel from the pilot episode of Friends, "what if I don't wanna be a shoe?" Don't expect me to be as cooperative as a purse, because I won't be, especially if I can tell that's what you want.

4. I'm not a surrogate boyfriend. I don't exist to fill the void in your life. Don't convince yourself you don't need a man because you have me. And even more crucially, don't blame me if you don't have a man.

5. I don't need a qualifier. I'm not your gay best friend, your tall best friend, your male best friend, or your best friend from high school. I can be your best friend. And let's be honest, you'd be lucky to have me in that role.

6. I'm not a supporting role in your imagined cinematic narrative. Nobody would pay to see a movie based on your life with me marginalized as the gay best friend. I'm the fucking star, and don't you forget it.

I'm sorry if this is at all disappointment, but I really do think it was for everybody's own good. It's worth restating that these six rules aside, I think the girl/gay relationship is sacred and errbody can stay pressed.


MKlass said...

Wait're NOT my surrogate boyfriend? Then why do I hang out with you?! Oh wait, your car.

(Always kidding. Though I can definitely visualize "YOUUU WISH!")

Claire Knowles said...


Madeleine Wills said...

this is so good! #holla #amen
I especially agree with number 5 about not needing a qualifier - if you're someone's best friend, then that should be the beginning and end of the story.

Taylor Tanton said...

Peach it!