Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cunt of the Week: The Sprouse Twins

Excuse me while I vomit.
UMMM. Do you fucking SEE the picture above? That is what Dylan and Cole Sprouse actually look like today. I'm completely nauseous. You used to be able to differentiate them by simply saying Dylan was the chunky one and Cole was the twiggy one. Now you have to say Cole's the one with the fucking ponytail and Dylan is the wannaBieber. This picture alone should validate my choice of the Sprouse Twins as Cunt of the Week, but because I'm so dedicated to making sure their credentials are widely known, I'll press on. Dylan and Cole aren't really active cunts. It's in their passive obnoxiousness that makes them cunts.

Your earliest memory of the Sprouse Twins (or, as their clothing line would have you call them, the Sprouse Bros) is as their joint role in Big Daddy with Adam Sandler. For whatever reasons, only Cole scored the next big role as Ben Gellar on Friends. Of course, the "twinning" brothers didn't achieve fame until they starred on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. On the Disney sitcom, they played two twins (shocker!) who lived in a hotel with a ragtag bunch of fuck-ups played by Ashley Tisdale & Co.

Throughout the six total years on the show and its subsequent spin-off The Suite Life on Deck, it appeared as though the Sprouse Twins liked to play several games: (1) let's see who can be the worst actor; (2) let's see how long we can grow out our hair before it becomes completely and indescribably ratchet; and (3) let's see if we can still get away with identity-swapping storylines if one of us is twice the size of the other.

Luckily since The Suite Life's finale in 2011, Dylan and Cole have been virtually absent from television screens across the globe. But that hasn't stopped them from cunting it up like no other! They currently attend New York University (after deferring acceptance for a year... like who does that at NYU?) In the meantime, Cole ran his own blog on Tumblr and interacted with fans for a few months in late 2012 before revealing that it was all just an experiment to see how people would feel about being observed... I'm not sure I get it, but I do know that his fans we PISSED. I was mostly just surprised that he still had fans.

Really? Cuz I'm fucking not.

5 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

ew, that ponytail proves that Cole lives in barf bag city

Taylor Tanton said...

Hmm good pick!

Anonymous said...

I think it's kinda rude to talk like that about them. And the ponytail thingy?? Oh, come on. It's not bad.

Karhiza Manrique said...

I think it's not good to talk like that about them. And the ponytail thingy? Oh, come on. It's not bad

Karhiza Manrique said...

I think it's rude to say things like that about them. And the ponytail thingy?? Oh, come on. It's not bad.