Thursday, June 27, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #3

Basic bitch.
Thing I Love #3: News Anchor Fuck-Ups

It seems like every day now that a news anchor will drop an F-bomb on air, or worse, say something when they think the camera have stopped rolling.

Thing I Hate #3: Marley from Glee

If you're like me, you're unfortunately still watching Glee, so you know just how irritating Marley is. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read up on her here.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About High School Musical

What time is it?
  1. The first film's soundtrack was the best-selling album of 2006 in the United States.
  2. Peter Barsocchini, who wrote all three films, named the character Gabriella after his own daughter.
  3. Hunter Parrish, who later went on to star in Weeds, and Sterling Knight of Sonny With a Chance both auditioned for the role of Troy. Zac Efron had previously auditioned for a pilot for Disney Channel before being cast in High School Musical. For the first film, Drew Seeley provided Troy's singing voice, but Zac did his own singing in the subsequent films.
  4. Ashley Tisdale auditioned for Sharpay at the last minute. Though executives were already familiar with her, they didn't think she could play mean based on her performance on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. For her portrayal of Sharpay, Ashley channeled Rachel McAdam's performance in Mean Girls.
  5. High School Musical 2 premiered with over 17 million viewers, making it both the most-watched cable TV movie as well as the most-watched basic cable broadcast of all time.
  6. To compensate for the PR nightmare that was Vanessa Hudgens' nude photo scandal, Disney slashed her paycheck for the third film, and both Zac and Ashley were paid more. Sucks to suck!
  7. Corbin Bleu auditioned for the role of Ryan before getting cast as Chad.
  8. Disney Channel had tried to get writer Peter Barsocchini to set the script in middle school, but he insisted that nobody would want to watch that shit!
  9. There was a "no yawning" rule on the set of the first film; anybody yawning had to put a quarter in the yawning jar. Lord Jesus.
  10. The first movie was filmed at East High School in Salt Lake City during the summer, when school was out of session. The second movie filmed all of its school scenes when East High was out for spring break. When the third movie came around, East High was in session and closed several of its hallways off to its actual students to accommodate filming. #publicschoolproblems
  11. Monique Coleman, who played Taylor, did not know how to swim and was nervous to jump into the pool during the finale of the second film. She said that she received enormous support from the cast and crew, particularly Corbin, who jumped with her. If you're wondering why you've never seen Taylor jump into the pool, it's because after ALL OF THAT, it ultimately wasn't shown in the film.
  12. After the success of the first film, Disney offered recording contracts to all of its main stars with Hollywood Records. Only Vanessa and Corbin inked a deal. Ashley opted to sign with Warner Bros., as she hoped to make music for an older crowd that Disney tweenboppers. 
  13. With "What I've Been Looking For" and "Bop to the Top", Ashley became the first female artist in history to debut on the Billboard Hot 100 with two songs simultaneously.
  14. The first film was to include a duet between Coach Bolton and Ms. Darbus. I think I speak for the entire world when I say that whoever decided to cut it before filming began is a gift from God.
  15. High School Musical wasn't intended to be the film's title, but by the time production wrapped, a better title hadn't been thought of, and Disney hesitantly went along with the simple but catchy title.
  16. High School Musical 2 was the first Disney Channel Original Movie to be advertised outside of the Disney Channel on networks like ABC and USA.
  17. Upon its initial announcement, the third film was to be titled Haunted High School Musical and focus on a Halloween plot... Mm.
  18. Jemma McKenzie-Brown, Matt Prokop, and Justin Martin were all cast in their roles for the third film with the expectation that they would carry on the series afterwards. However, after everybody realized how shitty they were, the three newbies were effectively fired from the fourth film, which would have focused on East High's rivalry with West High. The fourth film never materialized, but the fuckery that was Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure happened instead.
  19. Selena Gomez was offered the role of Tiara Gold for the third film but turned it down. She later stated that she felt it would be a good opportunity for somebody else. Miley Cyrus, who has a cameo in the second film, was also allegedly tapped for the role.
  20. In 2010, Disney was developing a musical comedy series called Madison High. Though it would have remained separate from the film series, the character of Ms. Darbus would link the two universes. Thankfully, Disney Channel didn't pick up the series.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Jam of the Week: "The Way" by Ariana Grande & Mac Miller

Disney Channel stars aren't the only ones making scandalous music. Ariana Grande, who's apparently from Nickelodeon, has released her Mariah Carey-style debut single, and many are saying it's a bit inapropro for a 19 year old. Listen to "The Way" and judge for yourself!

