Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Alexis Neiers


Life is hard when you're a poor little rich girl living in the Valley, just seconds away from the glitz and glam of the City of Angels. The troubled group of teenagers, who are now known as the Bling Ring, thought that this was unfair, and sought after thrill and fame by robbing the homes of celebrities like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Rachel Bilson. Of all the Bling Ring's culprits, Alexis Neiers is probably the most infamous, having been the star of her own reality show at the time of her arrest. And so, in anticipation of the release of The Bling Ring, a film based on the group's escapades, I'm awarding Ms. Neiers Cunt of the Week.

And unlike the massive swarm of basic bitches who are "totally looking forward to seeing The Bling Ring like omg Emma Watsonnnnnn," I've been following this shit from the beginning. I remember reading about the celebrity burglaries and how they might be related. I recall with such clarity as I sat in the bank and received my E! News text alert that a group of pressed delinquents were arrested for the crimes. And I watched Alexis' E! reality show Pretty Wild for its entire nine-episode run.

Alexis began filming her Pretty Wild in the summer of 2009, which is conveniently when she was arrested for her alleged involvement in the Bling Ring's activities. So the show, which was originally supposed to focus on the Neiers family, and specifically the party lives of Alexis and her unofficially adopted sister Tess, ended up chronicling the trials and tribulations of the family amidst the arrest and impending trial. Of course, Alexis wasn't actually living with her family at the time of filming like the show suggests. She was staying in the Best Western hotel, getting high every day. In her own words:
Oh yeah. People think I was living with my family, but I was living at a Best Western on Franklin and Vine. I was smoking 20 80-mg oxys a day, I was doing tons of cocaine, I was panhandling for drugs. I had an over-$10,000-a-week drug habit. What you were seeing on TV was not what was really going on.
Wow. What a life! But let's backtrack, shall we?

Alexis was a troubled young lass long before her name made headlines. After getting kicked out of her home for smoking OxyContin and her school for being an all-around hot mess, Alexis was sent to the Indian Hills High School for fuck-ups. That's where she befriended Rachel Lee and Nick Prugo, the masterminds behind the Bling Ring. It's unclear just how involved Alexis was in the group's activities; she was only ever charged with robbing Orland Bloom's house, and has since claimed that she was drunk and didn't know what was going on...

Well, luckily that shit didn't fly with the courts, and Alexis' Kardashian-wannabe ass was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. But like Paris, Lindsay, Khloé, and all the other socialites who came before her, Alexis only served a fraction of her sentence. Guess she finally got the celebrity treatment she so desperately sought after.

Since her time in prison and a subsequent trip to rehab, Alexis has sobered up and is married with a baby. She has spoken openly about her past several times and seems to have turned her life around. I really do commend her for that. But I still think she's a cunt. And I'll leave you with the best moment from television history.


1 comment:

Taylor Tanton said...

Classic! She did make my freshman year pretty quotable though!