Friday, April 19, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Sharpay Evans

"I need fabulous."
How many of you can say that you drive a pink convertible, take up two customized lockers at school, and have a theme song entitled "Fabulous"? I'm guessing not a single one of you. That's because you're not Sharpay Evans, the ambitious and manipulative diva from the High School Musical triology. (Disclaimer: this article will hereby refuse to acknowledge the fourth film in the franchise, Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure. That's some real caca.) As if I even need to explain why she's getting Bitch of the Week, let's start with the fact that she's portrayed by former BoW Ashley Tisdale. That's a Tommy Time first, so this shit's historic. Aside from this feat, there are many other reasons, which we'll discuss below.

First off, Sharpay knows how to get shit done. Better yet, she knows how to get other people to get shit done for her. Her in-the-closet twin brother Ryan is always willing to do her bidding. Even when he has an attack of morality and sabotages her schemes, he always comes running back, usually in floral-print pants and knee-high boots. There's also Kelsey, East High's resident troll, who writes all of Sharpay's original musical numbers. And then there's the fucking Sharpettes. As annoying as they are, they're clearly willing to sacrifice individuality to serve their queen. Love it!

Secondly, Sharpay will do anything to be in the limelight. In High School Musical, it's moving the callbacks for the winter musical to eliminate her only competition, Troy and Gabriella. In High School Musical 2, it's seducing Troy with luxury and opportunity into ditching Gabriella and singing with her instead. In High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Sharpay gets Gabriella's sorry ass banished from East High so she can assume her rightful place as the spring musical's lead.

Thirdly, Sharpay is just a total bitch. I'll let her do the talking:
  • On being a good person: "What did I do to deserve this? I've never lied, except when necessary, and I always bought mom and dad expensive gifts... using their credit card of course. I don't deserve this humiliation."
  • On her classmates: "Do you want us to lose the Star Dazzle award to a bunch of dishwashers?" 
  • On professionalism: "Oh we can hold hands around the campfire some other time! Right now we got a show to do."
  • On her dear mother: "Don't you mention that backstabbing yogini to me!"
Need I say more?


Madeleine Wills said...

good call on not trying to justify Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure somehow -- it's just better to pretend that never happened...

Taylor Tanton said...

She's the best part of those movies