Review: The Bling Ring

Without a doubt, The Bling Ring was my personally most anticipated film of 2013, but it really shouldn't have been. It's directed by Sofia Coppola, whose cinematic creativity fails (Marie Antoinette) as often as it succeeds (Lost in Translation). Emma Watson is its star (or at least appeared to be at one point; more on that later), and I'm not particularly fond of her. And as the film's release drew near, it became alarmingly evident that this might not be a fictional retelling of the celebrity burglaries so much as an attempt at social satire, a la Spring Breakers, which we all know was some real horse shit. Despite all of this, I still looked forward to it and saw it opening night upon its June 21 wide release. But even two days later, I'm still unsure of what to make of the film.

If you followed the real-life Bling Ring in the news back in 2010 like I did, then you already know that the film focuses on a group of Calabasas teenagers that burglarized the homes of some of Hollywood's biggest stars with incredible ease and, for nearly a year, no consequence. The film primarily follows Marc (Israel Broussard), a shy and insecure teenager who befriends Rebecca (Katie Chang), his fashion-forward classmate, at Indian Hills High, an alternative school for troubled kids. Together, they rob cars and friends' homes, but they soon set their sights on more ambitious targets: stars like Orlando Bloom, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton, whose house they burgle more than once. Their only tool is the internet, which tells them the celebrity's addresses and whereabouts. Eventually their circle expands to include several of their fame-hungry friends, including Nicki (Emma Watson), a fictionalized version of reality star and Cunt of the Week Alexis Neiers.

Most of the film is a continuous loop of robbing and partying, robbing and partying, robbing and partying. It would be incredibly repetitive, but that is in fact how these kids spent their time, and much of the monotony is broken up by shots like the one in which we see Audrina Patridge's full house and watch from a distance as Rebecca and Marc snoop from room to room. Scenes like this are unforgiving portrayals of the utter invasion of privacy, painting the characters as the criminals they are.

Simultaneously basic and pressed.
But it's not as if Coppola attempts to make her "protagonists" likable or really even human. They're simply symbols of the hunger for fame and fortune. As such, nothing is really required by the actors, but their hollow performances are still intriguing. Only Watson, however, manages to add depth to lines like "Your butt looks awesome." But perhaps that's because she has an unfair advantage; a good portion of her dialog is lifted from direct quotes of Neiers' from interviews or her reality show. (If you watched Pretty Wild, you'll love how its most ridiculous scenes are re-enacted in the film; but no, that unfortunately does not include the infamous Nancy Jo phone call.)

The main point of the film, however, is that it is a satire. Just as Spring Breakers poked fun at teenage superficiality and the spring break mentality, The Bling Ring satirizes our culture's obsession with celebrities and social media (after all, the bandits get through Facebook). But the film barely makes this point, forgoing commentary on the vapid materialism in favor of faithfully telling the story as it actually happens. Because The Bling Ring can't decide if it's a satire or a biopic, it mostly comes off as a move about bored, airheaded teens misbehaving.

That said, the film has a much more sound narrative structure than Spring Breakers, and it's arguably the darker film. You leave the theater feeling guilty, because all of us are guilty of the same fascination with fame and wealth, maybe not enough to steal, but certainly to a lesser degree. Because this message doesn't quite land, only those familiar with the real Bling Ring, or interested in their story, should see the movie. Otherwise, don't give it a second thought.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Miley Cyrus

Get on her level.
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do whatever the fuck they want and have the only response be, "She's just being Miley!" That kind of person is a Bitch of the Week. In what I personally believe is a long overdue honor, Miley Cyrus is officially the reigning BoW.

Destiny Hope Cyrus was born to a one-hit wonder and his trophy wife in 1992. Why did she have this name, you're probably asking if you don't already know. Well, according to her parents, it was her destiny to bring hope to this world. Luckily, Miss Cyrus knew that her true destiny was to one-up her mullet-touting father and become one of the most successful teen idols of all time. I hardly have to tell you what that journey entailed, but here it is in a nutshell: a blonde wig, a plethora of controversies, and a whole lotta bitchery.

So why is Miley our Bitch of the Week? Let us count the ways.

