Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Cunt of the Week: The Pussycat Dolls (The Ones Who Aren't Nicole Scherzinger)

Pussycat walk.
Pop Quiz: How many Pussycat Dolls can you name? If you're pop culture savvy, you'll know at least Nicole Scherzinger. But do you know any others? Do you even know how many there are? Hopefully, the answer to both those questions is "no."

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Pussycat Dolls are getting Cunt of the Week. Before we delve into more specific reasoning, let me answer the question above. Since the group's musical debut in 2003, twenty-six different girls have called themselves Pussycat Dolls. TWENTY-SIX. And most stayed on for less than a year.

Now, let's backtrack. The Pussycat Dolls was originally a burlesque dance group created by a woman named Robin Antin in 1995. Christina Applegate and Carmen Electra were amongst some of the dancers in the group's early days. Slowly, the Pussycat Dolls began taking over. Bitches were in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, P!nk music videos, and racy spreads in mags like Playboy and Maxim. They were on the prowl, and as any Disney Channel star will tell you, the next lesson in World Domination 101 is getting a recording contract.

And in 2003, that's exactly what happened. The Pussycat Dolls, headed by Nicole, hit the music scene. With jams like "Don't Cha", "Stickwitu", and "Buttons", they were a refreshing presence in the ever-changing pop music landscape of the early 2000s. As the girls geared up for 2008 follow-up album, which yielded "When I Grow Up" and "I Hate This Part", they did some major re-shuffling. Basic bitches were replaced by simplistic bitches. And nobody noticed. PCD, as they call themselves, even did a fucking reality show in which they searched for the next Pussycat Doll. But whoever won either quit or was kicked out the group before she even got into the recording studio (a phrase I use metaphorically, because as we'll learn...)

Nicole was doing all the work. She recorded all of the lead vocals, as well as the back-up vocals. The other dolls didn't even step foot in the studio. According to Nicole, they didn't even hear the songs until she had already finished recorded them. In fact, she tried several times to do a solo album (which she eventually did in 2011), but was forced to halt progress on it and use many of her solo songs for the Pussycat Dolls.

Shit truly hit the fan, however, when Nicole started getting credited separately from her so-called band mates; their 2010 single "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)" was released by "The Pussycat Dolls, featuring Nicole Scherzinger." At this point, the other girls were incredibly pressed and started talking to the press like little brats. They even called Nicole out in the middle of concert: "Thank you for supporting me, even if I'm not featured," Basic Bitch #9 Melody Thornton said in 2009 concert performance. "You know what I'm saying?"

Yeah, we know what you're saying. You're saying you're a massive cunt.

To make my point more poignantly, allow me liken PCD's situation to school projects. We all hate that shit, right? Because you always end up doing ALL the fucking work while your group mates sit around with their thumbs up their asses and then reap the benefits of all your hard work when the teacher gives you all an 'A'. Well here's poor Nicole, working her ass off to record six girls' worth of vocals, launches them all to international stardom, and then she has to share the spotlight with a band of ungrateful cunts, who throw fits when Nicole is finally recognized in the way she deserves.

Luckily, the group disbanded in 2010 and has yet to make a comeback. Robin Antin claims she is actively looking for a new crop of girls, but Nicole Scherzinger and any of the other twenty-five hoes who were attached to the group at one point or another won't be a part of that.

So, I implore all of you, my faithful readers, to listen to the Pussycat Dolls, enjoy the undeniable jams they've provided us, and say to yourself, "Wow, that Nicole sure is great!"


Madeleine Wills said...

whenever you use the phrase "thumb up your ass," I just lose it laughing.

Taylor Tanton said...

This relates to my life so much right now