Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Taylor Swift Throws Rocks Despite Living in a Glass House, But I'm Grateful for It

Now, now. Play nice.
In the spirit of trashing Taylor Swift any way I can, I'd like to take aim at recent reports that the "country" singer is anti-Jelena. It's no secret that Taylor and Selena Gomez are besties, but T-Swift also used to share a friendship with Justin Bieber. With the turbulence in Selena and Justin's shitfest of a relationship, it's clear that Taylor went with the whole "hoes before bros" "sisters before misters" philosophy. At the Billboard Music Awards in May, a reporter asked Taylor about her feelings regarding Selena's hot-and-cold beau, and this was her response:
Ohhh, you do not want to know! You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.
Later that night in the press room, another reported asked Taylor how she felt about the Biebs winning the Milestone Award, for which she was also nominated. Her response? "Can we have another question?"

While it's laughable that Justin and Taylor were nominated for a milestone award other than the Lifetime Achievement for Being a Piece of Shit award, the main concern here is Taylor's naked disdain for her best friend's ex. We all know she's quick to rake her former flames across the coals, but who knew she would get so catty when discussing something that's frankly none of her damn business.

But that's not all. This past weekend, Taylor reportedly skipped Selena's 21st birthday bash, at which the Biebs was spotted, because of a "tight schedule," which insiders have revealed to be code for "she hates Justin's fucking guts."

Yikes. What happened to true friendship? Seems like a case of the pot and the kettle, the glass house and the rock, or whatever trite saying you wanna plug in here.

This whole high school drama prompts only one question from Miss Swift: given her track record, can she really counsel her friends on their love lives? I mean, come on, Taylor dated John Mayer, who is the biggest douche in the industry. While it's always easier to give advice than to take it yourself, you think Taylor would keep her trap shut, as the public has made it very clear that her personal life is a fucking train wreck.

Her hypocrisy aside, I sure am glad that Taylor is doing whatever she can to destroy Jelena. After Stars Shit, Miss Gomez is on thin ice with me, and every time she gets back together with Justin, I grow more thankful for the God-awful T-Swift anthem "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".

For fun, here's a gif of Taylor sticking her tongue out after seeing Jelena getting their mack on.

I feel ya on this one, T.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Superman

  1. Superman is the second-most published comic book character ever, behind Batman.
  2. Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were in high school when they originally created Superman as a villain bent on world domination. Once the character was changed into the hero we all know and love, DC Comics bought the rights for a whopping $130.
  3. Superman's alias, Clark Kent, is a combination of the names of actors Clark Gable and Kent Taylor. The character is based on silent film actor Harold Lloyd. There is a debate as to which personality the character identifies most with: Superman or Clark Kent. I honestly never figured this would a be a problem.
  4. Contrary to popular belief, the planet Krypton does not breed super humanoids. On planets that orbit red suns, like Krypton, Superman is utterly powerless; however, on Earth and other planets with yellow suns, his cells absorb the solar power and voila! He's super powerful.
  5. Originally, Superman couldn't fly. It wasn't until the cartoons and radio shows came along that the Man of Steel was given this superpower. The comics officially followed suit in 1941.
  6. In 1945, the US government investigated editorial offices when a Superman newspaper strip showed the hero visiting an atom-smashing cyclotron. The government was still developing the atomic bomb at the time and officials feared that there was a possible leak.
  7. The "S" on Superman's chest has meant many things in different comics, TV shows, and movies. Sometimes it's a family crest, sometimes a symbol of hope; but very rarely is it actually meant to be an initial. Still, it's one of the most recognizable symbols in the world, and drawing an "S" on your chest means "Superman" in the American Sign Language.
  8. In almost all of her incarnations, Lois Lane is a hard-hitting journalist who ignores Clark Kent's advances while drooling over Superman, but the Supes/Lois/Clark love triangle isn't all that fictional. The real woman who first posed for Lois' character design was romantically involved with both of Superman's creators.
  9. Robert Redford was the first choice to portray the Man of Steel in the first Superman film in 1978 before Christopher Reeves was eventually cast. Bruce Jenner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone all expressed interest in playing the role. Unfortunately, this isn't a joke.
  10. Reeves was not seriously considered for the title role until he bulked up. As filming began, he continued training with Dave Prowse (aka Darth Vader), and became so jacked that they had to reshoot earlier footage.
  11. Gene Hackman played Lex Luthor in the 1978 film, but refused to go bald for part. Producers had his hair styled differently in each scene to imply he was wearing a wide range of wigs.
  12. In the 1990s, Warner Bros. attempted several approaches for a new Superman film, including one that had Tim Burton, fresh off his success with the Batman series, at the helm. Nicholas Cage was cast to play Jor-El, Superman's father. Although the film was never made, Nicholas was still paid $20 million.
  13. Teri Hatcher portrayed Lois Lane in Lois & Clark from 1993-1997. In 2010, she made a cameo appearance in Smallville as Lois' deceased mother. Sorry, but she'll always be Susan Mayer in my heart!
  14. Superman's biggest weakness is Kryptonite, but the comics have established numerous kinds of the metal that have different effects. A pink one is implied to turn Superman gay. I gotta get my hands on some of that!
  15. Speaking of the gays, Marlon Brando played Jor-El in the first Superman movie. He was paid $3.7 million for two weeks' work and refused to memorize his lines. He also insisted that he only provide the character's voice, and that Jor-El's physical presence be that of a suitcase or bagel. No joke.
  16. Henry Cavill and Amy Adams, who play Superman and Lois Lane in Man of Steel, respectively, both auditioned for their same roles in 2006's Superman Returns.
  17. Kara Zor-El is the Supergirl most of us are familiar with, but three different female Superman counterparts appeared in the comics prior to Kara's 1959 debut.
  18. During the Holocaust, DC Comics edited out the words "Jew" and "Jewish" from all Superman stories. Even in 1998, when they printed a comic in which Superman travels back in time to confront the evils of the Holocaust, the words were banned.
  19. Superman has not only fought Batman and Marvel Comics hero Spider-Man in the comics, but was even pitted against Muhammad Ali in a male ego pissing contest to see who's the better fighter. (Superman deactivated his powers for a fair fight and lost.)
  20. Superman's vintage catchphrase, "Truth, justice, and the American way," used to just be "truth and justice." The American way was added during World War II.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Best Song Ever" by One Direction

