Friday, July 5, 2013

Why Heidi Montag's Album Isn't as Bad as You'd Think (And Yes, This Pains Me to Admit)

Ratchet.
Most of you are probably unaware, but in 2010, The Hills star Heidi Montag released an album. And... it wasn't bad. Dare I say, it was almost good. I'll get into that later, but let me preface this reasoning by first explaining that I detest Heidi, as should the rest of the air-breathing population. So naturally, when I heard the reality starlet was headed into the recording studio, I feared the worst.

Nothing Heidi did in the months leading up to her album's release indicated that it would be anything but utter shit. She married ratchet fucktard Spencer Pratt, got 10 plastic surgeries in one day, and released the ear-splitting buzz single "Higher" (only click the link if you have a high tolerance for pain). But perhaps most offensively, she got her hand on a Britney Spears demo, recorded over it, and leaked it to the public in an effort to convince everyone she had collaborated with one of the biggest pop stars on the planet. And on the eve of the album's release, when Heidi revealed that she had personally funded the $2 million project and was confident that she would get all the money back after one week of release, I laughed at her just like everybody else.

And then Superficial, as the album was aptly titled, was released. And I was surprised at how good it was. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely no talent her. Heidi's vocals are autotuned to hell, and I can still only just tolerate them. The songs are uninspired and reductive (one track, "Blackout", was even written by a 9-year-old Taylor Momsen). But Heidi set out to make a fun dance mix and that's exactly what she did. The album's opening tracks, "Look How I'm Doing" and "Turn Ya Head", could have easily been top 40 hits if they were sung by anybody else. My personal favorite, "I'll Do It", is undeniably fun while  "Love It or Leave It" should have been a Britney record. Other highlights include the dance jam "More is More" and the titular "Superficial".

So remember the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" saying? This definitely applies here. With Superficial, that was only ever digitally released, you do get what you think: a collection of vapid songs that embody everything that's wrong with the pop music industry. But that doesn't mean they aren't fun!

PS If you're just loving these jams, you should also check out "Body Language", which Heidi performed at the Miss Universe pageant to a TV audience of nearly one billion, "Bionic". Neither made the album, but they're some of her best.

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