Saturday, May 4, 2013

Where Are They Now?: Lalaine

Figure it out on the way.
Remember that one time Lizzie McGuire had a best friend? Remember how she was a total bitch because she developed overnight eating disorders, wore chop sticks in her hair, and totally cock blocked Lizzie and Gordo for three years? And remember how she randomly up and left because she had shit to do in Mexico City? (Or maybe it was New Mexico. Honestly, dgaf!)

Well, it seems like Miranda Sanchez disappeared just as randomly as her offscreen counterpart, Lalaine Vergara-Paras. (Who knew she had a last name?) But Tommy Time doesn't like to let Disney Channel flops slip through the cracks, so let's take a closer look as to where she's been lately. But to look at the present, one must first look at the past.

Where she's been
Lalaine decided from an early age that she was a prodigy, and like Madonna, Cher, and Prince, she figured she could get away with only using her first name. Her whole career consists of a whole lot of nothing except her aforementioned portrayal of middle school cunt Miranda Sanchez on Lizzie McGuire. However, when Lalaine got a little too big for her britches, Hilary Duff made sure that bitch was canned. Consequently, Lalaine missed the final six episodes of the series AND the movie, which tbh should have won at least seven Oscars, including Best Original Song for "What Dreams Are Made Of (Hey Now)" and Best Actress for Hilary Duff's Italian Accent as Isabella.

After that, good ole L had pretty much nothing to do. She attempted a singing career, but unless you count her rendition of "Cruella DeVil" as a thing, nothing really materialized from it. She filmed a pilot for a Lizzie McGuire spin-off called What's Stevie Thinking. Once again, Lalaine would have played the supporting role of Miranda while Selena Gomez was cast as her younger sister, Stevie. Luckily, that shit didn't pan out. Since then, all Lalaine has really done is get arrested for meth possession and play "Gossipy Girl" for a hot second in Easy A. And we all know that from that film, (1) Emma Stone came out the star and (2) Amanda Bynes emerged the hot mess. So where does that leave Lalaine?

Where she is now
I can only image that Lalaine currently spends her days writing and recording songs that she's sure will become instant #1's. Some titles have probably included, "(Hey Now, Hey Now) I'll Show You What Dreams Are Made Of, Bitch!", "Is That Hilary With One L or Two?", and "Where's MY Animated Counterpart?" In between coke binges and and unrequited sexual advances toward Kyle Massey and other Disney alumni, Lalaine stalks Hilary, hoping to slay her, wear her skin, and take on her role as mother, wife, and actress/singer/author/everythingunderthesun.

Every once in a while, she'll call Disney and leaves the same message:
Hey! It's Lalaine again. I think you accidentally deleted my last message. That's okay, though. I was just thinking about it, you know, just casually, and I think we could TOTALLY still do What's Stevie Thinking. Selena isn't too old for it, she can so still pass for 13. But if you're skeptical, we can just do What's Miranda Thinking! I think it was hard on the fans when she just disappeared without explanation. They deserve to know what she's up to.
And we don't even need Hilary! I mean, if you want to get her, we could, I guess. I'm totally open. But we could also just say Lizzie died in a fiery plane crash or Gordo murdered her and their unborn child. You know, maybe she got kidnapped by the Mexican drug cartel and they cut her body into little pieces and sold it on the black market. I'm just spitballing here. And maybe we could get Brad Pitt to play Miranda's husband. But, you know, whatever. Like I said, it was just a really casual random idea that popped into my head. But I think it could really go somewhere. So just let me know! Thanks guys!
Needless to say, that shit goes unanswered. Poor thing.

Let us see not view Lalaine as a tragedy, but rather a cautionary tale. Bella Thorne, take note! Disney stars should never use only their first name unless they EARN it (i.e. Raven), nor should they piss off Hilary Duff. The end.

9 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

I LOVE this! and the Amanda Bynes references make it especially relevant!

Taylor Tanton said...

This is dark. Love it!

timothy merk said...

gotta admit, she might have hit the basement, but I believe a comeback is in the works, is Lalaine's agent still Beverly Strong, if not than her chance of livin it LiVe again looks pretty f... good

timothy merk said...

hey Tommy, good point, but i still believe in this LL girl, her elevator may of hit the basement, but i have a feeling that Lalaine, still has a chance of livin it LiVe as a major star, is beverly still her rep or is she with someone else, ready to help, when Miss Vergara-Paras is ready, Full Circle is here to help...

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