In anticipation of their new 3D concert movie (seeing it!), One Direction just released "Best Song Ever", which very well may be their best song ever. #TotallyMeta

What's even better is the music video, in which the 1D boys show off their Oscar-worthy acting chops. Zayn even crossdresses! It's a wonderful time for all. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Lana Del Rey Allegedly Disses Lady Gaga in Newly Leaked Song

Bitch fight!
As if Lana Del Rey couldn't get any better, she allegedly takes major swipes at former Cunt of the Week Lady Gaga in a newly leaked demo titled "So Legit".

Since Lana began her slow escalation to fame, she's often been called the anti-Gaga because of her image and music. But nobody realized that the singers actually share a past. The two artists, both 27, were managed by Bob Leone in New York before either made it big.

In "So Legit", believed to have been recorded in 2009, right after Lady Gag-me's career took off, Lana refers to her frenemy by her real name, Stefani, and coos:
Stefani, you suck, I know you're selling 20 million/Wish they could have seen you when we booed you off in Williamsburg
Ouch. Love it!

Listen to the diss track below and hear more venomous remarks about the Queen Monster. In the mean time, let's all pray that this turns into a juicy celeb feud. It's been a while since we've had a good one!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #5

Not here for this.
Thing I Love #5: Otter Pops

What better way to refresh yourself during a hot summer afternoon?

Thing I Hate #5: The Royal Baby

My fucking lord! I am sick to death of hearing about this child, and the Royal Family in general! Why are Americans so invested in their lives? We already have royalty. They're called the Kardashians!

When Prince Harry turns gay, let me know. Until then, I don't wanna hear another damn word about William, Kate, or their spawn.

Jam of the Week: "Gold" by Victoria Justice

This is perhaps the most obnoxious song I've ever chosen for Jam of the Week, but I simply cannot get it out of my head. I've always had an aversion to Nickelodeon stars. Miranda Cosgrove's attempts at singing just couldn't compare to the sweet tunes of Miley Cyrus.

But recently, I stumbled upon Victoria Justice's debut single. (I, too, was perplexed by this. Bitch has been around for fucking ever and she's only just releasing her first song? That's some glacial place, Nickelodeon.) And while "Gold" isn't amazing, it's certainly catchy. Listen for yourself as Victoria displays the same unwarranted self-confidence as Katy Perry while she literally compares herself to gold.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Tommy Picks the Most Frustrating Desperate Housewives Plot Holes

Scarlet fever.
Over a year after it aired its last episode, Desperate Housewives still remains one of my favorite shows of all time. With its dark humor, over-the-top drama, and never-ending army of bitches, I often felt that it was written specifically for me. But for all its glory, the show was not without its problems. The writers never seemed to shy away from rewriting history or just flat out contradicting themselves. Here are some of the more frustrating plot holes I've noticed.

Age is just a number

Desperate Housewives is far from the only show to screw up the ages of its characters; in fact, unless the main characters are in school, you can almost count on show writers to whimsically tack on or chop off a few years on a previously established age. This was a common occurrence on Wisteria Lane, especially once the five-year jump was added into the mix.

