Saturday, April 20, 2013

Tommy Picks 7 Women Who Should've Been Desperate Housewives

Who should join the ranks?
Nearly a year has passed since Desperate Housewives went off the air and we were forced to say goodbye to Wisteria Lane forever. Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle brought plenty of laughs and dramz to the neighborhood for eight seasons, but there was always a revolving door of fifth housewives. And while Edie, Katherine, and the like were great supporting housewives, I always thought there were some missed opportunities for some of television's soapiest, bitchiest women to strut their stuff on Wisteria Lane. Let's discuss this, shall we?

Susan Lucci
  • Known for: Her long stint as Erica Kane on All My Children, a character TV Guide named the most famous in soap opera history.
  • What she did instead: Spent 31 years on All My Children.
  • Ideal role: An actress past her prime who returns to her roots in Fairview.
Heather Locklear
  • Known for: Her critically acclaimed performance of the devious Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place, which also starred Marcia Cross (Bree) and Doug Savant (Tom).
  • What she did instead: Co-starred in a Hilary Duff movie and generally became a boozy, pill-popping hot mess.
  • Ideal role: Karl Mayer's new wife. The couple moves to the Lane and she becomes one of the girls, despite initial tension with Susan.
  • Bonus: Heather was originally under consideration for the role of Susan.
Brooke Shields
  • Known for: Sort of being an actress and having a weird-ass friendship with Michael Jackson.
  • What she did instead: Starred in Lipstick Jungle and played Hannah Montana's dead mom in a few episodes of the Disney sitcom.
  • Ideal role: Bob and Lee's trashy live-in surrogate.
Lucy Liu
  • Known for: Her role as the ill-tempered Ling Woo on Ally McBeal.
  • What she did instead: Flopped around from show to show and lent her voice to the Tinkerbell movies.
  • Ideal role: Wisteria Lane's only Asian housewife whose family is at the center of the show's yearly mystery.
Jennie Garth
  • Known for: Bitching it up for ten years as Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210.
  • What she did instead: Starred in What I Like About You, reprised her famous role for the 90210 reboot, and appeared in a Lifetime movie about AIDS.
  • Ideal role: An uptight soccer mom who manages to make enemies with all of the women.
Laura Leighton
  • Known for: Her memorable portrayal of brat-turned-vixen Sydney Andrews on both Melrose Place series.
  • What she did instead: Played a mom on Pretty Little Liars.
  • Ideal role: Bree's sister who moves to the hood and brings with her a dark secret about their family.
  • Bonus: Laura is married to Doug Savant in real life, so it would've been an MP/real-life family reunion.
Betty White
  • Known for: Being a television legend (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls) and an all-around bitchin' old lady.
  • What she did instead: What didn't she do?
  • Ideal role: Mrs. McCluskey's mother, the only woman who could out-sass her daughter.
  • Bonus: Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry was a writer and producer on Golden Girls.


Madeleine Wills said...

I LOVE THIS! how fun! I especially enjoyed how you thought up potential plot lines for each of the actresses -- Jennie Garth's is too good.

Taylor Tanton said...

This is too good! You are seriously too creative for your own good!