Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Gabriella Montez

Always feeling sorry for herself.

She may be played by a Bitch of the Week, but Gabriella Montez is nothing short of a cunt. Naturally, those of us who were fans of the High School Musical trilogy were #TeamSharpay, and if you weren't, you're wrong. Why is that? Well, let's assess the situation, shall we?

In the first film, Gabriella brings a fucking book to a New Year's Eve party. She just really likes to read, you guys. Because she's losing herself in Pride & Prejudice or some shit, she's caught off guard when she's involuntarily hoisted on stage to sing a duet with a pre-dental surgery Zac Efron aka Troy Bolton. Of course she falls madly in love, cyber stalks him, finds out he lives in Albuquerque, and forces her mother to move there.

Troy, the hotshot at East High, is naturally uncomfortable hanging out with a self-professed "freaky genius girl," but Gabriella has no shame. She practically holds a gun to his head, coercing him to audition for the winter musicale with her. This doesn't sit well with resident theater bitch Sharpay and her incestuous and/or gay twin Ryan. A rivalry is born, and it's a rivalry that Gabriella, in all her cunt ways, wins.

Gabriella and Troy securing the lead roles in the musical vastly alters the social scene at East High. And Miss Montez doesn't care that she basically turned a whole fucking school on its head, because...

She pulls the same shit in the second movie! Gabriella, Troy, and their whole goddamn class start working at Sharpay's family's country club. G says she didn't know that the Evans family owned the place, but I have a hard time believing Sharpay didn't strut through the hallways dropping comments like "you'll never be country club material; I'd know because I own one" on the daily.

Gabriella and her shitty Shirley Temple haircut fuck up the social order at the country club too. Rather than letting Sharpay and Ryan rightfully claim the prize at the Midsummer Night Talent Show (#nepotism), she rallies together the whole service crew to put on a show. I'm sorry, but is this bitch the fucking Malcolm X for the Lava Springs staff or something? She can take a fucking SEAT.

As Gabriella becomes a senior in the third film, her cunting only gets worse. Even though she gets into Stanford EARLY (like they want her to start taking classes before she graduates high school, since that actually happens and all...), she considers going to community classes.

Everybody gives their two cents on the matter, but Gabriella decides she's still not as much in the center of attention as she would like to be, so she runs away to Stanford. Then when she realizes nobody gives a shit that she's gone, she comes back unannounced to star in the fucking musical, stealing the spotlight from Sharpay for the third time!

So unfortunately, Gabriella doesn't get what she deserves. The only downside for her is that Troy doesn't go to the same college as her. Meanwhile, what does Sharpay get? An assistant job at the high school and a shitty spin-off sequel.

Let's consider this a sobering life lesson, ladies and gentlemen. Life is short, and often unfair. So let us not spend it letting cunts like Gabriella get what they want. Down with them all!

1 comment:

Taylor said...

This is one of your best