Perhaps the most egregious age-related error is that although MJ is born first, Juanita is eventually stated as being older than him. (Maybe the writers thought it was preposterous that a girl who looked 12 was supposed to be playing a 4 year old.)

The curious case of Orson Hodge

Season 3 presented fans with one of the best mysteries on the show: what happened to Alma Hodge, what happened to that whore Monique, and how are the two related? At the center of this chaos was Orson Hodge, Bree's new husband. Eventually, we learned that Alma, his wife, faked her own disappearance to punish him for his affair with Monique. But there was one problem.

When Orson was introduced at the end of Season 2, he was visiting a mute woman in a mental hospital, where Bree happened to have checked in. Originally, the plan was to have Orson and the mysterious women be con artists, but this was scrapped in favor for the Alma storyline. BUT THEY NEVER EXPLAINED WHO THE WOMAN IN THE HOSPITAL WAS. They never even mentioned her. It's an end that it far too loose for my liking.

While we're on the topic of Orson, let's discuss his apparent undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I swear, at the beginning of every season, the writers must have asked themselves, "Will Orson be good or evil this season?" He went from a suspected murderer (Season 3), to a devoted husband (Season 4), to a jealous klepto (Season 5), to a blackmailer (Season 6), to a respectful ex (Season 7),  to a manipulative killer (Season 8). It was all too exhausting.

Oh Tom Scavo, what did you do?

Betrayal is second nature to the residents of Wisteria Lane, so even Tom and Lynette's strong, grounded marriage wasn't safe. In Season 1, the couple learns that Tom's father is having an affair. Lynette warns Tom that if he ever cheated on her, she wouldn't be as forgiving as his mother was. This prompts Tom to confide in his father about something bad that he did.

But we never learn what that bad thing was. The behind-the-scenes story is that Tom was going to have an affair until the writers decided that the show needed at one stable marriage. Fans have tried to retcon the plot hole by saying that Tom's secret was that he hired his ex-girlfriend or had a secret kid, but I'd like to think he was referring to his fling with Lynette's best college gal pal, Renee, which was revealed in Season 7. All I can say is that I'm glad these two ended up together.

Don't call my name, don't call my name, Alejandro!

Season 8 was the perfect way to conclude the series. Instead of the housewives piecing together information about a mysterious new neighbor, they banded together to cover up the accidental death of Alejandro, Gabrielle's abusive ex-stepfather. It was such an intriguing storyline, but one riddled with plot holes. First, there's the fact that early on in the season, the women learn that a missing persons report has been filed for Alejandro; however, when Susan visits his wife and daughter, they don't seem too concerned that he's gone, as he leaves for extended periods of time. #FatherOfTheYear

Taking a stroll down memory lane

Critical moments in the lives of our favorite housewives are revisited time and time again through flashbacks, and while they may not always contradict one another, these retellings certainly don't solidify a clear sense of continuity. Here are just a few:
  • How many different ways did Susan discover that Karl was cheating on her? There's the version where she finds lipstick on his collar, or another time when she discovers his mistress' bra in his glove box. In one version, Edie tips her off; in another, Karl comes clean himself. Sometimes Susan kicks him out and sometimes he leaves on his own accord.
  • We've seen Gabrielle move into her house a million different ways, and each time she has a different attitude, a different "first encounter" with the other housewives, and a different hairstyle.
  • Mary Alice's suicide has been covered in great detail, and as the most pivotal moment in the entire series, you'd think they would pay careful attention when dealing with it. But that is not so, as whenever a character needed more depth, the writers would pretend like he or she had spoken to Mary Alice just prior to her pulling the trigger (see: Lynette, Eli the handyman, etc.). I mean, my lord, you'd think the whole damn neighborhood stopped by that day.

Ah, so many problems. And this is only the tip of the iceberg! As a DH addict, inconsistencies like these used to make me bonkers. But having a year to get over it, I realize that not only does every show have gaping plot holes, but that they shouldn't take away from the brilliance of the show.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Good, the Bad, and the Rihanna: Selena Gomez's Stars Dance is a Damn Hot Mess

Come and get it... July 23.
It's standard for most artists to take two years between albums, so when Selena Gomez announced a music hiatus, nobody thought much of it, even if it did break her three-albums-in-less-than-two-years streak. But since 2011's When the Sun Goes Down, Selena made the leap from 18 to 20, split with her band the Scene, partook in a highly publicized and reportedly tumultuous relationship with Justin Bieber, and distanced herself from her clean Disney days with a bikini-clad, bong-smoking role in Spring Breakers.

