Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Kris Humphries


His ex-wife of 72 days may have just been crowned Bitch of the Week, but Kris Humphries' marital connections can't save him from his own cuntitude. So it's only appropriate that the Neanderthal is inducted as the Cunt of the Week.

We all remember the tragic split of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. Reggie was, like, the one. How could it end so abruptly? Maybe they fell out of love. Or maybe a relationship just didn't fit in with Kim's storyline for the season. No matter the reason, the relationship ended, and Kim followed it with brief romances with people like other athletes and her Australian bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Kris, or the Hump as Khloé called him, was playing basketball. (Does it matter for what team?) And in 2010, when he wasn't dragging his knuckles on the court, he was romancing the first lady of reality television. And then in 2011, Kris and Kim married. It was a lavish $10 million affair that was covered by a four-hour wedding special on E! (Keep that in mind as we move forward.)

From then on, Kris was featured heavily on the Kardashian's shows. Well, he was really only on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, because Kim filed for divorce almost immediately after filming, just 72 days after their wedding. But in that time, we saw his true colors:
  • In the first episode, Kris leaves New York for Minnesota, because he's already overwhelmed by married life. True, that life included Kourtney, Scott, Mason, and an entire television career. But seriously, up and moving to a different state?
  • In the fourth episode, Kris forces Scott to throw a boozy, female-filled party while Kim and Kourtney are out of town. And then he forces Scott to take the blame. Tsk tsk.
  • In episode five, Kris pressures Kim's totally gay BFF to come out of the closet.
  • In the sixth episode, Kris sneaks off to Toronto for a party while Kim is out of town.
  • In the seventh episode, Khloé and Kourtney play pranks on Kris, and he gets incredibly pissed. Where's your sense of humor, sir?
True, the Kardashians basically kontrol the editing of their shows, so it's totally possible that Kim was made to look more sympathetic and Kris was villainized. But there's only so many ways you can manipulate the footage. You can't fabricate Kris' bad behavior, poor attitude, and disregard for his marriage. In his defense, he has tried to defend himself:

Chirp, chirp.

In actuality, Kris has since alleged that the entire marriage was a scam, a calculated plan to promote the Kardashian family brand. When Kim filed for divorce, he petitioned to reject her request, and instead insisted on an annulment on the grounds of fraud. He claimed that much of the show was fake in what became a very lengthy and very public trial.

I've already detailed my thoughts on some of Kris' allegations, but allow me to reiterate that nobody can make Kris look bad without his help. Not to mention, at any point during the television $10 million dollar wedding, didn't Kris come to the conclusion that it was all a hoax? Or did it really take him two months? Of course not. His claims were just his petty revenge against a woman who didn't want to stay married to him. And what's more, when Kim was pregnant, he still insisted on dragging her through the trial.

Well, it's clear who came out on top. Kim is still the reality queen and now has her own family. And Kris, well... Let's just say he should be thankful his marriage to Kim never got to the point where they would try for children. Given that he's several steps below the rest of us on the evolutionary ladder, it wouldn't have worked out.


Taylor said...

About time!

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