Friday, June 21, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Miley Cyrus

Get on her level.
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do whatever the fuck they want and have the only response be, "She's just being Miley!" That kind of person is a Bitch of the Week. In what I personally believe is a long overdue honor, Miley Cyrus is officially the reigning BoW.

Destiny Hope Cyrus was born to a one-hit wonder and his trophy wife in 1992. Why did she have this name, you're probably asking if you don't already know. Well, according to her parents, it was her destiny to bring hope to this world. Luckily, Miss Cyrus knew that her true destiny was to one-up her mullet-touting father and become one of the most successful teen idols of all time. I hardly have to tell you what that journey entailed, but here it is in a nutshell: a blonde wig, a plethora of controversies, and a whole lotta bitchery.

So why is Miley our Bitch of the Week? Let us count the ways.

1. Her jams

Like no other Disney star before or after her, Miley has turned out countless jams. "See You Again", "7 Things", "The Climb", "Party in the USA", "When I Look at You", "Can't Be Tamed", and her latest hit "We Can't Stop" are just a few of the many examples.

2. Her man

People can say that Miley's ugly, especially after her new haircut. But she's engaged to some prime eye candy. Of course, Miley's always had an envious love life. Her first publicized romance was with tween heartthrob Nick Jonas, and that's when the anti-Miley sentiment first originated.

I know how you feel, girl.

3. Her numerous controversies

Miley understands the art of bitchery like Taylor Swift understands how to lose a boyfriend. Since the age of 15, Miss Cyrus has had few controversy-free moments, which only solidifies were status as a Bitch of the Week. She's taken countless racy photos, whether they be scandy shower shots that flirt on the border of child pornography or the infamous Vanity Fair cover. She danced on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards and was video taped taking a hit of marijuana salvia from a bong. And let's not forget her leather-clad Can't Be Tamed days, or her more recent twerk-a-thons. Shit, Miley knows how to keep people talking than anyone else in the biz.

4. Her quotes
  • "Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!"
  • "It's ignorant not to talk to your kids about [sex] or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is. Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it's a beautiful thing, and it is magic..."
  • "Miley doesn't need to do anything but sit and chill and make music that I love, and make art that means something to me."
  • "I wrote ["Liberty Walk"] for women that feel like they're stuck in abusive relationships, but it's a dance song. So you think that must be kind of a sad ballad, but it's a party song."
  • "I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you're trying to do. It's all a mind game and what not."
  • "People thought I was gonna be this dumb white girl that was, like twerking around and had no real thoughts."
5. Her way of dealing with the paparazzi

6. She's doing shit that we all want done

She's leading the call for black emojis, which is something we could all benefit from, tbh.

7. She dgafs hardcore

Miley literally does not give a single fuck. Demi and Selena threaten her position as alpha bitch at Disney? Miley posts a YouTube video making fun of them. Parents complain that she's too slutty? She pulls a Hannah Montana and says nobody's perfect, and then sluts it up even more. The paparazzi get all up in her grill? She starts filming them to give them a taste of their own medicine. People diss her new haircut? She makes it even fuglier (see below).

There's a lot to love about Miley. She's the ultimate summer bitch, and I'm confident that she'll be bitching it up for years to come.



Taylor said...

This made me hate her more but also appreciate her more #TeamSelena

Taylor Tanton said...

My mind feels played with. I'm not sure what to think anymore!

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