So it's not much of a surprise that Selena's first solo effort, Stars Dance, is quite a departure from her kid-friendly catalog. With its hip-hop, dubstep, and house music elements, it takes more musical risks by a Disney-helmed pop album since Hilary Duff's Dignity, a dance compilation released before the genre was commercially viable. Stars Dance presents a more sexually confident Selena, who seems more dependent on autotune now more than ever. And despite Selena's constant accreditation of Britney Spears as the biggest influence on the record, the Queen of Pop's impact is minimal at best. Instead, Stars Dance seems like it was assembled from a pile of leftover Rihanna tracks. (In the case of lead single "Come & Get It", this happens to be true.)

The result is, as the title of this review states, a damn hot mess. Never before has Selena disappointed so much. Her presence on the album is almost non-existent; instead, her weak vocals are processed to hell, and her producers create a slick and glossy package that she slaps her name on. Even her attempts to get personal seem anonymous (more on that later). Still, like is true with too many artists today, Selena's music never has to be good to be catchy, infectious, and, at times, fun, and Stars Dance is not without these moments.

The album opens with "Birthday", a candy-coated, dubstep-laden, rap-infused song on which Selena chants, "Tell 'em it's my birthday/When I party like that." It's like Gwen Stefani meets Rihanna, a fun, albeit quickly annoying, combination. And when Selena musters her best drunken sorority girl impression as she beltches out, "Party ooon, babyyyy" during the verse, one wishes this song was around in time for the Spring Breakers soundtrack.

Other songs also find Selena outside of her musical comfort zone. And sometimes it works. The Middle Eastern-inspired "Come & Get It", a former Jam of the Week, is the album's strongest track. "Save the Day", which is pure dance floor bliss, harkens back to Selena's days with the Scene. "Undercover" is also a highlight, and probably the album's most scandy track. On the song, Selena calls her man a "sexy machine," and declares: "I wanna find a place where we can be alone in the dark/And you can navigate me like a map that you know by heart." It's slinky, sexy, and the closest Selena has ever gotten to getting on Britney's level.

However, sometimes Selena's ambitious musical direction backfires. "Like a Champion" has Rihanna's name written all over it. Selena attacks the lyrics with a laughable Riri-esque accent, and the pitter-patter of those "rom pa pa poms" are ripped right from the Barbadian singer's signature reggae flair. And the numbing repetition of "Forget Forever", a retitled version of the previously-leaked "Rule the World", will have you longing for Rihanna's "We Found Love".

Similarly, "B.E.A.T." mimics another rising pop star. On the track, Selena sings, "I like the lights in my hand and the beat in my face." Does that line remind you of any Dev lyrics in particular? The rest of the album is just as dismissible. The trippy and heavily-autotuned "Stars Dance" and the vacant and familiar "Write Your Name" are both boring as hell.

Good or bad, what all these songs have in common is an airy superficiality. Only once does Selena delve beneath the surface. "Love Will Remember" is obviously about the collapse of her romance with Justin. But the album version of the song is without the alleged Bieber voicemail that was present when the track leaked last week. Without this personal touch, the song is robbed of its identity, and suddenly, the vulnerability of  "Love Will Remember" is about as convincing as that on "The Way I Loved You", a death-of-love song Selena tried to tackle when she was only 15 and hadn't even held hands with someone who wasn't named Jonas.

Even at its best, Stars Dance disappoints. While Miley Cyrus has recently dismissed her old music, and Demi Lovato has never developed the musical identity to match her amazing voice, Selena was lucky enough to perfect her artistry on When the Sun Goes Down, which is bubblegum pop at its finest. Stars Dance undoes this feat, trapping Selena in the same anonymity and incohesiveness she struggled with earlier in her career.

The final verdict: Selena gets major brownie points for her impressive musical risks, but that same ambition costs the album the presence of its star.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

This or That: Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears

Pictured: treasure (left) and trash (right).
It's a rivalry as old as time. The skank vs. the sweetheart, the diva vs. the lolita, the voice vs. the x-factor. That's right. It's Christina Haguilera vs. the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. These two pop stars have been pitted against one another since their diaper days on The Mickey Mouse Club, and I think it's pretty clear to everyone just who came out on top. But for argument's sake, today's This or That will present my reasoning for just how one of these women is better than the other. Let's go!

Musical styles and influence
Britney is always ahead of the curve, setting trends with every song she releases. She's often credited as leading the revival in teen pop in the late 1990s. This blast of bubblegum pop would later allow artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber to start their music careers at an early age. With Britney's R&B influences and In the Zone's urban elements, B segued into electropop dance music, which has defined the later half of her career. Without her taking those reins, artists like Lady Gaga wouldn't have careers. And whether you love it or hate it, dubstep was first introduced into mainstream music by Britney's "Freakshow". Blackout was dubbed the most influential pop album of the decade by Rolling Stone, and it was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Britney's influence is massive and beyond reproach!

