Friday, August 9, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Kim Kardashian

Stay pressed.
First Kourtney, then Khloé. Finally, Kim Kardashian gets to join the ranks of her sisters as Bitch of the Week. It's about fucking time! Often heralded as one of the stupidest people alive and the bane of pop culture, I would argue that Kim is one of the most intelligent and influential people to ever walk this earth because she understands the art of bitchery like she understands how to use a compass for baby-naming purposes.

At a young age, Kim knew that she was destined to not only make Armenians a pop culturally relevant race, but also to achieve the pinnacle of fame: being famous for just being you! Slowly but surely, Kim was making her way. Her dad was famous for getting OJ Simpson off the hook, her stepdad was an Olympic gold medalist, and she had a secret marriage under her belt at age 19. Bitch was concocting the perfect recipe for fame. Then came the Hilton era.

When frenemy Paris Hilton beat her to the punch with a sex tape and reality show, Kim knew she had to fight fire with fire. So she filmed her own sex tape, which led to her own reality show. And whereas Paris ditched sister Nicky, Kim understood there was strength in numbers, and took all 112 members of the Kardashian clan with her on her journey to stardom.

And the world has never been the same. With each passing year comes a new Kardashian spin-off and another reason that Kim is one of the most famous people on the planet. Now she's not only a socialite and reality star, but she's an actress, a singer, and most importantly, a businesswoman.

But chronicling Kim's successes cannot overshadow one very big failure: her marriage to neanderthal Kris Humphries, which infamously lasted 72 days. Should Kim have thought twice about marrying a guy with the same name as her own mother? Sure. But do I think it's fake? Absolutely not. As with most bitches, Kim abides by the rule that if something isn't working out to your liking, you quit!

Besides, if Kim didn't file for divorce, she wouldn't have been free to start a family with her male ego equivalent, Kanye West. Currently, Kim is in hiding so that her post-birth pictures will be worth more. Bitchery at it's finest.


Before we conclude, let's take a look at some fun quotes, shall we?
  • On her love for the sun: "I love the sun but don't have time to get a good tan and keep it year-round, so I am a huge fan of tanning products."
  • On her love for nephew Mason: "Let's just say that Mason is the best birth control ever. I'm definitely happy to wait for a while."
  • On the one time Beliebers lost their shit: "Is that not ridiculous that people thought that Justin Bieber and I were on a vacation together, on a romantic vacation, in the bahamas, and I just happened to wear a gown as my swimsuit and red lips and he's dressed in a suit in the ocean? Seriously, who would walk to the beach like that?"
  • On her proud heritage: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, leg, underarms... my entire body is hairless!"
  • On her career goals: "I want to be a teacher."
  • On her preference for cable television vs. network: "The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV." 
  • On Paris Hilton: "If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don't care. At least I have a butt."
  • On global crises: "I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light."
  • On politics: "[Barack Obama] just seemed very firm about the change, and that's, like, his motto."
 And, of course, my personal favorite.

2 comments:

Madeleine Wills said...

"On global crises: 'I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light.'"

LOL! Oh Kim, she really does know what's important in life.

Taylor said...

The pictures! Haha!