1. Her jams

Like no other Disney star before or after her, Miley has turned out countless jams. "See You Again", "7 Things", "The Climb", "Party in the USA", "When I Look at You", "Can't Be Tamed", and her latest hit "We Can't Stop" are just a few of the many examples.

2. Her man

People can say that Miley's ugly, especially after her new haircut. But she's engaged to some prime eye candy. Of course, Miley's always had an envious love life. Her first publicized romance was with tween heartthrob Nick Jonas, and that's when the anti-Miley sentiment first originated.

I know how you feel, girl.

3. Her numerous controversies

Miley understands the art of bitchery like Taylor Swift understands how to lose a boyfriend. Since the age of 15, Miss Cyrus has had few controversy-free moments, which only solidifies were status as a Bitch of the Week. She's taken countless racy photos, whether they be scandy shower shots that flirt on the border of child pornography or the infamous Vanity Fair cover. She danced on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards and was video taped taking a hit of marijuana salvia from a bong. And let's not forget her leather-clad Can't Be Tamed days, or her more recent twerk-a-thons. Shit, Miley knows how to keep people talking than anyone else in the biz.

4. Her quotes
  • "Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!"
  • "It's ignorant not to talk to your kids about [sex] or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is. Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it's a beautiful thing, and it is magic..."
  • "Miley doesn't need to do anything but sit and chill and make music that I love, and make art that means something to me."
  • "I wrote ["Liberty Walk"] for women that feel like they're stuck in abusive relationships, but it's a dance song. So you think that must be kind of a sad ballad, but it's a party song."
  • "I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you're trying to do. It's all a mind game and what not."
  • "People thought I was gonna be this dumb white girl that was, like twerking around and had no real thoughts."
5. Her way of dealing with the paparazzi

6. She's doing shit that we all want done

She's leading the call for black emojis, which is something we could all benefit from, tbh.

7. She dgafs hardcore

Miley literally does not give a single fuck. Demi and Selena threaten her position as alpha bitch at Disney? Miley posts a YouTube video making fun of them. Parents complain that she's too slutty? She pulls a Hannah Montana and says nobody's perfect, and then sluts it up even more. The paparazzi get all up in her grill? She starts filming them to give them a taste of their own medicine. People diss her new haircut? She makes it even fuglier (see below).

There's a lot to love about Miley. She's the ultimate summer bitch, and I'm confident that she'll be bitching it up for years to come.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Throwback Thursday: As Told By Ginger

Someone once told me the grass is much
greener, on the other side.
The turn of the century brought us a lot of things: President Bush, an end to the Y2K scare, and As Told By Ginger, one of the most profound yet often forgotten Nicktoons in history. For those of you who don't remember or were too busy watching Invader Zim or some other shit, As Told By Ginger followed the life of Ginger Foutley, an awkward young teen named for the ugly color of her hair. Ginger has two friends, the gossipy and over-dramatic Dodie Bishop and the shy and hyper-allergenic Macie Lightfoot. Despite their best efforts, these girls were invisible at Lucky Jr. High.

Work it! I need a glass of water.
But for whatever reason, the most popular girl in school, Courtney Gripling, took a liking to Firecrotch Foutley, giving her an instant social boost. The show also focused on the escapades of Ginger's disgusting younger brother, Carl, who kept petrified eye balls in jars. But that's the part of the show I don't miss.

So what makes As Told By Ginger worthy of such a retrospective on this beautiful Thursday? Well, for starters, it's one of the few animated shows in which the characters CHANGE CLOTHES. I cannot begin to tell you how fascinating I thought that was. True, most of the clothes were disgusting, but at least it wasn't like Hey Arnold! where you'd have to wonder episode after episode if he was wearing a kilt or just a really long shirt.

Who could forget this classic bear print skirt?
But the heart of the show was its storylines. After all, Ginger gets arrested for stealing a sign in the very first episode, and that's something you don't see every day on Nickelodeon! And remember the time Ginger first shaved her Frizzy Lizzies, or when Courtney got caught stuffing her bra? What about the three-part summer camp saga, or when Darren finally got his headgear off? Then, of course, there's my personal favorite episode, "Wicked Game", in which Courtney's right-hand gals, Miranda and Mipsy, successfully turn everyone against Ginger.