Christina's R&B influences and preference for low-profile producers helped her establish a unique identity that was pretty different from Britney's at first. And it worked, and her willingness to take risks produced the wonderfully jazz-infused Back to Basics album. But in recent years, Christina has had an identity crises. After dismissing autotune, her vocals on Bionic were notably computerized. (She later called the album "ahead of its time" after it flopped, but I just call it "shit.") Her most recent effort, Lotus, proved that she had finally caved in. She worked with the hottest producers and assembled a collection of the most reductive and formulaic dance songs you could imagine. There's a reason you're probably unaware that she released an album just last November. Obviously, this round goes to Britney!

Vocal talent
Everybody has to admit that Christina is the better vocalist. (Some even think she's black!) Britney has said, on numerous occasions, that she would like to have a voice like Christina's. While it's worth noting that Britney has an amazing voice, one that her music generally doesn't show, it's nowhere near Christina's level, and thus this round goes to Christina!

The wow factor
Slutty school girl, red latex, sheer bodysuit, albino snake, bejeweled skin, three-ring circus. What do all of these things have in common? They are elements of Britney's most memorable performances. Christina may have the better voice, but Britney has always been the better performer, and has contributed far more to pop culture iconography than Xtina could ever hope. This round goes to Britney!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Let's talk albums first. All but one of Britney's have gone to #1 in the US (Blackout hit #2). All of her albums have been certified platinum, with ...Baby One More Time and Oops!... I Did It Again both achieving the highest honor of diamond. Collectively, she has sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Only 2 of Christina's 7 albums have hit #1, and only 5 have gone platinum (the other 2 haven't even gone gold). Worldwide, she has sold 50 million albums, only have of what Britney's done.

Now let's talk singles. Both singers have boosted a surprisingly low five #1 US hits (including Britney's feature on "S&M" by Rihanna and Christina's features on "Lady Marmalade" and "Moves Like Jagger"). The only difference? The last time Christina hit #1 as a solo artist was in 2000 with "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)". Britney had her last solo #1 in 2011 with "Hold It Against Me".

As for concert tours, let's just say this: Britney's Femme Fatale tour was amongst the top-selling global tours of 2011. Christina's last tour was cancelled due to lack of interest. All together now: this round goes to Britney!

The breakdowns
It's sad but true that unless Britney is going up against Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, she'll always have the burden of having had one of the biggest celebrity meltdowns ever. Between questionable parenting choices, alleged drug use, a messy divorce, and a shaved head, 2006-08 was not a great time for Brit. And even though she was never arrested like Christina was for being a damn hot mess in 2011, I have to be honest and give this round to Christina.

Lightning round!!!
  •  The Voice routinely beats The X Factor in ratings. Point for Christina!
  •  Everybody and their mother has come forward to say that meeting Christina was like meeting the devil himself, but Britney is constantly complimented for her sweet modesty and professionalism. Point for Britney!
  • Britney doesn't exploit her children, but they're celebrities anyway, kind of in a Suri Cruise kind of way... What was Christina's kid's name again? Point for Britney!
  • Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina onstage during the same performance, but only Britney's smooch made headlines. Did you even know that Christina was there? Point for Britney!
  • Before P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry started churning out songs about the underdog, Christina released "Beautiful", one of the more poignant empowerment songs for the disenfranchised. Britney's music might be more fun, but she's never recorded something this meaningful nor powerful. Point for Christina! 
It's not surprised that Britney emerges the victor. Obviously I wouldn't allow any other outcome, but the facts DO speak for themselves. If her recent album sales are anything to go by, Christina Haguilera doesn't exactly have an army of fans waiting to defend her, but don't bother trying anyway. Britney will always be queen. Thanks!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Cups" by Anna Kendrick

If you've seen Pitch Perfect, you know that it's fucking hilarious, but you'd also agree that the protagonist Beca, played by Anna Kendrick, is an annoying little cunt. However, she serves up one of the best songs from the film. "Cups" is Lulu and the Lampshades' rendition of the 1930s folk song "When I'm Gone", which was in turn covered by Anna for the movie. The extended pop version, which has been blowing up the radio, is to die for. Check it out for yourself!


Sunday, July 14, 2013

RIP Cory Monteith

It's always sad when people pass away before their time, and Cory Monteith is no exception. The Glee star, who has struggled with drug addiction since age 13, was found dead in his Vancouver hotel room July 13 at age 31. As a proud gleek since day one, I wanted to express my condolences the only way I know how.

