Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Ella Montgomery

"I'm a pretty little liar, too!"

To all Pretty Little Liars fans, there are three incredibly important questions: (1) Who is A?; (2) Who murdered Ali, if she is in fact dead?; and (3) Why is Ella Montgomery such a fucking cunt? I'll attempt to break it down for everyone so we can all get on the same page and collectively pray that the next corpse that Rosewood PD finds is wearing a pantsuit.

The writers of PLL get some sort of sick joy out of writing characters off for extended periods of time (like Jenna and her 20-episode eye surgery) or just pretending like they're there when they aren't (like the mysterious case of Mike in Season 3). As such, the parents of the lying quartet appear sporadically, but only Aria's mother Ella manages to do it so fucking obnoxiously.

When the show starts, the Montgomery clan returns to Rosewood after a year in Iceland. Why they were in Iceland of all places is anybody's guess. I bet it was Ella's decision, so no wonder it was complete shit, like everything else she does. At first, she's just the harmless mom with her black pantsuits and long hair that she never bothers to style or cut in any flattering way. But when she learns that hubby Byron had an affair, she up and leaves. "Screw the kids!" is essentially her mindset.

While she's gone, everything turns to shit. Byron starts hitting on Hanna's mom, who is so far out of his league they're playing completely different sports. And their son Mike is being moody as all hell and breaking into people's homes for fun. And Aria is playing junior detective with her rag tag group of friends whilst fucking her English teacher. Does Ella care? Nope. Not as long as she continue perverting the youth of Rosewood. That's right. She's a teacher. At Aria's high school. More on that later.


Eventually Ella and Byron patch things up and everyone's happy. Except Mike, because he's still being a pissy little fucker. I totally thought he was gonna come out as a card-carrying Friend of Dorothy, but it turns out he's just temperamental. (Probably for the best. I'm not sure we could handle both him and Emily flying out of the closet at the same time.) Ella decides it's time to actually do her fucking job and confront Mike. When she does, he pushes her out his way. "Don't tell your father," she begs Aria. Don't tell your father? Yeah, that's a good idea, Ella. Your son is a fucking psycho and your entire family is still fragile since you moved your sorry selfish ass out of the house, but yeah, let's start keeping secrets from one another!

I wish Mike pushed her harder.

Next thing we know, Ella and Byron are divorced. I don't even remember why. Who fucking cares? Too much shit goes on in this show. So they're divorced and then Ella starts online dating under the screen name "Hot Momma." After everyone tossed their tacos at the insinuation that Ella is hot, she starts dating the much younger owner of the local coffee shop. But as always, she keeps the relationship on the DL because she wants to protect her children...

That's why she has a date with Coffee House Dude while on her lunch break. At her place of work. The high school. ARIA'S high school. DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Yup, she just has a fucking picnic with this coffee-grinding sack of shit in her classroom. And this is after she hangs up possible outfits for the date in her classroom, where, you know, students are coming in and out and probably don't wanna take a fucking vote on what she's gonna wear. (I'm almost certain she goes with the pantsuit.) As you can imagine, Aria walks in on their date and they are SO EMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED.

So then Ella gets attacked by some bees. I forget why, but it was part of A's plans. And then she moves to Europe with Coffee House Dude because she loves to abandon her family.

This is what she tells herself every time she moves out of the house.

So whether you're a fan of the show or not, you have to agree that Ella is a major cunt. She's a secret-keeping, home wrecking, self-centered cougar without an ounce of fashion sense. Here's hoping that she never comes back from Europe. Or better, that Ezra, Mona, Jenna, Melissa, or any other alleged member of the A team slits Ella's fucking throat.

"Yeah, all the students want me."


Claire Knowles said...

As we all know I wholeheartedly agree with everything written here. While Ella makes a slew of bad decisions I think she also tries to give backhanded advice. She claims this was about Ezra we all know she's hitting towards her relationships with Byron and probably her children to make going to Europe a little easier on them. If anyone's parent deserves to be thrown in jail it's Aria's (Byron's a whole other story). Also, notice the school did not give a flying fuck when Ella left in the middle of the year without notice? Shows how much she's valued.

Taylor said...

Oh Charmed...