Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Adrienne Bailon

I didn't know trash bags counted as swimwear.
Our reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Adrienne Bailon, whom you might better know as the Latina Cheetah Girl or the name on Rob Kardashian's ribcage. The trouble is, Adrienne did so well for so long. Sure, she made some mistakes along the way, but I would never have gone as far as to call her a cunt. Until yesterday when she committed perhaps the most egregious of Tommy Time crimes. But we'll get to that in a bit.

Adrienne Bailon was part of the girl group 3LW, which was basically a wannabe Destiny's Child, only there was more diversity and less talent. The group also included fellow future Cheetah Girl Kiely Williams and some basic bitch named Naturi Naughton. After a few modest hits, Naturi quit when she and the other girls were involved in an altercation involving KFC food. I shit you not. That anecdote, in all its racism, is true. And I bet it was Adrienne who through the first drumstick.

Naturi's departure pretty much spelled the end for 3LW, and Adrienne and Kiely went on to star in The Cheetah Girls. Adrienne played the whiny, pressed-as-fuck Chanel, who wore faux fur vests and constantly tried to dethrone Raven as alpha bitch of the fictional cheetahlicious girl group, which eventually became a Raven-less real-life pop group with Adrienne, Kiely, and Sabrina Bryan. But you can guess where that took them: not very fucking far. When your group's first album is called Cheetahlicious Christmas, you know you're doomed.

Here's where shit goes down and Adrienne started showing her true cunt colors. After two failed group efforts, she somehow thought she'd be better off going solo! Not so, bitch. Not so. In case you're wondering, Adrienne's debut album has been four years in the making and it's nowhere closer to getting done than it was when it started. So naturally, to keep herself in the limelight, Adrienne decided she was also a television personality and tried to get herself as a guest host on every talk show imaginable.

And when that wasn't enough, bitch thought she could marry into the Kardashian family! That's right! She took one look at Kim K and was like, "Yeah, me too!" She somehow convinced Rob Kardashian to date her, which he did, and he even got a Texas-sized tattoo of her name. Obviously, he wasn't in his right mind, and reality television cameras were there to capture Adrienne in all her cuntitude.

There was the time she forced the Kardashians to tone it down for her conservative family, the time she had the nerve to give Kourtney acting advice, or my personal favorite, the time when she told Rob that she would be leaving in a few weeks to film The Cheetah Girls 3 in India for three months. #GirlfriendOfTheYear. Thankfully, the relationship ended soon after. Rumor has it that Rob cheated, but who can blame him!

[Side note: sometime during all this hoopla, bitch had some nude pictures leak in a horribly misguided attempt to be Vanessa Hudgens.]

But all these acts of fuckery are just bitch shit. Here's where it gets REALLY cunty. Continuing her habit of not doing anything worthwhile, Adrienne is apparently one of the hosts of The Real, a talk show you just know is gonna get canceled soon enough. This week, she took a major swipe at the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. She said:
Britney Spears needs to call Miley Cyrus' stylist ASAP! I worked with her on X Factor. I'm not gonna lie, you guys. She can't hold a conversation! Like they have somebody feed her what she's supposed to say.
Luckily, some of the other hosts, including one of the Mowry twins, came to Brit's defense.

All I have to say to Miss Bailon is this: did it ever occur to you that Britney has no idea who the fuck you are and has nothing to say to your sorry ass?

After facing the wrath of the Britney Army, Adrienne tweeted this:
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a surefire way to get Cunt of the Week. Well done, Adrienne!

Mm.

2 comments:

Taylor said...

The gif at the end is the best part!

Polly Dactyly said...

Oh man. I discovered this blog by googling "Angelina Jolie is a bitch". And the rest is history. You are a genius and I love you.