Though Cory originally auditioned for Glee by playing the drums rather than singing, because he didn't think he was any good, his performances as the adorkable Finn Hudson have been some of the show's best. Here are my picks for the top songs Cory performed throughout his four years on the show.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Scarlett O'Hara

Fiddle dee dee.
Gone With the Wind has been called a lot of things: a masterpiece, an epic story of romance, one of the greatest films of all time, etc. If you ask me, I say it's a fascinating but overinflated wartime soap opera that glamorizes slavery but, more importantly, celebrates bitchery in its true form. Scarlett O'Hara, the film's protagonist, proves that you can still be a megabitch, even in the face of poverty, death, social upheaval, and hideously misguided fashion choices.

If you haven't seen the film, the entire premise centers around this: Scarlett learns that the man of her dreams, Ashley Wilkes, is engaged to Melanie Hamilton. "Not if I can help it," is essentially Scarlett's response, and what follows is a four-hour saga in which she blows through three marriages, nurses wounded soldiers, nearly starves to death, and single-handedly revives Tara, her desolate family plantation, all in hopes of winning Ashley in the end. All the while, Rhett Butler, a disgraced playboy of sorts, vies for her affection. But forget all that Civil War crap! Let's delve into Scarlett's undeniable bitchery.

When the film begins, Scarlett is living the dream on Tara. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the plantation, she's the center of attention at every party, and she exercises her bitch reflexes through non-stop bickering with a sassy house slave named, with such racial sensitivity, Mammy. Of course, with all the talk about a potential civil war, Scarlett is BORED AS HELL.

And even though Scarlett can have any man she wants, a man isn't anything to her if he isn't Ashley Wilkes. When Ashley rebuffs her romantic advances and marries Melanie as arranged, Scarlett snatches up Melanie's brother Charles and marries him faster than you can say "great balls of fire." Just as swiftly, the poor bastard goes to war and dies. (What can ya do?) Scarlett isn't phased. "My life is over," she assesses. "Nothing will ever happen to me anymore!"

Tired of mourning, Scarlett hits up the social scene in Atlanta, where she also works as nurse tending to wounded soldiers. Until she quits. "I'm going home," she says upon being asked to help with an amputation. "I've done enough." Home is hardly any different, as Scarlett promises Ashley that she'll care for an ailing and pregnant Melanie while he's off to war. Scarlett keeps her promise, but secretly plans to steal Ashley once he returns. #HomewreckersHaveMoreFun

A few Yankee invasions later, Scarlett, Melanie, the baby, and a basic bitch of a house slave named Prissy embark on the long journey back to Tara. With no food, their travels nearly kill them, and they arrive at the plantation to find that it's gone to shit. This is when S does her whole "As god is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" spiel.

With no help from her reductive sisters, Scarlett brings the plantation back to prosperity and rewards herself by marrying her sister's beau, Frank Kennedy, whose general store and lumber mill make Scarlett very wealthy again. Of course, when Scarlett is nearly gang raped in a shantytown, Frank and his pals raid the impoverished community, and he dies. Oh well! C'est la vie.

Now, after years of unrequited love, Rhett finally has his chance. Scarlett agrees to marry him, just for the fun of it, and they have a child, Bonnie. (At this point, I should mention that Scarhett, as I'm calling them, had crossed paths numerable times, and she repeatedly aroused him with her rejection.)

However, an embrace between Scarlett and Ashley sparks rumors that they're engaged in an illicit affair, which puts a damper on their marriage. There's also the fact that, like a true bitch, Scarlett didn't appreciate that Bonnie totally fucked up her figure, and now she doesn't want any more children. So in a drunken fit, Rhett rapes her. Then she gets pregnant. Then has a miscarriage. Then Bonnie dies. Then Melanie dies, and Scarlett finally realizes that Ashley was truly in love with his wife and never Scarlett. And Scarlett herself discovers that she truly loves Rhett. But it's all too late, as Rhett leaves her. She picks herself up once again, and like a champ, vows to get Rhett back. "After all," she tells herself. "Tomorrow's another day." And that's the end.

So, after Scarlett buries two husbands and both parents, survives war, near starvation, and povety, and endures rape, a miscarriage, the loss of her child, and assault, the only thing she learns is that she's been chasing the wrong guy. Gotta love this girl!

Carry on, my bitches.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Demi Lovato May Be a Genius! This is the Best Worst Idea You'll Hear All Week!

Fresh-faced and feisty.
If you're a Lovatic, Smiler, Selenator, and Swifter, and you thought that life couldn't get any better, you might want to rethink that.

In a recent interview, Demi Lovato was asked who she would pick to be in a girl group with her. Her response?
It would never happen but I'd form a group featuring me, Miley, Selena, and Taylor. That would be pretty epic.
Um, YEAH it would. And not because the music would be good. (Let's face it: Demi's daddy issues + Taylor's bombastic romances + Miley's coke lines + Selena's Britney-wannabe beats = DISASTER.) But the in-group fighting would be to die for. There's already bad blood between the four of these girls, and while that may be water under the bridge for now, but it would quickly come flooding back (get it?) the second they had to work together.

