Friday, April 12, 2013

The Cult of the Basic Bitch

"Basic bitch" is amongst my favorite terms in life. In just two short words, you can say so much about how irrelevant and idiotic someone is. (Please, do no confuse "basic bitch" with "other sister.") Yet some people still have trouble processing what the term means. Perhaps those individuals are basic bitches themselves? Regardless, it's time to get schooled, y'all. Let's delve into some examples.

5. Paris Brown
Paris Brown is a 17-year-old British teen who was hired as Britain's first youth commissioner. The move was a good faith effort to reach out to young people; however, it turns out Paris wasn't the ideal candidate. (As if her name didn't say that already.) Shortly after Paris received the job, The Mail on Sunday uncovered some of tweets. I've selected a few gems:
  • "I am getting so drunk this saturday, so so painfully oh so unattractively drunk."
  • "Everyone on Made in Chelsea looks like a fucking fag."
  • "I can speak fucking english its the illegals on the other end that cant."
Now, so far Paris doesn't seem basic, she just seems nasty! But watch her on-air interview, in which she's sporting a poorly-executed Adele hairstyle and cites Urban Dictionary in her apology to the public.

Now THAT'S a basic bitch.

4. Sabi
If you've ever listened to "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship, then you know Sabi. She's that Rihanna copycat singing half the song. You might also recognize her from the Britney Spears classic "(Drop Dead) Beautiful", in which she rhymes "you" with "vegetables." Although she only appears in less than 30 seconds of the song, Sabi insisted on joining Brit for her Femme Fatale Tour and trying to milk whatever fame she could get from the experience. But it was just tacky and embarrassing. Can somebody say basic?
3. Katherine Mayfair
Desperate Housewives is an amazing show, but even it has its fair share of basic bitches. Case in point: Katherine Mayfair. When she joined the show in season four, Katherine was a passive aggressive cunt. She was needlessly rude and arrogant all for the sake of covering up her dirty little secret. (For real, who cares if your current daughter is a replacement for the one who died as a kid? Nobody liked Dylan anyway.) Come season five, she became whiny and lovesick, throwing herself at Mike when everybody knows that he and Susan were endgame. In season six, she went completely bonkers, dated a female stripper, and moved to Paris. By the time she returned to the show in its series finale, Katherine was back to her old tricks and was bragging about how much money she had. No matter the phase, one thing is certain: Katherine was always an unbearable, crusty shrew. But above all, she was BASIC.

2. This anonymous reader
Let me be clear. This website is called TOMMY TIME, which means it will most certainly be BIASED. I irrationally hate some things and blindly love others. With the This or That series, I will always ensure that my favorite comes out on top. Whenever I say I won't be biased, it's sarcastic, which anyone who isn't basic and has more than a few active brain cells would know. Unfortunately, one reader didn't understand and felt the need to comment on my Taylor Swift vs. Carrie Underwood post. His or her responses are to the right. Basic and flopish. Better luck next time!

Disclaimer: I honestly don't care what basic bitches have to say, but I appreciate the material!

1. Marley Rose
Are you still watching Glee? Chances are, you're not. And that's probably for the best, as the show has disintegrated into absolute chicken shit. A chief reason for such a decline in quality is Marley, an obnoxious newcomer who was expected to fill in for Lea Michele's Rachel but fell flat on her talentless ass. While Glee is known for its stereotypes, Marley is uniquely cliched. She's the annoying, weepy wallflower with a heart of gold. She's always the victim, so much so that she lets somebody trick her into having an eating disorder. (#TeamKitty tbh...) Even when she's leading two guys on at once, she somehow manages to be the victim. (But seriously, who is actually interested in this bitch?) Whether she's fucking up every song she sings or berating her boyfriend for liking Chris Brown's music, Marley is always being basic.

Basic bitch is such a broad term, and these five examples, while glowing, barely begin to provide an adequate definition. But it's a start, and I hope that y'all can now recognize the basic bitches in your own life and respond how you seem fit. Best of luck!


Madeleine Wills said...

love this post! the sabi example is especially perfect.

Taylor Tanton said...

That reader should be the number one basic bitch on this list