Unfortunately, As Told By Ginger waned in popularity, and most of the final episodes, which were set in high school, were never broadcast in the states. (Thankfully, they've since turned up on YouTube). Sure, the positioning of the characters' mouths made it look like they lived on a toxic waste dump. And yeah, it was really hard to rally for a protagonist who complained as often as she didn't straighten her hair. But this show is still a fucking classic.

So this truly is a Throwback Thursday to a beloved show, one from the not-so-distant past but still overlooked in the grand scheme of things. To give you a nostalgic taste of what we all miss, here's one of the best musical performances ever.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Alexis Neiers

Life is hard when you're a poor little rich girl living in the Valley, just seconds away from the glitz and glam of the City of Angels. The troubled group of teenagers, who are now known as the Bling Ring, thought that this was unfair, and sought after thrill and fame by robbing the homes of celebrities like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Rachel Bilson. Of all the Bling Ring's culprits, Alexis Neiers is probably the most infamous, having been the star of her own reality show at the time of her arrest. And so, in anticipation of the release of The Bling Ring, a film based on the group's escapades, I'm awarding Ms. Neiers Cunt of the Week.

And unlike the massive swarm of basic bitches who are "totally looking forward to seeing The Bling Ring like omg Emma Watsonnnnnn," I've been following this shit from the beginning. I remember reading about the celebrity burglaries and how they might be related. I recall with such clarity as I sat in the bank and received my E! News text alert that a group of pressed delinquents were arrested for the crimes. And I watched Alexis' E! reality show Pretty Wild for its entire nine-episode run.

Alexis began filming her Pretty Wild in the summer of 2009, which is conveniently when she was arrested for her alleged involvement in the Bling Ring's activities. So the show, which was originally supposed to focus on the Neiers family, and specifically the party lives of Alexis and her unofficially adopted sister Tess, ended up chronicling the trials and tribulations of the family amidst the arrest and impending trial. Of course, Alexis wasn't actually living with her family at the time of filming like the show suggests. She was staying in the Best Western hotel, getting high every day. In her own words:
Oh yeah. People think I was living with my family, but I was living at a Best Western on Franklin and Vine. I was smoking 20 80-mg oxys a day, I was doing tons of cocaine, I was panhandling for drugs. I had an over-$10,000-a-week drug habit. What you were seeing on TV was not what was really going on.
Wow. What a life! But let's backtrack, shall we?

Alexis was a troubled young lass long before her name made headlines. After getting kicked out of her home for smoking OxyContin and her school for being an all-around hot mess, Alexis was sent to the Indian Hills High School for fuck-ups. That's where she befriended Rachel Lee and Nick Prugo, the masterminds behind the Bling Ring. It's unclear just how involved Alexis was in the group's activities; she was only ever charged with robbing Orland Bloom's house, and has since claimed that she was drunk and didn't know what was going on...

Well, luckily that shit didn't fly with the courts, and Alexis' Kardashian-wannabe ass was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. But like Paris, Lindsay, Khloé, and all the other socialites who came before her, Alexis only served a fraction of her sentence. Guess she finally got the celebrity treatment she so desperately sought after.

Since her time in prison and a subsequent trip to rehab, Alexis has sobered up and is married with a baby. She has spoken openly about her past several times and seems to have turned her life around. I really do commend her for that. But I still think she's a cunt. And I'll leave you with the best moment from television history.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Murda Bizness" by Iggy Azalea & T.I.

If you don't know who Iggy Azalea is, it's time to get familiar. She's an Australian-born rapper who's kind of like the grungier version of Ke$ha. In her single "Murda Bizness", Iggy talks about hitting the club with bad bitches, stackin' hundreds and a bunch of fifties. It's the most ghetto fabulous song I've heard in a long time, and it's accompanied by a fun Toddlers in Tiaras music video (above!).

Friday, June 14, 2013

Melissa Joan Hart Made Out with Ryan Reynolds; I Now Hate Her

Yikes... Maybe I'm not that jealous.

To ring in the weekend, here's something that will make you feel really old. Melissa Joan Hart, who starred in childhood classic Clarissa Explains All and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, is 37 years old. Do your bones ache just thinking about that?

Well luckily, she wasn't always this old! Back when she was 19, MJH filmed the original Sabrina movie (which would eventually lead to the non-canonical TV show). This film also starred a pre-Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds.