I can't think of anything more I'd want to see in the tabloids. Come on, people! Let's make this happen. Taking suggestions for band names NOW!

And PS, if you're a hater of all four of these artists, just remember that as long as they're still solo, it could still be a lot worse!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Carrie Underwood

America's Sweetheart.
This blog definitely has a Britney Spearsian slant when it comes to music, but she's not the only singer who has captured my soul with her sweet tunes. Carrie Underwood, the very Queen of Country, is second in my heart. To pay tribute, let's throw it back to the best singles Carrie has released in the past 8 years since winning the American Idol title.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Mariah Carey

Are you nauseous yet?
I don't know what is it about Mariah Carey that makes my skin crawl. Maybe it's because she has her head shoved too far up her own ass. Or perhaps it's because she's the closest thing we have to a real live Miss Piggy. But mostly it's because she's a raging cunt, and as such, she's getting Cunt of the Week.

Mariah has been in the music biz since your grandparents came out of the womb. And ever since then, her name has been synonymous with the term "diva," and not in the good way. Let's take a closer look.
  • She's married to Nick Canon.
  • She doesn't wear flat shoes. "My feet repel them," she has said.
  • She's 43 now, but who's counting? Certainly not her. "Honestly, I don't even have birthdays. I call them anniversaries. It really is about how young you feel. I'm eternally 12." (Or 43.)
  • Her diva demands include 11 body guards to shield her from other diners in restaurants and assistants specifically designated to test staircases and cover Mariah's bad angles from the cameras. She's been known to demand antique tables flown in from New York for fan signings, as well as request pink carpets, 20 white kittens, 100 white doves, and butterflies. For her dressing room, there shall be "no busy patterns; black, dark grey, cream, dark pink are all fine."
  • In 2001, she showed up on MTV's TRL unannounced, passed out ice cream to the audience, and said "If you don’t have ice cream in your life, sometimes you just might go a little bit crazy." This was before she started stripping for the cameras.
  • That same year, she released her star vehicle film Glitter, which was panned by critics and bombed at the box office. In 2010, Mariah blamed its lack of success on 9/11 rather than just admitting that nobody gave a flying pig shit about the movie.
  • She insured her legs for $1 billion.
  • I'm surprised she doesn't insure her voice, because these are the lengths she goes to in order to protect it: "I'll have 20 humidifiers around the bed. Basically, it's like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all toweling cloth, the ceiling is sloped so the water can't fall on my head, and it drips down to my side. My TV is behind glass."
  • She often cancels early interviews because she's "not a morning person," and insists that they be pre-recorded so she can cut out parts she doesn't like.
  • Ever the egotists, she and Nick listen to her music during sex. When she's away, he'll masturbate to her songs, particularly "Hero", which is all about finding your inner strength during times of self-doubt. Oh yeah, that's hot.
  • There was the whole Nicki Minaj feud, and #TeamNicki tbqfh... 
  • She won't speak to anyone for two days before a concert and communicates solely via notes. But even that's too strenuous, and she's looking into getting a voice machine like Stephen Hawking. I'm sure that those around her are grateful for those two days when they can have some peace and quiet.
  • In May, she shut down Disneyland to have her vows renewed. Because that's not selfish.
  • She arrived 90 minutes late to an awards show because of a broken nail.
  • While discussing her current single, "#Beautiful", Mariah stated: "It’s genre-less… It’s not following a trend. That’s the best thing about this record in my opinion, because having to follow trends is not what’s fun about making music." Mariah HATES trends, you guys. That's why there's a hashtag in the song's title.
  • After pushing back the original July 23 release date of her upcoming album, Mariah said: "While making this album, I got so immersed in the creative process that I just don't feel I would be doing it justice to release it on 7/23. I'd rather not exclude meaningful songs." Firstly, it's never a good sign when an album gets pushed back. It usually means that it sucks. Secondly, how does postponing its release to record new songs help to include the "meaningful" songs she's so interested in protecting? 
Believe it or not, this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. The girl's two decades of cuntitude leaves much to be explored. I implore you to do so, if you can stomach it. If not, just rest assured knowing that for every person who praises Mariah's vocals and divalicious behavior, there are 10 more who can't wait to call her out for being such a cunt.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Does Selena Gomez Really Use a Voicemail from the Biebs in Her New Song?

Doomed from the start.
Selena has been boasting about her upcoming album Stars Dance, due out July 23, for months now, claiming that it's her most personal yet. Since then, everyone and their mother is wondering if (or, more accurately, which) songs on the album discuss the pop star's on-and-off relationship with Justin Bieber. (It's most likely on again, as they two were together on the Fourth of July, fyi.)

