Friday, March 8, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Darren Criss

Bitchin' shades for a bitchin' Bitch of the Week.
The Bitch of the Week list is, contrary to what some basic and illiterate dumbasses think, an honor. It's an incredibly prestigious and selective collection of life's biggest badasses. God was having a good day when bitches like Jennie Garth, Kourtney Kardashian, and Chelsea Handler were born.

That said, every once in a while, even amongst the greatest bitches of all time and space, one individual somehow stands out. Darren Criss is that individual. And rather than attempt to fully articulate what makes him one of my personal favorite BOWs, I think it would be most effective to just list 'em. Let us count the ways.
  • He makes Glee bearable. The show is currently a hot mess with a nice piece of eye candy who can sing like a canary. Without Darren, it would just be a hot mess.
  • Every inch of him is perfection.
  • He loves Disney, even enough to frequently cover "Part of Your World" at his concerts.
  • He is incredibly generous with time when it comes to his fans.
  • He's the mastermind behind the Harry Potter musical thing. Personally, dgaf. But it seems to bring people joy, so...
  • He speaks Italian.
  • He gave "Teenage Dream" new life.
  • Before he was famous, he lived in San Francisco and Hawaii. And in case you're wondering, the ethnic combination that created his beauty is Chinese, Spanish, Filipino, and Irish.
  • He does way more for the gay community that Chris Colfer (Kurt on Glee), who's actually gay.
  • His talents are boundless. He plays basically every instrument and he's even on Broadway!
  • He wears bow ties (only on Glee, but still). But he's a pretty swanky dresser in real life, too.
  • He's not afraid to act a fool.
  • He will star in Girl Most Likely with Kristen Wiig, which is like a wild fantasy come true.
If you're still not convinced...

How can you say no to this face?
Let's get some quotes up in this bitch, shall we?
  • At the Deathly Hallows premiere: "There's been a terrible mistake. Someone really screwed up and let my nutty ass in here."
  • On Kardashian Konfidential: "The Kardashians have a book? What the fuck?" (Clearly, he wasn't balking at the concept of the Kardashians as writers, but rather he was scandalized that he wasn't in the know about his fellow BOWs' projects.)
  • On his amazing bod: "I feel bad for people who don't have my body."
  • On the color purple: "Whether you're gay, straight, purple, orange, or dinosaur. I don't care."
  • On... Well, I'm not sure: "Ahoy, everybody! Hello, um... This is Darren Criss and I just wanted to let you know that you're listening to... Fuck, what was it called?"
And there we have it. A bitch of a different hue. Don't worry, I'll resume to honoring classical bitches soon enough, but I felt like it was really important to get Darren Criss in on this action. Have a bitchin' weeking, everyone. And remember...


Taylor Tanton said...

Chinese, Spanish, Filipino, and Irish? Who knew that is the perfect baby combo!

MKlass said...

He speaks Italian? Don't mind me, I'll just be swooning forever over here...