And as Melissa revealed on Chelsea Lately, the two had a flirtatious friendship while on set, which resulting in a steamy make-out session on the last day of filming! Not only is this fucked up because Ryan was only 17 at the time, but it's also extremely unfair. Thankfully, this magical macking didn't foster a relationship that we know about. The worst part of it all, however, is that Melissa probably thinks she's on par with Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively now. Gurl, plz.

Bitch of the Week: Pam from True Blood

Bitches live forever.
In anticipation of True Blood's triumphant return to television this weekend, I'm giving Bitch of the Week to none other than Pam, who brings her own vampirical sass to Bon Temps. For those of you that are too lily-livered to watch the sexy goriness of True Blood and don't know what it's about, the show follows a Louisiana community plagued with vampires, fairies, witches, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures.

Back in 1905, Pam was the madame of a San Francisco brothel. One night, she fell in love with Eric Northman, a vampire who saved her life. Fearing life as an old ex-whore, Pam attempted suicide so that Eric would turn her into one of his own. And it worked. (Classic bitch manipulation. Love it!)

Hot damn! ASkar in a top hot.
So those are pretty much the first few reasons why Pam is a grade-A bitch. Not only was she a sassy prostitute, but she managed to steal the heart of Eric, who's played by the most beautiful specimen in the world, Alexander Skarsgård. And that was just at the turn of the century! Naturally, in the 100+ years that followed, Pam bitched it up in countless ways for generations of mortals.

As Eric's right-hand woman and occasional lover, she helps him run Fangtasia, a popular vampire bar. It's a job she does well, but that doesn't mean she does it with much enthusiasm. You see, Pam's view on life is to be sarcastic, demeaning, and rude to almost everyone. This is especially true when Eric starts falling for some basic, irrelevant, gap-toothed, mind-reading fairy/waitress named Sookie. Let's look at some examples:
  • On Sookie: "I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name."
  • On the importance of deadlines: "I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me, and if you don't, I'll personally fuck, eat, and kill all three of you."
  • On being a good friend: "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to."
  • On girl power: "Did I miss something? Are we girls now? Did we join a book club and read some queer chick lit memoirs and are bound together by estrogen or sisterhood or some other feminist drivel?"
  • On redheads: "Don't play games with me, you little ginger bitch."
  • On team work: "I'm wearin' a Walmart sweatsuit for y'all. If that is not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."
  • On witches: "Let me kill this uppity Wiccan cunt."
Thank God True Blood is on HBO, so bitches like Pam don't have to abide by the restraints of television censorship and we can enjoy them in all their glory.

And there you have it. Thankfully Pam is a vampire and will live for posterity, so the world, albeit a fictional one, can enjoy her sass for ever.

This should be the mantra for all BoWs.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cunt of the Week: The Sprouse Twins

Excuse me while I vomit.
UMMM. Do you fucking SEE the picture above? That is what Dylan and Cole Sprouse actually look like today. I'm completely nauseous. You used to be able to differentiate them by simply saying Dylan was the chunky one and Cole was the twiggy one. Now you have to say Cole's the one with the fucking ponytail and Dylan is the wannaBieber. This picture alone should validate my choice of the Sprouse Twins as Cunt of the Week, but because I'm so dedicated to making sure their credentials are widely known, I'll press on. Dylan and Cole aren't really active cunts. It's in their passive obnoxiousness that makes them cunts.

Your earliest memory of the Sprouse Twins (or, as their clothing line would have you call them, the Sprouse Bros) is as their joint role in Big Daddy with Adam Sandler. For whatever reasons, only Cole scored the next big role as Ben Gellar on Friends. Of course, the "twinning" brothers didn't achieve fame until they starred on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. On the Disney sitcom, they played two twins (shocker!) who lived in a hotel with a ragtag bunch of fuck-ups played by Ashley Tisdale & Co.

Throughout the six total years on the show and its subsequent spin-off The Suite Life on Deck, it appeared as though the Sprouse Twins liked to play several games: (1) let's see who can be the worst actor; (2) let's see how long we can grow out our hair before it becomes completely and indescribably ratchet; and (3) let's see if we can still get away with identity-swapping storylines if one of us is twice the size of the other.