And while any song about love could theoretically be applied to their rocky romance, it seems like "Love Will Remember" is the only track off the album written specifically about the Biebs. Selena spoke of the song previously, saying:
That's the most personal track on the record, for sure. I think it's a sweet way of releasing it. It's not an aggressive approach to what people are probably expecting. I'm sure he'll [Justin] love it too.
Luckily, the song leaked online today and people are losing their shit, as it begins with a supposed voicemail from Justin in which he calls her the love of his life.

So will Justin actually like the song? Probably not. This kind of exploitative bullshit has Taylor Swift's name written all over it.

Whether or not it's actually the Biebs' voice is unconfirmed, so you'll have to listen to "Love Will Remember" for yourself! (It might sound a bitch chipmunky; the pitch has been altered for copyright.)

Monday, July 8, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Tie It Up" by Kelly Clarkson

It seems like just yesterday that I deemed Kelly Clarkson "Queen of Flops." The title was very much deserved, with a career that's more hot and cold than a Katy Perry song. So it seems a bit strange that she's getting Jam of the Week, but I would be doing everyone a disservice by ignoring this redneck anthem.

"Tie It Up" is a country song about planning a wedding. I know, I know. Kelly going country? Bitch needs to stick to pop rock. Who does she think she is, Carrie Underwood? Those were my first thoughts as well. But this isn't Kelly's first time at the country radio. Her songs "Mr. Know It All" and "Don't Rush" were both hick heaven, but ultimately unsuccessful. She had better luck on "Don't You Wanna Stay", a country duet with Jason Aldean.

Luckily, Kelly's "Tie It Up" just works. And it's uber catch, with lyrics like:
I love the ring of your name
You’re the ying to my yang
Oh baby let’s give it a shot
Every wall needs a frame
Every ball needs a chain
I’m talkin’ about tying the knot
Tie it up
So go on, hear for yourself! Listen to the next step in the original American Idol's musical evolution.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #4

Thing I Love #4: The Picture of George Clooney Above


Thing I Hate #4: People's Bitching!

I don't know what it is about me makes people think I want to hear their problems, but I can almost guarantee that I most certainly do not.

The Way Local News Should Be

Workplace frenemies.
Maybe I should start watching my local news every morning, because this is the perfect cup of bitchery we all need to get the day started! Watch below

Friday, July 5, 2013

Why Heidi Montag's Album Isn't as Bad as You'd Think (And Yes, This Pains Me to Admit)

Most of you are probably unaware, but in 2010, The Hills star Heidi Montag released an album. And... it wasn't bad. Dare I say, it was almost good. I'll get into that later, but let me preface this reasoning by first explaining that I detest Heidi, as should the rest of the air-breathing population. So naturally, when I heard the reality starlet was headed into the recording studio, I feared the worst.

Nothing Heidi did in the months leading up to her album's release indicated that it would be anything but utter shit. She married ratchet fucktard Spencer Pratt, got 10 plastic surgeries in one day, and released the ear-splitting buzz single "Higher" (only click the link if you have a high tolerance for pain). But perhaps most offensively, she got her hand on a Britney Spears demo, recorded over it, and leaked it to the public in an effort to convince everyone she had collaborated with one of the biggest pop stars on the planet. And on the eve of the album's release, when Heidi revealed that she had personally funded the $2 million project and was confident that she would get all the money back after one week of release, I laughed at her just like everybody else.

And then Superficial, as the album was aptly titled, was released. And I was surprised at how good it was. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely no talent her. Heidi's vocals are autotuned to hell, and I can still only just tolerate them. The songs are uninspired and reductive (one track, "Blackout", was even written by a 9-year-old Taylor Momsen). But Heidi set out to make a fun dance mix and that's exactly what she did. The album's opening tracks, "Look How I'm Doing" and "Turn Ya Head", could have easily been top 40 hits if they were sung by anybody else. My personal favorite, "I'll Do It", is undeniably fun while  "Love It or Leave It" should have been a Britney record. Other highlights include the dance jam "More is More" and the titular "Superficial".

So remember the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" saying? This definitely applies here. With Superficial, that was only ever digitally released, you do get what you think: a collection of vapid songs that embody everything that's wrong with the pop music industry. But that doesn't mean they aren't fun!

PS If you're just loving these jams, you should also check out "Body Language", which Heidi performed at the Miss Universe pageant to a TV audience of nearly one billion, "Bionic". Neither made the album, but they're some of her best.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Jam of the Week: "What About Love" by Austin Mahone

The current Jam of the Week was selected based on nostalgia factor if nothing else. Austin Mahone's "What About Love" reeks of 90s boy band bliss. Enough said. Fans of Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync will appreciate this, as would Directioners and Beliebers.