Luckily since The Suite Life's finale in 2011, Dylan and Cole have been virtually absent from television screens across the globe. But that hasn't stopped them from cunting it up like no other! They currently attend New York University (after deferring acceptance for a year... like who does that at NYU?) In the meantime, Cole ran his own blog on Tumblr and interacted with fans for a few months in late 2012 before revealing that it was all just an experiment to see how people would feel about being observed... I'm not sure I get it, but I do know that his fans we PISSED. I was mostly just surprised that he still had fans.

Really? Cuz I'm fucking not.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Slow Down" by Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez is officially grown up, as if "Come & Get It" didn't tell us that already. To celebrate the announcement of her upcoming Stars Dance album, Selena released the new single "Slow Down" and it's officially a jam.

The dance anthem doesn't offer anything new, and that's a good thing. I've always loved Selena, but this is the first time she sounds like she belongs on mainstream radio and doesn't come off as a Disney teen queen trying too hard.

Let's check out some of my favorite lyrics from the Cataracs-produced Jam of the Week.
  • "Mr. Tease, say 'I'm ready for inspection'/Sh-sh-show me how you make a first impression"
  • "If you want me, I'm accepting applications"
  • "You know I'm good with mouth-to-mouth recessitation"

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Amanda Bynes Declares Herself a Beauty Queen in My New Favorite Amanda Bynes Tweet

It was only two months ago that I last blogged about Amanda Bynes, and even though her life has gone to even more shit since then, I stayed away from the topic, partially because she's threatened to sue every blog and tabloid that uses a picture of her that she doesn't pre-approve, but mostly because this is Tommy Time, not the Amanda Asylum.

Since April, Mandy has been tweeting up a storm with increasingly irrational and concerning messages; most involve her calling somebody "ugly," but she occasionally dabbles in themes of racism and homophobia as well; she even told Perez Hilton to kill himself. Oh, she's also been arrested for allegedly throwing a bong out of a window. She has since claimed that it was a vase and is suing the arresting officers for sexual harassment.

Of all these nonseniscal rants, only one was special enough to merit another Tommy Time blog post. The tweet in question is a rant aimed at model Chrissy Teigen, who asked her Twitter followers to support Amanda but not condone her crazy behavior. Amanda's response:
Ur not a pretty model compared to me. I signed to Ford models @ age 13. I don't look up to u beauty wise. I'm far prettier than u! I'm offended that you're saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it, but thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me! You look 45! You're not pretty so I'm not intimidated by you! I think you're jealous that you're just an ugly model whos career is uninspiring! I don't respect you! You're no beauty queen! I'm a beauty queen.
Wow. When it comes to tweeting and insulting, nobody does it better than Amanda Bynes. And while it makes me feel a little guilty for taking such delight in these rants, I can't thank Mandy enough for beefing up my daily lexicon. From now on, I will tell everyone, "You're no beauty queen! I'm a beauty queen!"

Until then, let's #PrayForAmanda!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.
While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)
  • "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
  • "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
  • "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.
Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)
  •  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
  • "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
  • "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!
Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)
  • "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
  • "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
  • "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.
Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)
  • "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
  • "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
  • "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!
Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)
  • "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
  • "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
  •  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.
Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)
  •  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
  • "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
  • "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.
Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)
  • "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
  • "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
  • "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.
Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)
  •  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
  • "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
  • "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.
The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)
  • "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
  • "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
  • "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.
And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Jam of the Week: "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus

What happens when Miley Cyrus ditches music for three years? She makes a comeback that nobody expected. For so long, there was only a thin line between Miley's music and the songs on the Hanna Montana soundtrack. Hits like "Party in the USA" were obviously almost too fun to handle, but they always came across as phoney, while Miley tried too hard to shred her Disney image during the the Can't Be Tamed era.

Now with her latest single, "We Can't Stop", Miley has finally completed the transformation from teen pop idol to adult singer. The mid-temp track celebrates a night of going on and encourages listeners to "forget the haters." It's an interesting message set against a new sound that perfectly compliments Miley's controversial haircut.

To be honest, in this summer's competition to see who's the baddest bitch from Disney Channel, Miley is losing to Demi and Selena. "We Can't Stop" is not worth the three-year wait. BUT, it is a fun song, and I'll take anything from Miley at this point!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #2

God did good here.

Thing I Love #2: Ryan Reynolds

Enough said.

Thing I Hate #2: Ryan Reynolds Movies

Except The Proposal. That's a fucking classic.